If you aren’t ready to step out on your own; that’s okay. What matters is that your plan and time frame work for you.
Don’t cheat yourself. Saving a dollar today could literally mean losing a 100 tomorrow.
Even the smartest man can be a fool and not even know it.
Living life blind to the resentment, to the needs of those closest to his heart.
The arrogance of believing that Camelot won’t come crashing down.
The arrogance of believing that what was once pure cannot become tainted.
The best of intentions become clouded by the worst of judgements.
The most confident decisions become blinded by moments of insecurity and inadequacy gift wrapped in lies and deception.
The most memorable moments become soaked in insincerity.
The love becomes resentment.
Her own arrogance, her own ego, tell her what she needs to do. Tell her what she has to do. To not only win but to survive.
None of those are stronger than her heart. For heart betrays her and her resentment doesn’t push away love but embraces love and makes the hurt that much more painful.
“Do you know how many I have turned down?”
“Do you know how they look at me?”
“Do you know what you did to me?”
More questions than an SAT exam and not nearly enough answers.
More doubt than a tied football game in the closing seconds but there can be no winner.
Looking into her eyes, her tears tearing a hole in his soul, her anguish ripping at the fabric of his manhood.
Wanting to fix it all in one night, wanting to heal it all in one moment.
Needing to turn back the hands of time and give her the time she’d been cheated of. Give her the opportunities taken away from her like a thief in the night.
Wanting her to hate him so that she wouldn’t seem so perfect, even in her pain.
The arrogance of a man goes against forgiveness.
The love of a woman embraces it.
Knowing that a man could touch her or inhale her after him cuts like a sword through flesh and bone and hurts just as much.
Knowing that her love was no longer guaranteed.
His arrogance died.
Comfort is a great word. When I think of comfort I think of a pair of boxers fresh out the dryer after a hot shower, a cold beer, my couch and a good game. For some comfort is a pint of Blue Bell, thick fuzzy socks and stalking their favorite people on Instagram. Comfort can be an amazing thing but it can also be dangerous to growth, success and passion.
When you become comfortable at a job or in a relationship it’s human nature to take your foot off the gas. It becomes the most logical thing in the world to believe you are we’re you’re supposed to be. That’s where belief has to come in; the belief that you can soar past your station in life. No one can believe in us like we can believe in us. Like we have to believe in us.
Social media leads so many into a false sense of accomplishment. I’ve had hundreds or likes on a post or hundreds of shares on a blog and it’s a good feeling knowing people follow you but it no where near compare to the feeling of receiving a check. Of having that belief that if I stop giving away my services for free; that people will still buy into me. If you desire greatness in life there’s no formula that allows you to jump the line. Invest in yourself, put time into your talent, support others and network and just work your tail off!
At the age of 32 there are days where I feel like I haven’t accomplished a thing. Days where my confidence and aggression and sense of hope feel like they’re fading. Then there are days where I see the horizon. I see the progress. I see the company and writing growing and evolving. Either way on either day I’m never losing the belief that I can get where I want to get. I’m never going to doubt that God has a plan for me and that plan includes any struggles and missteps I might endure.
In every great man or woman’s life there has come a point where they decided the risk was worth the reward. Some sacrificed steady jobs, some the loves of their lives and some their piece of mind. That’s a decision you’ll have to make on your own.
Demez F. White
For me being single meant enjoying life. I never found talking to someone for the first time and staying on the phone with them for two hours awkward. I loved dates and random happy hours and breakfast before work with someone I just met the day before. Going to Vegas for a fight and not having to answer to anyone was a really good feeling. Having a dozen female friends that I could randomly call or text wasn’t about me being a player or having options; It was about me just being me. I didn’t go looking for a relationship or a woman; it just happened. Fate just happened.
So for me it’s been a transition going from being the man that loved being single to the man that has come to love a woman. So here are the 5 ways I’ve survived the first 90 days of my relationship.
