“I’m Not Your Ex, I’m Not Your Father, I’m Me” Words Every Woman Should Hear and Feel

People are the sum of their experiences.

Let me say that again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

How can a man expect a woman to have faith in him if every man before him has let her down? Not specifically dating but in life. Imagine being a little girl and your father breaks your heart by not being there, making promises he didn’t keep. Imagine having brothers that you love to death and they didn’t protect you, used women, lied. These are her experiences with men and this is all before she even starts to date.

Women love on a level that men rarely do.

Women love on a level that’s selfless, there’s very few conditions past being loyal and nice. So think about it, you’re this woman that’s trying her best to be a good girlfriend or wife and what happens; your trust is broken.

So we’re talking men she’s grown up with letting her down and men she’s dated letting her down. I haven’t even touched on the guy friends. The ones that pretend they want friendship or the best for her and then when she gets a man or goes on a date he flips. Decides to bare his soul and hate her because she should have known he was in love.

So let me say it again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

That brings me to my original point, how does a man expect a woman to have blind faith in him when all she’s ever known is disappointment from men?

You can’t. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may feel as though she doesn’t know you. But the simple truth is, you’re going to have to show her. You’re going to have to keep being the man she wants but isn’t expecting. You can’t let pride get in the way.

If every guy she’s ever trusted has ran, not kept his word, she’s protecting herself. If her friends and family have experienced the same thing, she’s protecting herself. She’s thinking about what they’ve been through and what’s she’s been through. Maybe she sees something in you that scares her, that reminds her of men in her past.

Ease her mind, her fears, be the guy that shows her rather than argues with her.DSC_0341(1)@authordwhite on all social media platforms.

It’s A Good Day To Start Living Your Best Life

You’re unique.

Perfect in your own way.
There is no reason you shouldn’t be comfortable in your skin because God brought you to this moment, this place, this time for a purpose. All of the heartbreak, the disappointment, the moments where you wanted to slap someone or scream in the middle of a workday. That’s okay because that simply shows how strong your spirit is!

There are a lot of people that didn’t make it home last night, a lot of people that didn’t wake up this morning. Men diagnosed with cancer, women that lost babies in the second trimester. But If you’re up and reading this you made it another day.

So make today count! Make it count in your own way! You don’t owe it to anyone to be great, to be special, to be happy but yourself! Life will never be easy and I’m sure I’ve written that before, life isn’t meant to be easy!

I’m not the first man to say this and I won’t be the last but ‘We Are Not Meant To Be Alone!’

We aren’t meant to be sad.

This isn’t a morning note about religion or inspiration, this is a morning note about LIVING! About SMILING! About realizing that  everything may not be great but it’s better than most and for that we can be grateful!

Someone out there loves you, someone prays for you and wishes that they could have your strength! Someone out there wants to be your protection, sanity and bestfriend. Someone out there is waiting for you to apply for that job that doesn’t make your skin crawl when you go to work in the morning!

Believe what you want will happen because what you want and what you need walk hand in hand.

I believe what you want will happen if you’re willing to put in the work to get it! Nothing worth having is going to come easy, prayer is necessary, talking to friends and family to ease your mind is necessary! But more than all that, working hard and not quitting is what will get you there!

There’s no magic formula, be true to yourself and those that hold you down and watch good things happen!

Good Morning and smile today because God didn’t give you another day to be sad

Trying To Get Back to Normal

20140803-095704.jpgThe attraction was still there, it was obvious. Every time she smiled he couldn’t help but smile, whenever she’d look away he’d look at her neck or chest and the memories would come flooding back to the nights they shared.

Those nights seemed like a lifetime ago now. Their friendship was one most people envied, he could talk to her about anything and she never judged him. She was so comfortable around him most of the men she dated she knew something had to be going on.

For seven years she slept in his bed, took trips with him, helped him by suits or gave him advice on women. For seven years they were best friends and not one time did they come close until crossing that line until they did. Her father was sick and wasn’t going to make it through the night, he’d just broken off an engagement. That night he looked at her differently, he saw what every man before him had seen.

