There’s A Difference Between Being Selfish and Doing What’s Best For You

Don’t let people try and make you feel guilty or selfish because you don’t want to go along with their wishes or agenda. Children are a perfect example of this, especially in work environments. Do you know how often I’ve had men come to me and say, “My son has a game this weekend or my wife can’t pick the kid up from daycare so I can’t work late. I know you don’t have kids so can you stay?” If you say no people look at you like, “Oh my God, you’re so selfish.” How am I selfish because you and your wife didn’t plan better? Why is you having to pay a late fee at the daycare anymore important that me wanting to watch Netflix and take off my pants?

Having a sick mother or a grandmother that can’t drive and you can ask for some help financially but you can’t pick her up to take her to the grocery store, that’s selfish. Putting your mother in a elderly community where they have doctors, resources, where she won’t have to be at home by herself all day; maybe people judge you for that. But sometimes doing what’s best for you and being a little selfish go hand in hand.

We’re all somewhat selfish even if our selfishness is rooted in selflessness. Say someone works at a shelter and they feel as though people aren’t donating enough. Isn’t it sort of selfish and a little arrogant to feel like a person should not buy a plane ticket or a new coat but instead donate that money to the homeless? It’s their money, they worked for it, whether they want to throw it at strippers or spend it on a steak, that’s their right. And if they only want to give 20 dollars to your cause, so be it. Unless it’s family or someone that has been there for you; very few people owe you anything.

Society has a way of making you feel like doing what’s best for you is selfish. Your family is struggling, your brother lost his job, your sister is depressed; so you have to turn down a dream job to stay home and help. You have to give up on your dreams because it would be selfish to not be there. In 10, 20 years when you’ve realized that you haven’t lived the life you wanted because you were so busy taking care of everyone else; that regret will eat you alive. What so many people fell to realize is that you can help the ones you love so much more by being selfish. By building and growing and in the end you help them build and grow. As opposed to all of you struggling together.

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Author Demez F. White

There Isn’t A More Dangerous Drug Than Love

Last Night In Paradise

Last Night In Paradise

Have you ever seen someone trying to beat an addiction? Not on a movie or in a book but literally smelt, felt, saw that person not have control of their bodily functions. They couldn’t stop sweating, couldn’t stop scratching, couldn’t sleep. The intensity of the pain almost makes you want to go out and get them the drugs their body is so desperately craving. It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Heroin, cocaine, alcohol, pills, there’s hundreds of drugs people can become addicted to and all of them have the ability to take your life or destroy your life but none of those drugs are as dangerous as love. Love separate’s itself because unlike crack or coke or even liquor love can’t be treated with medicine or rehab. There’s no 12 step program for getting someone out of your heart and your thoughts.

I once read that it takes twice as long as you were with someone to get over them. I’m not sure if that’s true but I wouldn’t doubt it, especially if the love was real. If it was intense and serious. The thing about love that we seem to forget is that it isn’t in our heads, love is an actual drug that seeps into our veins and it changes us.

When you feel like you’re about to lose that man or woman you love, your heart starts beating fast, your head hurts. You can’t hold any food down because you feel nauseous, all your energy is gone. Work doesn’t seem as important, family doesn’t seem as important. It’s almost as if your world stops at the thought of a life without them. That’s the effect love has on us, no other drug can do that.

You can get coke from a dozen different dealers. You can get liquor from a hundred different restaurants and stores. Most highs come in varieties but love is usually unique to one person. Think about that for a second; imagine having the flu and there was only one doctor on this earth that has the medicine you need. That’s love. There’s only one person that can stop the pain that started in your heart but that has taken over and paralyzed your body.

It’s okay to feel like you’re immune, like “That will never happen to me.” But if you’ve never felt the pain of love than you’ve never felt the pleasure of love either. If you’ve never felt the withdraws of someone you need to survive, than you’d never felt the high of holding a woman in your arms and feeling as though you don’t even need oxygen as long as the warmth of her breath is on your neck. Love is dangerous and cruel at times but that is only surpassed by the beauty of that same love.

Stop Making Excuses For Bad Behavior

I hold men to a higher standard than I hold women because men are supposed to be less emotional, more in control. I’m fully aware that for a lot of men that isn’t the case, they are more feminine in a lot of cases than women are but regardless of that men still have to be men.

In holding men so accountable what I’ve also done is not address a significant elephant in the room. Women making excuses for bad behavior. I’m not a hip hop writer but earlier this week or late last week Rick Ross got engaged and in typical rapper fashion he’s marrying a stripper. What comes with rapper+stripper+social media? Foolishness. His fiances mother said, after a woman accused the rapper of sleeping around, “It doesn’t matter what he does in the streets, men will be men. What matters is that he’s taking care of home.” People killed her on social media for that mindset but in reality they were just killing her for saying it online.

