Being Depressed Isn’t A License to Be Destructive

Depression can come and go like the weather. One minute it’s sunny and breezy and you can’t wait to go get a drink on your favorite patio bar and the next minute it starts to storm and you don’t have an umbrella. When you do get in the car, you realize you need gas and the windshield wipers aren’t working like they’re supposed to.

It hits you quick and hard and can be paralyzing to the point where you feel as though you don’t have the mental or physical energy to do anything. It’s in these moments where you have to fight the urge to be self-destructive.

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. Everyone you know has battled some form of depression or mental illness. It can be something as simple as losing your job or breaking up with a mate. Our brains interpret that pain and hurt as though it’s actual physical pain. When these moments of shock of happen you can’t use them as excuses to be destructive.

“I’m not happy in my relationship,” so I’m going to go find happiness between the legs of someone else. “I’m not getting what I need from my job,” so I’m going to leave work that other people are depending on me to finish undone. These are self-destructive traits and when you wake up from this cloud of depression you’ll have to deal with the consequences that came from your bad decisions.


I often write that the fundamental problem with most adults, men and women, is that we are unwilling to accept our roles in our own depression and bad situations. It is human nature to look out and see how someone has wronged you. When we should be looking within ourselves. You can be an amazing woman and do everything a man asks but he cheats and you have a right to say it’s his fault. But after you get past the tears, the depression, the anger, there’s a part of you that knows you saw the signs and chose to ignore them. There’s a part of you that knows you looked the other way when things didn’t feel right. You aren’t the one that broke the trust but you are the one that should have been honest with yourself.

Talk to someone.

Be honest about your feelings and allow your mind to pursued your heart out of foolishness.

There’s A Difference Between Being Selfish and Doing What’s Best For You

Don’t let people try and make you feel guilty or selfish because you don’t want to go along with their wishes or agenda. Children are a perfect example of this, especially in work environments. Do you know how often I’ve had men come to me and say, “My son has a game this weekend or my wife can’t pick the kid up from daycare so I can’t work late. I know you don’t have kids so can you stay?” If you say no people look at you like, “Oh my God, you’re so selfish.” How am I selfish because you and your wife didn’t plan better? Why is you having to pay a late fee at the daycare anymore important that me wanting to watch Netflix and take off my pants?

Having a sick mother or a grandmother that can’t drive and you can ask for some help financially but you can’t pick her up to take her to the grocery store, that’s selfish. Putting your mother in a elderly community where they have doctors, resources, where she won’t have to be at home by herself all day; maybe people judge you for that. But sometimes doing what’s best for you and being a little selfish go hand in hand.

We’re all somewhat selfish even if our selfishness is rooted in selflessness. Say someone works at a shelter and they feel as though people aren’t donating enough. Isn’t it sort of selfish and a little arrogant to feel like a person should not buy a plane ticket or a new coat but instead donate that money to the homeless? It’s their money, they worked for it, whether they want to throw it at strippers or spend it on a steak, that’s their right. And if they only want to give 20 dollars to your cause, so be it. Unless it’s family or someone that has been there for you; very few people owe you anything.

Society has a way of making you feel like doing what’s best for you is selfish. Your family is struggling, your brother lost his job, your sister is depressed; so you have to turn down a dream job to stay home and help. You have to give up on your dreams because it would be selfish to not be there. In 10, 20 years when you’ve realized that you haven’t lived the life you wanted because you were so busy taking care of everyone else; that regret will eat you alive. What so many people fell to realize is that you can help the ones you love so much more by being selfish. By building and growing and in the end you help them build and grow. As opposed to all of you struggling together.


Author Demez F. White

4 Reasons Your Phone Is Stopping You From Finding Your Soulmate

TextingandDatingThe hierarchy of things I need to leave to the house.

My keys.

My cell phone.

My cell phone charger.

I’m not going to be the writer that gets online and pretends my phone isn’t my lifeline to the outside world. It’s my calculator, my therapist, my calendar, my house phone, work phone, entertainment, news and phone. However, what I’ve realized is that sometimes I just have to step away from it.

We’ve conditioned ourselves to think, “What if it’s an emergency?” When the truth is the majority of our times spent on our phones are on social media. Social media is an amazing invention. Dictators have been overthrown because of social media. Laws have been passed because of pressure from social media. We have our first black President because of social media but social media also has a downside.