That night their friendship became more and their bodies thanked them for it but their chemistry changed. She wasn’t sure how to act like a girlfriend around him. He wasn’t sure if she loved him or the idea of him. They fought more in a month then they’d fought in seven years. It didn’t take long for both of them to realize this wasn’t going to work. How could they go back though?

Could he just forget how she felt, forget that the potential of having his best friend as his woman almost came to life? Could she go back to being comfortable in his bed, on his couch, telling him secrets she’d never told anyone before? No matter how much she tried to ignore it, she saw the longing in his eyes, the way he looked at her.

He wanted what she couldn’t give him and that hurt her. Knowing she was breaking his heart. He would do whatever she wanted. If she wanted a lover, a boyfriend, a husband, he would go that route. If she wanted her friend back, he would do that to but it just couldn’t be the same.

Their conversations flowed, they always laughed, she’d tell him about bad dates. He’d tell her about bad sex he’d had. Nothing was off limits, now they both found themselves hiding things, trying to protect the other. A part of her wanted to believe that in time they could go back to where they were but in her heart she knew things would never be the same. She just owed it to both of them to try.

3 Years Ago Today

baby angel Three years ago today she told me she was pregnant. A part of me knew she was lying but another part of me wanted it to be true, needed it to be true. I’m a man that fully expects to not have my first child until I’m married but there’s a cost for unprotected pleasures. If I had to pay that cost I was more than willing.

That night I didn’t feel fear or regret or anxiety. I wasn’t upset or excited or numb. All I felt was love, love for someone that would need me, love for a child that was probably no bigger than a mustard seed. It wasn’t a perfect situation but God doesn’t make mistakes right?

I knew in my heart she didn’t want to have my child. I knew it wasn’t a part of her plans the same way it wasn’t a part of mines but I was willing to do whatever it took. She wasn’t, she didn’t want to keep it and no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, I couldn’t.

Driving home, her blowing my phone up, I pulled over and cried. I cried like I’ve never cried before for a life I would never know. That’s the downside to being creative you know, to having this imagination that’s explosive. I see things simply by thinking about them.

That night was the first night I experienced hate. How could I not hate a person that wasn’t willing to accept life? Today she/he would have been close to three. When it’s quiet and I feel alone I wonder what that child would be like, I wonder if he’d look like me or her. Would it be a little girl that always talking back or laughing?

Women say that men have no rights when it comes to what happens to a fetus, “Stop trying to regulate our vaginas!” I suppose I understand that but how can you not understand what it’s like to know a woman is going to erase someone that could have been your world? When a man feels a woman’s stomach, when he’s reading to her or singing or playing music that baby knows he’s there.

Three years ago today I felt as alone as I do today.

Three years ago today made me realize I may never trust a woman again.

It’s my fault. I should have been able to talk her out of what she did. I should have been in a better position to persuade her to keep that child. I wasn’t and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about three years ago today.

~ Demez F. White

A Letter to My Father

Dear Father,

A man isn’t a father because he gets a woman pregnant; he isn’t a father because he gives the child his last name. You have to earn the right to be called a father and you never earned that right, to be honest I don’t think you ever wanted it. When I was younger there were nights I would sit up and wonder if I would ever get to know you.

Even as an adult there are times where I imagine us having a beer and talking. Me learning about who you are, what made you the way you are? Maybe developing a friendship to make up for the father son relationship we never had. Then I think about who I am and who you are and I realize I’ve learned so much more by not having you in my life then I ever could by talking to you. Everything you’re not makes me everything I am.

I value my reputation. I work hard and I’m well spoken and dependable because I don’t ever want to be compared to you. When I’m drinking and I’m afraid I might be having one too many I think about you and I stop. When there’s a woman that looks amazing and all I want is her but I know I don’t need her, I stop.

