Thoughts Before the Dawn 

I miss my grandmother and it’s easy to go on with life during the day. It’s not easy at 5:00am. 
I sometimes wonder if my vices will get the best of me. If i’ll die with a glass in my hand and a bottle at my feet. 

I worry that I’ll never have children. That I can’t have children. That I’ll never stand in a hospital room looking at my child that’s a perfect mix between me and his mother. 

I worry that I’m but the writer I believe I am. That I haven’t put any books out in 4 years because I believe they’ll flop. 

I worry that I’m incapable of ever truly loving anyone. Worry that there’s something broke inside of me. 

– Demez 

Living Life In the Shadow of Not Wanting to be My Father 

  I have fairly high expectations for the man I want to be. I’ve literally lived my life trying to do everything the right way. I don’t have any stories of drunken house parties while my parents were away or sleeping in the drunk tank on spring break. I have never concerned myself with what’s popular if it wasn’t right. I wish I could say I was doing this because I have this high moral compass or because I’m inherently good but that’s not the case at all. 

I am who I am because I promised myself I would never be my father. My fist time meeting him was my 4th or 5th birthday, at least that’s my first time remembering meeting him. My mom and family threw me this smurfs themed party. I loved the smurfs. He showed up with a car truck. Not the electronic type but the hot wheel kind. He didn’t hug me and barely spoke. I just remember feeling like he was a stranger and I never wanted to feel that way again. I never wanted to feel irrelevant. 

Sometimes I wonder what type of father I will be. I don’t worry whether or not I’ll be there for him or her or whether or not I’ll provide. I worry that I won’t be able to give them the emotional support they need. That I won’t be the man I always invisioned myself being. It’s a scary feeling being unsure about something that’s supposed to come so natural. 

Will I be the type of husband that just knows when my wife needs a break? The type of father that just knows when my child needs a hug instead of a spanking. My father didn’t teach me these things and in trying to be everything he wasn’t I’m afraid I’ll become some of the things I hate about him. Nature vs. Nurture.  

My Only Sunshine

I still believe in miracles. I still believe in wedding rings and bibles. I still believe the best walk you’ll ever take is walking down the aisle knowing your wife will be following you soon after. I still believe in getting lost in someone’s eyes and talking for hours. I still believe in bringing flowers on a first date and midnight drives just talking and listening to music. I still believe in getting butterflies right before you kiss someone for the very first time.

I still believe in sunshine. I still believe that that warmth on my face after rainy or cold days makes me feel alive.

There are days where I feel this enormous sense of emptiness. Where I fear that emptiness will take hold of me. I believe that I’m searching for something and hopefully I’ll find it in the sunshine.

I believe that one day I’ll hold my son in my arms. That one day when I can’t sleep and my wife is knocked out I’ll go sit in the nursery and just watch him. Just wonder about all the possibilities and options he’ll have in life.

I believe that happiness still exist. Even if it’s just in my dreams.

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