Love Isn’t Always Being Strong Enough To Stay; Often Times It’s Being Strong Enough To Let Go

I’m not sure how old I was when I started to relate to love songs. Not understand what sex was or heartbreak was but I listened to the words and could literally relate them to my own relationships and situations. Love is universal, you can speak different languages and be from different religions and still understand what your heart is speaking.

If you’re at home or at work or hiding in the bathroom trying to get a break from the kids, I want you to imagine with me. Imagine where you would be right now if you didn’t let go of a love you thought was irreplaceable? Imagine if you didn’t find the strength to leave that guy that wasn’t affectionate enough, the woman that only called when she needed something. Imagine if God would have answered your prayers when you said you couldn’t live without him. Happy Endings aren’t always relationships prospering, sometimes the Happy Ending is you being able to walk away.

We live in this world now where technology has made everyone feel more closely connected when the truth is technology is often a barrier to the connections we so deeply seek. Twenty years ago if you hurt someone you love you called their house and when they didn’t answer you went to them. You talked or argued, you broke up or made up, but it was real. Now not answering the phone means text and tweets and Facebook post. Relationships that should have ended just thrive in limbo.

I believe I’m going to be an amazing writer not because I can create characters out of thin air. I believe I will be an amazing writer because I’m transparent like every great writer before me. You have to take off the mask and the filter and tell your story. The good, the bad, the ugly. It won’t always be flattering and romantic but it will be a story people can relate to.

It doesn’t make you weak to fight for someone you love when you don’t feel like they’re fighting as hard for you. It doesn’t make you a savage to tell someone that will give their last to you, “This isn’t working anymore.” We have become a generation that gets our advice from meme’s and actors that give us words we want to hear instead of getting advice from our hearts.

When the day comes that you feel more comfortable sharing your day with strangers or friends then with the person you’re with. Sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself. That’s not only loving the person you’re with but loving yourself enough to know, it’s time to let go.

An Open Letter to My Brothers

black women

Keisha, Alexandria and Natasha

Dear Black Men,

Donald Trump created an entire fake University just to rip people off and he’s one of two people in America that are vying to become our President. A white college male in California raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster and is basically getting 3 months. As I’m tying this a black man is probably getting sentenced to years over weed when it’s legal in several states and most cities don’t even arrest you for small amounts anymore. These are all facts and these are all things that need to be addressed. I am not addressing them in this letter. In this letter I want to talk about the three woman that were murdered this week by men that look like you and I. Not because of gang violence, not because of police but because of domestic violence and this idea that, “If I can’t have you, no one can.”

Earlier this week I talked about how there has never been a race of women that existed that love black men more than black women. They will literally sacrifice their last for us, our mothers, our sisters, our aunts but more than anything; the women that love us in a romantic way. When a woman loves you, it’s with her entire being. She feels your pain and love in her soul and what’s hers is yours. The thing is though, if you don’t appreciate it, you’ll lose it and once you lose it, you have to her go.

Someone is going to read this and think that I’m saying all black men are woman beaters or all black men look the other way when it comes to domestic violence. Someone will read this and say, “What about white men?” “What about police?” Let me be clear. I speak to black men when it comes to protecting black women because no one else will. This week, three black women were shot and killed by men that should have been protecting them whether they were together or not. If a woman is the mother of your children, you should always want to make sure she’s good. We are spending too much time and energy fighting each other when we need to be looking out for each other.

If my friend or my brother or a co-worker tell me they are having problems at home or problems getting over a breakup. It’s my job as a man to talk to them, to see where their head is at. It’s my job and responsibility to let them know, “Bro, let shorty go, it’s going to be alright. You weren’t good to her when you had her and now that she’s finally happy you want to terrorize her even more?”