I have 13, 14 brothers and sisters out there that I’ll probably never know because you couldn’t simply introduce us. Not pay child support or take us to the park but just introduce us? How hard would that have been? What type of man couldn’t do that for the children he brought into this world?

Do you know I wreck every relationship I have because I’m not ever sure if I have it in me to be a good father? I worry that I have your DNA inside of me. I worry that I’ll be too much like you and end up ruining some child’s life. I wish this was bullshit but it’s true, I have all these great qualities, all this love to give and every time I get close to someone I fall back because I don’t want to disappoint them like you’ve disappointed me. What if that’s genetic?

I’ll never hate you because you helped my mother give me life but I can never love you. I can never respect you or feel sympathy for you. All I can do is watch you exist, watch you kill yourself slowly. I’m 31 and I’ve never actually had a real conversation with you. I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a room with you while you were sober.

One day I’ll overcome these demons I have. I won’t let the blood of yours that’s in me allow me to be anything like you. I’m educated, I’ve never spent a night in prison, an hour. As I type this I’m at work running construction projects. I’m a published author. There isn’t a child on this earth that can say I’m his or her father because I wouldn’t do that to a child or a woman. I’ll be a great husband and I’m becoming a great man all because of what you taught me not to do. One day I’ll find someone and fall in love and my children will never know you exist. When you die, your legacy will die.

I said earlier I feel nothing for you but the truth is I feel sorry for you because you had an opportunity to be so much more and instead you settled for being nothing.

Sincerely Yours,

Your Son… Demez
me

The Divorced Woman and the Single Man… An Adult Conversation

imagesCAWYOAZS
By: Sapphire and Demez

Her Words

“I saw the pieces of my marriage falling apart 2 years ago and as much as I’d like to think I could’ve prevented it; the truth of the matter is that it would’ve always ended this way.”

When I first started writing this I searched incessantly for definitions, synonyms, phrases or anecdotes but came to the conclusion that there seems to be a lack of vocabulary or feelings that can properly and intelligently describe that monumental “AHA” moment in your life when you realize that your world as you knew it, as you planned and hoped it would be is not only over but now you must find a way to save face, to repair mental, physical and intellectual self and learn to live and possibly love again.

His Words

Women are the ones that are supposed to worry about their biological clock. Women are the ones that are supposed to worry about how much weight their gaining or whether or not they’ll get a call back. That’s what you tell yourself when you’re a single man, when you hit 30 and every woman you date seems to fall by the wayside. When things start out so perfectly but even in those perfect moments you know something will go wrong. It scares you, it shakes you to your core. Is it me? Is it society? Do I not make enough money? Am I not attractive? You question things that you’ve never questioned before.

Her Words

Hindsight is a baldheaded blonde bitch I swear, but If I’m brutally honest with myself I knew the end was near, but no matter how much I mentally prepared myself, none of it could’ve braced me for the severity of the devastation that was done to my heart. I felt as if I betrayed myself by allowing my heart to dictate what path would be our source of happiness because the “signs” were all there but I accepted them in faith that our togetherness would outweigh our lack. I don’t love easily at all and I can count on my fingers how many guys I’ve been ecstatic about or developed any emotional connection with at all, so for me to even be in this position to experience this pivotal moment, crucified me to my core.

I could calculate the month, day, time and hour when I stopped being truly happy and it was eating away at me; I had the medication and an ulcer to prove it. I drank and submerged my feelings to the brink of impossibility and yet I could feel myself mentally unraveling. I hated the person I’d become; this yelling, arguing, uncontrolled maniac who couldn’t find a way to give two fucks because I’d given everything that was in me. I was empty and depleted beyond measure and no amount of anything seemed to fill the void inside me. It’s only in this tour of my fall from grace can I explain why being happy is my only choice.

His Words

The dates start to run together, you forget the names of women you kissed. Remember the exact moments you knew she wouldn’t call you back or you wouldn’t call her back. Sleep becomes a memory because how do you sleep when you’re always sleeping alone? Ambien and Tylenol PM become crutches. Hennessy and wine become bedmates. I spend more time in my mind than I do in reality. You log on Facebook and see men that were the biggest players in the world getting engaged and having babies. You see women that you used to talk to every morning and every night happy and in love. Happiness becomes something you just used to know.

