4:00am Thoughts From Houston: Fight or Flight

Stop Waiting

Stop Waiting

I have a hard time saying, “I love you.”

Not saying it in the sense that I have a hard time falling in love but just saying the words. I feel like every time I say them too often it loses it’s meaning a little. Those three words are meant to be said during those special moments where your heart skips a beat.

Saying that out loud as I wrote it made me sound Kenny G soft but you get what I mean.

There’s a point in every relationship where you have to make a decision to fight or flight. I’ve been listening to 90.9 KTSU all day while I’m at work and they’ve been playing these old R&B songs. As I listen to them, really listen to them I hear these men talking about these women in a way that men rarely do today. Men talking about loving women that have husbands, men talking about loving women that have moved on but they only want one night.

Music isn’t like that today. Guys brag about sleeping with another mans’ woman but how often do you hear a guy sing about being in love with another mans’ woman? So it made me think, why don’t guys talk about fighting for women anymore? Is it pride? Is it arrogance? Is it feeling that women are replaceable and if she won’t act right another woman will?

Normally I would write in 3rd person as to shift this away from myself but tonight I’ll use me as an example. I think I told myself I would never fight for a woman because how could she truly love me if she allowed another man into her world, into that space where it was even a competition? I get competing for her affections if we’re dating but if we are a couple then how did it make it pass that place that should only be reserved for me?

That was my logic in my younger days and even just a couple years ago but what I came to realize is that thinking like that means you’ve stopped seeing what everyone else sees. Look at a relationship like an NBA season. You could play your ass off and win a championship and enjoy the spoils of that trophy but one day you have to wake up and play that season all over again and the joy you felt from that ring will be eclipsed by the disappointment of not even making the playoffs. So when you get a woman and you win her heart, the season may be over but you still have an entire career worth of Championship moments. Are you willing to compete or are you going to say, “I already won so why am I still giving my all?”

If you push her away or stop being the man you were when she first met you there are repercussions to those actions and life is really cool in this way. Most of the decisions we make are ours to make. Whether you fight or flight; just know in the end you’re the one that has to live with that choice.

Fight For Me (III)

Looking down at her ass I wanted to punish her! Sex between us was always good but the ferocity that was there in the beginning was lacking. I didn’t have that problem today!

I hated her but I loved her!

I wanted her to get her shit and leave but I didn’t want to see her walk out that door!

Gripping the back of her neck I pushed her face into the cushion. She was pushing her ass into me; telling me to fuck her with her hips. Her back arched, thighs spread I pushed myself inside. Caught off guard by how wet she was I pushed harder, went deeper!
Her hand reached back to try and slow me down but there was no remorse today. No love making. She wanted me to fight for her, to show her how much emotion I put into this relationship! I would show her with my dick.

“Did you love him?!” Her moans and screams were too loud for me to hear her answer! Maybe I didn’t even want to hear.

“No baby! No baby! I was lonely and missing you and ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ahhhh! Fuck me like you need me! Pleeeeease!!! Pleaaaase!!!”

“You! Are! Not! Going! A! Damn! Place!”

Fight For Me…

“Can you drop me off at the airport tonight? I took my car to the shop today.” Most people hated packing, it was actually one of my favorite things to do. It was sort of the calm before the storm that was airport life.

She hadn’t been talking much but I figured it was because she had a three day weekend and I spent the entire thing at a computer in my office. I’d get her something in DC to make up for it.

“Raquel! Can you take me to the airport baby?” She just sat on the couch with her laptop ignoring me, her headphones were in but I knew she heard me. What I could never understand was why she stayed over here if she was mad, she had her own place.

I ignored it and went back in the bedroom to finish packing, a cab to the airport was going to be ridiculous but it was too late to call anyone else.

“Hello, can I get a cab at 909 Texas Avenue, Houston, TX 77002. Have him call when he’s downstairs and I’ll come down. Thanks.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to take you!” She was standing in the doorway, glasses on, sweats, thermal top. She was more comfortable here than I was but I didn’t mine, hell, she was here more than me anyway.

“You didn’t seem like you were in the mood so it’s cool, I called a cab. Go back to whatever it is you were doing.” I turned around to go back to packing.

She wasn’t saying anything but I could tell she was behind me. We hadn’t had an argument in awhile, it wasn’t really our thing. Things were pretty good and she was just as busy as I was so I got the mood swings, work could be stressful.

“Do you want to know what I’m always doing on my computer?” Her tone was confrontational but I knew my cab would be here soon and this didn’t seem like a five minute conversation. Why she would wait until I was about to leave to bring it up was beyond me.

I just kept packing, another watch, deodorant, a couple ties.

“I’m on the computer talking to my ex, we Skype, we’ve had lunch a couple times. He’s a good guy and he has time for me. I don’t feel like an accessory.” I dropped everything on the bed and turned to look at her. She was crying, were her tears supposed to move me? She was in my house, using my wifi, my electricity to talk to another man?!

“Get the fuck out of my Loft! When I come back I don’t want any thing of yours in here, leave the key at the desk downstairs. Fuck you and fuck him too.”

“Really!? Really?! After two fucking years you just put me out, you don’t even want to talk about this?! We talk and hung out but I didn’t do anything with him, I’m just lonely! Can’t you understand that!? I’m just tired of sitting here with you in the next room like I don’t exist! Three days and three nights I was over here and you barely touched me, barely looked at me when I got out the shower or walked around naked! All you fucking care about is your writing and I’m lonely! I just wanted someone to talk to!”

She was talking and the more she talked the more I wanted to hit her; I’d never hit a woman in my life but if she didn’t just stop and leave I was going to lose it! I paced the bedroom and tried to focus on happier times but all I kept seeing is her on my couch smiling and giggling because of another man.  The more I thought about it the angrier I became!

“Fuck!” I slammed my fist into the wall, it hurt like hell but I wasn’t going to let her see that.

“Fuck!” When it happened on TV the wall broke, the wall was fine, it was my hand that felt broke.

“Wow! You’re actually capable of getting mad! Capable of showing emotion! Do you really want me to leave?! I’ve been good to you, I’ve stood by you through the mood swings and late nights! Through the bullshit publishers and changing careers! I’ve been here! You’re going to talk to me GOTDAMMIT!!!”

I shook my hand and took a deep breath. “I don’t have shit to say to you Raquel, just leave!”

“Why is it so hard for you to fight for me?! To tell me you want me to stay!? How can you be so in love with me last night and today you can just want me to leave because I was talking to another man! How about you talk to me!? Can you do that please! Can you tell me why the hell writing is so much more important than me!? Please! Please!”

How the hell did I not see this coming? How did I not know she was feeling this way?!

“For once in your life! Don’t walk away from something that you can’t control! You expect perfection from everyone around you, loyalty but when I’m asking you to fight for me! To show me you care you just shut me out! He didn’t touch me! I would never let another man touch me but I needed someone to talk to! Can’t you understand that?!”

I grabbed her arms and pinned her against the wall!

She wasn’t trying to push me off of her, even with all this I still hated to see her cry. Was this my fault?

“Why did you tell me? Why did you tell me there was someone else?”

“I’m telling you because you need to know you can’t take me for granted! Because I don’t want anyone else but I’m tired of feeling like I’m always running in second! You know I love your writing and I love how passionate you are about it but there are days when I need more baby! Don’t shut me out! Please! I love you!”

 

To Be Continued…