Effort Is A Reflection of Interest…

a pink gift box“I’ve just been so busy with work.”

“If you can’t understand that I had a life before you…”

“I got your phone calls; I answer every third time you call.”

People can make up hundreds of excuses as to why they aren’t available when you need them to be available. But what we all know whether or not we want to admit it is that when someone wants to be around us they will find a way. Now this doesn’t mean if I call tonight I’m seeing her tonight but it does mean she’ll make the effort to see me sooner rather than later.

When I was younger I can admit I was all about playing the game. I get your number on a Wednesday, God forbid I call you on a Thursday. We have a really good date on a Friday, how dare I ask you out on that Sunday? That was the young me, the me that didn’t want to seem to pressed or anxious, the one that didn’t want to be called a “bug a boo” this was pre-thirst era. Now, I could really care less because of she’s worth my interest she’s going to be worth my effort and even a little bit of my pride. I’ve never met a woman that didn’t like a tastefully aggressive and assertive man. Playing this, “if she likes me, she’ll call,” role isn’t for us. Because the effort that we’re too cool to make, another man that doesn’t even have her interest will get a foot in the door while we’re trying to be cool.

I read something today that someone wrote on a post and I couldn’t agree with it more. When a woman thinks you’re funny, handsome, charming, interesting, etc… Texting her at 2am or calling while she’s getting ready for work makes her day. But if you’re that borderline guy that’s only getting her attention because the man she wants is not living up to his promise, those calls and texts become so annoying. That’s why I always laugh on the inside when guys buy books on, “How to get women.” There’s no formula, if she thinks you’re worth her time, she’ll make the effort. Even if that effort is just talking to you for five minutes outside of the gas station or reminding you that she see’s all the flirting you do. Be yourself and be confident and watch.

What I wish I would have known five years ago, hell, two years ago. Those moments when I was broke or needed a haircut or wasn’t happy I ignored some really cool women, blew them off because I couldn’t “impress” them. And now I realize that making an effort to simply let your interest be known matters way more than appearances. Some of my best encounters have been meeting and walking at the park, eating candy and people watching. Going to happy hours with twenty dollars in my pocket and two dollar margaritas. When you make the effort and you’re confident and honest and she see’s that you’re not where you want to be but everyday is a step forward. She’ll appreciate it and you may have only spent 15 dollars plus a tip but you paid the bill and were wearing really good cologne while doing it.

Make the effort and take a chance at doing better in life because regardless of what you think. Women do make us better!

4 Ways to Help Him Through A Quarter Life Crisis

20140822-233539.jpg I’d never complain about being a man. I have no problem saying I’d suck at cramping or being pregnant and I definitely wouldn’t take to constant Facebook messages or sexual harassment too well. No, I love being a man but there’s one thing that we can all admit. It’s not okay for a man to show weakness or to be vulnerable with everyone. Don’t mistake this with it’s okay to not have emotions or to talk, it’s just not okay unless she means something to you.

Expectations are an amazing thing. They often force us to reach heights we didn’t even know we could reach but there’s also the weight of expectations that can be heavy on our pride and mental makeup. You reach a certain age and you aren’t feeling as accomplished as you should be, it’s not an easy thing to deal with. You can become withdrawn, depressed and some may see it as feeling sorry for yourself but it’s bigger than that. You don’t stop living or working, you just stress more. Having a woman there to take some of that stress away, some of that edge away, that makes all the difference in the world.

“I’m Proud of You.” This may seem small or insignificant but hearing this from the right woman when you’ve had a bad day or bad month or didn’t reach a goal you set for yourself. It fixes everything in that moment. You look at her eyes or hear her voice and you just feel as though you can take on the world in spite of any obstacles that come your way. “I’m proud of you,” means you believe in me. It means you see the small steps I’m taking and are just as excited about those as you are about the big steps.

“Dance With Me.” I love silly, serious women. That’s a thing. Women that are about their business and work and are busy but when she’s with you she has that silly side, that playful side, that laugh that you know not too men have gotten to see. She sees you at your desk writing or sitting on the couch sulking and she grabs your hand and shakes her hips and says, “come dance with me Mez” and in those moments where you’re feeling her body and her energy and holding her waist her hands or grabbing her ass you feel better. Holding her, dancing with her is better than alcohol, sex, Crave cupcakes. It’s better because it’s organic, it’s in the moment, it’s intimate in the most non-sexual but sensual way.