I can remember the month, day, time and hour when I stopped being happy and started hoping. I can remember the month, day, time and hour when that hope turned to fear. When that fear turned to emptiness. I want to be happy, I want to be one of those people that are single and living the life but the void… The void becomes a black hole I feel like no one can understand. She said she loved him and not me, that’s what she told me. That killed a bit of me. She said that she could carry his child and not mines because she knew with him she’d always have security. Knowing that broke me. How do you find happiness when you feel broken?

Her Words

I won’t lie and say that I ached for a man, for his time and comfort but I damn sure want every minute and moment of it. Thumbing through my list of exes is never an option and the sheer idea of dating unnerves me especially with my severely bruised ego. I enjoy meeting new people but it seems as if most are so eager for their next orgasm that they don’t realize that most mind shattering moments come from having a real connection. That’s what I miss most. I miss smelling “his” scent all over me. I miss those wet sloppy kisses for no reason; having someone to be goofy with and knowing that they see me for all that I am and aspire to be.

I miss being held and touched in ways that only “he” knows because “he” discovered them and most of all I miss “his” weight. I relish the thought of “him” lying next to me and finally knowing what it means to be truly happy but until then I’ll accept truly satisfied for the moment. I do miss having a permanent “him” in my life but I take solace in knowing that my happy ever after hasn’t come to an end because one chapter of my life is over. If what they say is true, if you really do attract what’s inside of you, then I can’t wait to see what manifests because I’m happier than I‘ve been in a very, very long time and I realized that doesn’t mean that my world wasn’t affected; it means that I’m truly ready to start healing and taking care of me.

His Words

The smell of a woman’s skin when she’s first out the shower, that scent lives with me. It’s a mix of heat and sweetness and wetness that invades every sense I have. Watching her sit on the bed and rub lotion on her ankles, thighs, arms, and chest. Watching her inhale and exhale. I miss slowly pulling the towel away and rubbing my nose along her navel, her inner thighs. I miss the heat that comes from what’s between her legs. I’ve had sex, I’ve fucked women but I miss making love. There isn’t much that can compare to being inside of a woman you love and not caring if she gets pregnant. Not caring if she’s sick or tired or hurt because you know you’re going to be there regardless.

I miss sitting at my computer writing and having her come sit o my lap or hug me from behind. That look on her face when she bites her lip and sits on my weight. Getting her rhythm and moving like she’s a jockey trying to win the Kentucky Derby. There’s these moments where the memories feel so real and reality seems like it’s worlds away. In those moments I could have given up, I could have settled but instead all I wanted was more. All I want is more. My happiness will come, I will find the person that will help me find my happiness.

People Always Dissapoint… One Way or the Other

228263_581014860585_118401058_31484293_5420516_nPeople think they can just do what they want to do to you in this life and there won’t be consequences to their actions. You can’t just tell someone you like them or you’re into them and then just go away like they never existed! What are we?! Fucking animals?! You spend your life talking about love and values and passion and the truth is most of the world is going to hell anyway!

How many women actually believe in marriage or honor or love… You know what they believe in, finding the biggest asshole they can find and investing in feeling sorry for themselves when he fucks them over!

Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me, I literally feel like I did something to disappoint him because there are nights where I just. I just can’t do it anymore man. Sitting at this house alone, knowing a hundred people but feeling like you don’t really know anyone.

You know what that feels like?! To come home day after day and never have anyone call and ask how your day went or want to see you. The only fucking time people want to hang out is when they want to drink or flirt or whatever!

Being alone isn’t good for me. I haven’t slept thru a night in a year, I haven’t went a night without having to drink just to stop these fucking nightmares for longer than that! I’m not a bad fucking person put people treat me like I’m just a failure, like I’m dispensable or some shit!

The things I write about, I’m getting to the point to where I don’t believe in them anymore.

