Stop Making Excuses For Bad Behavior

I hold men to a higher standard than I hold women because men are supposed to be less emotional, more in control. I’m fully aware that for a lot of men that isn’t the case, they are more feminine in a lot of cases than women are but regardless of that men still have to be men.

In holding men so accountable what I’ve also done is not address a significant elephant in the room. Women making excuses for bad behavior. I’m not a hip hop writer but earlier this week or late last week Rick Ross got engaged and in typical rapper fashion he’s marrying a stripper. What comes with rapper+stripper+social media? Foolishness. His fiances mother said, after a woman accused the rapper of sleeping around, “It doesn’t matter what he does in the streets, men will be men. What matters is that he’s taking care of home.” People killed her on social media for that mindset but in reality they were just killing her for saying it online.

I want everyone that’s reading this to be honest with yourself. You don’t have to comment or tell the world but just be honest with yourself. How many women do you know that are married or that are in a relationship and they overlook questionable or bad behavior by their man. They overlook it because the good qualities out way the bad. They overlook it because he keeps whatever he’s doing a secret and he’s not embarrassing her. Let’s be honest. Our grandmothers, our mothers, they may have never said this was okay but we know they accepted it. We know they turned a blind eye and in turn they created a generation of women that think it’s okay.

I’m here to say it’s not okay. I don’t care if a man is taking care of home. I don’t care that he’s a good father or good husband of good boyfriend. Do you know how much of a hypocritical statement that is? How can a man be a good father when he’s unfaithful to the mother of his children? When those children here her crying or see her sad even though she thinks they don’t see it. How can a man be a good husband if he’s so weak that he is constantly seeking the attention of other women. Today I won’t put this solely on the men that are screwing up. Today I’m holding the women accountable that accept less than. That accept a man being less than a father, less than a husband, less than a friend.

I constantly hear stats about women outnumbering men or men having more options and maybe in a sense that’s true but you want to know what’s not true? It’s not true that men always reach for the low hanging fruit. It’s easy to convince yourself that a little bad, a little ain’t shitness is okay. But in convincing yourself of that what you’re ultimately doing is lowering your standards and being an active participant in your own broken heart.

I am one of those guys that would say, “If a man is going to cheat, that’s between him and his woman. What does that have to do with me?” I was wrong man, it’s my place to tell that guy whether he’s a friend or an associate that he’s wrong. That no woman deserves to be passed around or be forced to share. Too many men have become followers and have become afraid to lead, even if it’s only by example. And too many women have become afraid of being alone. Let me tell you something as a man that has done my fair share of screwed up things. There’s no solace, no peace in having half a man. Whatever pleasure you feel from an orgasm will quickly be replaced by the guilt and depression of feeling like you aren’t enough. Hold yourself accountable.

If your grandmother put up with your dad cheating and your mother put up with your father cheating what do you think is going to happen to your son or daughter if you put up with it? They are going to grow up feeling like it’s okay and it’s not. These kids are already exposed to more by the age of 10 then we were by 18. So why expose them to habits that will lead them down paths of unhappiness? Part of being a man is deciding that the love of one woman is worth a million women. Part of being a woman is deciding that the love of yourself is worth not accepting less than what you deserve.

~ Demez F. White

Perfectly Imperfect

“You are beautiful in each and every way, the world can’t bring you down. You are beautiful no matter what people say.”

I’m pretty sure that’s how that verse from that Christiana Aguilera song goes and if I missed some words, forgive me, I don’t really have time to do a google search on it. I was talking to a friend last night, an extremely attractive and talented friend and she wasn’t in a good place. More than anything, I think she was just heart broken.

I know, in 2014, that’s still possible.

Heartbreak doesn’t have to be one guy or one woman that you’re head over heels in love with and then BAM! It all implodes, heartbreak can be deeper in the sense that it can be a build up of fucked up relationship after fucked up relationship. Screwed up date after screwed up date and over time you just get tired of never having moments where you can let yourself be vulnerable.

Never having moments where Mr. Right or Ms. Right gives you hope. That doesn’t mean the relationship has to end in marriage or some life long fling, but it does mean that for an extended period of time someone made you feel perfect.

