Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed; If You Want Something, Just Ask

fullsizerender2Let’s say you really want to go to a concert or sporting event and you go on Ticketmaster or House of Blues and the event is sold out? What’s the first thing you do if you really want to go? You get online and you look for tickets being sold outside the venue. Why don’t we do that in real life when dealing with real people?

I’ve noticed something, too many people have become too cool to be excited about other people’s blessings. Or maybe it’s simply selfishness. Let’s say I have a friend that’s getting married and they don’t invite me to their wedding but I really want to go. Now I’m a logical man, weddings cost money and we aren’t great friends but I really like this person and want to help celebrate their day. Instead of texting them, “You forgot my invite, lol.” Or making a Facebook post saying, “I guess everyone isn’t cool enough to come to everyone’s wedding.” Or something else that’s passive aggressive why not just call them?

We’ve become so afraid of rejection or feeling like someone may think we’re too pressed that we don’t want to be human. If I know we’re friends but I don’t make the wedding guest list what’s the matter with calling and asking if I can stop by the reception or asking if I can come to the bachelor party or engagement party? If a friend is having their child a birthday party and your child doesn’t get invited, maybe they didn’t have the money to pay for 10 kids at Chuckie Cheese, why not ask if you could pay for your child simply because you want to be there.

I’m not one of those men that pretend I’m too cool for social media. I post statuses, tweet, watch snapchat videos. They’re entertaining and it keeps me abreast of people’s lives that I probably wouldn’t know anything about otherwise. But social media has also made people weary of rejection. I saw an entire thread recently about whether or not a guy should “shoot his shot” and it took me a second to realize that simply meant, “Should a man ask a woman out on a date or for her phone number?” Think about that for a minute, the idea that a woman might say no is so terrifying that men are literally not even risking it. That’s absurd. We’ll fill out 45 job applications when we’re unemployed but if you’re lonely and want a life mate, you’re afraid to ask a woman out? Where in the world does that make sense?

All I’m saying is, rejection is going to happen in every aspect of life but at some point the risk will be worth the reward.

It’s Not Okay to Propose to Your Woman At Someone Else’s Wedding!

IMG_0141It’s Not Okay to Propose to Your Woman At Someone Else’s Wedding!

It Can’t Always Be About You

We all have that one friend that’s a one upper. Maybe they’re not your real friend but they’re a social media friend. You tell them you’re excited about Miami and they tell you, “You should see Spain!” You tell them your kid just got accepted into a college and they tell you how their kid got accepted into a better college.

One upper guy or gal doesn’t always do it because they’re jerks that lack common sense and etiquette. Sometimes they don’t have malicious intent at all; sometimes they just need the conversation to be about them.

The thing we all learn in like 1st grade though is that it can’t always be about you. There will be days where you don’t win the spelling bee and days where you aren’t the best kick ball player in the world. Adult life is sort of the same way. Every conversation doesn’t have to be about YOU. It’s okay to sit back and let someone tell you about their weekend without you telling them how much better your weekend was.

The one upper isn’t always interrupting with good news either. It can be something as simple as, “I cut my finger shaving,” and one upper will let you know how they broke their arm changing the channel with the remote. Anything to have people talk about or look at them instead of talking about or looking at you.

I had a conversation once about wedding proposals and the simple truth is people are so blinded by love that they don’t often realize what’s okay and what’s not okay. Asking your woman to get married on a beach in Spain is dope. Asking your woman to get married at a reception your boy paid 85 dollars a plate for. That’s not too cool.

Why do people think this is okay? This is the ultimate level of one upperness! I’m going to choose the most important day of your life and turn it into a joint venture? This is not okay and a fight has to come with that.

Your friend goes through a horrible breakup and is crying and heartbroken and you sit there like, “I remember when I lost my dog; girl I didn’t think I would recover but I did.” Yo, this isn’t about your dog, this is about your friend.

One upping/ scene stealing has ruined more friendships than borrowing money and shoes and spring breaks where someone forgot to pay their half on the room. It’s okay for it not to always be about you. It’s okay to listen, to be happy for someone, to not turn the day or night or conversation into your show.

Nights That Turn Into Forevers

Dear Future Wife,

I can’t take care of a woman at this point in my life. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just not in my budget. I’d love to spoil you, treat you, fly you out to every book signing. Give you the option to work or not. I need 3 years, maybe 4. We can pay bills together, save together, stress and struggle together. Give me that and I promise I’ll give you the world.