I’ve forgotten what it was like to be happy, to have a real friend or a real girlfriend or just anything real.

I can’t deal with people constantly giving up on me, I just can’t. Not anymore.

I want to be a better person, to be a better man. But at this point in my life I don’t know if that’s possible anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I expect people to be dissapointments, where I expect them to not live up to expectations. What kind of life is that? Knowing that everyone that smiles in your face and talks to you like they care are only temporary.

Fuck it.

Bleach and Fire!

imagesCAPJJTL9Thank God for credit alerts. Sitting in my office at work, my BlackBerry lighting up every five minutes I thought someone had stolen my credit card. Two thousand dollars on luggage, a plane ticket to Cozumel, seven hundred dollars at Victoria’s Secret. My first instinct was to call my credit card company and cancel the transactions but then it hit me that they couldn’t have gotten a plane ticket without their driver’s license or a passport.

Calling the airport, hearing the name of the person that purchased the one roundtrip ticket I sent out an email saying I’d be gone for the rest of the day and rushed into the parking garage. Driving seventy miles an hour in pouring rain running off three hours of sleep I didn’t know what this was about but I knew it wasn’t like her to act spontaneously. She was a thinker, an academic; she was maybe the most logical woman I knew.

Taking a credit card I gave her for emergencies and charging five thousand dollars worth of stuff and leaving town in the middle of a work month wasn’t her.

Pulling onto our street, double parking in front of our brownstone I tried my best to control my anger and my questions. A surprise vacation, a sick family member but no matter what I came up with none of it made sense? She was from Houston, all her family was either here or in Nigeria. She wouldn’t plan a vacation using my money or hers without me so what the hell was this about?!

Walking inside our home the strong smell of bleach and smoke hit me immediately! Even with the rain and cold the patio doors were open and there was a fire in the fire pit.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” My heart dropped to my stomach and for the first time since I could remember I cried. My watches, suits, ties, original manuscripts, my customized laptop, they were all burning and what wasn’t burning was sitting in the lounge chairs covered in bleach. My two dogs weren’t barking, they weren’t doing anything… “Where are my dogs!?”

Picking myself up off the ground, following the music to the bedroom she was in the closet picking out clothes and shoes like it was a Sunday before church. Leaning against the door, trying not to run and grab her neck I just watched her humming and smiling.

“Bitch! Are you crazy? Why would you do that? Why would you destroy my manuscripts?! My laptop?! My watches and pictures of my family!? My writing!!!” She took a handful of things out the closet and placed them in the suitcases she’s just bought with my money! My money!

“Do you remember who you were before me? Do you remember where you lived or where you worked? Do you remember coming to Dallas and begging me to come back to Houston? Asking me to leave a job I loved, friends, a home I made because you “loved” me. Because we could be “great” together. I took you from a college dropout to a degree. From a bullshit job to a career. I TOOK YOU FROM WRITING FOR FUN TO WRITING ON THE COAST OF FUCKING CANNES! Why did I destroy your shit, those clothes and watches and shoes you wear like a badge of honor for those groupie bitches you don’t think I know about! Why did I burn your awards and manuscripts and laptop you treat better than most people?! Why did I give those MUTS you love like children to some Mexicans that had an add on Craigslist?! I did it because you’re a fucking disappointment, because I’ve spent the last year pretending you’d stop flirting and going to lunches and happy hours and taking your little weekend “writing” trips! Went to the doctor today… I’m two months pregnant. I wanted to tell you, thought maybe it would change you. I saw Lacristy there, she told me he was yours, he looked just like you. You thought you could hide a fucking child! I’m just starting with you, when I’m finished you won’t have shit nor will this bastard inside of me have a father! Bleach and fire! Bleach and fire! You think I destroyed those material things you love?! Wait until I get started on destroying the life you love. You’ll regret the day you ever met me!”

