Stop With the Small Talk and Plan A Date; It May Change Your Life

It’s easy to be the man that steps up when he’s supposed to step up. When it’s her birthday, you’re on point. When it’s your anniversary, there’s not a better date planner in the world. She’s excited about a promotion; you’ll have the champagne and flowers ready as soon as she walks through the door. That’s only like 10% of a relationship though, 10% of the dating process. What about the other days, the other nights?

Calling a woman or texting a woman and asking her, “WYD” or “It’s supposed to rain tonight so what do you want to eat?” You might see it as sensible or something that just makes sense after a long day but sometimes you have to not only take control but also crave control. If you’re a man reading this I want you to ask yourself one question, “When is the last time I called a woman and told her, ‘I’m picking you up at 8, wear that black dress I saw you in when you went to your best friend’s party back in May.” Don’t be afraid of her saying she has plans, don’t be afraid of “I’m tired.” Be afraid of being ordinary.

I don’t care if your woman is in charge of the largest department in her company. I don’t care if she makes twice what you make and had to let your little brother “borrow” some money for a textbook. That doesn’t take away from that fact that just because she has to be superwoman out there doesn’t mean she wants to be that at home or in her relationship. So many men complain about dating when the truth is all you’re doing is setting a standard that lets her know she can stop entertaining those other guys. One way to do that is by simply being tastefully aggressive.

What’s tasteful aggression? It’s being the man that knows what he wants and is an adult about expressing it and actively pursuing her. Not just asking a woman out on a date or out for drinks but telling her where, what time and what you like to see her in. Not the cheesy lingerie or panty talk but actual clothes. Colors, styles, how you like her hair. If you’re a genuine guy she won’t take it as you trying to control her or tell her how to dress. She’ll take it as you being a man that pays attention.

In 2017 everyone takes pride in being laid back, in being cool. You want to know what I take pride in? Being serious about the people that matter to me and while I’m being serious I’ll take time to laugh, smile, flirt but she won’t have hesitations about my intentions.

If Your Woman Can’t Tell the Difference Between You Being Controlling or Assertive; You’re the Problem

IMG_2739

@artbysu via Twitter

What’s understood doesn’t have to be spoken in most instances but sometimes it’s good to offer reminders.

Women love tactfully aggressive and assertive men. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. The problem is too many men are trying to be assertive with women that have no interest in them. You’re mad she won’t return your good morning text when you should be texting good morning to a woman that actually wants you to text her.

When a woman likes you, I’m not even talking about love, but simply likes you. You can call her on Wednesday or Thursday and say, “I’m taking you out on Friday night, wear that black dress you wore to your bestfriends birthday dinner and I love your hair over your shoulder.” No woman that knows you’re a quality a guy is going to take that as controlling.

What I tend to see most is men feeling like women may not accept them taking the lead. You ask her out, tell her you’re going to surprise her and you take her to a Chinese spot when she’s allergic to MSG or an Italian spot and she can’t eat cheese. Unless she flat out told you and you forgot, it’s okay. That’s why you have backup plans, that’s why you can get a bottle of wine and go get a pizza and she won’t feel like she got dressed up for nothing because you’re understanding, good company and she’s wearing the black dress for you, not to be seen. Assertiveness does that for you. Not being sure about yourself, does nothing for you.

2017 has been the year of the engagement and it’s not even April yet. The one thing most of the men have in common is that they didn’t play it cool, they didn’t see her text and decide, “I’m going to look thirsty if I answer to quickly.” They didn’t text her five times asking, “WYD” hoping that she’d be the one to make the plans because he was afraid of rejection. You don’t need dating books to tell you one simple truth. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. You like her, initiate a conversation, find out who she is, what she likes and plan something off that conversation that you think she may enjoy. I can’t tell a man how to be a good husband but I can tell you how not to shoot yourself in the foot.

This picture isn’t really relevant to the story but I believe there’s something magical about couples celebrating brining a life into this world.

My Bestfriend Took Me On A Date Yesterday and I Might Leave My Girlfriend For Her

fullsizerender2 Relationships are like jobs in the sense that no matter how great they might be there are days where you’re just tired or moments where you know you have a good thing but you need reminding.
Yesterday I was sitting on the couch getting ready to engulf myself in NBA Basketball and a Game of Thrones Marathon when my bestfriend showed up and told me to take a shower and get dressed. I asked where we were going and they told me they didn’t know but that we were going to have a good time.

