Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others

Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others
One of the easiest things in the world is to allow the weight of expectations to leave a permanent imprint on your life. You can want so badly to do right by everyone else that you forget what makes you happy and even worse, maybe you never knew what made you happy in the first place.

For me it’s always been writing, it’s always come so natural to me that I don’t believe I appreciated it like I should have. Over the past couple years money has become the motivation and I will be the first to tell you. Every cliché quote you’ve ever heard about doing something for love vs. doing it for money is true.

When I was writing for love, writing for Facebook likes and blog likes and just wanting people to absorb my words, I could write all night. I could barely sleep because I was so excited just to wake up and put words on this computer screen. Once it became an obligation, once putting words on this computer screen became contracts and deadlines, I wasn’t so anxious to get up and write anymore.

What I had to learn, what I’m still learning is that I have to make time for the passion. I have to close the screens that I’m obligated to and open the screens I need. And if that isn’t a microcosm of life I don’t know what is.

It’s okay to take a break from your obligations and feed your soul.

I plan on doing a lot more of that in the year of 2019.

 

IMG_3740

5 Life Lessons I Learned In the Last Week of 2015

photo(1)This has been a tough week. My grandmother passing hasn’t really hit me yet, at least I don’t think it has. So, I’ll do what I do best and write. Even though it’s only Tuesday, we only have two days left in 2015 and these are the life lessons I’ve learned.

5- Life isn’t about what happens when someone is sick or dying or gone. Life is about the moments when they’re here. The moments you have an opportunity to do right by them. It’s easy to cry once their gone but it’s even easier to talk to them and make them laugh and be there for them when it’s inconvenient. Anyone can be a good grandson or husband or boyfriend on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when the Texans aren’t playing. Can you be a good person when you’ve just gotten off work, your feet hurt and you have to fight traffic? Give people their flowers while they’re living or you will regret it.

4- Character is who people are when they’re scared. You ever see the zombie movies where two people are running and one of them pushes the other down so they can get away. That’s sort of what life is. You’re either willing to be a good person and do the right thing when your heart is beating out your chest and you feel like your back is against the wall or you’re not. Sometimes being a good person won’t pay off right away but it will pay off. Karma is a living, breathing thing.

3- You should always be honest but not everyone deserves or appreciates it. Giving someone a piece of your mind or checking someone may make you feel good for a moment but we don’t always have to keep it real. Sometimes smiling and walking away hurt people so much more than yelling at them or “checking them.” It won’t feel good to bite your tongue. It won’t feel good to see someone doing wrong or going down a wrong path and knowing you can’t stop them. That’s life though, some people only learn by getting burned.

2- Build your own home before you try and help others. I see so many good natured people that give and give and give and then they look up and don’t have anything? You can’t help people if you haven’t taken the time to look out for yourself. My grandparents weren’t wealthy, my mother and father aren’t wealthy. Anything I build in this life, I will build not because of handouts or luck. I will build based off the life lessons I was taught. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither are wealth, families, friendships. You want a garage, start with a screwdriver. You want a office, start with a pen. No one is obligated to help us. We have to help ourselves.

1- Be a man that gives more than you take. I can’t take care of a woman at this point in my life. I’m okay with that but what I can do is take on a bigger burden. Maybe I don’t pay all the bills but I pay the biggest bills. Maybe I don’t always clean up but her car stays clean and I take out the trash. Have a home, don’t move in a with a woman. Go to work and if you have children, let them see you treating their mother like a woman that means the world to you.

By Fate or By Choice

pr

Last Night In Paradise

I struggle every day with being a good man.

I struggle with my demons.

The fear that I won’t be able to live to to the man so many people expect me to be. Is it a mirage, is it a figment of my imagination?

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be better than the man I see in the mirror that I wonder if it’s eating at my existence?

Am I a good man? I often want to ask people that are close to me. The people that know me intimately and personally. Have I done right by those that have loved me, depended on me? Have I done right by those that saw the best in me?

At night or in the early mornings I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I wonder if my life has been shaped by fate or by choice?

Stop Expecting Her to Accept Your Apology; Start Expecting Her to Be Happy

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

Women have more respect for you when you’re genuine and this goes for every aspect of life. Do you love her? Do you want to protect her from anyone that talks about her or wants to do wrong by her? If the answer to those questions is yes, then why be insincere? If your woman puts on a dress that’s not flattering or a pair of jeans that do nothing for her shape, why tell her what you think she wants to hear? Do you want her going out with her friends, going to work, looking a mess? Because if you look her in the eyes and say, “Baby, you look amazing!” She’s going to believe you. When she walks into that office looking like a fool, that’s on you. Just be honest, “I don’t like the way that’s fitting you, what about that purple dress?”

If you’re going to apologize to a woman you hurt; stop expecting her to accept it. Stop expecting that all will be forgiven because you now feel remorse or understand what you did was wrong. Apologies are meant to let someone know that you are truly sorry and remorseful for what you did. They aren’t meant so that you can get your foot back in the door. They aren’t tools for longer conversations that you hope turn into dates that you hope make her remember what you used to have. Women respect sincerity, maybe she’ll never look at you like she once did. Maybe she’ll never hug you and melt because of your cologne or watch you sleep but she’ll respect you. Sometimes an apology isn’t a “Maybe we can be friends” but it’s an “Now we can finally move on.”

You know the best apology you can give a woman? It’s not words, it’s showing her that you’re the man she always thought you could be. Women are so cool because unlike men, their love doesn’t die but it transitions. She can not want you but can be happy that you’ve grown and will never treat another woman like you treated her. That lets her know she mattered, that you learned from losing her and because of her you became this man that she once loved the idea of.

