Why Can’t Your Man Do It? Friendships Change When You’re In A Relationship; As They Should

IMG_0701 Why Can’t Your Man Do It? Friendships Change When You’re In A Relationship; As They Should

It’s a valid question. “Why can’t your man do it? It may seem awkward coming from a man you’ve been friends with for years but it’s a legit question. You need your inspection sticker, you need your car washed, you need a ride to the airport at 5am? The guy you could have called at any time to be there for you is now asking you, “Why can’t your man do it?” You look at the phone like, “You’ve done it a million times before, I didn’t think I needed to give you an explanation.”

If you’re over 25 reading this you’ve been at the point in your life where you were single and you have that seriously cool friend of the opposite sex. You want to go to LA for your birthday, you call your friend. There’s no awkward “we almost kissed moments.” There’s no, “I know we’re just friends but…” It’s strictly platonic and you two just genuinely like each other’s company. Concerts, lunch’s, 2am conversations about life and disappointments and dreams that don’t end with you asking them “So what are you wearing right now?”

Men aren’t selfish or territorial; don’t mistake your guy friend that no longer wants to be there for being any of those things. Men are just logical. Somewhere in the picture there’s a guy she’s cooking for, smiling for, kissing, getting jealous over. That’s the man that should be doing the things he used to do and he’s right.

Relationships are inherently selfish. You start to blow off friends and family you’ve spent years with because you fall in love. You stop wanting to go to happy hours with your friends and go to happy hour with your man or woman. A “Hungover” type night in Vegas with your people gets replaced with some Bed and Breakfast in Rhode Island or North Carolina you saw on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on Food Network. It isn’t personal, it isn’t you acting funny, it’s just the evolution of life. So if you’re doing all this, when you have a problem, your man should be the one you go to. Your man should be the one that is your shoulder to cry on. He should be the one that helps you when the bank freezes your account because of suspicious behavior. Don’t be mad at your guy friend for telling you that. Respect the fact he gets that your priorities have changed and he just wants you to be with a man that can take care of you.

5 Relationship Goals for the 21st Century Man 


  Relationship Goals 
1. It’s okay to be silly. Laughing at her if she thinks she’s cute and had lipstick on her teeth. Laughing at yourself if you are trying to be stern but your pants are unzipped. Never take yourself too seriously. If you can’t have fun with the one you love; who can you have fun with?

2. Traveling is to relationships what oil changes are to cars. I don’t care if it’s a bed and breakfast an hour away from where you live or a 5 star hotel over looking Amsterdam in the Fall. You have to call her, ask her if she’s free this weekend and just take a trip. Anywhere. Role play. Have her meet you in the lobby and give her a different name, let her be creative, imaginative. Overlooking a foreign city on a balcony in hotel robes is life. 

3. Find ways to work together. It could be either one of your passions but find a way to help each other build on a legacy. It’ll be hard at first, you’ll both feel like you’re right. She’ll be passionate, you’ll be calm. You’ll get angry, she’ll laugh. But once it all comes together you’ll have created something you love with someone you love. 

4. Overdress for no reason at all. I mean get gala fancy in the middle of July to go to a reverse happy hour. Everyone at the restaurant is going to think you’re coming from somewhere special but you know what? It doesn’t even matter what they think. Maybe you don’t have money for a 5 star restaurant or a 200 dollar a plate dinner. Let her put in a gown, you put on your best suit and eat hotwings and mozzarella sticks and slow dance in a parking lot with the radio being the DJ. 

5. Don’t let arguments go to waste. If you’re going to fight, argue, make sure it’s worth it. Don’t go to bed angry over foolishness. Don’t not hold her or kiss her over pride. We’re all only guaranteed so many days and nights with the person that makes our hearts skip a beat. Don’t waste those moments. 

5 Reasons Relationships Struggle in the Selfie Generation

Social media validation is the equilivant to buying a stock that feels really hot and trendy but has no actual value. You can post a picture that has 200 likes but are those 200 likes from strangers and associates more valuable than a genuine compliment from one man that adores you? As a man I can post, “I cooked too much food and hate eating alone,” and get a woman or two messaging me. Does that mean as much as texting my girlfriend I cooked her favorite meal? Seeking outside validation will eventually find you on the outside looking in. 

1. Nothing is private anymore. If people aren’t posting their issues online, they’re telling their friends or associates. The idea that what happens between a man and a woman should stay between a man and a woman has become as outdated as the Blackberry that sits in my desk drawer. 

2. “Likes” matter more than intentions. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone sends me a picture and 5 seconds later it’s online. The idea that everyone needs to see this opposed to just one person is engrained in out generation. 

3. Having standby relationship alternatives. Your man doesn’t call you enough, cool, I have a homeboy I can talk too. Your woman doesn’t cook enough, cool, I have a homegirl that always cooks enough to get me a plate. We invite options into our lives and then wonder why we don’t want to fight for something that could be great. 

