An Open Letter to the Father’s That Weren’t There; It’s Not too Late

img_0173I didn’t want to post this on yesterday because I believe that Father’s Day is reserved for the men that deserve to get recognition. The ones that takes turns getting up at night when the baby is crying. The dads that have to rush home from work to get to little league practices and then help with homework because mom has to cook dinner. Those men deserve all the days of being spoiled they can get.

Life isn’t lunch meat or milk. There’s no expiration date on when you can say, “I need to start over,” or “I want to make things right.” There are so many father’s out here that weren’t there when their children were kids and they don’t know how to make that right. It’s too late for ice cream and Barbie dolls or GI Joes. It’s too late for camping in the backyard and little league games. So they just let year after year go until they’re strangers to the people that share their DNA. Not realizing it’s never too late to at the very least have a friendship.

Holding grudges against your father for not being there only hurts you. I spent years trying to be a better man than my father and in the end I’m no better than him because the ultimate character of a man is to be able to forgive. A lot of our father’s just weren’t ready for fatherhood. They didn’t know how to be dads and by the time they were willing to try or realized their mistakes it was too late. At least in their eyes. So it’s up to us to reach out to them, maybe we’ll never have the father/ son relationship we craved as children but there’s value in becoming their friend. In getting to know where you came from. There’s value in your children knowing where they came from.

The easiest thing in the world is to make a mistake or screw up and walk away. Saying to yourself, “They were good without me as children, so why would they need me as teenagers or adults?” Just because a child grows up doesn’t mean he or she ever stops being your child. Even if it’s just a phone call once a week or Sunday dinner at Popeye’s, that quality time does wonders.

Why Raising Another Man’s Child Can Be Just As Rewarding As Raising Your Own

Family

Family

What are traits about others that people admire?

Being Selfless,

Passionate.

Happy.

Loving.

All those traits apply to single mothers. Of course we all know examples of bad mothers but most of the women I know lose their mind when their child is sick. They go without if their son or daughter needs a little more to eat or drink even though they know the kid is full. They take off work in order to make sure the kid isn’t at school sick when they know the child was probably never sick to begin with.

Mothers are selfless, passionate, happy and loving as hell when it comes to their children. The good ones are but the great ones are all in.

I recently had a friend tell me that she stopped talking to a guy that she was crazy about because he treated her two daughters differently. He wasn’t abusive or molesting them but the youngest girl was a daddy’s girl so she had an attitude towards him. So he would do things for the oldest girl and not for the youngest. These children were like 4 and 7 by the way.

She said, “Mez, he was being indifferent to my youngest daughter instead of just giving her time to adjust. He bought my oldest some candy, when the youngest asked where hers was, he said; ask your daddy.’ What sense does that make? So I dumped him.”

I could tell she missed him but she did what was best for her child and that made me smile.

My point is this, as a man when you can find it in your heart to love, care for, respect, play with, encourage, teach and just grow with the one thing in this world that that woman loves more than anything else. You’re going to win in life.

I grew up with a generation of people where a lot of us didn’t have father’s in the household. I know a bunch of women my age that aren’t with the men they have children with. My grandparents grew up in a generation where you got someone pregnant and married them, forget that you didn’t love her or that she wasn’t the woman you saw yourself with. You did it because it was right, because being there for her and your children was more important than dating and trying to find ‘perfection.’

When you take on the responsibility of a woman and her child or children; she knows the sacrifice you’re making. She may not talk about it or bring it up but she’s aware that they’re plenty of childless women out here. She’s aware that her child is going to have an adjustment period. She’s aware that the child’s father is either going to be in their life or is in their life and at the end of the day it will be ‘ME’ that has to be the bigger person.

I’ll be the one having to bite my tongue if they’re arguing about child support or insurance. I’ll be the one that has to pick up the pieces if he doesn’t come to get that kid for the weekend and she’s hurting because her baby is hurting.

Once the smoke settles and she realizes I’m not going anywhere, she’ll love me more than she’s ever loved anyone because I’ve handled loving her and that child like they were the most important things in the world to me.

I grew up without a father, my stepfather was a bum. So I don’t know what it’s like to have someone care about me, come to games, come to recitals, pick me up from school and have that man on man talk. If it would have been my stepfather I would have loved that man to death despite his short comings. That’s the thing about children, they aren’t slow, they aren’t blind. They simply want to know that you’re there, there for them. There for their mom, there for that family.

I want a son more than anything in this world but I want a wife first. I want a bestfriend first and I want financial security first.

Being with a woman that has a child isn’t a handicap, it’s a blessing in the sense that I’ll be able to not only touch the life of my future seed or that woman but I’ll be able to touch the life of a child that needs it. I respect women and I understand doing what you have to do to raise your child.

A woman can’t raise a man and a little girl needs a father. She needs to see a man treat her mother like a Goddess no matter how cheesy that sounds. I loved a woman whose daughter looked just like the child’s father, I mean they could have cloned this kid. Every time I tried to kiss her or hug her, the little girl would jump in-between us or look at me like I was evil. I thought it was the cutest thing in the world because I would want my daughter to do the same thing.

We’re adults for a reason, we have to be the bigger people. Children need adjustment periods and when they do adjust they’ll love you just as much as they love their biological father. I firmly believe that but you have to be a man, you have to be real and you have to be sincere.