Someone made you feel like there was no one else in this world that they would rather be with.

For her, that day hasn’t come or if it has come it was so long ago that she can’t even remember. I’m going to tell anyone that may read this the same thing I tell myself because God knows we all want Happily Ever After.

God doesn’t take something from us without bringing something better into our lives.

He may take his own sweet time and it may kill us that we have to sleep alone or keep our issues and vulnerable natures bottled up but that day does come! Perfectly Imperfect simply means that no matter what flaws we may have, we’re all perfect to someone.

You may be the most beautiful woman in the room but you need someone to lift you up and compliment you spiritually.

You could be the most divine and spiritual woman in the room but you need a man to tell you how beautiful you are, how sexy, how much he wants you. There is no shame in needing to be comforted, no shame in wanting something you don’t have.

Life wasn’t meant to be spent alone and no matter how perfect things may look from the outside for a lot of people, they struggle and hurt just like you and me. There perfect is just as imperfect as everyone else.

You are all beautiful, I’m so serious, I could find a trait or set of qualities about each and every woman I run across and other men see it to. Some are afraid, some don’t think they’re good enough and some are just blinded at the moment.

Know your worth.

Have faith.

Believe in your perfectly beautiful imperfections.20140513-040739.jpg

You’re So Much Better Than You Know…

9447548-fashion-sexy-women-clothes-detailI write from the perspective of a single guy. If I had all the answers to relationships or marriage I’d be in a relationship or married. Pretending like I know it all isn’t something I’m comfortable doing. I often get asked why I’m single and most of the time I give an answer that sounds thoughtful or insightful but the truth is my expectations are crazy high. Like “does she even exist high?” But you know what, I wouldn’t lower them regardless because settling isn’t something that’s in me and it shouldn’t be in you. If you know what you want become a better you and get it!

All Star Weekend is in a couple of days and I read all these articles, blogs and social network post about women selling themselves or men spending their money. And what I think is this… If I had the wealth I’d be the guy flying women into Houston, buying out restaurants and putting my spoiled, arrogant woman in a hundred thousand dollar car. I’m willing to admit what most men won’t, it’s not the women wanting ballers that bother them. It’s not the men that are spending THEIR money that’s bothering them. It’s envy, jealously. Why else would you be worried about other people’s finance’s?

People don’t buy luxury cars because they want to get from point A to point B, you can buy a Honda Accord for that. Men don’t buy 300k townhomes or homes in gated communities for security; you can get a house in the suburbs for that. Men buy these cars with the leather and wood and heated seats for status. They work 21 hours a day to get that 1.2 million dollar home for status. Women are no different… That woman with the coke bottle shape, perfect features, well spoken, 600 dollar hair, nail and grooming bill a month. She isn’t dating a broke guy, she isn’t dating a guy that feels like “my money is my money” and “her money is her money.” You know what women talk like that, the women that hate those women.

Let me give you some advice about women that you don’t have to pay 29.99 for. There are three ways you’re probably going to get a beautiful, top 10% sort of woman. (1) Is you’re just a really attractive guy, charming, cool, God blessed you when it came to genes. (2) You’re successful, ambitious; you make good money, want to be great in life. Women love security and drive. (3) Talent, it’s why broke musicians, writers and artist can have the baddest chick in the room. Women love talent. When is the last time you saw a mediocre man that was moderately attractive and made 30k a year with a star?

It’s no different with women, there are not that many level headed, cool guys running around. This is strictly Demez talking… I work 10 hours a day building highways, a spend another 8 writing, building my brand or flirting. Do you think I want to spend my time with a woman that’s not like the women I write about?

That guy that’s sitting at his computer or on his phone ranting about how much of a bopper or gold-digger she is; he’s looking at his out of shape, boring girlfriend or wife sad as hell that the woman he’s investing so much time complaining about will never so much as look his way. That woman that thinks the guy spending money on this beautiful woman is stupid is looking at her mediocre man crying inside that she will never know what it’s like to be spoiled and pampered. Successful people invest their time in being great, not in what others are doing.