I want everyone that’s reading this to be honest with yourself. You don’t have to comment or tell the world but just be honest with yourself. How many women do you know that are married or that are in a relationship and they overlook questionable or bad behavior by their man. They overlook it because the good qualities out way the bad. They overlook it because he keeps whatever he’s doing a secret and he’s not embarrassing her. Let’s be honest. Our grandmothers, our mothers, they may have never said this was okay but we know they accepted it. We know they turned a blind eye and in turn they created a generation of women that think it’s okay.

I’m here to say it’s not okay. I don’t care if a man is taking care of home. I don’t care that he’s a good father or good husband of good boyfriend. Do you know how much of a hypocritical statement that is? How can a man be a good father when he’s unfaithful to the mother of his children? When those children here her crying or see her sad even though she thinks they don’t see it. How can a man be a good husband if he’s so weak that he is constantly seeking the attention of other women. Today I won’t put this solely on the men that are screwing up. Today I’m holding the women accountable that accept less than. That accept a man being less than a father, less than a husband, less than a friend.

I constantly hear stats about women outnumbering men or men having more options and maybe in a sense that’s true but you want to know what’s not true? It’s not true that men always reach for the low hanging fruit. It’s easy to convince yourself that a little bad, a little ain’t shitness is okay. But in convincing yourself of that what you’re ultimately doing is lowering your standards and being an active participant in your own broken heart.

I am one of those guys that would say, “If a man is going to cheat, that’s between him and his woman. What does that have to do with me?” I was wrong man, it’s my place to tell that guy whether he’s a friend or an associate that he’s wrong. That no woman deserves to be passed around or be forced to share. Too many men have become followers and have become afraid to lead, even if it’s only by example. And too many women have become afraid of being alone. Let me tell you something as a man that has done my fair share of screwed up things. There’s no solace, no peace in having half a man. Whatever pleasure you feel from an orgasm will quickly be replaced by the guilt and depression of feeling like you aren’t enough. Hold yourself accountable.

If your grandmother put up with your dad cheating and your mother put up with your father cheating what do you think is going to happen to your son or daughter if you put up with it? They are going to grow up feeling like it’s okay and it’s not. These kids are already exposed to more by the age of 10 then we were by 18. So why expose them to habits that will lead them down paths of unhappiness? Part of being a man is deciding that the love of one woman is worth a million women. Part of being a woman is deciding that the love of yourself is worth not accepting less than what you deserve.

~ Demez F. White

I Want to Catch You Everytime You Fall- Love Letter #14

2015/01/img_0629.jpgDear Future Wife,

On this Valentine’s eve I just want to say good morning, I know it’s early but I couldn’t really sleep last night. I’ve read so much about Valentine’s Day this week and about whether or not it’s relevant to a relationships interest. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I love the idea of celebrating love. I love the idea of celebrating anything.

This is the thing, I’m the sort of man that takes pride in making my woman fall every chance I get. You get a two dollar raise at work and call me at lunch, we’re going to dinner that night. You get an A on a test I know you’ve been studying hard for, I’m buying you a cupcake with a candle just so you can make a wish that you make an A on the next test. Love isn’t perfect and it’s unique to every situation but one thing that love is; love cares more about us than it does them. Maybe Valentine’s Day is commercial and exploits the loneliest of us. I can see that but maybe it also brings out the lover in the best of us.

I will stumble and fall, I’m still learning to love, still learning to be the man I know I can be. The same way I’m willing to catch you when you fall and give you the world is the same way I’d hope you never give up on me. I have no desire to say goodbye. No desire to pretend that I’m this cool guy that doesn’t care or is excited at the thought of not spending any money on February 14, 2015. I’d rather be spending tonight watching scary movies, grocery shopping so we can eat a dinner we prepared together and wake up seeing your face. A day to celebrate love, I’m here for that.

There’s no desire in me to try and convince anyone that they should buy flowers and candles and cuddle naked eating candy. No, that’s on each individual relationship. All I’d like for you to know is that when our day comes, when you and I are best friends and nothing or no one else matters in those moments we’re laughing and looking into each other’s eyes just know days like today and tomorrow when you’re not here are going to make me appreciate you that much more.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

10 Reasons Why I Believe I’m Falling In Love With You

Common-Romantic-Regrets One- I check your Facebook every day. Not really to see who you’re talking to or what guys are saying but just to look at pictures, to see your face. I like seeing your face, seeing your smile.

Two- When you call my entire personality changes. I smile more, I don’t get out the truck, I blow off work for twenty minutes, your voice makes me realize just how much nothing matters more than talking to your pretty ass.

Three- I love your ambition, I find myself talking about you to strangers just because you’re you.

Four- I could care less about having sex with you, our conversations are enough. The way you stimulate my mind means more than any woman has ever done to me physically.

Five- When I write it’s you I see.