~ A Hello
~ A First Date
~ A Courtship
~ An Engagement
~ Watching You Walk Down the Aisle
~ A Daughter that Looks Like You
~ A Son that’s as Smart As Me
~ A Couple of Forevers
= Happily Ever After

Love Always and Forever,
Demez

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If You Can’t Be Their Everything: Then How About You Be Their Nothing

20140422-143306.jpg There’s a point in every dating situation where you come to your Rubicon. That point where you want more than what you and that person currently have. In some cases it’s, “I want to be a wife and you still want to play this house/girlfriend-boyfriend game.” In other cases it’s. “I want a relationship, a commitment and you still want to date/talk.” Compromise is cool, being patient is even better but at some point if someone doesn’t want you to be their everything, then they have to be your nothing.

You can’t be a man like me, a man that lives by these values that endear women to you without having had conversations in which women want more. In my younger year I’d stall them, put them off, tell them what they wanted to hear only to have them realize it was never going to happen and end up hating me. I thank God he removed me from that mindset.

There is a certain calm that comes with releasing a person from mental and emotional bondage. If you know they like you more than you like them it’s selfish to hold onto them knowing you can never give them what they want. Sure you’re content because it isn’t affecting you and in most cases you genuinely like the person but will you ever genuinely love them?

I can’t take credit for these words because I found them online somewhere but I once read, “Sometimes a man’s job is to make the woman he’s with better for the man she’ll eventually marry.” I can’t tell you how many times I read that and thought about all the women I’ve dated and loved than seemed to find true happiness once I left their lives. That didn’t mean I wasn’t a good man, it just meant I wasn’t meant to be their man. I couldn’t be their everything so I ended being their nothing and in that initial hurt they realized they deserved better and they found better. How can I not respect that?

Know your worth and if you really want something, hold out for it.

Demez F. White

Forever Isn’t Long Enough

flowers Sitting at my desk listening to Teddy Pendergrass, drinking this last bit of rum and juice seeing my forever in front of me I can’t help but to smile. I’ve sort of gotten away from writing about love and marriage and being lonely. I’ve made an effort not to write about how much I’m looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle.

I’ve stopped writing about how I’ve thought about everything from how I’ll propose to you to where we’ll make love for the first time as husband and wife. In the limo after the ceremony. In the hotel room on the floor. Will your dress be too fluffy for me to bring you to ecstasy while you have it on? Will it be different, will it feel different? I started pretending like my novel isn’t about marriage and commitment. I stopped being me because I was worrying about what people would think. Is he lonely, is he sad, did someone break his heart? I couldn’t be that guy you see, I didn’t want to be perceived like that. Why not though? What’s the matter with being the guy that wants a wife? What’s the matter with being the man that looks forward to watching you stress about flowers and bridesmaids and who’s going to move in with who?

Stairway to Heaven is playing as I’m typing and I can’t stop smiling, I can’t stop bouncing my leg and bobbing my head to the music. Maybe I’m drunk, I don’t think so, but maybe. I can see you standing in front of my desk, slow dancing, smiling, twirling and almost falling. I can see the happiness in your eyes, I can see your bare feet on the hardwood floors. “Put your hand in mine and come on this stairway to Heaven with me.” There’s no question mark because I’m not asking, I’m telling.

My entire life I’ve felt alone. Never really had a bestfriend, I didn’t get to know my brother until I was in my 20’s. My family is the coolest and most supportive people you’ll ever meet but even with them I’ve just always had a spot inside of me they couldn’t get to. A spot that I’ve always known is reserved for you, a spot that’s reserved for our love. My family is my family and that will never change! But my forever, my life, my heart, my bestfriend and lover and secret barer will be you. I’m 30 and I’ve never been completely honest with anyone in my life.

I can’t wait to sit up on nights when we can’t sleep and just talk. That’s all really. You’ll think I’m crazy but do you know I’ve never just sat up and talked with a woman all night. No sex, no falling asleep with her head on my lap. I’d like that, I want that. To just talk about old movies, old loves, our parents. I feel like I’m an orphan at times, not physically but mentally. A father that sees me and doesn’t know who I am, literally doesn’t know who I am because he’s so drunk. A mother that wasn’t ready to be a mom when she had me. I want to rub your stomach and tell you about how that made me fell. I need to listen to you talk about when you were at your lowest point so that I can never take you to that place. So that I can protect you and hate who you hate, love who you love, appreciate who protected you before me.

Forever isn’t long enough because I’ve already spent 30 years without you. You understand that right? I need you to understand that babe. I need you to get that I wouldn’t be ashamed to cry if I met you and lost you. I wouldn’t be afraid to show up and tell you that I waited for you so long that I can’t imagine life without you. That shit scares the hell out of me! Knowing that when that moment comes my life won’t be my life anymore. It excites me but scares me at the same damn time! I’m ready to be in love, to really be in “you love me like I love you love.”

