Love Can Make You Crazy….

every-man.jpgTell me you love me.

Tell me you love me and I’ll never doubt you again. Tell me you love me even if it’s a lie and it burns your soul to tell that lie. The moments we live, the moments that make and break our lives are moments that never die. No matter what we do in life, how far we go or don’t go those moments will live within us.

If you tell me you love me, look me in my eyes and ask me to write about that love… I can’t help but to fall in love with you because I want to anyway. Love is a lot of great things but love can also be so damn damaging.

I’ve written about a lot of things since I started demezw.com. You know what I’ve never written about? It’s about a woman that sent me a text outside of CVS on 59 and Tidwell at 4:45pm and told me I wasn’t good enough. She told me she never loved me, she just felt sorry for me. I don’t remember being sober for months after that. There was even a couple of times I help my gun in my hand wondering If I deserved to be here.

Hearing the words, “I love you,” could have stopped me, could have calmed me. But they never came and the thoughts of my family and them having to live with my sins haunted me.

Tell me you love me.

Save me from myself, save me from a lifetime of not knowing and stressing over whether or not I’m making progress in being good enough. It’s something that keeps me up at night, something that drives my ambitions but that also sabotages them.

My pride may be the death of me. Calling her, telling her I miss her. Calling her again and again, that’s just never been me. I just can’t be the man that pops up and lies in my sword for the sake of making her happy? How do you sacrifice your pride when it’s gotten you thru so much?

Maybe I’m just crazy…..

Five Things Women Do That Make Guys Crazy… (In A Good Way)

a couple prayThese five tidbits of information are strictly from my experiences. I’m positive every man doesn’t feel the same way, I’m sure every woman doesn’t take pleasure in doing the things on this list. But none of them are vulgar or weird, it’s Friday and the other day I wrote ten things that women do that baffle men so this is balancing that blog out. Good Morning!!!!!!! By the way! It’s Friday and beautiful and let’s get it!

Five– Men love sex, this isn’t up for debate, but what I can tell you from firsthand knowledge is that men love “She’s only doing this for me,” sex waaaaaaay more. Look, some women are naturally deceptive and charming, she’ll have you thinking you’re the only one when she has a husband or five other men but that’s not most women. Most women may have had their fair share of men but even with that there’s only certain places they were willing to go with those men. The really freaky stuff, the showing up in trench coats and lingerie, the Friday night, “in a booth,” kinkiness… Every guy isn’t getting that and when we do, especially from a woman that’s our equal or better than us. We go crazy!

Four– Do you know there are alternatives to going out to dinner or having someone come to your home? Dating in the 21st century is weird because everyone is skeptical but the thing is it won’t hurt you to be thoughtful or creative. When a woman cooks for me you know what I’m thinking… She went to the grocery store, she prepared the food, she cooked the food. She took time that could have been used doing a dozen other thing for me. That’s unusual these days and let’s say she asks to meet me in a parking lot and gives me the food in Tupperware or wrapped in foil. I’m going to appreciate that effort to no end! Men go crazy for those sorts of gestures!   

Three- As much as women think that men aren’t aware of how much beauty cost or what it takes to maintain and groom, we do. The last woman I dated, she spent around 200 to get her hair fixed, pedicures and manicures were around 80, waxing and eyebrows, going to the gym, lingerie. Being sexy and put together isn’t cheap and it’s time consuming. So if we have a date on Friday night I’m aware of how much she had to go thru between Thursday after work and today. Knowing she put all this effort into wanting to look good for me, knowing she could have put off getting her hair done to the first or did her own nails but chose not too because she realizes how much I love seeing her this way. We go crazy for that!

Two– I don’t know how many men this will apply to but it applies to me. I love writing and reading and I love when I can incorporate the two with a pretty woman. Everything these days is short hand, quick responses, everyone is in a hurry. When I get a notification on my phone and it’s a well written email about her day or a FB message even though she could have easily called me I smile. It takes time and thought to write out your thoughts. It’s energy that’s positive and sweet. There’s a certain amount of caring that’s attached to that. I got crazy for that!

One– Picture text and not just the freak ones. But at her desk, in the bathroom, driving to work. Pictures that she’s not sharing with Instagram or Twitter or Facebook; pictures she took with me and only me in mind. Guys aren’t stupid, I’m not going to ask you for a freaky pic at 10am and you send me four in a row. You didn’t take those for me, I may enjoy them but so did some other guy. I’d rather have the pic of you “as is” and know you took it with me in mind. Men go crazy for that!

Good Times and the Bad…

“You’re always angry, you’re an asshole!”

“You’re always tired, stressed, sad. I’ve been here, I listen, I try to make it better but how much am I supposed to take? You don’t want me to be here with you but you don’t want me out there with them?!”

“You don’t have to be here! Leave! I was fine before you and I will be fucking dandy after you!”

Her eyes were read, I couldn’t tell if it was from her being tired or her crying. I couldn’t read her anymore. My back was to the door, a part of me wanted to turn around, leave and start a life without her.

But….

What was life if it wasn’t with her?

She wanted me to leave, she wanted me to be like them. She wanted a reason to hate me, to push me away. Leaving would give her that reason. Leaving would be the easy thing to do. But what was supposed to be easy about love? She wasn’t happy and what kind of man would I be if I walked away when things were difficult? We would find happy together or we would be miserable together.

“I read your writing, I hear your phone vibrating when you’re in the shower or outside! You’re here out of loyalty, not love! I’m not the woman you write about, the women you tell the world you want! So what’s the point?! Just leave… I’ll be alright.”

I closed my eyes to stop from screaming, I squeezed my hand shut to stop from slamming it into a wall. I was here, I was faithful, I was honest and that wasn’t enough for her. My heart was beating, not with anger, but with the thought of losing her. Why the hell couldn’t she understand that?!

“Come here.” She stepped back.

I stepped forward. “COME HERE!”

She tried to push me off but I grabbed her and before she could scream or cry or curse I kissed her. I didn’t give her a chance to not kiss me back, I didn’t give her a chance to think. I just wanted her to react. With my lips on hers, my hands sliding down the back of her panties I wanted her to kiss me back, I needed that to be her first reaction. And it was, our passion wasn’t lost in our anger, our passion was intensified by our anger.

Picking her up and sitting her on the bar, her heat smothering me. Her need drowning me. I pulled away with my hands on her waist and my eyes locked with hers.

“I’m not going anywhere no matter how much you push me away. I’m not going anywhere!”

The tears I knew she was holding in started to fall and her hand found my chin, found my nose, found my cheek.

“Please don’t go anywhere…”