“I Told Someone About You.” There are a lot of ways to show a man you love him or care about him. There are a lot of ways to show affection or to cheer someone up. You can never go wrong with sex or a bottle of his favorite liquor or his favorite meal. But for me nothing puts a bigger smile on my face than knowing a woman wants professional success for me just as much as I do. When she calls or text saying, “A friend told me they needed a writer so I mentioned you.” Or “I know you haven’t been happy where you are so I was looking online and I saw this,” and she sends me a link to a company or opportunity. Those little gestures have such a huge impact because you know she’s selfless and your happiness means that much to her.

“Come to Bed.” One of the first things to go when you’re stressing or not happy is sleep. Some men drink themselves to sleep, others take whatever pill they can find. Some just scroll social media all night or try and work. When a woman comes and rubs your neck or back and pulls you off the couch or out of your office and says, “come to bed” you do it. Maybe she doesn’t want to sleep alone, can’t sleep without your warmth but more than that she just wants to have you close. There’s so much intimacy in those before dawn conversations about life, work, family, stresses. Her semi naked body wrapped around yours, her head on your chest and that conversation is therapy. Maybe it ends in earth shattering sex but it’s not about that. It’s about that connection, that bond that’s being strengthened. Even if you only get a couple hours of sleep there’s comfort in knowing she can’t sleep without you.

She Don’t Love You; She’s Just Lonely

She Don’t Love You She Just Lonely
Days like today when she calls you and says she just wants to hear your voice, days like today when she sends you a text smiling and asking you what you’re doing. Days like today is her being lonely, it’s not you or what you’re doing; it’s what I’m not doing.

I don’t doubt you’re a good man, I don’t doubt you care about her and love her and treat her better then myself or any man ever has. I don’t even doubt that a part of her cares for you but she’ll never love you because you aren’t me. She’ll never love you because no matter how good of a man you are you’ll never touch her soul like I touched her soul. You’ll never feel the pain, the warmth, the passion that we felt all those nights, all those mornings, all those rainy days. Her infatuation with you is because she’s lonely, it’s because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and her pride won’t let her forgive me.

At night when you go to hold her and she pulls away it’s not because she’s too warm, it’s because at night is when it’s hardest for her to lie to herself. In the morning when she closes the bathroom door while she’s brushing her teeth or taking a shower it’s because she isn’t as comfortable with you as she is with me. Those doubts you have in your head, those moments when you’re driving and you cut off the radio trying to shake that feeling, you can’t shake it can you? You can’t shake it because you know she doesn’t love you, she’s just lonely. Having you there is better than being alone. She doesn’t know any other way because all she knows how to do is love, all she wants to do is love.

Her guilt gets the best of her sometimes, she feels bad for allowing you to love her like you do. She watches you sleep or cook or talk about something that happened at work and she wants to scream, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” But then she’d have to be alone again and that scares her more then anything. Not because she can’t do it but because being alone means that she may call me, it means that the love she can’t control, the love that makes her crazy, the love that sucks her in and swallows her whole may take over her life again. She doesn’t know if she’s ready for that so she settles with you.

Regardless of my faults I’m a good man and because I’m a good man I would never try and ruin what you have regardless of the quicksand it’s built on. I won’t be her excuse for breaking your heart, I’ve already put more pain in her life then I can ever atone for and I won’t add to that by making her live with the regret of leaving you for me. So instead I’ll just wish you good luck in loving a woman that doesn’t love you but is simply lonely.

Losing You Made Me Better For Her

There are mornings I wake up and I see you in front of me wrapped in a towel fresh out the shower.

There are mornings I’m cooking breakfast when I get off work and I want to come in the bedroom, kiss you on your cheek and tell you to come eat before it gets cold.

I miss you or maybe I miss the things we did or maybe I miss the way you made me feel or maybe I just miss having someone.

Writing in the morning I have visions of you sneaking up behind me, pushing my chair back, moving my laptop and sitting on the edge of my desk. Your robe parted, my hands cold so your thighs shivering at my touch.