I threw on some jeans, a shirt and a blazer and waited for them to get ready. A part of me felt guilty for how I felt when she walked out the room. Is it normal to be attracted to your bestfriend? I wanted to hug her, to touch her cheek, feel her neck but I have a girlfriend so instead I just told her she looked nice and we left.

The first stop was happy hour in Katy and we were overdressed for the restaurant but I couldn’t stop staring at the way the dress was hugging her shape and once again I had to remind myself that I was a taken man. Sitting at the bar talking to a bartender about basketball and high school and whispering and giggling whenever she walked away, I was having a good time. A better time than I’d been having with my girlfriend recently and that surprised me. We’d always had this great chemistry and over time I hadn’t been smiling as much.

Now, I couldn’t stop smiling and if I wasn’t guilty for looking at her thighs on that barstool I was for sure guilty for comparing the two women.

She kept complimenting me and trying to take pictures of me and as much as men aren’t supposed to worry about such things, I found myself liking the attention. A beautiful woman that craved my presence, it felt good. My girlfriend is always telling me how special I am but when my bestfriend said it, there was a difference. I didn’t feel as though she was saying it because she felt obligated but because she wanted to be around me. Needed to be around me.

Stop two took us to Cyclone Anaya’s and by this time I’d say we were tipsy. The nachos were horrible, the bartender never cut the basketball games on and they mixed up our drinks. Even with all that we just talked. Talked about old friends, talked about life. Talked about things I wouldn’t talk to anyone else about and by this time any guilt I felt was gone. Being with the most beautiful woman in the room has a way of easing your guilt.

I admitted something to her that I’d never admitted to anyone. I admitted that something she told me about my upcoming novel made me change it. Her advice literally made me sit at my computer and re-think a chapter or two, something I’d never done before. Something my girlfriend never inspired me to do but this woman, this amazingly interesting and beautiful minded woman, did just that. Finding myself holding her hand as we walked and rubbing the small of her back I looked around for a second to make sure I didn’t see anyone that may have knew my woman but by then I didn’t care.

Is it possible to fall in love after one date with someone you’ve known for years? Is it possible to love two women at the same time? These are questions I was asking myself as I held her and allowed my lips to find her neck in the elevator. Just a pec, just a kiss to let her know maybe we should be, could be, more than friends.

Our last stop found us at Hotel Sorella drinking martini’s and on our phones more than we were talking to each other. I didn’t mind because being in her presence was enough. It was one of those moments where she wanted to take pictures together and for a second I wanted to stop it. I wanted to tell her, “This has been an amazing day but I have a woman at home that’s dope, that loves me.” I didn’t say any of those things though. I just took the pictures and allowed our bodies to mesh as the sun started to set over City Centre.

Ending the night right back where we started at my home I watched her stumble into the couch and just lay there. Taking off her shoes she alternated between checking her phone and looking at me.

I alternated between thoughts of kissing her and thoughts of not wanting to ruin our friendship and my relationship. I started making some snacks and she got up and told me it was time to go. Holding her hand I wanted to ask her to stay but doing that would probably make me lose my bestfriend and my girlfriend. I kissed her like friends shouldn’t kiss and stood at the door as she walked away.

As soon as I turned around my girlfriend showed up and I smiled because I could tell she’d had a good day too. That took away some of my guilt. Eating a bar food type dinner while watching Love and Hip Hop I enjoyed the company of the woman that had become the best of both worlds.

4 Reasons Your Phone Is Stopping You From Finding Your Soulmate

TextingandDatingThe hierarchy of things I need to leave to the house.

My keys.

My cell phone.

My cell phone charger.

I’m not going to be the writer that gets online and pretends my phone isn’t my lifeline to the outside world. It’s my calculator, my therapist, my calendar, my house phone, work phone, entertainment, news and phone. However, what I’ve realized is that sometimes I just have to step away from it.

We’ve conditioned ourselves to think, “What if it’s an emergency?” When the truth is the majority of our times spent on our phones are on social media. Social media is an amazing invention. Dictators have been overthrown because of social media. Laws have been passed because of pressure from social media. We have our first black President because of social media but social media also has a downside.

That downside is why you need to put that phone down and learn to enjoy life.

Unreasonable Expectations– Too much time on social media will start having you believe you deserve or want something when the truth is you aren’t actually working to get it. I see guys share pictures of models every day and they start to believe they’re going to find that woman. Ignoring beautiful women they know or work with in hopes of running into that Instagram model. When the truth is you’re 32 making 32 grand a year and you have a belly. You’re just a like to that chick on Instagram but you follow her on your phone like she’s your woman. Stop it and go on a date with a woman that might actually respond to you if you messaged her.

