Cuffing Season or Settling Season?

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_nIt’s incredibly easy to feel like cold weather and a Boyz II Men Christmas CD is Gods way of telling you that he doesn’t want you to be alone during the Holiday season but isn’t there something sort of off about giving the most intimate and family oriented time of year to someone just because it’s cold or you don’t want to go to Thanksgiving dinner alone?

I’ve been guilty of making cuffing season jokes since Halloween, maybe even before that, but understand something, Cuffing season is a real thing. Outside of the songs and jokes people really do enter into situationships this time of year and there are tangible reasons for it. The weather is colder, the nights come earlier, people don’t want to go out. It feels better lying on the couch watching a movie, cooking and staying warm. The Holidays feel better when there’s someone to share them with even if that’s not someone you were wanting to spend that time with in June or July.

It’s more than just physical interaction by the way and by physical I’m not talking about sex. It’s being close to someone, laying on them, cooking next to them, seeing them step out the shower. Even if you never do more than feel their body heat against yours you’re building a connection with someone based off the fact it’s cold outside. You’re spending Thanksgiving feeding him or her, you’re going to buy them a Christmas gift because you like how they look in a tie or a pair of shoes. Feelings start to develop that aren’t real because come Spring you’re going to want to pursue other options. We all want to be important to someone, the important thing is that it isn’t phantom importance.

There’s a difference between compromising and settling, compromising is having an honest opinion about where you are in life and what you’re looking for and realizing your expectations will have you lonely. Settling is seeing the way someone looks at you and falling in love not with that person but with that feeling. Settling is him calling you and asking if you’re hungry and you remembering how good that feels to know someone is thinking about you. “Cuffing Season” isn’t the time of year to decide which is which. It’s okay to be alone, being alone is better than having to pull yourself out of a situation you never intended on being in anyway.

Walking Thru Old Doors…

rbvs0170617Comfort is attractive.

It’s why we have those broke in gym shoes that we love to wear or that dirty baseball cap. Night gowns that have seen better days and t-shirts that got washed one too many times. When something is comfortable it is almost impossible to let it go.

There’s this familiarity with it, who likes starting from scratch? Having to get to know someone all over again, asking 21 questions and waiting for someone’s representative to leave. It’s not fun and especially when you’re lonely or bored the temptation to go back to what’s comfortable can be deafening.

So many people are tempted to walk thru those old doors because in life it’s so much easier to dance with the devil we know. Six months of no sex, no kissing, no comfort. Six months of so so dates or bullshit dates. Over time you stop forgetting why it fell apart and what you miss about them. Over time you forget why you fell out of love and start remembering why you fell in love so you walk thru those old doors.

For a week, for a month, you feel good. You start to regret even walking away in the first place but that feeling is a mirage, that comfort isn’t true. It doesn’t take long to realize they haven’t changed, it’s the same package in new wrapping. Why put yourself thru that when there’s so many other knobs just ready and waiting to be turned.

When we know someone can turn us on, when we know they know what food comforts us when we had a bad day at work. All our friends and family like them or maybe our friends and family have never met them but there’s just something about them that comforts us. That’s not an easy thing to recreate. Those moments don’t just happen overnight. They take time and effort and isn’t it easier to not put in time and effort?

We often judge each other for going back to people that lied, cheated, stole, straight broke hearts! We judge them knowing we’ve probably been in the same situation and did the same exact thing. If you love someone maybe you just have to stand back and let them walk thru those old doors and see for themselves.

As a man the hardest thing ever is knowing a woman is amazing. Knowing she’s a beast in bed, smart, giving, thoughtful and cooks. Knowing she has all these things going for her and for some reason there’s just not the love there that she needs. Knowing that no matter how great she is you’ll never really be in love with her. It’s hard because even though you don’t want her, you don’t like the idea of another man touching her, the idea of another man eating her food or seeing her in panties. You leave that door open for her to come in knowing it’s only out of selfishness. Knowing she’s going to hate you for playing with her.

Walking thru those doors rarely works out. Remember that the next time you have a couple of drinks and his/her name starts looking tempting in that phone.

Demez F. White
@authordwhite on Twitter

5 Flirting Tips for the 21st Century

Are you tired of hearing that it’s ‘cuffin season?’ I am too so don’t feel like a Grinch. But I can be honest with myself and admit that most of it is just hating on my part.

Who doesn’t want to be in the bed or on the couch snuggled up with someone. It’s cool enough for no AC but not cold enough for the heater.

I like the give and take of flirting. I think it makes us happier people. So these are 5 quick tips to get you on the road to getting a little body heat in your life.

5. Simplicity- ‘I love when a man comes at me with pickup line’ said no woman ever. A smile, a hello and a modest compliment. If she smiles and ask you your name, you keep going. If she simply says thank you and walks off. You tried and probably made her morning with that compliment. Don’t pursue her or press.

4. Humor- Everyone can’t do funny. And furthermore it’s even harder to do flirty funny. Because depending on the woman sexual humor will never work. So the humor has to be in the middle, making fun a really nice feature of hers works. Say she’s really fashionable, make fun of how it has to be hard finding a scarf to match those shoes or bracelets. It seems silly I know but I promise you the combination of humor, attention to detail and compliments will have her blushing.

3. Gestures- This literally requires very little charm. If you’re at Starbucks or a CVS or a restaurant getting something to go tell the cashier or server you’re getting hers to. Don’t even ask her. This serves two crucial purposes. Women love subtle aggressiveness and just men that take control. And the other is that the 5 or 10 dollars isn’t enough that she feels obligated but it’s enough that she knows you aren’t cheap.

2. Social Networks- ‘FB isn’t Match.com’ says most women I know even though that’s how I met half of them. Stay out of a woman’s inbox, don’t go liking 5 pics in a row and don’t add any of her pretty ass friends. You want her attention, wait until she post a status or picture and comment with something witty. She’ll notice you and respond to that comment. And that’s your ‘in.’ This is all dependent on her being somewhat attracted to you but your goal on a Social Network should never be to ‘take her out.’ It should be lol’s, smiley faces and interactions.

1. Wear you well- I used to be ashamed or feel uncomfortable when I’d meet women in my work clothes. An old polo or t-shirt, dusty jeans and steel toe boots. But now I’ll wash my hands, wash my face and walk into a Happy Hour with the swagger of a guy in an tailor made suit. Because its not your clothes or yor watch or your ego that makes flirting work. It’s the confidence of being comfortable with who you are. If you’re relaxed that vibe will extend to her.

These are just five tips that will hopefully lead to a phone number that will hopefully lead to date that will hopefully lead to some body heat.