Five- LEARNING NOT TO FLIRT. When you’re single it’s called being charming, when you’re in a relationship, it’s called flirting. You want to know something I figured out within like the first couple weeks? Girlfriends don’t like when you flirt with pretty girls, online or in person. The weird thing about being single for five years is that flirting becomes second nature, giving compliments becomes second nature. I found myself doing it and not even realizing I was doing it. Now what do I do? I give myself a ten second pause before I comment on a picture or offer to buy a women’s lunch because her pencil skirt fits her like a glove.
Four- LETTING GO OF FRIEND-GIRLS. Now hear me out, I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends but what I am saying is that I had a lot of women in my life that I thought were friends and once they found out I was in a relationship those friendships sort of evaporated. Not because of romantic feelings or jealously but because I treated them more like dating buddies than friends. I flirted, I paid for meals, I was there at all times of the night or morning. Those women were amazing women but they weren’t conducive to being a good boyfriend because you can’t have all these deep connections floating around. Friends understand that, you have to cultivate friendships. Real ones, not the ones that are convenient.
Three- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Over the past three months I’ve realized something about myself. I lie a lot and I don’t like awkward conversations. Here I was thinking all this time that I was this blunt, forward, keeping it real guy. When I say a lie a lot, I lie about small things and those small things have the ability to add up really quick. Let me give you an example. Your girls asks you, “Babe, am I over here too much?” You want to say, “Yes, go home and give me a day to lie in my boxers and leave the house a mess and not shower and eat greasy foods without you fussing at me about being healthy.” Instead what do you say, “Of course not babe.” That’s a lie and those types of lies lead to petty arguments and trust issues. Just be honest, even when your first instinct is to lie. I’m not all the way there but I figure around the sixth month I’ll be a truth telling machine.
Two- CELLPHONES ARE MANIPULITIVE LITTLE JERKS. Look, no guy wants to be the guy that’s insecure or overly jealous and for the most part I’m not that guy but do you know who’s always getting in my head. Her cellphone!!! Her cellphone taunts me, it mocks me while I’m watching a game or eating dinner. I promise you it only lights up when I walk by it, it only “dings” when I mute the television and that ding echo’s throughout the house like a rooster on a crisp summer morning. I’ll see a text or Instagram comment and her phone whispers to me, “Who is that Mez?” “Just pick it up and see what she’s saying Mez?” “You aren’t doing anything she wouldn’t do Mez.” Being in a relationship doesn’t entitle anyone to touch someone’s phone. Don’t listen to them, cellphones are such jerks because once we get in relationships we stop giving them as much attention. So they want to sabotage us. JUST SAY NOT TO CELLPHONE PEER PRESSURE!
One- ACCEPTING YOU’RE NO LONGER SINGLE. This was the biggest one for me because this was the one that sets the standard for everything else on the list. Doing things like introducing her as your girlfriend when you’re out or letting her know when you’ll be out late with your boys. It’s okay to be considerate, it’s okay to make her feel like she matters more than other women. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been an adjustment of major proportions and I still have so much to adapt to and learn but what I do know is that my heart is in it so I’m willing to try.
What you want do another man will? That’s one of the more popular articles I’ve written. There’s another side to that story though, there are a lot of men with women they only have because the man she wanted and probably still wants wouldn’t act right.
There are a lot of men right now that are in relationships with top 10% type women simply because they’re acting right. Women that are beautiful, funny, smart, ambitious, sexy, fashionable. Women that other men dream of and other women envy. Two, three years ago she would have never looked at him but because the man she was in love with wasn’t acting right she got tired and gave some guy a chance.
Ask a woman about the man she loved the hardest, the one she cried over and helped pay bills and would do anything in the world for. Rarely is she still with that guy because those guys never grow up, they never step up and accept responsibility. Let me not say never but rarely. They may grow a beard and wear better clothes and cologne but they still have those same habits that cause heartbreak and sleepless nights. Women get tired of that and they’re willing to sacrifice certain things for respect, honesty, sincerity and knowing a man is who he says he is.
Being passionate is great but rarely does life take place in the extremes and passion is an extreme. The older we get the more we crave consistency, thoughtfulness. We laugh and smile at the sex in parking lots and the spending bill money on trips when we’re young but as we grow so does the nature of what makes us happy.