Social Media Induced Depression– I saw a True Life episode about married couples that couldn’t have babies. You know the number one thing all the couples had in common besides infertility? They all had to get off Facebook because the post about babies was making them severely depressed. Social media can do that to you even if you’re a strong person. You see people that have things you want and you start to say things like, “I was smarter than her in high school, why does she have a degree and I don’t.” “I’m more attractive than him, why is she with him and not me.” Don’t become jealous over people whose lives you don’t know intimately. Put the phone down and make your own memories.

Human Interaction– Talking to people is good for the soul. You can’t spend all day surrounding yourself around the same people and think that you’re growing. It’s okay to talk to a stranger while you’re waiting in line or at the doctor’s office. Your co-workers might actually have interesting lives if you give them a chance. This interaction will lead to random conversations with women that may turn out to be who you’re looking for.

Actual Memories vs. Perceived Ones– You know the weirdest thing to me? It’s when I’m at a concert or basketball game and someone is literally watching the entire event through their phone. Not dancing, not singing, not yelling at the refs but getting recordings just to put online. I’m not talking once or maybe even twice but the entire night. You’re on a beautiful beach on vacation and the sun is bright, the water clear, your girl is tipsy and looking good in her bikini and you’re looking at all of it through a phone? Some moments are meant to be shared with the world and some moments are meant to be shared with each other.

Start making memories with your heart and not your phone.

There’s A Difference Between Giving Up and Knowing When Something Just Isn’t Working

Who Doesn't Want This?

We all want this but life isn’t perfect.

happy

That difference between true love and love.

“I’m never getting divorced.”

“People in our generation don’t know what loyalty is.”

“A man should take care of a woman like my grandfather and father did.”

We throw these phrases around in 2015 without actually thinking about what we’re saying. You notice how it’s always single people that make statements like, “I’m never getting divorced!” Or that say things like, “People don’t want to work for relationships anymore.” I respect any couple that can go through the ups and downs of life together for decades but let’s be honest about something. A lot of those women and men put up with things our generation would never put up with and why is that a bad thing?

If you work at a job for a year and realize you suck at it; no one blames you for quitting and finding a new job. If you buy a car because it’s sleek and pretty and realize the gas mileage sucks and it floods too much in Houston for something so low to the ground; no one judges you for trading it in for something that’s more practical. So why is it that we are so judgmental of people that realize a relationship or marriage isn’t working and decide to move on? If you give someone your all for six months and realize the differences are just too great to overcome would it be easier if you gave them a year, two years? Who are any of us to judge whether or not someone gave their all? Tell me if this makes sense: Be unhappy for a decade but you can say you were married for ten years or be unhappy for a year or two and spend the next eight enjoying your life and maybe actually finding someone that makes you smile.

For the longest time people would ask me about past relationships and I would say with pride, “I was with my ex for eight years.” But as I’ve gotten older I realized it didn’t make me strong or better than someone else for being in a relationship that long when I knew neither of us was happy. It made me a man that was afraid. Afraid of accepting that not being with her would mean uncertainty. It would mean maybe she would find happiness without me or maybe I would feel guilt for giving up on her. Fear of time wasted or guilt can’t be the cornerstone of a relationship. Being honest with yourself isn’t quitting, it’s being an adult.

How arrogant is it for people that are in marriages they resent or single people that have never even been engaged to make statements like, “People don’t try anymore.” Every marriage, household, relationship is different. You think that man or woman that you feel like just gave up went into their marriage with the idea they would get divorced? Every story is not the same and it’s okay to say, “This isn’t working, let’s be happy.”

5 Ways I Survived My First 90 Days In A Relationship

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

For me being single meant enjoying life. I never found talking to someone for the first time and staying on the phone with them for two hours awkward. I loved dates and random happy hours and breakfast before work with someone I just met the day before. Going to Vegas for a fight and not having to answer to anyone was a really good feeling. Having a dozen female friends that I could randomly call or text wasn’t about me being a player or having options; It was about me just being me. I didn’t go looking for a relationship or a woman; it just happened. Fate just happened.

So for me it’s been a transition going from being the man that loved being single to the man that has come to love a woman. So here are the 5 ways I’ve survived the first 90 days of my relationship.