Instead of resenting them living their life, be better than what you are. Live up to your potential and get that woman that loves matching bras and panties, that knows the difference between workout tights, casual tights and formal tights. The one that turns heads when she walks into a room and owns that shit.

Don’t be mad at the woman that has guys lined up to take her out, to show her that they’re worthy of her time. I guarantee you for as pretty as she is, she goes to the gym, she eats right, she knows the difference between flirting and being easy. Men love that: become a better woman and watch your stock rise.

Look, this isn’t me knocking people that have settled for whatever in life. This is me saying it’s never too late to be a better you! It’s never too late to get a second income, to work out, to love yourself more than you do.

There is never an excuse for a woman to take care of a healthy, able man. You’re better than that! I promise you if you set the standard and the expectations he will listen and if he doesn’t listen he’s not worth it.

She’s Out Of Your League…

I didn’t feel bad about what I’d done, some men deserved to be with certain women. She was just not built for him, the way her ass fit right in everything she wore. She made every car I owned look good, we went out last night, every head turned. I know it was fucked up but real niggas just take what they want. He was standing in front of me looking like he was about to cry, I was tired of having this conversation with his love drunk ass.

“What did you expect?”

Handing him the drink he downed it in one motion and poured himself another, I’d never seen him look this rough in my life. Wrinkled jeans, an old t-shirt, he was a pretty boy to the core. I guess he was really fucked up over this.

“I didn’t expect this shit! I loved the girl!”

Sitting my glass down on the rail, taking off my suit jacket, it was time to be real with him. The fireworks looked amazing from up here. I was about to tell him of Renee’s Independence.

“Let me ask you a question? Is Renee the baddest bitch you’ve ever been with? Seriously, we’ve been with a lot of women, you ever seen one realer than her?”

He downed another drink and stood next to me on the balcony, it wasn’t a hard question to answer. We both knew the answer to it.

“Of course not, the first night we saw her in the club every dude in there was trying to get at her and I’m the one that got her number.”

I smiled at the memory, he was always good at getting numbers, he just couldn’t keep them.

“And you got mad props for that shit, the whole team was giving you love because you scooped her up but I knew it wouldn’t work.”

As soon as the words left my mouth I knew he knew. Maybe he didn’t know I was fucking her and she was on her way over here but he knew something. It was inevitable.

“WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT TO ME?! YOU KNEW IT WOULDN’T WORK! I’M GETTING HER BACK MAN! THAT’S MY WORD!”

I turned and faced him, took my gun out my holster and sat it on the rail next to my drink. He looked at it and took a step back, I wouldn’t shoot up but I needed to prove a point.

“Calm your ass down! And listen to me for a second. Women like Renee, she’d rather be with a made nigga that’s paid, trickin, layin pipe… than be with an average nigga that’s treating her like a Queen. It’s not her fault though, look how fine she is, look at all the attention she gets. Why the fuck would she ever work a real job?”

His hands were on his head, he was pacing, looking at my gun. I’d taken the clip out just in case he tried to grab it but the truth was I didn’t think he had the heart to grab it. He just wasn’t built like that.

“So what you sayin D? Me loving her ain’t enough? I see the way she looks at me, she want me like I want her! We talk on the phone all the time, I know I’m not imagining shit!”

This nigga talking about “talking on the phone,” and I’m talking about taking her to places she’s never seen. Buying her shit that hugs her body like a glove, he just doesn’t get it. Maybe for some women it’s about the love but for her…

“Look, you my man so I’m go keep it real with you… She out of your league, she was from the first night you tried to talk to her. I don’t know why she gave you any play in the first place. Maybe it was because you’re a good man. And you are a good man. How many times have you covered for me? Lied for me? You even took that weed charge for me when you knew I was on probation. You a good dude but this game not made for suckers.”

He threw his glass across the living room and it shattered into the door.

“You calling me a sucker because I’m a “good dude.””                   

I grabbed his shirt and slammed him into the patio door!