For some reason there are men and women that get pleasure out of using terms like, “You can have my leftovers” or “I went out with her a couple years ago.” Implying since they had that person first it means something. What most of those people don’t want to mention is that they usually called, text’d, begged to try and get them back and once none of that worked they simply resorted to slander. We don’t believe you and even if we did why does it matter?
Saying you had someone first is nothing to brag about. You can’t be over the age of 23 and not have been with someone in your life on a physical or emotional level. Whenever I see a guy bragging that he “hit” a chick in 2006 or a woman who just has to tell her friend that a guy “tried to talk to her” in 2010 I’m wondering their motivation? You know what’s really sexy, what’s really cool, moving on. Leaving the past in the past. I’m pretty sure when I get married there will be men that have seen my wife naked, as long as they aren’t currently seeing her naked. Enjoy the memories, I have the real thing.
~ Demez F. White
Acceptance leads to change, growth, happiness. Though at times it might not feel like it. When you accept your limitations or a situation you accept the reality of your options.
It feels and sounds so incredibly noble to say, “I’ll never quit. I’ll never give up! I’ll fight until I can’t!” That can be noble, that can brave and that can also be foolish. Accepting that not every situation is meant to end in victory can save us so much time and energy and heartbreak.
It’s not just about accepting your limitations though, it’s also about accepting the potential greatness that we all have inside of us. When you limit yourself you’re placing a cap on your happiness. That’s self destructive.
The journey to happiness starts with acceptance no matter which road you take.
~ Demez F. White
The only reminder left of that night was a small scar over her eyebrow barely visible unless the sun caught it the right way. She thought he was coming over to propose, she thought it was going to be the happiest night of her life and instead it was the worse. To this day she still doesn’t know why he attacked her, why he beat her and did what he did.
The look in his eyes wasn’t the look of the man she’d known for a year, the man she would have done anything for. It was the look of a man that hated her. Lying on the floor, feeling like she was seconds away from dying her heart stopped when he pulled out the gun. It wasn’t for her though, he used it on himself.
“I want you to live with what you made me do. Why did you make me fall in love with you?”
Those words and the sound of the gunshot caused her more nightmares then she could have ever imagined. Even with her eye shut and her ribs broken she cried over his body, shaking him to be okay. To wake up!
That night changed her life, blinking her eyes, sipping the wine, she came back to reality. He was gone, Adam was nothing like him. He was sweet and smart and patient. Their love wasn’t intense, it wasn’t scary. When she was younger she would have never given a man like Adam a chance. He was attractive and had great qualities but they weren’t qualities she could appreciate back then.
Outside of her therapist she’d never told anyone about what happened that night, not even her family. The day she told him at the park she felt like it wasn’t her she was talking about. She could feel the tears falling and she saw it all in her head but she needed him to know. Squeezing her hand, wiping her tears, he listened to every word. She left nothing out, every detail, no matter how graphic.
The hardest part, the part she feared most, was telling him she couldn’t have children. The attack did more than brake her spirit, it broke a part of what made her a woman. Meeting his eyes, telling him what the doctors told her, what the specialist told her. “It’s why I can’t accept your love Adam, I know how much a child means to you and you say you’re okay with it now but I know you’ll resent me.” Pulling her close, unable to fight back his own tears. “I just want you. I haven’t regretted one moment we’ve been together and I don’t care how long it takes for you to heal or get comfortable with being with a man again. I’m here, I’m here. You don’t have to ever worry about me not being the man I am today. If it’s only the two of us for the rest of my life then God has given me more than enough.”
That spring afternoon was the cleansing the needed. Today she was ready. She wouldn’t hide her body, slipping off her jeans, opening the door. He stood there smiling, a bottle of wine, flowers. Taking the things out of his hand she pulled him inside, kissing him for what felt like the first time.
Today was a new day, today she would let love and happiness call her home.
How do you look them in their eyes and tell them I want to take you out, I want to charm you, I want to make you fall in love with me but more than anything I want you to spend the night with me. The nights are entirely too cold to spend alone, my bed is too big, it needs company.
