Stop Waiting Until You’re the Best Version of Yourself Before You Let Someone Love You

thumbnail_img_2527 Yesterday I saw a lot of people that weren’t feeling Valentine’s Day. I’m not here to jump inside the minds of these people but I do know a lot of them didn’t seem very happy. Some were bitter, some were down right mean and a lot were genuinely sad. The ones that stuck out to me the most were the ones that want all of us to know they’re waiting on themselves. “What’s the matter with me building myself up and finding myself before I find love?”

I feel like being transparent today. The sort of honesty that’s uncomfortable but necessary at times. I think it’s bulls*it when I hear guys say, “I’m not trying to be in a relationship or date or take any women serious because I’m trying to get myself together first.” I think that’s bullsh*t because I was once that guy and the logic makes no sense. Think about it, women make us better, they always have. If you’re working and trying and you meet an amazing woman. Are you letting her go because you’re making salary instead of owning your own business? She’s probably the piece of the puzzle that’s going to get you your own business.

I can’t take any man seriously that’s afraid to love a woman. That’s afraid to be vulnerable, that’s afraid to take a chance on what could be the most amazing experience of your life. I see these guys that pretend they aren’t ready for anything serious because they simply want to be better prepared for their “future wife.” That would be noble if you weren’t sleeping with women, lying to women, leading women on. You can’t pretend to be this man of principle when you’re a whole man thot out here. It takes courage to stop looking for notches and options and to start investing in a dope ass woman.

Anything I write, I write from a place of experience. It’s not a good feeling knowing that there are women out there that really liked me and I was an ain’t sh*t dude to them. It’s not a good feeling having an amazing woman ride for me and people remind her of my past. These are things I have to live with and part of my journey is learning to forgive myself and being honest in my writing. It’s not okay to ignore love because you think you may find better or you want to go play. Grow up and when you have someone that makes your heart flutter and wants the best for you, take her hand and take that journey. Maybe it doesn’t work but you tried and you loved and you’ll crave that feeling again.

Yesterday was my two year anniversary and she’s pushed me in ways I didn’t know I could be pushed. That doesn’t mean there weren’t times where I thought I would lose my mind but that does mean there has never been a time where I questioned whether or not she had my back. I’m a better man not just because I’m older or wiser but because I’m in a relationship that matters.

Relationships matter.

An Open Letter to the Father’s That Weren’t There; It’s Not too Late

img_0173I didn’t want to post this on yesterday because I believe that Father’s Day is reserved for the men that deserve to get recognition. The ones that takes turns getting up at night when the baby is crying. The dads that have to rush home from work to get to little league practices and then help with homework because mom has to cook dinner. Those men deserve all the days of being spoiled they can get.

Life isn’t lunch meat or milk. There’s no expiration date on when you can say, “I need to start over,” or “I want to make things right.” There are so many father’s out here that weren’t there when their children were kids and they don’t know how to make that right. It’s too late for ice cream and Barbie dolls or GI Joes. It’s too late for camping in the backyard and little league games. So they just let year after year go until they’re strangers to the people that share their DNA. Not realizing it’s never too late to at the very least have a friendship.

Holding grudges against your father for not being there only hurts you. I spent years trying to be a better man than my father and in the end I’m no better than him because the ultimate character of a man is to be able to forgive. A lot of our father’s just weren’t ready for fatherhood. They didn’t know how to be dads and by the time they were willing to try or realized their mistakes it was too late. At least in their eyes. So it’s up to us to reach out to them, maybe we’ll never have the father/ son relationship we craved as children but there’s value in becoming their friend. In getting to know where you came from. There’s value in your children knowing where they came from.

The easiest thing in the world is to make a mistake or screw up and walk away. Saying to yourself, “They were good without me as children, so why would they need me as teenagers or adults?” Just because a child grows up doesn’t mean he or she ever stops being your child. Even if it’s just a phone call once a week or Sunday dinner at Popeye’s, that quality time does wonders.

You Can’t Cover A Gunshot Wound with A Band-Aid; So Why Cover A Broken Heart with One

heartbreak

Imagine someone you love with all your heart. Someone you would give your last for. Standing in front of you smiling and laughing and turning you on and in the blink of an eye they pull out a gun and shoot you in your chest. You don’t know why they shot you but you know you’re lying on the ground bleeding to death. They don’t call an ambulance, they don’t try and stop they blood. They simply give you a hug, say they’re sorry and ask you what’s for dinner. That makes no sense right? Even though we do it every day in relationships.

Have you ever broken a body part, cut your hand on a piece of broken glass? It takes time to heal and even when it heals, a lot of times you have to teach your body how to use it again. It’s months, years in some cases before you’re feeling right. In some cases, your body will never be the same. Hearts work the same way. It takes time for that heart to rebound from the shock of being split in a thousand pieces and once you put it back together, it’s never going to be the same.