“I’M CALLING YOU A SUCKER YOUR BITCH CHOSE! THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU TO MEET ME OVER HERE! Look outside, look at the view. Look around you, women like Renee, she knows I’m not about shit when it comes to being faithful or holding her down if she’s sick or some shit. But I’m giving her the life, the access, shit you can’t give her because you’re not a made nigga.”

I was ruining my friendship but some women were worth a friend or two.

“WHAT?! ALL THESE YEARS AND YOU DO THIS TO ME OVER A WOMAN? I LOVE HER GOT DAMMIT!”

“AND I DON’T LOVE HER! BUT I LOVE HER ASS AND THE HEAD AND EVERYTHING ELSE COMPLETELY MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL ABOUT THE BITCH! WE BEEN BOYS A LONG TIME, YOU COULD HAVE RODE WITH US WHENEVER YOU WANTED BUT YOU CHOSE TO BE AVERAGE! YOU CHOSE THAT LIFE! AIN’T A DAMN THING CHANGED WITH ME, YOU STILL MY MAN! BUT IF YOU CHOOSE TO CATCH FEELINGS AND ACT LIKE A BITCH OVER THIS! THEN FUCK YOU…”

I let him go and pushed him, I was tired of it. Tired of pretending we didn’t live in different worlds.

“You call me a sucker, take my girl and disrespect me?” He was standing there with murder in his eyes.

“I did and it’s nothing you can do about it but move on… Go find some lame bitch and have lame kids and a white picket fence. Get the fuck out of my apartment before I forget we WERE boys.”

He didn’t say anything else, just looked at me with murder in his eyes but he was a lame. I wasn’t scared. He opened the door and Renee was standing there tipsy and smiling, when she saw him she jumped back, surprised.

“I’m sorry…”

He spat at her, “Fuck you bitch!”

I knew it wasn’t over…

 

I Pray For You… ‘Selfless Content’

I couldn’t sleep, it was three in the morning and I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about her. We stopped being lovers a long time ago, she’d become more than that, she’d become my friend. The last time I talked to her she was up stressing and praying, I could hear it in her voice without her saying a word about it to me. She was trying to protect me more than lie to me, she knew in her heart if he ever hurt her I would hurt him.

I had no idea what her attraction to him was and I’d stop asking a long time ago, it wasn’t my place to judge. I’d loved and chased after my fair share of women that didn’t deserve me and I’d also been on the other end of the stick. Treating women like shit that deserved so much better, in most stories people want to play the victim but we’ve all been villains at one point or another. God knows I’ve played that role more times than I could count.

In a pair of pajama pants, no t-shirt, no socks, red eyes and a cup of hot chocolate in my hands I paced back and forth… My cell phone sitting on the table, my Bose playing softly throughout the living room, I wanted her to call me back, I needed her to call me back. I had to make sure she was okay. It was hard because I never knew the full story when it came to her and him, all I knew was that he didn’t deserve her.

My life wasn’t very complicated, I didn’t have baby mama issues or family drama, I wasn’t on any drugs or chasing pussy every night. My life was pretty ordinary until she came alone, she was like a hurricane that swallowed me up and rebuilt me. At first I thought she was the worst thing that ever happened to me, she was all I thought about day and night, when we made love I swear I was seeing stars and shit. And then we were no longer that couple, hell, I don’t know if we were ever a couple but that was cool because through it all she was always honest with me about where we stood with each other.

And I loved her for that… I still love her because of that.

We were kindred spirits, both hopeless romantics, she loved to read and I loved to write. We both knew way to many designers we couldn’t afford, she wanted to make love on yachts in the French Rivera I wanted to make love on top of Penthouses over looking New York or Miami. Our ambitions and materialistic natures drew us into each other. When we met I was broken, alone and missing something, someone. She was probably the same way but I can’t speak for her, I just knew it was a natural chemistry.

Those days of us lying in bed holding each other and discussing the future seemed like a lifetime ago, we still talked everyday but the conversation was rarely sexual anymore. It was about life and love and our careers, our families and the day to day shit we all went thru.

I saw my phone lighting up on the table; her face came on the screen… I grabbed it and answered.