Six- The things that make me ignore most women, complaining, whining, crying, all those things bring me closer to you. They make me want to spend more time with you.

Seven- I watch you sleep, not in a creepy way or Silence of the Lambs way but just in a way that brings me comfort. I wonder what you’re dreaming about. I like pulling you close and having you sink your body into mines.

Eight- I have a feeling that when you’re completely into me the amount of freaky and sexy in you will turn me out. It will change my life.

Nine- I love your simplistic beauty.

Ten- Loyalty. To your friends, to your family, to me. Even though we haven’t known each other for long I love how you’re willing to have my back. I love how you talk to me and see me in a way that makes me feel like you care. I know you care. I’m falling in love with you and I don’t care who knows it.

Naked Attractions

Photo-0105 How many years did Adam and Eve run around before they realized they were naked? She often wondered that when she would open the door naked, sleep naked, go to the kitchen in the middle of the night with nothing on but nail polish. For as long as she could remember it never bothered her. Men she dated thought it was because she wanted to be sexy, friends thought she wanted to get a shock out of them but once they got to know her, really know her. They just realized she loved her body and didn’t see it as anything worth hiding.

She always wore her robe when the children were around but since their rooms were upstairs and hers downstairs as soon as they were sleep the robe came off. Lying in bed, her attention divided between Instagram and a book she heard the knock on the door. Not thinking twice she got up to open it, her friend told her she was on her way.

Pulling the door open her smile faded. Her eyes red, the overnight bag in her hand. A baseball cap covering her curly hair, she knew she wasn’t in a good place. Pulling her in for a hug, they just stood there in the doorway. Squeezing her, rubbing her back, she had no idea what the warmth of her body was doing the woman. How her scent entwined with her friend’s vulnerability created a tension masked as sadness.

There were four bedrooms in the house, her children each had a room and there was a guestroom. She Melissa needed to talk so she didn’t think twice when she followed her to her room and got in the bed with her. Watching her friend take off her cap and jeans and climb in the bed she felt guilty. Their relationship wasn’t what it used to be and a lot of that was on her. Work and kids demanded time, time she didn’t have to be the friend she once was.

“Is he still at your apartment?” The covers were under the covers together, thigh to thigh, she didn’t answer right away but she knew she’d heard her.

“He left a couple days ago. I’ve been at work mostly, spent a night at my moms, then my sisters, now I’m here. Every time I climb into that bed I feel him inside of me, is that weird? That my body is reacting to a man that’s not even there? I go in the kitchen and I see beer in the fridge, I hate beer. I’m so used to sleeping in his t-shirts it felt weird putting on a nightgown.”

She was venting, ranting but she knew what it was like to lose someone that mattered. Those first couple weeks it was like you couldn’t imagine what life was like before that person.

“Can I tell you something crazy.” She turned on her pillow facing her, the sheets falling to her waist.

“What?” She smiled, having gotten used to the braces.

“He told me I was in love with you.” She started laughing, laughing so hard tears came to her eyes.

“He said what?! Men really are a trip, he cheats and gets caught so he makes some shit up in his head? Asshole.” It wasn’t until she looked at her friend’s face that she realized she wasn’t laughing or even smiling.

“Lissa, tell me he’s crazy.” The silence made her wish she was wearing clothes, at least a pair of panties.

“I wish I could say he was lying.” She put her hands in her head, wondering if she’d noticed something before. A look, a smile?

“You’re beautiful Elle, you’re funny and sexy and you’re always here when I just need a friend. I pleasure myself to you. One night I stayed over and you and Tim were having sex. I guess because all the other rooms are upstairs you two had the door cracked. I just came down for some water but when I heard the moans I came in and saw you riding him. The way your hips moved and your hair falling. Your ass bouncing. I just watched and wondered when it would feel like to have you on top of me like that.”

A part of her knew this was real, she had some wine and was a little sleepy but there was no doubt in her mind her friend of six years was really saying this to her. Flashbacks of the one time she’d ever been with a woman erupted in her mind. It was the first time in her life she’d had an orgasm. No man had touched her the way that woman did but she threw up immediately afterwards and felt like it was wrong regardless of what her body told her.

Was she giving her friend signals without knowing it? She was naked, inches from her in a bed as they were talking.

“Say something. You’re not blind, you know I’ve been with women before. You’re lying in bed with nothing on. Opening the door with nothing on! I could kiss you in places and do things to you that no man can!”

Before she knew it she was standing up with the sheet wrapped around her. Not feeling comfortable with the way she was looking at her. Watching her take off her tank top, step out her panties and come towards her she gripped the sheet and backed up towards the door.

“You need to go upstairs and sober up and put your clothes back on. No matter what you think this isn’t happening! We’re friends and I’m not feeling you like that.”

Sitting on the bed crying she wanted to console her friend. She wanted to be there but now she just didn’t know.

To Be Continued…