The biggest medical city in the country, how in the hell did they run into each other. I guess I’d told the lie to myself for so long that I just figured she’d never find out. How could she…

Seeing the look in her eyes, the gun lying on the pillow next to the suitcase, I couldn’t stop shaking. My rage told me to choke the life out of her but common sense told me that if I launched for her she would take my life.

“Let me explain.”

Fatherless Sons…

imagesCALO9ZIKI often wonder if I would be a better man had I had my father in my life. Would I be more evenly keeled emotionally and spiritually? Would I be able to hug my grandfather when I see him in the hospital? No matter what substitute a mother can come up with, no matter how many aunts and uncles and stepfathers… There’s really no equal to the love and admiration a son wants to have for his father. The man you share DNA with, the man that helped create you regardless of the situation.

You know what terrifies me? As much as I try to be the exact opposite of him, I see so much of him in myself. How do you rectify that? How do I fight what’s in my blood, what’s in my genetic makeup? How do I stop drinking or stop pushing people away when they get too close? Do you know how many hearts I probably broke in 2012? How many women were disappointed because I wasn’t there enough or didn’t call back after a date?

The easiest thing in the world to me is making a woman smile and putting words together. There are times where I feel like that’s what God put on this earth for but there’s a catch to that. When you’re given great talents often times they come with great responsibilities. I write about sex and emotion and passion. There are times when I feel like I should be writing about injustice and freedom and love. You know how cool it would be to pick up the phone and ask my father what he thinks I should do? To tell him I met a woman and I really like her but I fucked up. To tell him that my grandfather is sick and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Boys become men and men still have questions…

What if I have a son and I’m like him? What if I become what I hate? You know how many nights I sit up at night and think about that? How many women I’ve discarded because I felt like their lives would be better with men that could give them their all.

I’d never kill myself, I love life too much. But there are moments when I go way to hard for way too long knowing that I might not make it. I’m smiling as I think about those moments because who else was it but God that saved me from myself?

In the barbershop the other day my brother told me that my father wanted my phone number. He didn’t give it to him because he knows me, he knows that I’m not a very forgiving person, I’m sort of heartless at times. Other men our age were listening to our conversation talking about how they forgave their fathers for not being there. They talked about being the bigger man and forgiving them because maybe our fathers didn’t know how to be men. How to raise sons… I listened to them, to the sincerity in their voices and you know what I thought? I thought they were weak for forgiving. I thought our fathers don’t deserve redemption. And as I sit here alone and on the verge of being drunk for the night… Maybe I’m the one that they should pity. Because a man that can’t forgive is a man that will never be capable of loving.

Not Going Anywhere…

“Where were you?!”

“I called you four times and left three messages?!”

“I sent at least ten text?!”

“If you don’t want to be here you don’t have to be here! Just let me know! Please just let me know!”

She wasn’t yelling but she wasn’t calm. If there was a place in the middle she would be right there. Too pissed to play if off but too angry to pretend like it didn’t matter, like she didn’t care. I could look at her red and puffy eyes and know she’d been crying, I could look at the two neatly packed duffle bags and hanging bag sitting on the arm of the couch and know she’d packed my clothes.

Even though this was my house, she’d packed my things.

“You do know this is my house and you packed my bags?”

She folded her arms and exhaled.

“I’m here way more than you are anyway and the bags are packed just in case you need to go stay at a hotel for a week while I get my things together and find somewhere bigger. Because if I go the boys are coming with me and my apartment doesn’t allow pets. But please don’t act like you haven’t been ignoring me. Do you want to be here or not?”

Her arrogance was amazing.

By here she wasn’t talking about this house, she was talking about with her. It’d been less than a year but I can’t imagine I’d ever been closer to a woman than I was her. She hated yelling, fighting, arguing on any level so when things got heated between us I left. Because I wasn’t the type to hold my tongue.

I fingered the bracelet on my left wrist; she held the same exact one on her right wrist.

“You’re still wearing it.”

“I’m not the one that left so why would I take mine off?”

“You know why I left.”

“I know that I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one fighting for us! I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one going crazy!!!”

