Two Voices: One Relationship; One Year

Her Words

Paradox. Thru my eyes my first year in this relationship is summed up in one word: Paradox. This year has been the most beautiful ugly I have ever experienced. We weren’t supposed to be; two tortured souls on different sides of the fence. I’m not even sure we were supposed to be friends. A slave to pain, I knew I loved you the fist time you hurt me. I needed someone to love, I needed someone to gift myself to.

His Words

I’m not even sure what the word paradox means, even though I’m a writer I suck at spelling and am horrible with definitions. If I had to sum up this first year in one word it would be, scary. I’ve spent my entire life being responsible to myself, to my own feelings. Learning to be responsible for someone else’s feelings, someone else’s heart, it scared me. I’m not sure I wanted a girlfriend or even someone to seriously date. I think I just needed a best friend. I needed that Love and Basketball, Brown Sugar, No Strings Attached type of friendship. How do you prepare for needing one thing and falling into something else?

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Her Words

I’ve learned so much in the first six months, like how it’s possible to love again. How the definition of love stays the same but the connotation changes. The expressions of love are all individualized. The allocation of love is circumstantial; and my love for the man that fell into my life was unconditional. I had never lived away from home let alone with someone. To see him have my back everyday despite fights, personal feelings, and dealing with his own demons, made my respect for him grow. All while hating his flaws and mistakes.

His Words

I should write a how to manual. How to be a jerk in six months time, how to push someone in six months time, how to lie and be unapologetic in six months time. What do you call it when you’re not a boy but you’re not a man? When you’re responsible and logical and respected but spoiled, insecure and demanding? You call it the first 6 months of this relationship. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s not that I didn’t want her around, it’s that I didn’t know how to return the all engaging love I was being given. Is it possible to resent someone for wanting the best for you, for seeing the best in you? Is it possible to want her to see your flaws so that your words don’t break her heart?

Her Words

The last six months unveiled myself to me. How would I deal with REAL temptation? How would I hold up under real adversity and trials? I’ve let myself down a lot over this past year. But I would redo it every time. Some are not privileged to experience what I have experienced in this past year. To find love once is rare. To experience it on this level; even more so. This year was crazy beautiful and painfully sweet. This year wasn’t fair to me. This year broke me, scarred me, aged me, contradicted me, taught me, soothed me. This year gave me valuables.

His Words

For most of my life I’ve prided myself on being a better man than my father. On being a better man than most of the men I know. This last six months have shown me that every man is one mistake, one relationship, one loving or forgiving woman a way from his own self destruction or self reflection. I have no regrets because each fight, tear, loss has lead me to this exact moment right here. In a generation of women that seem to want everything ready made it’s rare to find a woman that wants to fight the war with you and doesn’t just want the kingdom. She still talks a lot and wears waaaaay too many of my good shirts to lounge in but I wouldn’t exchange her for the world. Well, maybe the world but not a city or country or something 🙂

By Fate or By Choice

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Last Night In Paradise

I struggle every day with being a good man.

I struggle with my demons.

The fear that I won’t be able to live to to the man so many people expect me to be. Is it a mirage, is it a figment of my imagination?

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be better than the man I see in the mirror that I wonder if it’s eating at my existence?

Am I a good man? I often want to ask people that are close to me. The people that know me intimately and personally. Have I done right by those that have loved me, depended on me? Have I done right by those that saw the best in me?

At night or in the early mornings I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I wonder if my life has been shaped by fate or by choice?

Conquering Demons

Conquering Demons

I’m not really sure why I’m up at 3:30am when I have to be at work in 3 hours. I’d like to say it’s because I’m writing but the truth is all I’ve been doing is lying on this couch watching SportsCenter on mute. When I was younger I thought I was an alcoholic until I met some people that had real problems with liquor. Then I realized I wasn’t even close.

There are moments where I feel like it’s all been a blur. Where life is constantly moving and I’m not moving fast enough with it. That scares the hell out of me.

Everytime I meet a new woman and we’re doing well and I’m charming and funny and cool she always asks, “I don’t get it; why are you single?” I’m single because I’m self destructive. I’m not even sure I know how to love someone or make them happy. I know I want to, I know I get lonely, frustrated thinking about it.

My demons are that my talent and insecurities go hand in hand. The same traits that give me the imagination to tell amazing stories have me up in the middle of the night analyzing and over thinking.

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