There Isn’t A More Dangerous Drug Than Love

Last Night In Paradise

Last Night In Paradise

Have you ever seen someone trying to beat an addiction? Not on a movie or in a book but literally smelt, felt, saw that person not have control of their bodily functions. They couldn’t stop sweating, couldn’t stop scratching, couldn’t sleep. The intensity of the pain almost makes you want to go out and get them the drugs their body is so desperately craving. It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Heroin, cocaine, alcohol, pills, there’s hundreds of drugs people can become addicted to and all of them have the ability to take your life or destroy your life but none of those drugs are as dangerous as love. Love separate’s itself because unlike crack or coke or even liquor love can’t be treated with medicine or rehab. There’s no 12 step program for getting someone out of your heart and your thoughts.

I once read that it takes twice as long as you were with someone to get over them. I’m not sure if that’s true but I wouldn’t doubt it, especially if the love was real. If it was intense and serious. The thing about love that we seem to forget is that it isn’t in our heads, love is an actual drug that seeps into our veins and it changes us.

When you feel like you’re about to lose that man or woman you love, your heart starts beating fast, your head hurts. You can’t hold any food down because you feel nauseous, all your energy is gone. Work doesn’t seem as important, family doesn’t seem as important. It’s almost as if your world stops at the thought of a life without them. That’s the effect love has on us, no other drug can do that.

You can get coke from a dozen different dealers. You can get liquor from a hundred different restaurants and stores. Most highs come in varieties but love is usually unique to one person. Think about that for a second; imagine having the flu and there was only one doctor on this earth that has the medicine you need. That’s love. There’s only one person that can stop the pain that started in your heart but that has taken over and paralyzed your body.

It’s okay to feel like you’re immune, like “That will never happen to me.” But if you’ve never felt the pain of love than you’ve never felt the pleasure of love either. If you’ve never felt the withdraws of someone you need to survive, than you’d never felt the high of holding a woman in your arms and feeling as though you don’t even need oxygen as long as the warmth of her breath is on your neck. Love is dangerous and cruel at times but that is only surpassed by the beauty of that same love.

I’m All In

cba 3I write these two page short stories every now and again because I want people to know what they’re getting when they buy my novel. I use my name because I put my emotions and my life in these words, in every word.

“Is it real?” I put my Corona on the floor and leaned back, was she serious?

“Do you want to touch it and see if it’s real?” She smiled and blew me a kiss.

I couldn’t remember the last time I was speechless about anything. She was standing in front of me, her jeans unzipped, her wet t-shirt pulled up past her bra and her pink nails removing the bandage. I wasn’t surprised by what she was about to show me but I was surprised that she’d actually went through with it.

It never came up but I was sure she got some kind of laser hair removal down there because every since I’d known her intimately it was as smooth as babies skin. There they were, staring me in the face. Two letters about the size of big paper clips sitting right below her panty line. Damn near glowing from the ointment that was covering them.

I downed my beer and stood up. Her eyes wouldn’t leave mine.

I wish I could front but I couldn’t, seeing my initials on someone so beautiful did something to my ego. This wasn’t a woman that had a bunch of tattoos or was impulsive, she thought about everything she did, we talked about everything to the point of wanting to strangle each other at times. So the fact that she did this scared me more than anything.

It told me she wasn’t playing any games. I rubbed my hand across the D first and then the W. Outside of a wedding ring or a baby how much more real could a situation get? She let her panties go and the lace covered my finger. I didn’t move it.

The rain was coming down harder now.

“I told you the other night this was yours.” She took my hand and slid it a couple of inches to the left, we were still standing.

“I wasn’t lying to you the yesterday, if I can’t have you, I swear no one will because no one else is going to have me!” She put her head in the crook of my neck and started to suck, she was a bitter.

Looking out the window at the rain falling, looking at the table, at her cell phone glowing with our picture on the screen I knew she was in deep. I was sure I loved her but the intensity with which she loved me was crazy. Before her I thought I had jealousy issues, after her I really learned what jealousy issues were. Even with everything that was going on in my head, the harder she sucked my neck the harder I pushed my two fingers inside of her. She was grinding on them, I knew it was just a matter of time before she pushed me down on the couch.

The tattoo was real, my initials were on her for life now. Did I even want that kind of responsibility in my life?

She pushed me on the couch and tried to climb on top of me, I stopped her and flipped her on the couch. I fell to my knees and pulled down her jeans just a bit, pulled at her panties just a bit and wiped the tattoo with my t-shirt. Then I licked it and kissed it.

She rubbed my hair and looked down at me, “What are you doing D?”

I looked up and pulled her shirt down, I kissed her stomach. “Would you die for me, fight for me?”

Her lips felt so soft on my forehead. “If there’s no you, there’s no me.” I pulled her face to mine and kissed her, the thunder made her jump so I kissed her harder.

