Voices In the Darkness

Voices In the Darkness

At times no matter how hard I try and ignore them the voices never go away.

In my dreams, in my nightmares, they wake me out of my sleep and terrorize me. Pulling me astray.

You’re all alone they say, you’re no good they say, why are you even here? Alcohol stops them at times but they don’t go away.

Anger gives way to solitude, solitude gives way to sadness, sadness gives way to hopelessness. No matter how hard I pray or ignore them in my heart I know the voices will eventually take me into their darkness.

Most of my life has been spent alone. Even in a room full of family and friends, there’s no one. With women on top of me, soothing me, still alone. Just me and the voices.

My phone rarely rings anymore. Text are few and in between. All that is left is my writing and I fear I’m slowly losing that with the lose of my desires, my dreams.

I’ll keep fighting the voices. I’ll keep remembering all that’s good within me but my fear is that my destiny walks hand in hand with my destruction.

~ Demez F. White

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Gloomy Days

I feel as though the walls are closing in on me. The more the months, weeks, days go by I can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn from everything I love, I care about. There are days I sit at my desk at work or at home and the words don’t flow like they use to, I scroll through my phone and there’s no one to call. I dial the numbers and have the conversations, we laugh and talk but when it’s over I feel empty, I feel like I didn’t say what I wanted to say.

Wondering does anyone know what this feels like? What it feels like to know a hundred people, to always have to be smart or charming or funny when all you want to do is ask someone to pray with you, to pray for you, to give you a hug because you don’t know if you’re okay.

There’s an inherent sadness in me that I can’t shake, that I can’t let go of. A part of me that feels like no matter what I do or say I’m destined to be a failure. It’s the weirdest thing to be this man that’s so outwardly confident and aggressive. This man that’s always talking to others about love and honor and respect. About doing better because you deserve better! How can I be that guy when I have these days where my lows are so unbelievably low?

Women don’t like weak men, how can I be weak?
My family expects me to be a leader, how can I do that if I have these thoughts?

I worry for myself, I worry that I’ll end up alone. That I’ll never have a wife or son. Someone told me that I’m incapable of truly loving anyone because something in me is broken. I see these couples that are happy and moving forward after months together and can I do that?

I’m 31 and there are days where I feel beyond unaccomplished. I’m not a bestseller, no one is in love with me. I don’t even have a friend I can call, I have to write this on my blog. I’m starting to hate my job, I used to love it, now it feels like a prison cell.

Would I be ungrateful to say I’m just not happy, to say I’m afraid of what this unhappiness is doing to my soul? To my ability to love? To grow? How can I feel this empty when so many have so much less than me?

Like my mood, like my spirit the weather has become gloomy,, cold and stormy. Pray for me because I believe I need your prayers more than any of us will ever know. May God have mercy on my soul.

Demez