Black women used to give themselves to slave owners just so black men wouldn’t get beat or sold. When black men were getting lynched and locked up in the 50’s and 60’s, black women bailed us out and picked up the picket signs. When drugs hit the community and entire neighborhoods and cities lost black men to prison; our women held our sons and daughters together. Even now, with every other rap lyric and social media debate attacking black women, they’ve never let our side. So it’s up to us as men to stop looking the other way when we see domestic violence. When we see our brother, our friend, is about to lose it. We can’t laugh it off or belittle him. We have to make him understand, let her go.

I get sick to my stomach having to prove I’m not a criminal every time I get pulled over. Having to prove I’m qualified every time I work on a new project at work. Having to wait just a tad bit longer for my meal at a nice restaurant because, “He’s probably not going to tip well.” But what really kills me is watching little black boys and girls be raised without a mother. We have to fight the world everyday, we can’t fight each other.

I’m aware all three of these women weren’t murdered by ex’s in their lives. But they are still black women that were taken too soon. Domestic violence and domestic terrorism are the same to me. 

It’s All Love,

Demez

Strive for Relationship Realities Not Relationship Goals

blog pic10It’s amazing how women can become so invested in television. Or books or movies, you name it. There have been times where we have sat and watched The Walking Dead and she got teary eyed over a zombie tearing away at someone. Making fun of her, calling her a baby. Her laughing, wiping tears, telling you to shut up. Relationship Realities.

blog pic8Couples have silly fights right? Well we had two recently that lead to WW3 and you know what they started over? Me watching the first episode of House of Cards without her and me getting her a tuna sub from Subway. This is going to add to me sucking as a boyfriend but I had no idea she watched House of Cards or didn’t eat tuna. After we yelled and threatened to disable Netflix we laughed about it. Now I know and knowing is half the battle. It’s dope learning new things about someone you adore.

blog pic7I may have one of the worst immune systems known to mankind. When I get sick I stay sick forever! I’ve been to the doctor to make sure there’s not a bigger problem going on but I guess I’m just a sucker for runny noses and scratchy throats. Romantic dates, holding hands on Christmas Eve in the mall. Those are all cool. You never reach that level of trust until you see someone sick. Warm vomit hitting your hand because you’re late with the trash can.Dirty tissues, chapped lips. It’s not for the faint of hearts but it’s growth and it’s reality.

blog pic6Dumb fights are the staple of most relationships. You are literally huffing and puffing and vowing to go to war and two hours later you can’t even remember what you were fighting over. Two hours later she’s lying under you on the couch when there’s furniture everywhere else in the house but she’s only trying to be where you are.

blog pic4Laughing is good for the soul. That’s all.

4 Reasons You Don’t Want A Good Man

If you made it pass the title and are reading this, I won’t play with your emotions. This isn’t a blog about why women don’t want “good men,” it’s a blog about why being a good man is becoming as cliche as saying, “I’m giving 100%.”

You want to know what kind of man constantly has to remind the world and women that he’s a “good man?” The sort of man that sweats insecurity and has to mask it by letting the world know he is who he thinks he is. I’m not a good man, if I’m being honest, I’m probably more flawed than most. But what I am is a man that recognizes my faults and is willing to try.

Four- I said it earlier but if a man is constantly telling you how good of a catch he is or how he’s this great guy you should probably run. It’s sort of like those women that put, “Kim ‘Beautiful’ Jones as their Facebook name. Do women that get 10 inboxes a day and have exes from 2007 still sending text like, “So what do you want for Christmas?” Have to say, “I’m beautiful? Nah. If you’re that dude or that women, people know. Believe me.

Three- Good guys have the tendency to be “yes men.” A lot of women think they want a man that’s going to cater to them but it’s sort of like eating a food you love every night of the week. Eventually you’ll just get tired of it. Guys that cater to a woman’s every need forget one thing. Half the time women don’t know what they want themselves and they need aggression, conflict, tension, force. They need for a man to take control and say “I told your ass no! You’re not going out tonight. Now take off those clothes, get back on this couch and let’s watch this episode of Empire we DVR’d.”