The friend that I mentioned earlier, we aren’t that cool but if we were I would have went to the doctor with her, I would have went to the Lamaze classes and helped her out with cravings. Not because I want a relationship with her, I don’t know her like that but I would have done it because every woman deserves to have someone there with them and because her child’s father is unworthy. I would hate for those vibes to sink into that womb.

So I don’t know how many male readers I have but if you do read this, give a woman with children a chance and to all the women out there just know that some man will love you and want you not just because you’re fine as hell but because he wants to be an asset to you and your child’s life.

A Letter To My Future Son…

Dear Julian,

I was jamming Watch the Throne today (that’s an album from a couple hot rappers right now) and there’s a song where Jay and Kanye were talking to their future children.

Kanye said he would tell his son to stick with your college girlfriend and never try and find love in the strip club. Jay apologized to his son because he doesn’t even exist and the paparizi are already in wait.

Today, a couple days before Fathers Day in 2012 I want to write this letter letting you know that I’m trying my hardest to build something that you’ll be proud of.

I wish I could promise you the best schools and the biggest homes but I can’t. I won’t make promises to you that I can’t keep. But I can promise you that whomever your mother ends up being she’ll be gorgeous and smart and loving and even if it doesn’t work like I see it in my mind we’ll both do anything in the world for you.

When you get old enough you’ll look me up and see a man that loves sex, women and writing but just know there’s so much more to me than that. And I’ll show you that. Sometimes I feel like there’s a void in my life, an emptiness that I can’t shake. And I know you’ll fill that because you’ll represent my legacy.

You’ll mean more to your father than any bestselling novel or female conquest.

I love you. I’ve never heard those words from my father or grandfathers so I’ll be sure to whisper it to your mothers stomach everynight. With her I’ll show you how a woman should be treated.

Sincerely Yours,

Your Father…

Little Girls and Their Daddy…

I’m always talking about a son, a little boy that looks like me, that I can teach and mold and show off. I don’t talk about little girls a lot, about having a daughter. It’s not because I’m a chauvinist or because I don’t want a daughter, it’s because the thought of having a little girl scares me to DEATH! I know how much I’ll love her mother so I can only imagine how much I’d be wrapped around her little finger. I can watch my son fall, watch him get up on his own and learn from his mistakes. I don’t think I could ever watch a daughter of mine fall without picking her up and buying her a puppy and ice cream. I don’t talk about that little girl because even though she’s just a thought I’m all about protecting her, even before she gets here.  

I write about women a lot, I talked about that last night in a note. But this is the thing, that sexy woman that I can’t wait to take out, that I can’t wait to get the email or text from. The one in the tight dress with the cute smile, guess what…

She wasn’t always the image of perfection for some man, at one point she was a little girl, someone’s daughter. She waited on her father to put the money under the pillow when she lost those teeth, she waited on daddy to kill the bug or to fix the TV. Fathers are the first men women fall in love with, the first man that’s there to protect them or heal them.

Daddies give them lunch money and love them before there’s even the thought of another man. Little girls are innocent, they’re perfect in the sense that men have the ability to raise them to know their worth. Fathers have the ability to teach her that she’s a woman, a lady, that she’s priceless.  

Fathers Day is this Sunday and I know a lot of women didn’t grow up with that father in the home like he was supposed to be, this isn’t the Cosby Show. Hell, my dad has 14 kids that I know of and is a drunk so this note isn’t about this perfect world.

But this note is about the men that did right by their little girls and when they did right by those little girls they set the foundation for them to become women with standards and expectations. Women that knew he should open my door and get out and knock when he picks me up instead of blowing the horn because daddy taught me that.

Fathers change oil and get flats fixed when she’s 16 and doesn’t know what’s going on with the car, hands out money and hugs like an ATM.

There is another side to this equation though, not all women have these sorts of fathers in their lives. Some men pass away, some run away and some are just sorry so little girls can grow up seeing the worst in men. Instead of protecting her and her mother he only makes this more difficult. Not working, cheating, lying, and fathering other children that he doesn’t take care of.

Little girls grow up wanting more, needing more, seeking out more from the same men they grew up with. They have to learn the hard way, thru trial and error because there was no man to teach them their true worth. They date assholes or thugs because that’s what they saw, human beings are creatures of habit.

It’s no coincidence that if a girl has a bad relationship with her father she looks to hurt him, to go against him. Not all women… NOT ALL WOMEN! But enough of them. Strippers, crack heads, bad mothers, I’m not saying that they don’t deserve some blame but how many of them had a strong, purposeful, active, happy father in the home?

Black men are letting our little girls down and because of that our women are growing up and not getting married. They have to raise these beautiful little girls on their own or with part time dads.

I know that if God blesses me with a little girl it’s going to be my job to make whatever man that eventually comes for her have to work his ass off! It’s going to be my job to make sure she wants for nothing, to make sure that she see’s the way I treat her mother and wants that for herself. Whether she’s six months, six, sixteen or twenty six she will be able to come to me and ask for help or cry herself to sleep.

She shouldn’t be in awe of a nice restaurant or nice car, she shouldn’t take each compliment like it’s her first. Whether she looks like Kort or Elmo she should still be beautiful in her Fathers eyes and because of that… She’ll wear that confidence with pride!

Little girls love their daddies, they have since the beginning of time and that will never change. If your father is in your life and he molded you, make sure you let him know you appreciate it this weekend. And if he wasn’t there, fuck him! Just make sure you pick the right man to be around your little girl!

Demez F. White