“It’s throbbing baby, can you stop all this touching and kissing and kiss “it?”” I stood her up, zipped up her jeans and pinched her nipple.

“I promise to stop the throbbing when we get back.” I grabbed my jacket off the couch and opened the door with the rain coming down hard.

“It’s nasty out there boy! Where are we going?” She was pulling at my belt and trying to get my shirt off.

“Back to the tattoo place, if you’re all in. So am I.”

No more words needed to be said, she just cut off the lights and grabbed her jacket. “I’ll take care of you in the car, let’s go.” The smile on her face was huge.

I locked the door and went to get her initials.

Maybe we had some sort of crazy co-dependent relationship.

Maybe I was drawn to her because she needed saving and I needed to be needed.

Maybe having the novel out and having a career that was blossoming didn’t fulfill me like I thought it would.

Either way, yesterday morning when I woke with her straddling me, tears in her eyes and a silk scarf in her hands.

“I’ll kill you or myself before I let you leave me, do you understand me?” She was naked, her eyes were almost swollen from the tears, all I could do was hold her to stop the shaking. Most men would have ran or been scared. I’d never been more infatuated, more in love.

When you’re alone for so long you tend to appreciate when someone loses their mind over you and in turn you probably lose a little of your mind. Was I losing mines?

Love/Hate Situations…

“Make me a believer.”

“Why are you doing this?! You either believe me or you don’t!”

For two months I didn’t get so much as a phone call, a text message, a damn letter! And now she was standing in front of me telling me that it was mines. Telling me her heart was in my hands. I knew the truth, we both knew the truth but the truth was always relative when it came to her.

“How do I make you a believer!!!? I’m here aren’t I!? I’m right fucking here!!!” She started to take off her clothes, there was nothing sexy about it. Nothing passionate about her motions. She was doing what I needed her to do. What I wanted her to do.

“Don’t do that?! DON’T DO THAT!!!! Put the fucking clothes back on!” I turned my back and took the glass of cognac to the head. I didn’t want her but I wanted her and she knew that. I couldn’t look at her, if I looked into her eyes I would be done.

“DON’T YELL AT ME! DON’T FUCKING YELL AT ME! YOU WANT ME HERE AND YOU KNOW YOU DO! STOP LYING TO YOURSELF…. Stop lying to yourself… I could feel her nipples on my back through my shirt, her breath on my neck. Her hands on my stomach.

“Don’t yell at me… Don’t act like you don’t miss me, like you didn’t miss me. Please.”

My hands were on the bar, squeezing the bottles in front of me. My knuckled bruised and swollen from the fight I lost against the drywall. She was no good for me, this relationship was no good for me but she was everything to me.

How was that possible? How was it possible that she was my everything and my nothing at the same damn time!? I turned around and my body was betraying me, my eyes, my hands, my dick. Everything in me wanted her, needed her. How do you fuck a woman into staying home? How do you suck her into not wanting more? How do you lick her into wearing your ring and loving you at all cost?

“I can’t keep doing this Crissy! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill him! Do you understand that?! DO YOU!?”

Whether or not I meant to the words I didn’t know. It was impossible to know, I wasn’t a fool I knew where she was. And why she couldn’t decide between either of us was something that drove me mad. My hands were wrapped around her neck, she was naked and it would take so little to choke the life out of her. The tears were falling but I had no way to know if they were real or if she was just in my head like she always was.

“If you don’t believe me…. If you don’t love me… Do it! DO IT! DO IT YOU FUCKING COWARD! CHOKE ME NOW IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!?”

My grip tightened and I could see her losing breath but she wasn’t fighting me, she wasn’t struggling. I hated her.

“I hate you so fucking much! I hate you bitch!” Her naked body went limp in my arms and I let go, my hand prints around her neck, she fell to the ground struggling for air and I fell to the ground with her.

“I hate you but I love you… but I love you.”

Her coughing was uncontrollable but that didn’t stop me from kissing her, from her kissing me back! She was getting her breath back and taking me inside of her mouth, trying to suck me into loving her, into forgiving her! Trying to suck the soul out of me!

“This doesn’t change anything! It can’t!”

“Nothing’s changed, I’m yours and you’re mine! You taste so good baby! You taste so good, choke me! Make me love you! Fuck me until I love you! Until I forget about him! Make me forget about him!”

Pushing her to the ground and pushing myself inside of her, her legs wrapped around my back. The glasses from the bar crashing down and hitting the hardwood floors behind us I needed her to feel me! To know how much I needed her! To know how much better than him I was!

“Make me forget! MAKE ME LOVE YOU!”

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the image of her being with anyone else. The other women I called her name, the times at the gym when I hit the punching bag with bad intentions trying to kill her memory! I needed to forget her!

“I hate you! I HATE YOU!”

“You love me… You love me… You looooooooove me! Oh my God! OOOHHHHH MYYYY GOOOD!”

She was screaming for God and creaming for me but in my heart I knew she was thinking about him.