The day I knew I grew up was the day I decided that not every wrong deserves an apology. Not every broken heart deserves a love letter. Letting someone go, letting them be happy, that’s you saying, “I’m sorry and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness.” When you’re constantly trying to find ways to wiggle back into their lives for the same half -hearted apologies, you aren’t allowing them the chance to be happy.

Real love, that love that burns your chest when you can’t sleep. That love that causes food you used to love to taste like bile in your mouth. That love is reserved for the people we never want to see hurt. It’s reserved for the people that come into our lives like a tornado and rip away the memory of anyone that came before them. Love like that means you have to let them go.

5 Ways I Survived My First 90 Days In A Relationship

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

For me being single meant enjoying life. I never found talking to someone for the first time and staying on the phone with them for two hours awkward. I loved dates and random happy hours and breakfast before work with someone I just met the day before. Going to Vegas for a fight and not having to answer to anyone was a really good feeling. Having a dozen female friends that I could randomly call or text wasn’t about me being a player or having options; It was about me just being me. I didn’t go looking for a relationship or a woman; it just happened. Fate just happened.

So for me it’s been a transition going from being the man that loved being single to the man that has come to love a woman. So here are the 5 ways I’ve survived the first 90 days of my relationship.

Five- LEARNING NOT TO FLIRT. When you’re single it’s called being charming, when you’re in a relationship, it’s called flirting. You want to know something I figured out within like the first couple weeks? Girlfriends don’t like when you flirt with pretty girls, online or in person. The weird thing about being single for five years is that flirting becomes second nature, giving compliments becomes second nature. I found myself doing it and not even realizing I was doing it. Now what do I do? I give myself a ten second pause before I comment on a picture or offer to buy a women’s lunch because her pencil skirt fits her like a glove.

Four- LETTING GO OF FRIEND-GIRLS. Now hear me out, I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends but what I am saying is that I had a lot of women in my life that I thought were friends and once they found out I was in a relationship those friendships sort of evaporated. Not because of romantic feelings or jealously but because I treated them more like dating buddies than friends. I flirted, I paid for meals, I was there at all times of the night or morning. Those women were amazing women but they weren’t conducive to being a good boyfriend because you can’t have all these deep connections floating around. Friends understand that, you have to cultivate friendships. Real ones, not the ones that are convenient.

Three- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Over the past three months I’ve realized something about myself. I lie a lot and I don’t like awkward conversations. Here I was thinking all this time that I was this blunt, forward, keeping it real guy. When I say a lie a lot, I lie about small things and those small things have the ability to add up really quick. Let me give you an example. Your girls asks you, “Babe, am I over here too much?” You want to say, “Yes, go home and give me a day to lie in my boxers and leave the house a mess and not shower and eat greasy foods without you fussing at me about being healthy.” Instead what do you say, “Of course not babe.” That’s a lie and those types of lies lead to petty arguments and trust issues. Just be honest, even when your first instinct is to lie. I’m not all the way there but I figure around the sixth month I’ll be a truth telling machine.

Two- CELLPHONES ARE MANIPULITIVE LITTLE JERKS. Look, no guy wants to be the guy that’s insecure or overly jealous and for the most part I’m not that guy but do you know who’s always getting in my head. Her cellphone!!! Her cellphone taunts me, it mocks me while I’m watching a game or eating dinner. I promise you it only lights up when I walk by it, it only “dings” when I mute the television and that ding echo’s throughout the house like a rooster on a crisp summer morning. I’ll see a text or Instagram comment and her phone whispers to me, “Who is that Mez?” “Just pick it up and see what she’s saying Mez?” “You aren’t doing anything she wouldn’t do Mez.” Being in a relationship doesn’t entitle anyone to touch someone’s phone. Don’t listen to them, cellphones are such jerks because once we get in relationships we stop giving them as much attention. So they want to sabotage us. JUST SAY NOT TO CELLPHONE PEER PRESSURE!

One- ACCEPTING YOU’RE NO LONGER SINGLE. This was the biggest one for me because this was the one that sets the standard for everything else on the list. Doing things like introducing her as your girlfriend when you’re out or letting her know when you’ll be out late with your boys. It’s okay to be considerate, it’s okay to make her feel like she matters more than other women. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been an adjustment of major proportions and I still have so much to adapt to and learn but what I do know is that my heart is in it so I’m willing to try.

2:00am In Houston: The Fears of A Writer

Memories

Memories

I’m at work right now but even if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. I got some news today that someone I love has a medical condition, it’s not just that they have cancer but the cancer is spreading. When they told me I had to be strong for them but my heart was breaking inside. I’m over questionnig God, it doesn’t help anything. I’m not the first man to wonder why loving and good people get sick or struggle and the evil prosper.

I had a choice on Sunday morning. I was up all night writing and didn’t really sleep. Part of me wanted to go to the church, needed to go to church. The other part of me just wanted to get drunk. Tha part of me that wanted that drink won. I hated myself as soon as I took the first sip but I needed it because without it I think the voices in my head would never go away.

There’s no doubt I can write. I’ve been doing it my entire life and I’m only getting better at it. I’m actually starting to get paid for it on a consistent basis. A guy came to me with a script idea, he said every other writer he’d spoken to needed six months for “creative” purposes. I told him I could do it in a month because I can. I see the story in my head before I wrote one line, one scene. I’ll be up at 3am talking to these characters like they’re my best friends.

It worries me sometimes. The fact that I’m drinking more and writing more like I need them to go together. In my mind and heart one can’t work without the other. I miss my friends, the ones I did have at least. I’m telling these secrets and fears to readers instead of calling one of them.

There’s so much isolation in ambition. So much dissapointment in success. You want to know what’s ironic? I have no doubt I’ll reach levels as a writer very few men have. I only doubt that I will be around to see it.

~ Demez F. White

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White