Doubts As A Writer; Insecurities As A Man

IMG_0701It’s not realistic to me sometimes that I’m going to be anywhere near who are what I want to be. To some this might be perceived as a lack of self-confidence or confidence in my writing or abilities but to be it’s just the hand I’ve been dealt when it comes to my mental and emotional makeup. This one quote sticks in my mind constantly since I’ve heard it. “Almost every writer as one book in them, almost no one has two books.” I get asked at least once a week where the sequel is to my first novel. It’s been almost 4 years now. There’s always a reasonable excuse but the truth is every version I write just doesn’t feel good enough.

For a man like me that’s incredibly confident in most things I do, it’s almost impossible to explain what it’s like to be hesitant about something that I know I’m great at. If Tom Brady was born to throw a football and Kobe was born to shoot a basketball and Shakespeare was born to write plays, I was born to write novels. So why is it that I have this weight of the world type fear in my heart when it comes to something that I love to do so much?

I wrote my first novel when I was in the 11th grade. It was front and back on a 70 page notebook tablet. I’d broken up with my girlfriend and used her and her friends and myself and my friends as characters. Because this was in the age before social media and blogs the way it got read was that it got passed around from person to person. People trying to figure out which character was which and what was reality and what I’d made up in my mind. It was at that moment, at that juncture in my life that I knew I could write. That I knew this wasn’t going to be a hobby for me. So now 14 years removed from that moment I feel as though my spirit is breaking at the thought that I won’t fulfill my destiny.

Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m incapable of ever truly opening up to someone. Incapable of ever loving someone in a way that will allow me to be vulnerable. Saying things like, “I miss you” or “I love you” or “I need you” have always been easier to put in a letter or write in a book then they have been to say out loud. When you find yourself not able to open up to someone on any level, what happens is all of that “stuff” in your head manifest itself into self-doubt, self-loathing, the inability to accept the shoulder or hand someone that cares about you is offering you. That inability is what makes me the writer I am but that inability is what makes me the writer I’m not.

In the dawn of the morning all I want some days is for her to hug me and tell me that I am everything I believe I am. No real drawn out conversations, no pretty words. Just my head on her stomach and her looking down on me with those eyes that say I need you and I believe in you. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that, not if I’m being honest. I’ve had people say those things to me and say those pretty words but that moment when I know that they believe in me just as much as I believe in me. That’s priceless.

These are just the ramblings of a writer in the morning hours of a Saturday. Letting whoever reads this know that you are not alone if you feel those doubts, if you feel alone.

Demez F. White

Past the Infatuation Stage

better“I love you.”

He said again, this time louder, maybe he thought I didn’t hear him the first time. If I looked up from my phone my eyes would betray me but he didn’t give me a choice snatching the phone out of my hand and throwing it on the couch.

“I said I love you.” The closer he stepped to me the further back I moved. What we had wasn’t supposed to be love. Love is messy and jealous and insecure and mean. I had love before, I cried because of love, fought because of love. I needed a break from love.

“You don’t love me Scott, you’re infatuated with me. We flirt, we text, I send you nudes and you write about me. Starbucks and iTunes and candy and material shit that’s nonbinding. What we have is fun and sexy and we don’t have to think about it, we just do it. Why bring love into that?! Love always messes shit up! Can’t we just stay in this infatuation stage?”

“Maybe we could stay in this stage if you weren’t so damn perfect! You call me even when I don’t call you just because you know I’ll answer the phone. You accept my randomness and I accept your quirks. You don’t think I notice how you pull away when the conversations turn serious or bite your lip when to fight screaming when it feels to good. I know you’re holding back but what choice do I have? Keep pretending I’m not falling in love with you… I can’t do that anymore.”

There was no hesitation in his voice. No doubt in his eyes. What scared me the most is that I felt the same way but if love never looked out for me before then why would the bitch look out for me now?

To Be Continued…

Faith Derives from Doubt… Happiness Grow out of Fear

432174_307850075941522_365267370_nThere isn’t one time that I’ve sit down to write and haven’t been afraid, had doubts. Is it good enough, am I good enough, will people read it? There isn’t a day that I don’t wonder if my faith has let me down, there have been days where I lost faith. In those moments of self doubt and fear I was ashamed but I didn’t let that insecurity break me because I knew that for every inch of faith I lost I would gain a mile back with hard work and making myself a better man. My happy hasn’t come full circle yet but I have no doubt it will because I’m setting myself up for that. Faith without works is like a car without gasoline.

Anyone can look you in the eyes and tell you they have never been afraid, scared, either they’re lying or they’ve never really loved anything or anyone. Faith is having a belief in a dream, an idea that’s unproven, unfounded, unseen but you just know. You feel it in your heart that everything will be alright no matter how afraid you get. It’s okay to be scared, to have doubts, to go to sleep and not be certain about what tomorrow holds. That just means you’re human and when you do succeed the pleasure of that success will be that much sweeter. There aren’t better joys in the world than loving and being loved back, then caring and knowing they care about you. Then having faith in yourself smiling because she has just as much faith in you.

Are you afraid of failing, of not living up to your potential? You should be. Are you afraid of settling for a man or woman that you know you could never give your all to? You should be. True happiness comes from the fear of that happiness being snatched away from you! Have you ever stayed late at work when you had plans because you wanted to make a good impression? Have you ever said no to those brownies and ate grapes instead? As a man I want success and health for myself but I more so want it because I want to be happy and the doubt of not being successful scares me more than I can put into words. And it should scare you to… That fear should motivate you and motivation is a sister to happiness.