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Two- Good guys let the better man win. Or sometimes he doesn’t even have to be the better man. He could just be the man that’s going harder for her affections than he is. It’s the “honorable” thing to do. Women aren’t playing games or trying to make you see how valuable she is when she decides to entertain another man. Sometimes it’s as simple as, men get comfortable and stop being the man that we were when you got her. It’s okay to fight for the woman you believe is destined to have your children. It’s okay to let your testosterone ring and tell that guy, “If you call my girl again, I’ll beat your ass.” Being a man isn’t always about taking the high road or being a good guy. Sometimes it’s just about letting that animalistic instinct out and being a man in our most primitive form.

One- Good guys worry about hurting women. Every man should want to worry about hurting women but when you love hard, when you love on a level that has no boundaries. Sometimes there are casualties. Good guys take off clothes slowly and wait till she’s had a shower and is comfortable. It’s necessary sometimes to rip the buttons on that blouse she loves, to kiss her and push her up against a door after she’s been at work for 9 hours. It’s okay to tell her the truth and make her cry when all she needed was for you to lie to her while she vents. Love isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always nice and good. Sometimes love is harsh and rough and nasty but that love is perfectly imperfect.

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

A lot of people think relationships are like romantic comedies. You meet someone, you realize you’re falling in love, you live happily ever after. The longer I was single the more I started to see having a girlfriend and potentially a wife as this perfect situation. When I met her and realized I was falling in love, realized I didn’t want her giving another man the feeling she was giving me it was the easiest thing in the world to make that commitment. To tell her, “Baby, I don’t want anyone else, you’re my world now.” That was in the beginning. Over time though we’ve settled into a routine and life happened.

We still have amazing sex but now it’s twice a week instead of damn near every night. I still wake up before her and watch her sleep at times but I don’t slide my hand under the sheets as much. We talk, we text, we laugh but the passion. The passion that came into our lives like a tidal wave just didn’t drown us like it did before.

Sitting in a meeting, trying to focus on work, all I could think about was how did we get here? I could live with arguing or fighting but this was different. We were becoming boring, comfortable. I wish I could say it was all her, she didn’t send the same pictures she used to send. “I’m not going to have a hacker having my ass on the internet. You see it every night so why do you need pictures?” She loves me, she still cooks and worries, there isn’t a selfish bone in her body but it’s just different. I still bring home flowers but now it just feels like a chore. Trying to remember the last time I picked her up in the middle of the day for lunch, I couldn’t. I used to do that for her once a week.

Seeing her name pop up on my phone with a video attached I put it back in my pocket. It was probably a video of a cat with a baseball cap on or a wedding dance that she thought was perfectly cute. Finishing the meeting, a little small talk, my phone vibrated again. “So I guess you didn’t like my video. I better send it to someone that does.” Wanting more than anything to avoid a fight I clicked on the video and my eyes immediately shot to the door because in a matter of seconds I couldn’t control what was happening in my pants. He woke up and anyone that would have walked into my office would have went to human resources with the quickness.

Where the bed was in our guest room was now replaced with a pole. A chair was sitting in the corner and music was playing in the background. “I know we’ve been in a funk lately, I don’t want us to be that couple. I’m saving a seat for you but until you get here I’ve learned a trick or two. So sit back and enjoy.” Sitting on the edge of my desk, watching my wife move her body to the music like she could perform at any club in Houston my mouth literary watered. A ripped up tank top and panties, she spun and bounced and dropped and when she sat in the chair and licked her finger and said, “I guess I have to get started without you.” What came next made me stop the video and tell my boss I had to go home right now!

Walking in the door, candles lit everywhere, the curtains closed. Music playing throughout the house; I walked to the guest room having to stop myself from running. Opening the door, seeing the pole, seeing the chair, handcuffs lying on the floor who was this woman because she wasn’t the wife I knew? Walking into the kitchen, seeing her on her tippy toes in that same tank top, in those same panties. Moving her body to the music while she cooked I just watched. She knew I was watching, the closer I got to her the harder she bounced it, shook it. Turning around and looking me in my eyes, “You must have watched the video. This isn’t free just because you’re my husband. Get on your knees and tell her you’re sorry for not waking her up in the morning like she’s used to. Tell her you’re sorry for not taking her to lunch once a week and after you tell her you’re sorry, give her a kiss.”