That downside is why you need to put that phone down and learn to enjoy life.

Unreasonable Expectations– Too much time on social media will start having you believe you deserve or want something when the truth is you aren’t actually working to get it. I see guys share pictures of models every day and they start to believe they’re going to find that woman. Ignoring beautiful women they know or work with in hopes of running into that Instagram model. When the truth is you’re 32 making 32 grand a year and you have a belly. You’re just a like to that chick on Instagram but you follow her on your phone like she’s your woman. Stop it and go on a date with a woman that might actually respond to you if you messaged her.

Social Media Induced Depression– I saw a True Life episode about married couples that couldn’t have babies. You know the number one thing all the couples had in common besides infertility? They all had to get off Facebook because the post about babies was making them severely depressed. Social media can do that to you even if you’re a strong person. You see people that have things you want and you start to say things like, “I was smarter than her in high school, why does she have a degree and I don’t.” “I’m more attractive than him, why is she with him and not me.” Don’t become jealous over people whose lives you don’t know intimately. Put the phone down and make your own memories.

Human Interaction– Talking to people is good for the soul. You can’t spend all day surrounding yourself around the same people and think that you’re growing. It’s okay to talk to a stranger while you’re waiting in line or at the doctor’s office. Your co-workers might actually have interesting lives if you give them a chance. This interaction will lead to random conversations with women that may turn out to be who you’re looking for.

Actual Memories vs. Perceived Ones– You know the weirdest thing to me? It’s when I’m at a concert or basketball game and someone is literally watching the entire event through their phone. Not dancing, not singing, not yelling at the refs but getting recordings just to put online. I’m not talking once or maybe even twice but the entire night. You’re on a beautiful beach on vacation and the sun is bright, the water clear, your girl is tipsy and looking good in her bikini and you’re looking at all of it through a phone? Some moments are meant to be shared with the world and some moments are meant to be shared with each other.

Start making memories with your heart and not your phone.

Trying to Keep My Faith

IMG_0001It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. Awhile for me is a week or so. I just woke up this morning with the desire to put my words down. For me faith is knowing something is going to happen or believing in something even though it hasn’t happened yet.

I have really good days and I have bad days. More good than bad but if I’m being honest there haven’t been too many good days lately. The funny thing is because of these bad days I keep feeling like I’m losing my faith but once I take a step back I realize my faith has been keeping me going.

Growing up my grandparents always told me to watch the company I keep. They told me that I didn’t need to travel in packs. “If you’re going to get in trouble, get in trouble by yourself.” My grandfather loved saying that even though I never actually got in any trouble. I regret that now. I regret not being more open to friendships.

There are times when I just need to talk, have a beer on the back of my truck with a friend and just talk. I never cultivated those friendships so here I am. That scares me.

I’m at a point in my life where I have no doubt I will be a success professionally. My writing is evolving, my readership is growing every day. I’m going to put out three novels this year and all of them are different. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve always wanted to be and sometimes I wonder if there’s a trade-off? Did me being a loner help me with my writing but made me anti-social with everything else in my life?

I once read that every great artist is tortured. That you can’t be a writer without pain. I always thought that was written by people who didn’t know how to write. Now I understand it. Now I understand that in order to find the words you have to live in the darkness.


You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

lies You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

We’ve had beautiful weather almost this entire month. Gas is cheap enough where with a hundred dollars in your pocket you can be in Kemah or Austin for a Saturday of drinks and laughs and crawfish or BBQ. I haven’t had to cut my AC or Heater on in my home in like two weeks which means my bills won’t be harassing me. It’s been a good month so why are there so many miserable people? So many unhappy/ I’m looking for a fight sort of people. It’s because people have a hard time accepting that their version of happy and their story isn’t going to match someone else’s.

You know something I’ve never fully understood? It’s adults that work and live in the real world that make fun of other adults that spend income tax money. I want to scream, “YOU DO REALIZE INCOME TAXES COME FROM TAXES TAKEN OUT OF YOUR INCOME!” And furthermore it doesn’t mean you make too much money when you get no taxes back. Do you own a home, have children, donate to charity, have student loans, the list goes on. So this idea that “I don’t need my income tax money because I’m good” is crazy! I go to work everyday and every month they take taxes out of my check. Do they hesitate to take that money? Can I say, “Chill for a couple months Uncle Sam, I will pay you all my taxes in a couple months.” Yeah, I can’t.