How do you tell them I think about you far too often even though the time we’ve spent together doesn’t warrant it. I write about you even though I don’t use your name or picture. I talk about you even though the people I’m talking to will never meet you. How do you tell someone I think I’m falling in love with you?
Do I hold her hand, look her in the eyes and tell her that I don’t feel like waiting until we go on four dates or until ninety days pass? Do I tell her that I want my family to meet her on Thanksgiving and I want her to wake up on Christmas morning at my house? Do I tell her that I’ve been lonely for awhile and I want to start the rest of our lives tonight, with your head on my chest and your skin pressed against my skin under this comforter we picked out together? How exactly do you say, “Please spend tonight with me?”
The thing is, I understand you have to play the game. I understand telling someone no matter if you’ve known them for two years or two days that you feel like your life would be better if they stayed the night with you is creepy. I get that… I do… But what I’m saying is, I don’t really give a fuck about protocol because at this point I think that’s bullshit anyway.
I want to watch you come out the bathroom in your towel, I want to rub lotion on your back and thighs and ass. I want to laugh at you because you packed everything to stay the night but panties and deodorant. I’m laughing because you left the panties on the purpose but you really left the deodorant.
How do you tell her that I would sleep better if you were lying with me, that for as much as I love sex it’s not about that. It’s about your scent, your snoring, the calm that I know you’ll bring to me if you stay the night. How do I ask that?
How do I put into words that I think I’ve been in love with her even before I knew her? How do I say I love you and I need to say the words, I need to hear the words so bad right now. Do I write her a letter? Do I send a FB message? Do I show up at her job or home with two dozen roses and my heart on my sleeve? How do I ask her to spend tonight with me and tomorrow night and a hundred nights after?
Tell me how to ask…
I can command any room I walk into. I can talk to anyone in three different languages. I can smile and flirt like most men wish they could but I really don’t know how to ask her to spend the night with me because I need her. Because for all my bravado and ego I come home to an empty home and no matter how many dates I go on or how many numbers I have in my phone at the end of the night I don’t want that life. I want the life I know God has promised me, that God had in mind for me the moment he created me. How do I ask her to kiss me goodnight and give me the chance to be the first face she see’s in the morning until she’s wearing my ring and gives me a child that looks just like her? How do I ask these questions….
There is a part of you I fear no one will ever know.
There is an emptiness inside of you that I fear will never be filled.
For all of your good qualities there is a part of your soul, your mind, that will never truly feel you deserve the grace God has bestowed upon you.
You’ve come too far to walk back but are you willing to walk forward? To open the door and take the risk?
Is there a night, a day, a moment where you don’t wonder if you’ll fall apart and burn into pieces?
When you pour the liquid in the glass and watch it sit there, taunting you, waiting on you… Knowing what it did to your father, what it’s capable of doing to you… When you feel the burn coursing down your throat catching fire in your chest.
Why does self-destruction come so natural?
Why are you willing to sabotage every relationship?
Does she think about you? Probably not…
Will they miss you once the writing stops and the words don’t flow so naturally? Who knows…
Is there a happily ever after in your future? Only if you open your heart to the possibility…
The touch of a woman calms you, gives you life in the moment but only in the moment.
The feeling of knowing you made her smile stops with her smile.
The thought of waking up to the humming of the ceiling fan and the chirp of the birds only serves to remind you that you’re waking up alone.
I write you this not to remind you of that emptiness, of that hole.
But to give you hope that with all I’ve said you still have a chance at redemption.
A chance to be great in this life and the next.
The storm clouds are gathering outside.
The rain is falling.
Your heart is heavy but the storm will pass.
I believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself for you am I and I am you.
Maybe you’ll die on a hotel room in Paris alone with a bottle of scotch and your precious words.
Or maybe you’ll die surrounded by family and friends.
Either way just know your fate is in your hands.
Demez F. White
1. The characters jump off the page, they’re true to real life and drama is the best thing you can read about. Passion, intense dialogue and moments that will make you ask the question, ‘what would I do in that situation?”
2. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas Shopping! Family get togethers, hanging Christmas lights. The Holidays can be tiring, sit back and read a book, the music playing, the heat blowing. Baileys and hot chocolate.
3. Allow your mind to wonder.