That half a day turned into us calling in the next day and rediscovering what we loved about each other’s bodies. Letting the nastiness settle in and the comfort level take us to places we’ve never went to. You don’t start looking for someone else when things go left; you fix what’s worth fixing. What’s worth fighting for.

Some People Work Things Out and Some Just Don’t Know When to Change

Some People Work Things Out and Some Just Don’t Know When to Change
“You should never change for a person, make the change for yourself.” I’m not sure whose words these are but they aren’t true even though I hear people saying them all the time. Part of growing up is changing but more than that it’s changing for the right reason and often times that reason is another person.

Top Five Reasons to Give Up

1. There’s always someone else, I have options. I can replace her in a heartbeat!
2. She wasn’t special anyway. Her ears were too big, her breasts were saggy without a bra. She waited too long to offer me a drink when I walked in the door.
3. I’m too young to settle down, I have plenty of time.
4. Love shouldn’t be this hard, love comes easy.
5. I’m tired, I need a break.

None of those reasons make much sense when you compare them to what you’re losing. Just because we have options doesn’t mean we have to take advantage of those options. Not every woman is replaceable, you may find someone that is as attractive as her, that’s more sexual than her. You could find a woman that does more for you financially or mentally. If you look hard enough you may even find someone that is just a better person that her. The problem is can you find someone that put it all together like she did? Chemistry doesn’t come in the form of one or two traits that look good on paper. Chemistry comes when the sum of the parts come together in this perfect harmony.

Every woman is two women, you have the “date” her and the “comfortable” her. The date her is the one that’s on point. The push up bra has them sitting right, the nails and hair and conversation just works. Those first couple dates you see her at her absolute best. Then there’s the comfortable her, the her that’s still beautiful but there’s no makeup, maybe they aren’t sitting so perfectly when the bra comes off. There will be days where she needs her hair fixed and her attitude is just horrible. These are the days you should love her the most because I promise you she isn’t showing too many people this side of her.

Guys are running around here at 45 talking about, “I’m too young to settle down.” I’m going to need you all to chill, when the right person comes alone there’s no such things as “too young.” Don’t get me wrong, do I think you should get married before you have lived a little, dated a little, gotten a feel for what you want. Of course I don’t but I do think part of settling down means we get past this Peter Pan mentally. If you’re single, enjoy it! Live it up and have fun! What you shouldn’t do though is walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you because you just want to have fun.

The same people that say, “It’s not working if you love it,” are the same people that love to say, “When you really love someone you don’t have to try.” I don’t care how much I love writing, when I’m sleepy at 3am and I have deadlines and worn eyes and have cancelled two dates this week, that’s work. The same goes for love, if you show me a person that has a perfect relationship; I’ll show you a person that’s in denial. Relationships take more work than most of us single people realize, I think what happens is when you’re far removed you remember the good or bad stuff. What you don’t remember is most relationships take place in the grey.

Giving up means one thing, you quit on someone. Once you need a break or quit there’s no bouncing back. It’ll always be broken now.

Life is simple. You either work it out or you keep living in ways that are self destructive that just won’t make you happy. You can’t work things out if you aren’t willing to change the bad stuff about you.

Her future ring.

Her future ring.

Emotional Cheating is Worse…

Emotional Cheating…

I’m going to write this from a male’s point of view even though most of my readers are women; you all will still get the point I promise.

Cheating is cheating, we all know this. Going on a date even if there isn’t one body part that touches another person, it’s cheating. Kisses with an ex, sex on Spring Break or in Vegas with some woman that lives clear across the country, it’s all cheating.