In the mid to late 2000’s I would see people I went to high school with graduating from college and all I could think was, “I graduated higher than them. That person could barely read. They asked me for help with that exam.” I’d see men that cheated or weren’t responsible traveling with pretty women and getting married. Maybe back then I wouldn’t have admitted this but that made me so depressed. There were weeks where I didn’t even log onto Facebook because I couldn’t see that. Ten years later I see the error in my logic. Their happiness wasn’t a condemnation on my value or self-worth. Instead of being happy for them, I was a hater. It’s impossible for a hater to be happy. My journey is my journey, good or bad, win or lose.

I remember being at 300 before it was this new bowling alley and a woman that worked at a law firm invited me to her companies bowling outing. I was working picking up dead dogs, cleaning the sides of the roads, flagging cars at intersections. I didn’t meet them in my work clothes, I didn’t even throw on some jeans and a sweater. I put on a suit and walked in there like I’d just left a board meeting. Gas tank on E, maybe 5 dollars in my pocket. When someone asked me why I was drinking water all night, I told them, “It’s an early morning and I live far.” What I remember most about that night is taking a picture and posting it online and having all these people say things like, “I see you.” “Looking good.” “I want an invite.” I was putting on for some likes knowing I was hungry as hell and wanted to take them up on their offers of drinks and food. Pride and insecurity are horrible combinations. You never know what people that look like they have it all together are going through. Love your journey and your struggle.

A Life Long Battle With Depression


Last Night In Paradise

Depression can be a taboo word, a word associated with weakness or uncertainty. I often wonder are my thoughts just in my head or figments of my imagination. In a couple of weeks I’ll be 33 years old and I’ve been fighting depression my entire life. I suppose I used to be ashamed of it and maybe a part of me still is but I always told myself, “As long as you have more good days than bad days, you’ll be okay.”

There haven’t been a lot of good days as of late and that scares me.

My favorite show is the Game of Thrones and one of my favorite characters is Jamie Lannister. There’s a scene where he’s talking to his father and his father says, “You’re going to need all the help you can get. A one handed man with no family and no friends.” Sometimes I feel that way, like I’m a one handed man with no friends and family.

The solitude I feel, the loneliness, the emptiness, I’ve always thought it made me a better writer. The thing is though, what’s the point of being a better writer if the rest of me is in shambles?

It’s 5:00am and here I sit, at this computer, a glass in my hand, the world in slumber waiting for the weekend. It’s 5:00am and I’m worried that I will lose this battle one day.

Stop Making Excuses For Bad Behavior

I hold men to a higher standard than I hold women because men are supposed to be less emotional, more in control. I’m fully aware that for a lot of men that isn’t the case, they are more feminine in a lot of cases than women are but regardless of that men still have to be men.

In holding men so accountable what I’ve also done is not address a significant elephant in the room. Women making excuses for bad behavior. I’m not a hip hop writer but earlier this week or late last week Rick Ross got engaged and in typical rapper fashion he’s marrying a stripper. What comes with rapper+stripper+social media? Foolishness. His fiances mother said, after a woman accused the rapper of sleeping around, “It doesn’t matter what he does in the streets, men will be men. What matters is that he’s taking care of home.” People killed her on social media for that mindset but in reality they were just killing her for saying it online.

I want everyone that’s reading this to be honest with yourself. You don’t have to comment or tell the world but just be honest with yourself. How many women do you know that are married or that are in a relationship and they overlook questionable or bad behavior by their man. They overlook it because the good qualities out way the bad. They overlook it because he keeps whatever he’s doing a secret and he’s not embarrassing her. Let’s be honest. Our grandmothers, our mothers, they may have never said this was okay but we know they accepted it. We know they turned a blind eye and in turn they created a generation of women that think it’s okay.