Your scent natural and unique, your skin soft and inviting. Most mornings I don’t even miss sex, I just miss kissing your stomach and lying there, feeling your warmth. Being consumed by the storm your presence brought to my life. I needed to lose that storm, I needed to fall into abyss to realize what I had. I won’t mess up next time, I know this in my heart, in the depths of my soul.

Maybe it’s not fair but the next woman won’t have to deal with the mood swings, the insecurities, the fear of failure and regret I wore like a backpack full of bricks. Your smile was so perfect, your laugh, your lips. I don’t miss kissing you, I miss that moment right before a kiss when you know it’s coming and your heart beats just a little bit faster. The next her will feel my presence in everything she does because I’ll make myself so memorable and honorable that her heart will beat for me like it has never beaten for another man. I owe that to my failure with you.

I won’t take her for granted when she tells me she just needs to feel like we’re progressing. I won’t turn to readers and alcohol and groupies when she’s too tired or working or needs her space. I’ll be everything to her that I wasn’t to you because I don’t ever want to see hate in another woman’s eyes that’s because of me. I want her tears to come from orgasms she can’t control and joy she can’t hide. Not heartbreak and fear and rage. We will fight over the remote, not because I didn’t come home.

Do I have regrets? Everyday and everyday I’m learning to move on from those regrets. There’s a part of me that’s still closed off and that scares me because I want to give my all. The all I didn’t give to you. You made me better and I just want to thank you for that. I still check up on you from time to time. I may not call or text but know I’m watching, I’m here, if you ever need anything.

~ 20140822-233539.jpgDemez

Rainy Sunday Thoughts

When I was out yesterday afternoon waiting on my friends to show up I checked Instagram. Mainly just to kill time. I saw a woman getting ready for a wedding and then I realized something. The woman whose wedding she was getting ready for was the woman who I thought I would marry. That’s the thing about social media, you can cut all ties to the person you were in love with but six degrees of separation is real.

At that moment our lives flashed before my eyes. At that moment I realized she was about to get married while I’m sitting in a bar excited about beer and football. Beer and football? She was the one that didn’t want to settle down, that wanted to run wild and now she’s about to walk to the alter and I’m here?

Life is ironic like that I suppose. You think you know what makes you happy but do you really? My writing is at a place where the words come so naturally. I can see the story in my head and tell it with such ease that I often smile while I’m at my laptop. Is that happiness though? Talent maybe, dedication, but happiness?

A woman once looked me in the eyes and told me that I made beautiful excuses. “They sound amazing Demez but the truth is they’re still excuses. You lost me because you weren’t willing to do what it would take to keep me. You don’t have anything published because you’re more willing to talk about being a great writer than actually writing and taking the chance people won’t like it. I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore. When you wake up and decide to grow up you’ll be an amazing man but I can’t wait for that. Goodbye.” I hated her in that moment because the truth hurts but it was necessary. It changed my life. She’s about to get married and I’ve been up all morning writing, trying to become that amazing man she believed I could become.

Sitting at my desk, watching the rain fall, I often wonder if I’m substituting making memories for writing. Will I have regrets because of the dates I cancelled or the parties I didn’t go to because I’d rather be sitting at this desk creating a story? I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know if I’ll ever know the answer to that. I just know how I feel when I’m finished telling one of these stories. How I feel when there’s a novel in my hands and I see that finished product. I believe at that moment it’s worth it.

~ Demez F. White
storms

I’m Falling For You

Everything

Everything

I’m Falling For You
Why can’t you stop smiling? Why does everything seem so funny? Why are you so happy? You can’t tell? I can tell. It’s contagious you know. Me, falling for you, that burst of energy I get whenever you walk into a room. That’s what has you smiling, knowing I’m falling for you. Knowing whatever this is, is turning into more than this. Knowing that I’m not going anywhere unless an act God intervenes and even then I’m not even sure that would stop what’s happening between us.

I think we go together now. I’m pretty sure you’re my girlfriend in more than just my mind. There’s the toothbrush that’s next to mines in the bathroom. The new towels and candles that seemed to come out of thin air. There’s me talking to you on the phone every morning, even when you’ve just let my home minutes earlier. There’s me calling you knowing exactly when you get off work. Waiting, anxious, excited for that kiss. I’m falling for you and I’m not afraid of where the fall will take me.