But…

This is what we all think but never really say. Sex is simply an act and if people would leave the texting, emails and internet alone most would never get caught. Especially if it’s a one time, safe act or if it happens with a close friend or a child’s father or the mother.

I’m not condoning it, I’m simply saying it’s a lot easier to remove yourself from a lustful man or woman than it is to remove yourself from a mental and emotional connection. And this is where I get to my point about emotional cheating.

I’m an articulate man, I always have been. I see things other men don’t see, if you’re a woman that always wears dark colors I’ll notice the day you wear pink or yellow. If you’re a wine drinker I’ll notice when you order a hard drink. Women love that about me because most of the time it’s something their man doesn’t do. I’m not saying that in a bragging way or an arrogant way, it’s just the way it is.

And what tends to happen is a FB status or note leads to an inbox message and that leads to a phone number and that leads to a call or text. The conversations become really serious really fast because I’m not the “let me see it type.” I don’t really go after sex from women that I talk to because I sort of feel that that comes in time if it’s meant to go that route.

So what happens is they or I should say we become emotionally invested in each other. She calls and tells me about her problems, I listen and give good advice, I make sure to never knock her man or to tell her to leave because that’s probably what all her friends are saying.

I make the conversations about her and what she wants and likes and needs. I do it on purpose because men and women alike need to feel important, we need to feel like our wants and desires matter.

See, I can talk to my boys all day and a woman can talk to her girls all day but there is nothing like a mature conversation between a man and a woman. Her coming to me and saying, “Mez, I’m not happy, I love him and I don’t want to leave but I’m not happy.” She needs someone to relate to that, to understand that without judging her or trying to get some ass.

I provide that and I provide it well because I don’t have a woman and I thrive off conversation and making someone feel good. I love giving compliments and meeting for drinks, texting and hearing her laugh. I’m doing what her man should be doing in a respectable manner and because there is no sex, no disrespect per say. We both think it’s okay.

But is it okay? Seriously?

We’re talking all the time, she’s worried about me when I’m not around. I’m worried about her when I don’t hear from her. Yeah, there’s no sex, there’s no hidden moments where I should feel guilty but the emotional connection has been made. And with that comes a sense of care of vulnerability that will lead to something else.

This is what I’ve always understood about women and what I try to tell men all the time; the easiest thing in the world to do is to arouse a woman that’s attracted to you physically. But that doesn’t last if she’s not going to find you interesting. But if you get her mind and she starts to trust you and see traits in you that she knows her man doesn’t have. It’s now a competition and it shouldn’t be.

Because she loves him and he loves her and I’m simply a friend. A friend that she’s now come to depend on for emotional support, laughter, mental stimulation. And things start to change.

Before if she had a bad day, she called him, now she calls me.

Before if she had a great day, she called him, now she texts me.

And just like that it’s emotional cheating.

And that shit is dangerous because words are dangerous. I’m a sexual guy, I love the idea of turning someone on in an intelligent way and I get off on doing that. So if I know she’s weak and tired of his bullshit, I might say something that will lead us down that path. And that’s not right, even though we may have known each other for months the cheating started the moment we started talking about things she should have been talking about with him.

And lets just say it never comes to sex, it never comes to kissing or licking or anything. It remains emotional. That’s still bad because if he hurts her I’m going to want to hurt him and if some woman does me dirty, she’s going to catch feelings and want to say something.

Emotional Cheating is not worse but more dangerous than just sex.

Because it’s harder to walk away and if you fuck someone one time and that’s it, it’s rare that I’ll find out. But if there is a year or months worth of emotional emails and texts, cute pictures of her trying on clothes or at work.

Shit is going to get real when he finds out and if I’m emotionally invested, I wouldn’t even care because I care about her at this point. That’s why being charming in a friendly way can be dangerous. So if you have a problem with your man or woman, talk about it and keep it moving.

But don’t invite another person into your mind, heart and soul.

I’m late for drinks so I don’t have time to edit this, excuse any errors.

Thank You…