Why do men lie when almost every woman since Eve has said, “All I want is the truth, no matter how harsh it is?” I can’t speak for most men but let me tell you why I would lie. In my mind I thought, “What I’ve done is pretty bad, if I tell her the truth she’s going to leave or it’ll break her heart. But if I lie, she’s going to stay and we’ll be happy.” The problem with that logic is that even if a woman can’t prove or doesn’t know for sure; female intuition is undefeated. She may not “know” but she knows. The truth may be uncomfortable, it may be ugly, but it gives her options. Lying robs her of those options and in turn robs that relationship of being built on something real.

Love and by extension women are not toys that you play with when you feel like it, it breaks, you lose it, you just go buy another one that you like better or that’s newer. There are consequences to breaking valuable things. Walking away and starting over sounds appealing until you realize you’ll never get in that new woman what you had in the old one. And furthermore, even though that woman is “old” to you. She’s new to another man. How many times have you been chilling with a woman, having a good time, laughing and her phone starts blowing up? She rolls her eyes and says, “It’s no one.” That guy on his third glass of whiskey, wondering why she isn’t responding. He’s the guy that thought he could do better. He’s the guy that didn’t want to put in the work to repair what he’d broken. Don’t be that guy. He has cable, be the guy that has Direct TV.

The Arrogance of A Man

dwhiteEven the smartest man can be a fool and not even know it.

Living life blind to the resentment, to the needs of those closest to his heart.

The arrogance of believing that Camelot won’t come crashing down.

The arrogance of believing that what was once pure cannot become tainted.

 

The best of intentions become clouded by the worst of judgements.

The most confident decisions become blinded by moments of insecurity and inadequacy gift wrapped in lies and deception.

The most memorable moments become soaked in insincerity.

The love becomes resentment.

 

Her own arrogance, her own ego, tell her what she needs to do. Tell her what she has to do. To not only win but to survive.

None of those are stronger than her heart. For heart betrays her and her resentment doesn’t push away love but embraces love and makes the hurt that much more painful.

“Do you know how many I have turned down?”

“Do you know how they look at me?”

“Do you know what you did to me?”

More questions than an SAT exam and not nearly enough answers.

More doubt than a tied football game in the closing seconds but there can be no winner.

 

Looking into her eyes, her tears tearing a hole in his soul, her anguish ripping at the fabric of his manhood.

Wanting to fix it all in one night, wanting to heal it all in one moment.

Needing to turn back the hands of time and give her the time she’d been cheated of. Give her the opportunities taken away from her like a thief in the night.

Wanting her to hate him so that she wouldn’t seem so perfect, even in her pain.

 

The arrogance of a man goes against forgiveness.

The love of a woman embraces it.

Knowing that a man could touch her or inhale her after him cuts like a sword through flesh and bone and hurts just as much.

Knowing that her love was no longer guaranteed.

His arrogance died.

3 Differences Between Being Happy and Being Content

Happiness like anything else is subjective. Some people can have a million dollars in the bank and crave affection. Some people can have all the affection in the world and crave money; there’s no perfect formula to happiness, you just know it when you find it. Often times we’re so dead set on finding happiness that we mistake being content for nirvana.

Three- Contentment is fleeting; you’ll have moments where you feel like you’re on top of the world and moments where you don’t want to get out of bed. Happiness doesn’t work like that. You don’t smile today and cry tomorrow, you don’t feel moments of happiness, every moment is happiness. Being content is like a drug, it gives you a temporary high but it’s a high that isn’t sustainable. So you keep having to do more and more just to smile until you crash.

TwoIMG_0112– Contentment stifles ambition. You may go to work and do your job but you stop searching and reaching for better. You convince yourself you haven’t given up because you still get up and clock in every morning but in your heart you know you’ve settled for where you are in life. When you’re happy the journey is so enjoyable. You want to push those doors open and push those boundaries. Someone telling you no doesn’t even matter because your happy is telling you that a yes is around the corner.

One- Contentment leads to isolation. First it starts with canceling plans because you’re tired, then you start to alienate yourself from the people that love you. Before you know it you’re spending so much time alone that it feels normal. There’s not a lot of happiness to be found in being alone, we weren’t built for isolation. Happiness is infectious, you want to talk to people and share good news. You want to go the park or have drinks on a patio on a pretty day, not in a dark room.

 

It’s Okay to Forgive Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

People often talk and write about forgiving others when they wrong you. Learning to take back control of your emotions, learning to trust and love again. You see it when fathers break the hearts of their children, you see it when men or women fall out of love with their spouses or lovers. Leaving them to pick up the pieces. It’s not an easy thing to learn to trust and live again.