What does it mean exactly to fall for someone? It’s different for everyone but for me it’s feeling fearless! It’s feeling like I can stand down an army and if no one else is there, you are. It feels like a ray of sunshine bursting through the clouds when it’s been cold all day. Falling for you gives me a piece of mind I haven’t had since, forever.

If you don’t love me already, I’m going to make you love me. You’ll feel my heart beating while we kiss. You’ll feel my love for you in every moment we’re together and everyone moment we’re apart. My words and actions will touch parts of you that no man has ever even dreamed of touching. My affect on your life will be like a hurricane that wipes away a city and devastates your soul in the most beautiful way possible.

Who I am as a man. What I want, what I’m willing to do! No one will ever compare because they don’t see you, can’t see you like I see you. If I never make love to you physically I don’t care because our souls make love with each and every breath we take. Life is a gift and you are the essence of the perfect unwrapped beautiful package that I get to open over and over and over again.

I’m falling for you and guess what? I think you’re falling for me too.

~ Demez F. White

Don’t Give Boyfriends Husband Treatment <– Says Women Without Boyfriends

There’s no formula for being a good man or woman. Of course some traits are universal. Don’t be selfish, don’t lie, treat him or her like you want someone to treat your son or daughter. We can all agree that those general concepts make for healthier relationships. On the other hand what I’ve been reading a lot of lately is men telling women the following.

“Don’t give husband benefits to boyfriends.” I think that is a dangerous and costly way to look at a relationship. I spoke to a woman last night and we had a conversation about this. Giving someone 100% as their girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re giving them “wife benefits.” It means you’re giving your all because you need to see if this is really what both of you want.

I asked her simply, “Have you seriously dated anyone since your divorce?” Her response was something to this extent and I’m paraphrasing. “I have dated and they were all serious because if you don’t give 100% how can you expect a man to? This notion that you shouldn’t give your boyfriend husband treatment is crazy to me. If I go to his house and his fridge is a mess I’ll clean it out. If I’m spending the night I’ll buy better sheets. If he has a business and I see him working hard I’ll help him build it. You may call it treating him like my husband; I call it building a relationship and once I give my all and I see he isn’t ready for that or not giving his I can walk away with no regrets. I’m not saying we play house or do this indefinitely but I’m saying it works for me”

Often times when I write I try and be impartial but with this conversation I found myself agreeing with her logic because it’s a mindset I share. Do you know why they call it a courtship? It’s not only because the man is courting the woman but it’s also so that they can see what each other like, if they mesh. By giving all of yourself you aren’t really losing anything because it’s better than giving 50% and hoping that he or she knows there’s a prize at the end of the rainbow.

Another aspect we touched on is finances; because of her appearance a lot of men think that it’s about the money. “They see the car I drive or where I live and feel like, “She must be having a man take care of her,” not knowing that everything I have I worked for. I’ve dated guys that made six figures and were selfish and flashy and I’ve dated men that make twenty thousand and would give me their last. I make good money. Give me a man that makes 35k a year and it’s our 35k over a man that makes 250k and he’s selfish. I don’t mistake frugal with cheap or selfish by the way. If you’re saving and have a plan; you don’t have to wine and dine and spoil me but if you can spend your resources on everything but me. Then I have a problem.”

Standards. Standards are different for every woman. Some women ask very little and some ask a lot. In her case it’s a mix but a mix that works for her. “If you can get up and be at meetings with your clients 45 minutes before they start. If you can make it to the airport and to the gym and be this man that’s constantly impressive you need to be impressive for me also. Don’t show up late or cancel dates and constantly expect me to understand when you never do that for other aspects of your life.”

If there’s anything I want people to get from this article and this conversation it’s this. There is nothing the matter with seeing clothes in a basket and asking him if they are clean and folding them. It doesn’t make you naive or silly to look in his fridge and see beer, takeout and something that used to be an apple in the back and saying, “Let me get this man some groceries or cook him a real meal.” If I’m outside and you show up and I hear your brakes or see your car is dirty, It’s not treating you like my wife to wash it or to check and see if your brake pads are stripped. It’s treating you like someone that’s important to me. This concept that we shouldn’t “Give boyfriends/ girlfriends husband/wife treatment is implying that being giving and selfless has to be reserved for a ring.first dance ring

– Demez F. White