Five- LEARNING NOT TO FLIRT. When you’re single it’s called being charming, when you’re in a relationship, it’s called flirting. You want to know something I figured out within like the first couple weeks? Girlfriends don’t like when you flirt with pretty girls, online or in person. The weird thing about being single for five years is that flirting becomes second nature, giving compliments becomes second nature. I found myself doing it and not even realizing I was doing it. Now what do I do? I give myself a ten second pause before I comment on a picture or offer to buy a women’s lunch because her pencil skirt fits her like a glove.

Four- LETTING GO OF FRIEND-GIRLS. Now hear me out, I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends but what I am saying is that I had a lot of women in my life that I thought were friends and once they found out I was in a relationship those friendships sort of evaporated. Not because of romantic feelings or jealously but because I treated them more like dating buddies than friends. I flirted, I paid for meals, I was there at all times of the night or morning. Those women were amazing women but they weren’t conducive to being a good boyfriend because you can’t have all these deep connections floating around. Friends understand that, you have to cultivate friendships. Real ones, not the ones that are convenient.

Three- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Over the past three months I’ve realized something about myself. I lie a lot and I don’t like awkward conversations. Here I was thinking all this time that I was this blunt, forward, keeping it real guy. When I say a lie a lot, I lie about small things and those small things have the ability to add up really quick. Let me give you an example. Your girls asks you, “Babe, am I over here too much?” You want to say, “Yes, go home and give me a day to lie in my boxers and leave the house a mess and not shower and eat greasy foods without you fussing at me about being healthy.” Instead what do you say, “Of course not babe.” That’s a lie and those types of lies lead to petty arguments and trust issues. Just be honest, even when your first instinct is to lie. I’m not all the way there but I figure around the sixth month I’ll be a truth telling machine.

Two- CELLPHONES ARE MANIPULITIVE LITTLE JERKS. Look, no guy wants to be the guy that’s insecure or overly jealous and for the most part I’m not that guy but do you know who’s always getting in my head. Her cellphone!!! Her cellphone taunts me, it mocks me while I’m watching a game or eating dinner. I promise you it only lights up when I walk by it, it only “dings” when I mute the television and that ding echo’s throughout the house like a rooster on a crisp summer morning. I’ll see a text or Instagram comment and her phone whispers to me, “Who is that Mez?” “Just pick it up and see what she’s saying Mez?” “You aren’t doing anything she wouldn’t do Mez.” Being in a relationship doesn’t entitle anyone to touch someone’s phone. Don’t listen to them, cellphones are such jerks because once we get in relationships we stop giving them as much attention. So they want to sabotage us. JUST SAY NOT TO CELLPHONE PEER PRESSURE!

One- ACCEPTING YOU’RE NO LONGER SINGLE. This was the biggest one for me because this was the one that sets the standard for everything else on the list. Doing things like introducing her as your girlfriend when you’re out or letting her know when you’ll be out late with your boys. It’s okay to be considerate, it’s okay to make her feel like she matters more than other women. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been an adjustment of major proportions and I still have so much to adapt to and learn but what I do know is that my heart is in it so I’m willing to try.

Don’t Call Her Insecure Unless You’re Willing to Call Yourself Insincere

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

What’s worse than being lied to? It’s having the feeling that you’re crazy. Some women call it intuition, some men call it having a feeling in your gut but it’s all the same for all of us. Those moments where you’re in the shower or driving to work and something just doesn’t feel right.

You can’t put your hand on it, you don’t have any real proof but whatever it is, is just nagging at you. A part of you wants to ask questions, investigate but you don’t want to be crazy. He’s already told you everything is okay, there’s nothing going on so why sabotage your own happiness?

As men and even women in some cases a well-placed or timed lie that you think does no harm makes all the sense in the world in that moment. “I don’t want to argue so let me just tell them what I think they want to hear.” The problem is maybe you can get away with one small lie but small lies often lead to bigger lies and now her insecurities are rooted in your insincerity. Insecurity and insincerity are like termites, constantly eating away and ripping at the foundation. On the outside everything looks fine, the house is clean and the dishes are put away but right beneath the surface is chaos.

In the past I’ve written about gender roles. Being a man isn’t about opening a door or buying dinner, of course those things will put a smile on her face but it’s more than that. Most women, regardless of how many articles or “love experts” tell you otherwise only want honesty. They only want you to be the man you were when they first met. They don’t want to have to guess at whether or not you’re going to be a different guy every day.

Making her feel like she’s crazy because she has doubts when you know you’ve given her reasons to have doubts is not cool. There’s a good chance you’ll lose her and is anything worth that?