This morning I want to write about another aspect of those scenarios though. I want to write about learning to forgive yourself when you do wrong to others.

I’ve treated people I loved badly, did things to hurt them. I’ve taken women I could have had great situations with for granted and watched them lose interest. Friendships have come to an end because of my pride and foolish idea of respect and what a man should be. I spent so much time trying to make these people understand I was sorry, trying to get back what I lost that I forget to forgive myself. All you can do, all any of us can do is say we’re sorry and ask for forgiveness or another chance. If that doesn’t happen: cry, scream, drink and if God can forgive you, then you can forgive you. You’ll never forget how you hurt them but remembering their hurt will allow you never to hurt anyone like that again.

Life is never going to be this black and white, right and wrong concept of humanity. This isn’t a Disney movie or romantic comedy. Life will and always will be lived in the grey. Doing the right thing often times isn’t the best thing for us. Sometimes to make one person happy or even yourself happy you’re going to have to hurt others. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an adult.

~ Demez F. White

A Letter A Week

Dear You,

Writing to you have me peace of mind. When I got my first magazine cover I wrote to you that night. I talked about how nervous I was, how excited I was. I heard your voice telling me you were proud of me.

The first time one of scripts got picked up I wrote about us celebrating over a glass of champagne. I can’t even remember the name of the woman I went out with that night but I remember the exact words I wrote to you.

It was a couple of weeks before my grandfather died; maybe a month. The ambulance workers knocked on my door at 5am. They were at the wrong house. I write to you that morning telling you how scared I was. How I didn’t want him in pain but I wasn’t ready for him to go.

Some weeks weren’t that serious. I’d just write about how I miss your sex appeal. Your flirting, the phone sex and pictures. How you’re the best muse I’ve ever known.

Other weeks were easier. Calmer. Those were the weeks I could think clearly with my mind and know we weren’t any good for each other. Know there was no trust between us.

I hesitate to call them love letters because I’m not sure I love you. I just think its easy to talk to you. This past year I’ve spent so much time alone that writing to a ghost is easier than cultivating a new relationship.

Today will be my last time writing to you. I need to let you go in my heart. I let you go physically a long time ago but mentally you’re still here. Until I do that I’ll never be able to give another woman a real chance.

I’ll still think about you from time to time when I see your bestfriend post pictures of you on Instagram. I’ll still pray for your happiness. I just can’t use you as a standard anymore. You’re not the best woman I’ve ever known, just the most influential.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

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Walking Thru Old Doors…

rbvs0170617Comfort is attractive.

It’s why we have those broke in gym shoes that we love to wear or that dirty baseball cap. Night gowns that have seen better days and t-shirts that got washed one too many times. When something is comfortable it is almost impossible to let it go.

There’s this familiarity with it, who likes starting from scratch? Having to get to know someone all over again, asking 21 questions and waiting for someone’s representative to leave. It’s not fun and especially when you’re lonely or bored the temptation to go back to what’s comfortable can be deafening.

So many people are tempted to walk thru those old doors because in life it’s so much easier to dance with the devil we know. Six months of no sex, no kissing, no comfort. Six months of so so dates or bullshit dates. Over time you stop forgetting why it fell apart and what you miss about them. Over time you forget why you fell out of love and start remembering why you fell in love so you walk thru those old doors.

For a week, for a month, you feel good. You start to regret even walking away in the first place but that feeling is a mirage, that comfort isn’t true. It doesn’t take long to realize they haven’t changed, it’s the same package in new wrapping. Why put yourself thru that when there’s so many other knobs just ready and waiting to be turned.

When we know someone can turn us on, when we know they know what food comforts us when we had a bad day at work. All our friends and family like them or maybe our friends and family have never met them but there’s just something about them that comforts us. That’s not an easy thing to recreate. Those moments don’t just happen overnight. They take time and effort and isn’t it easier to not put in time and effort?

We often judge each other for going back to people that lied, cheated, stole, straight broke hearts! We judge them knowing we’ve probably been in the same situation and did the same exact thing. If you love someone maybe you just have to stand back and let them walk thru those old doors and see for themselves.

As a man the hardest thing ever is knowing a woman is amazing. Knowing she’s a beast in bed, smart, giving, thoughtful and cooks. Knowing she has all these things going for her and for some reason there’s just not the love there that she needs. Knowing that no matter how great she is you’ll never really be in love with her. It’s hard because even though you don’t want her, you don’t like the idea of another man touching her, the idea of another man eating her food or seeing her in panties. You leave that door open for her to come in knowing it’s only out of selfishness. Knowing she’s going to hate you for playing with her.