I’m here to say it’s not okay. I don’t care if a man is taking care of home. I don’t care that he’s a good father or good husband of good boyfriend. Do you know how much of a hypocritical statement that is? How can a man be a good father when he’s unfaithful to the mother of his children? When those children here her crying or see her sad even though she thinks they don’t see it. How can a man be a good husband if he’s so weak that he is constantly seeking the attention of other women. Today I won’t put this solely on the men that are screwing up. Today I’m holding the women accountable that accept less than. That accept a man being less than a father, less than a husband, less than a friend.

I constantly hear stats about women outnumbering men or men having more options and maybe in a sense that’s true but you want to know what’s not true? It’s not true that men always reach for the low hanging fruit. It’s easy to convince yourself that a little bad, a little ain’t shitness is okay. But in convincing yourself of that what you’re ultimately doing is lowering your standards and being an active participant in your own broken heart.

I am one of those guys that would say, “If a man is going to cheat, that’s between him and his woman. What does that have to do with me?” I was wrong man, it’s my place to tell that guy whether he’s a friend or an associate that he’s wrong. That no woman deserves to be passed around or be forced to share. Too many men have become followers and have become afraid to lead, even if it’s only by example. And too many women have become afraid of being alone. Let me tell you something as a man that has done my fair share of screwed up things. There’s no solace, no peace in having half a man. Whatever pleasure you feel from an orgasm will quickly be replaced by the guilt and depression of feeling like you aren’t enough. Hold yourself accountable.

If your grandmother put up with your dad cheating and your mother put up with your father cheating what do you think is going to happen to your son or daughter if you put up with it? They are going to grow up feeling like it’s okay and it’s not. These kids are already exposed to more by the age of 10 then we were by 18. So why expose them to habits that will lead them down paths of unhappiness? Part of being a man is deciding that the love of one woman is worth a million women. Part of being a woman is deciding that the love of yourself is worth not accepting less than what you deserve.

~ Demez F. White

Don’t Let Insecurities Define You

One of the hardest things in the world is seeing ourselves the way others see us, especially if you’ve battled depression or anxiety. It’s no easy thing to find yourself after you’ve been in a place so dark you didn’t even know you could get out of. So don’t feel bad for moments of sadness or despair, they won’t last, not if you believe in yourself.

I’ve talked about this before but when I was child I had a misshaped head, it wasn’t horrible but it was noticeable. Though I’ve talked about that what I’ve never talked about is how it’s affected me as an adult. It’s an ongoing battle not to feel like that kid that was unattractive. There are days now where I don’t feel attractive and as a man that’s not something we’re supposed to talk about. It’s not something that men are supposed to think about but I do. I don’t feel bad or ashamed for facing those demons and getting better and more confident day after day. No one should. When you ignore your insecurities you give them an opportunity to grow under the surface.

I’ve often been an asshole or jerk or placed myself in seclusion because of my insecurities. Let me push others away before I let them tell me I’m not good enough. Let me shut people out because that’s better than not being loved. Being that man made me a better writer because I was spending so much time alone but being that man wasn’t making me a better man. Insecurities tell you that you don’t need friends but who do call at 3am when you just need to talk? Insecurities tell you that being an asshole is okay but being an asshole doesn’t compensate for the holes you have inside.

I’m not sure I’ll ever see myself as handsome and I’m finally starting to accept that that’s my insecurities talking. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have a big heart. It’s not always the easiest place to get to but with hard work, prayer, production and just living can help you grow each and every day.

~ Demez F. White


Gloomy Days

I feel as though the walls are closing in on me. The more the months, weeks, days go by I can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn from everything I love, I care about. There are days I sit at my desk at work or at home and the words don’t flow like they use to, I scroll through my phone and there’s no one to call. I dial the numbers and have the conversations, we laugh and talk but when it’s over I feel empty, I feel like I didn’t say what I wanted to say.

Wondering does anyone know what this feels like? What it feels like to know a hundred people, to always have to be smart or charming or funny when all you want to do is ask someone to pray with you, to pray for you, to give you a hug because you don’t know if you’re okay.

There’s an inherent sadness in me that I can’t shake, that I can’t let go of. A part of me that feels like no matter what I do or say I’m destined to be a failure. It’s the weirdest thing to be this man that’s so outwardly confident and aggressive. This man that’s always talking to others about love and honor and respect. About doing better because you deserve better! How can I be that guy when I have these days where my lows are so unbelievably low?