She screamed, for the first time since I met her she screamed. Pushing a lamp off the table and running towards me she started swinging! The punches were wild and not very hard so I side stepped her and pulled her to my chest. She fought and pushed, even tried to bite me but I just held on and clutched her tighter.

The dogs were outside in the backyard going crazy, barking and growling and scratching at the backdoor. I guess hearing her scream was tearing at all three of us.

“Stop making me feel like I’m crazy, please! You’re fucking with my head and one minute I mean the world to you, the next you’re ignoring me?! I’ve never been this open with anyone and I hate being vulnerable.”

My phone was in my suit pocket, I’d cut it off when I left a couple hours ago. My first thought was to find a bar and drink until I could no longer see the disappointment in her face. My second thought was to call a woman, any woman and let her make me forget but I ignored both those and found a bookstore. I grabbed the book with the most interesting cover and lost myself in words until… Until I thought about what my life was like before her.

“I love you but sometimes I feel like you deserve better than me, better than this.” The dogs were still going crazy outside but inside you could hear a pin drop.

“I deserve better than what?! Than what?! Stop acting like I don’t want to be here when I’m here more than you! I call you! I text you! Look at my eyes, feel my heart! I’m losing my mind and you cut off your phone! You act like you’re playing video games or standing on a corner all day. Don’t use your insecurities as an excuse to push me away… Because I won’t let you. You don’t live in the hood, you live in the country, there’s a difference!”

Her small hands were holding my face, as much as I didn’t want to, to be weak in front of her I fell to my knees and held her waist. Crying harder than I’d ever cried before, her stroking my hair and telling me it would be alright. The frustrations with my writing, the frustrations with my job all boiling over. I was taking it out on her when it wasn’t her that was the problem.

“You don’t have to hide anything from me or worry about me going anywhere. Do you understand that?! Do you!? I’m here regardless of whatever and anyone that messes with you will have to deal with me!”

Even in the middle of my tears all I could do was laugh, she was a hundred thirty lbs soaking wet and even with all the curves she had there was no way she was fighting anyone.

“Don’t laugh at me, I have my sons out there that will help me out if I have to fight.” She fell to the ground with me and rubbed the tears from my face with her thumbs. No matter how many times she came over and how much stuff she left over she was always in one of my shirts.

“I paid a thousand dollars apiece for them and raised them from puppies and their going crazy because you’re the one that screamed? I should have them neutered.”

“Hey boo, when you’re out pushing those books who do you think is walking them, feeding them and teaching them yoga? And you’re not having them snipped!”

And just like that the storm was over, just like that the tension that could be cut with a knife two minutes ago was gone. In less than twenty four hours I’d lost out on a promotion I’d been promised and was turned down by one of the largest publishers in the country because my writing wasn’t ‘diverse enough.’ I saw myself taking her to Milan, Australia, Cannes but instead we were right here. And that killed me inside, not being able to give her that life, to give her the ring I wanted to.

“I don’t need a ring right now, I don’t need a judge or Vera Wang or 480 witnesses drinking our champagne and eating our food. As long as you’re wearing your bracelet and I’m wearing mine, as long as I wake up every morning knowing you’ll never hurt me or let anyone hurt me. As long as you accept everything I’m giving you and trust that I need you just as much as you need me that’s all we need right now. Te amo. Te amo. Te amo.”

“I love you too kid.”

“I need to go check on my boys, you shouldn’t come, they’ll bite you.” She laughed but we both knew she was serious. They were way more protective of her than I was. I walked to the kitchen and looked out the window at her rubbing their bellies and ears. The way they stopped being vicious and started being babies around her. I guess this really was her house now.

I took off my jacket and poured myself a drink. She came in and washed her hands, unbuttoned my shirt and let it fall to the floor. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. She didn’t need sex right now and neither did I. We just needed each other. I took her hand and led her to the couch, I got undressed and laid down, her on top of me, straddling me. Her head on my chest we just laid there…

Knowing neither one of us was going anywhere.