“Hello!” I tried to keep the anxiety out of my voice, tried to keep it level.

“Hey babe,” at two thirty in the morning with the weight of the world on her shoulders she calm and sexy as always.

“What’s up Nic… Why are you running around with that boy at this time of the morning?”

“We were out clubbing; he’s in his car seat knocked out anyway, when he was a newborn. This was the only way I could get him to stop crying some nights. I would load him up and just drive the loop, he’s still mommy’s baby.”

“He’s only like fourteen months girl and you aren’t answering my question, why are you and Josh out this time of night?” I could hear her sigh, I knew she would never tell me the whole story, sometimes I wished I could read her mind.

“I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time, it’s just a lot going on in this mind of mine. I’m headed to my mom’s, I just feel comfortable, at ease when I’m around her. I’m going to be dead tired in the morning.”

“Why aren’t you happy?” I didn’t want to feel what I did for her because when she hurt, I hurt. And I knew she wasn’t happy, I could see it like she could see when something was bothering me.

“It’s just a long story… It’s not even something I can explain like that, I had this image of my life, this way I expected things to go.” Her voice never changed, that was one of the things I marveled at about her. She could be hurting something serious and it would never sound like she had more than a cold.

“I understand completely, life isn’t perfect though, God alters plans.”

“It’s amazing, when you first meet someone the love is pure, the actions and reactions come so natural. And over time either the person changes or the real them comes out; I know you love me, I’m not blind and I love that you can be my friend without judging me. That’s more important to me than you know.”

“It’s not my place to tell you what you should do, I just need you to know that he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I know babe… I know…. Sometimes I wish we could have met in a different time, a different life, you’re going to be a great father, a great husband.”

“I don’t deal in fantasies, I met you in this life in this world and I don’t regret that. You’re a strong woman, I know you can deal with a lot but the thing is… You shouldn’t have to.”

“Life isn’t fair… I’m a though cookie.”

“It’s cool to let someone take care of you, to let them be there for you. You’re too beautiful of a person to carry those burdens alone.”

“My burdens are my on my cross to bear; I have my reasons babe and maybe they only make sense to me but they’re my reasons. I know you care, I know you love me but I have to do this my way.”

I took the phone away from my ear and rubbed my eyes, my love for her was my cross to bear.

“Okay, I’ve made it to my mom’s house, thanks for staying on the phone with me. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Alright, get some sleep.”

“I will.”

She hung up; it killed me to know there was nothing I could do to help her. Sometimes you had to let someone go if you really loved them. I would let her handle her issues her own way, she was a good person and God wouldn’t forsake her.

He wouldn’t…

Placing my phone on the table, grabbing the remote and muting the Marsha Ambrosius I wiped my eyes and fell to the floor on my knees. I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes,

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know I don’t come to you as much as I should and you know my heart… I’m not coming to you this morning for myself; you’ve blessed me more than I could ever ask. I’m here on this day to ask that you give my friend clarity and guidance, that you protect her and bring her happiness. That you give her the life she deserves! You know the love I have in my heart but I would happily give her up if that means she’ll have a genuine smile. I know you’re a powerful God, a jealous God… but more than that you’re a merciful God!!! And I need you to have mercy on her! I need you to lift her spirits and allow her to be the woman we both know she’s destined to be. I’m sure billions of people pray to you every day and night asking you for riches, cures to cancer, peace of mind… I don’t want any of that for myself, I’ll sacrifice whatever you need me to; just give her the life she deserves. I know I’m in no position to make deals with a man of your caliber but if you do this I’ll spend my life honoring you. I’ll spend my life being a better man…

If you give her happiness, I’ll let her go. You say put no man before you, I’ve put her before you in my heart and I know that’s wrong. Give her happiness and I’ll sacrifice my own… In your darling son Jesus’s name.

Amen

I stood up, cut my music back on, traded in my hot chocolate for Hennessy and Orange Juice and sent my job an e-mail saying I wouldn’t be in till noon. Life isn’t perfect but we have to make the best our of our situations. Everything would work out for us because God wouldn’t have it any other way.