~ Demez F. White

I Want to Catch You Everytime You Fall- Love Letter #14

2015/01/img_0629.jpgDear Future Wife,

On this Valentine’s eve I just want to say good morning, I know it’s early but I couldn’t really sleep last night. I’ve read so much about Valentine’s Day this week and about whether or not it’s relevant to a relationships interest. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I love the idea of celebrating love. I love the idea of celebrating anything.

This is the thing, I’m the sort of man that takes pride in making my woman fall every chance I get. You get a two dollar raise at work and call me at lunch, we’re going to dinner that night. You get an A on a test I know you’ve been studying hard for, I’m buying you a cupcake with a candle just so you can make a wish that you make an A on the next test. Love isn’t perfect and it’s unique to every situation but one thing that love is; love cares more about us than it does them. Maybe Valentine’s Day is commercial and exploits the loneliest of us. I can see that but maybe it also brings out the lover in the best of us.

I will stumble and fall, I’m still learning to love, still learning to be the man I know I can be. The same way I’m willing to catch you when you fall and give you the world is the same way I’d hope you never give up on me. I have no desire to say goodbye. No desire to pretend that I’m this cool guy that doesn’t care or is excited at the thought of not spending any money on February 14, 2015. I’d rather be spending tonight watching scary movies, grocery shopping so we can eat a dinner we prepared together and wake up seeing your face. A day to celebrate love, I’m here for that.

There’s no desire in me to try and convince anyone that they should buy flowers and candles and cuddle naked eating candy. No, that’s on each individual relationship. All I’d like for you to know is that when our day comes, when you and I are best friends and nothing or no one else matters in those moments we’re laughing and looking into each other’s eyes just know days like today and tomorrow when you’re not here are going to make me appreciate you that much more.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

Dating Tip: Romantic Dates Are More Mental Than Financial

Don’t be the guy making excuses when instead you can be making promises.

1. It cost too much. That’s literally not true; research is fast and easy.

2. Nice restaurants have slow nights, usually Monday- Wednesdays. Wine bottles 50% off. Extended happy hours. Waiters that are generous.

3. Order for her. Aggression, taking control is attractive. Ask her if she’s allergic to anything and then order. Don’t demand but ask without forcing. This way you know to order something good and you control the cost. I look up the menu and read reviews for every new restaurant I go to.

4. Always carry cash to tip well. Women may not always mention it but they notice the tip.

5. Laugh and smile without being silly.

2015/01/img_0595.png

Losing You Made Me Better For Her

There are mornings I wake up and I see you in front of me wrapped in a towel fresh out the shower.

There are mornings I’m cooking breakfast when I get off work and I want to come in the bedroom, kiss you on your cheek and tell you to come eat before it gets cold.

I miss you or maybe I miss the things we did or maybe I miss the way you made me feel or maybe I just miss having someone.

Writing in the morning I have visions of you sneaking up behind me, pushing my chair back, moving my laptop and sitting on the edge of my desk. Your robe parted, my hands cold so your thighs shivering at my touch.

Your scent natural and unique, your skin soft and inviting. Most mornings I don’t even miss sex, I just miss kissing your stomach and lying there, feeling your warmth. Being consumed by the storm your presence brought to my life. I needed to lose that storm, I needed to fall into abyss to realize what I had. I won’t mess up next time, I know this in my heart, in the depths of my soul.

Maybe it’s not fair but the next woman won’t have to deal with the mood swings, the insecurities, the fear of failure and regret I wore like a backpack full of bricks. Your smile was so perfect, your laugh, your lips. I don’t miss kissing you, I miss that moment right before a kiss when you know it’s coming and your heart beats just a little bit faster. The next her will feel my presence in everything she does because I’ll make myself so memorable and honorable that her heart will beat for me like it has never beaten for another man. I owe that to my failure with you.

I won’t take her for granted when she tells me she just needs to feel like we’re progressing. I won’t turn to readers and alcohol and groupies when she’s too tired or working or needs her space. I’ll be everything to her that I wasn’t to you because I don’t ever want to see hate in another woman’s eyes that’s because of me. I want her tears to come from orgasms she can’t control and joy she can’t hide. Not heartbreak and fear and rage. We will fight over the remote, not because I didn’t come home.

Do I have regrets? Everyday and everyday I’m learning to move on from those regrets. There’s a part of me that’s still closed off and that scares me because I want to give my all. The all I didn’t give to you. You made me better and I just want to thank you for that. I still check up on you from time to time. I may not call or text but know I’m watching, I’m here, if you ever need anything.

~ 20140822-233539.jpgDemez