Walking thru those doors rarely works out. Remember that the next time you have a couple of drinks and his/her name starts looking tempting in that phone.

Demez F. White
@authordwhite on Twitter

Fatherless Sons…

imagesCALO9ZIKI often wonder if I would be a better man had I had my father in my life. Would I be more evenly keeled emotionally and spiritually? Would I be able to hug my grandfather when I see him in the hospital? No matter what substitute a mother can come up with, no matter how many aunts and uncles and stepfathers… There’s really no equal to the love and admiration a son wants to have for his father. The man you share DNA with, the man that helped create you regardless of the situation.

You know what terrifies me? As much as I try to be the exact opposite of him, I see so much of him in myself. How do you rectify that? How do I fight what’s in my blood, what’s in my genetic makeup? How do I stop drinking or stop pushing people away when they get too close? Do you know how many hearts I probably broke in 2012? How many women were disappointed because I wasn’t there enough or didn’t call back after a date?

The easiest thing in the world to me is making a woman smile and putting words together. There are times where I feel like that’s what God put on this earth for but there’s a catch to that. When you’re given great talents often times they come with great responsibilities. I write about sex and emotion and passion. There are times when I feel like I should be writing about injustice and freedom and love. You know how cool it would be to pick up the phone and ask my father what he thinks I should do? To tell him I met a woman and I really like her but I fucked up. To tell him that my grandfather is sick and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Boys become men and men still have questions…

What if I have a son and I’m like him? What if I become what I hate? You know how many nights I sit up at night and think about that? How many women I’ve discarded because I felt like their lives would be better with men that could give them their all.

I’d never kill myself, I love life too much. But there are moments when I go way to hard for way too long knowing that I might not make it. I’m smiling as I think about those moments because who else was it but God that saved me from myself?

In the barbershop the other day my brother told me that my father wanted my phone number. He didn’t give it to him because he knows me, he knows that I’m not a very forgiving person, I’m sort of heartless at times. Other men our age were listening to our conversation talking about how they forgave their fathers for not being there. They talked about being the bigger man and forgiving them because maybe our fathers didn’t know how to be men. How to raise sons… I listened to them, to the sincerity in their voices and you know what I thought? I thought they were weak for forgiving. I thought our fathers don’t deserve redemption. And as I sit here alone and on the verge of being drunk for the night… Maybe I’m the one that they should pity. Because a man that can’t forgive is a man that will never be capable of loving.

A Life For A Life…

Standing outside my car, my face itching from a desperately needed shave , lips chapped. My jacket soaked from the rain that was showing no signs of letting up, I watched them.

I didn’t try to hide or blend in. I just leaned against the car, flask in my left pocket, 9 millimeter in my right. Maybe if it wasn’t pouring the people leaving Discovery Green would have noticed my red eyes.

Maybe if they hadn’t been downing margaritas and beers all day they would seen how out of place I was in the black camouflage jacket and steel toe boots.

She hugged his arm as they walked to his car, it wasn’t an urgent walk or run like the people around them. They walked like they were savoring every moment together. Her dress was stuck to her body, every curve showing. Every other step or so his hand would find her back or ass, she’d smile or giggle.

He opened her door first but before they got in they kissed. A hungry kiss, an ‘I can’t wait until we get home kiss.’ When he got in the car they kissed again. He was trying to start the car but it wouldn’t start. I cut the battery cable and fuel line.

He got out and opened the hood of the sedan. I finished the last of the VSOP in the flask and threw it to the ground. Holding the heavy black gun in my right by my side I walked towards him. He was having trouble seeing in the rain, I wasn’t. When I stepped onto the street our eyes met. She put her hand over her mouth and stepped out the car.

He heard her scream and looked up. The gun was a foot away from his face, he didn’t know me but he knew of me.

“You don’t have to do this bro!”

He was scared, the cockiness and vibrato he had the one time I talked to him on the phone was gone. He didn’t know what this was about but she did. She stood in front of him and he let her.

For the first time I saw the ring on her finger. It wasn’t fear in her eyes, it was sadness.

“I’m sorry. You don’t want this! You’ll spend the rest of your life in prison. I’m not worth that!”

She was right, she wasn’t worth it. But the day she took the life of my child so that she could be with another man… She knew her penance was coming.

“A life for a life Manda.”

I pulled the trigger. He fell to the ground. She screamed, people on their way home from a Saturday Funday screamed. She fell to her knees, her purple floral dress covered in a crimson red.

“I life for a life.”

Putting the gun to my head. I smiled, knowing she’d live with this the rest of her life and that I’d finally have peace gave me calm.

I pulled the trigger.