It’s 1am, who’s up reading at 1am? Maybe you are, hopefully you are. Maybe you aren’t but who cares right. I’m speaking it into existence. People like my writing, people really read it and enjoy it, I take pride in that. I want you to be proud of me, I want you to motivate and inspire me. I want your naked body to be my muse. I need your skin to be my canvas, I need my tongue to be a paint brush. I like giving oral, I haven’t written that before, not as me. But I really like knowing the woman I’m with is pleased. I haven’t done it in awhile, do you know why? I realized I don’t want to be the guy that’s fucking and licking on someone that isn’t you. It’s you I want on the tip of my tongue, it’s you I want naked sitting on my desk when you’re horny. I want to put a son into you!

I’ll chill now before I say too much, before too much of who I am comes out in these words.

I Love You Until Forever Isn’t Forever…

Runaway Engagement II…

imagesCAC5JOYDI leaned against the counter in the kitchen, the envelope in my hand. She took a sip of water and tossed me the bottle. “I don’t know where your mouth has been,” is what I said. Maybe I said it to hurt her but she just smiled and raised her middle finger.

Hating her was what I wanted to do, she told me she needed time in a room full of the most important people in our lives. All the nights we talked about children and our futures and love and she needed time? No matter how much I sat up and tried to see her side of things I always came back to the same conclusion.

I just wasn’t good enough.

“Open the envelope.”

Her voice was cracking and my hands were trembling. Whatever was in this envelope was enough to break the strongest woman I’d ever met. Unfolding the paper, the single sheet, I read the words and slid to the floor. I read them again and again and again… But they stayed the same.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She fell to her knees in front of me, my arms wrapped around her, my tears soaking her t-shirt. I prayed to God that it wasn’t another man in her life. I prayed that she thought I was good enough. I told him I couldn’t live without her and if he gave me just another day with her I’d spend the rest of my life being a better man. He granted my prayers and gave me the day I asked for. The envelope was a letter from her doctor telling her that she should get her affairs in order. The cancer spread to her brain and to operate would be making her a vegetable. 3-6 months to live is what they gave her, the letter was dated 4 months ago. “How could I accept your ring knowing I can never give you the life you want? You always said you want your first wife to be your only wife. I’m dying babe and I wanted you to remember me as I am not as a shell of what I was.”

They say prayer works… I just wasn’t expecting it to work literally.

Pulling her face to mines, kissing her as if she’d just said “I do,” I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Four days without her felt like an eternity.

“Tonight we make love until we can’t anymore. After that we plan a wedding. Tomorrow night I’m making you my wife! Fuck those doctors…”

Runaway Engagement…

I couldn’t take the not knowing. The waiting by the phone, the checking to see if my text messages were read. There were even a couple of emails sandwiched in there. The days at work were longer, the nights darker. My world was at a stand still waiting on her answer.

Four days, twelve hours and fifteen minutes was how long ago I’d stood in front of our friends and family and asked her to be my wife. What should have been the happiest day of my life turned into a nightmare. Candles all around, strings playing, balloons filling the air. Down on one knee, the most expensive suit I’d ever worn in my life I asked the question… “Will you marry me?” The crowd all ready to explode, me thinking it was just a formality but what came next was not the “YES” that we all expected, “I need time to think about it.” In that moment life stood still.

The crowd stopped being excited and stared like they were watching a horrible train wreck. I saw no one else, the intensity of the moment hit me as she was looking down at me. Questions that I didn’t want to ask out loud came out of my mouth anyway.

“Is there someone else?”

“Time to think?”

“Am I not good enough?”

Panic turned to anger and anger turned to hurt.

I’ll give her credit, her tears fell but she didn’t run or get offended by my questions. She took my hand and turned to the crowd. “Enjoy the food, the drinks, the music, this is a personal matter and we ask that you give us some space. Thank you.”

Friends looking at me with pity, my family looking at her with hate. “I just need some time,” was the last words she said to me before she got in the passenger seat of her sisters truck and left me standing outside the engagement party of a lifetime that was now just a waste of money and a blow to my pride.

Standing in the backyard, throwing a ball to my dog that she helped pick out I heard him barking before I saw her. Standing at the backdoor with an envelope in her hand she smiled at me. I took comfort in her red eyes, baseball cap and sweats. I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

“I miss you were the words she mouthed, I’m sorry were the words that came next.” Walking towards her all I could see was the envelope in her hand and what that meant.

What was in that envelope?imagesCAC5JOYD