Women don’t like weak men, how can I be weak?
My family expects me to be a leader, how can I do that if I have these thoughts?

I worry for myself, I worry that I’ll end up alone. That I’ll never have a wife or son. Someone told me that I’m incapable of truly loving anyone because something in me is broken. I see these couples that are happy and moving forward after months together and can I do that?

I’m 31 and there are days where I feel beyond unaccomplished. I’m not a bestseller, no one is in love with me. I don’t even have a friend I can call, I have to write this on my blog. I’m starting to hate my job, I used to love it, now it feels like a prison cell.

Would I be ungrateful to say I’m just not happy, to say I’m afraid of what this unhappiness is doing to my soul? To my ability to love? To grow? How can I feel this empty when so many have so much less than me?

Like my mood, like my spirit the weather has become gloomy,, cold and stormy. Pray for me because I believe I need your prayers more than any of us will ever know. May God have mercy on my soul.


Fear, Depression, Faith and Redemption…

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n February 5, 2010 was the night. It was my 27th birthday and I spent it alone. I hated my job, I didn’t have any friends, no woman, I was disconnected from my family. I’d never felt more alone in my life. I was in the parking lot of a furniture store, my bank account overdrawn, tears in my eyes, I didn’t want to live anymore. I had a nine millimeter in my hand that I’d bought a month earlier from a gun show at George R. Brown. It was a piece of crap and to this day I can’t remember why I even bought it but that night I tried to load bullets into the clip and they wouldn’t fit. I’ll never forget this, it was a High Point gun and apparently Academy didn’t sell ammo for that weapon. I knew so little about guns that I thought all 9’s took the same bullets. I got out of my truck, fell to my knees and cried harder than I’d ever cried before. Prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed, I just needed some guidance, needed a sign or a message that my life was worth living.

That night I hit rock bottom. I felt unaccomplished, I felt ugly, I felt unloved and undeserving of life. I wish I could say that I was reborn that night, that I saw a light and realized my life was worth living but none of that happened. What I remembered thinking was, “I can’t put my family thru this, I can’t give up on them. I can’t go out like this. That night I vowed that no matter how depressed I got or how hard life got I would never give up again. I would never let these thoughts consume me. It’s still a struggle, there are days where happiness seems like a world away but I fight it, I pray about it, I write. I go see my little cousins and play with them, talk to them, watch their smiles. My life is worth living and so is yours. Don’t ever look at other people and feel like they have it all together because you don’t know what’s going on in their minds and hearts. You’re stronger than you know!

I’ve pushed more people away in my 30 yrs of life than you can ever imagine. There’s a fear inside of me that I’ll break her heart or disappoint her. As charming as I can be there are days where I feel like I can barely speak to people. Friends think I’m acting funny, women think I want to be a player and all I want is to sit them down and tell them that I don’t know how to be a friend. I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I know the right words to say, the right things to do but how do you open up and share the part that scares you with someone else?
There’s no way to tell a woman that I don’t think I’m good enough for you, that there are days where I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone. How do you tell a friend that I want to be there for you but I can’t even hug you without flinching or allow you to put your head on my shoulder if you need that shoulder to lean on? How do you tell them that I need your help to get to that point and I’ll pull away, I’ll be difficult, but I need you not to give up on me? I need you to fight for me, to help me fight for you.

Alcohol, women that I didn’t even like, pretending that I had it all together. That was my life, that’s who I was. I was that man because reality wasn’t something I could handle. A college dropout living with his grandparents, bad credit, out of shape and unable to smile for anything? What kind of reality is that?! I moved out and got my own place, I fixed my credit and stopped talking about what I couldn’t do for myself and started doing it. Now I spend most of my nights alone with my thoughts but I don’t think as much and I don’t have sex without meaning anymore. The process is slow and I still fall short but with each day my faith grows stronger and I don’t feel as weak, I don’t feel like such a loser anymore. I don’t know why I’m being so honest tonight other than I want someone to read this and know that you aren’t alone, that there’s no shame in thinking about depression or suicide. There’s no shame in worrying that your life won’t have any meaning. There’s only shame in giving into those thoughts and giving up on yourself and the plan and future God has for you.