4. Pretending gender roles don’t exist. There is an entire generation of women that don’t value being a lady. There is an entire generation of men that think it’s corny to spoil, court, take care of. 
  5. We’ve taken the value out of boyfriends and girlfriends. I’ve been guilty of this myself. One of my biggest blogs was entitled, “You’re Single Until You’re Married.” That’s not accurate. It’s okay to be faithful to a woman while you’re in a relationship. It’s okay to claim someone and not entertain people you know want you. Be a boyfriend, get her a dog, let her spend the night so you know what she’s like once she gets comfortable. And if it doesn’t workout, cool, you gave it your all.  

Trying To Get Back to Normal

20140803-095704.jpgThe attraction was still there, it was obvious. Every time she smiled he couldn’t help but smile, whenever she’d look away he’d look at her neck or chest and the memories would come flooding back to the nights they shared.

Those nights seemed like a lifetime ago now. Their friendship was one most people envied, he could talk to her about anything and she never judged him. She was so comfortable around him most of the men she dated she knew something had to be going on.

For seven years she slept in his bed, took trips with him, helped him by suits or gave him advice on women. For seven years they were best friends and not one time did they come close until crossing that line until they did. Her father was sick and wasn’t going to make it through the night, he’d just broken off an engagement. That night he looked at her differently, he saw what every man before him had seen.

That night their friendship became more and their bodies thanked them for it but their chemistry changed. She wasn’t sure how to act like a girlfriend around him. He wasn’t sure if she loved him or the idea of him. They fought more in a month then they’d fought in seven years. It didn’t take long for both of them to realize this wasn’t going to work. How could they go back though?

Could he just forget how she felt, forget that the potential of having his best friend as his woman almost came to life? Could she go back to being comfortable in his bed, on his couch, telling him secrets she’d never told anyone before? No matter how much she tried to ignore it, she saw the longing in his eyes, the way he looked at her.

He wanted what she couldn’t give him and that hurt her. Knowing she was breaking his heart. He would do whatever she wanted. If she wanted a lover, a boyfriend, a husband, he would go that route. If she wanted her friend back, he would do that to but it just couldn’t be the same.

Their conversations flowed, they always laughed, she’d tell him about bad dates. He’d tell her about bad sex he’d had. Nothing was off limits, now they both found themselves hiding things, trying to protect the other. A part of her wanted to believe that in time they could go back to where they were but in her heart she knew things would never be the same. She just owed it to both of them to try.

When It Is Okay to Ask Her If She’s Okay



I’m not sure the picture that accompanies this blog has anything to do with the actual content but I just like the picture. You can’t go wrong with thighs and curly hair and kitchen counters. Now let me get to the issue at hand.

Last night as it was storming and lightening as if the end of days was near my lights went out. A tree fell in the backyard, the wind was rocking the entire house. Rain was falling as if it was knocking on my front door. As I’m lying on the couch with my cell phone at 19% and my laptop at 30% I’m wondering one thing, “Is she okay?” Are her lights out? Was she out with friends or working late and stuck somewhere? Is she at home and it’s barely raining over there? Picking up my phone, wanting to call, wanting to send a text, I realized something. That’s not my job anymore, she has a man now.

Not to be petty or to over think a situation but the truth is people throw the word friends around. You have sex with a woman, make love to a woman, pick her up from work when it’s storming, get her medicine when she’s sick. She lifts you up when the world is beating you down, she cooks for you and kisses you and encourages all the good things about you that you didn’t even know existed. That woman may have once been your friend but when it became more than that, you can’t go back. There’s no pretending you didn’t love her and she didn’t love you. You can’t put the word “friends” on that now.

I can only speak for myself and write for myself, everyone isn’t going to have the same dynamic. Some couples can be best friends, can go out double dates, can talk like they never shared the same bed for countless nights. I’m not one of those men. I don’t love in a way that allows me to pretend we never had what we had. If any woman I’ve dated meets a man and she’s happy then outside of the occasional catch up conversation or social media interaction I’m probably going to let her go.

Letting her go doesn’t mean I won’t still be available if she needs me. If she has a flat or needs someone to talk to but talking, texting, sharing intimate details. That would have to stop for both of our sakes. It wouldn’t be fair to another woman if I’m still trying to maintain this “friendship” with a woman I once loved. It’s not fair to her new man that she’s still needing my emotional support. It’s not mean spirited to tell someone “We can’t be friends because being around you will always feel like more.” That’s just something adults have to do.

Be careful in this rain today and get prepared for hurricane season.

~ Demez F. White

You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

conversation You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

“You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.” ~ James Michael Sama

When I was younger I had a bad habit of putting women on pedestals. Everything needed to be perfect; we didn’t go on dates in sweats and t-shirts. There was never any bad hair days or moments where we were super comfortable and honest. I may have been a good boyfriend but I was a horrible friend. So in essence all I was; was a boy. It doesn’t take a lot to be romantic but romance fades. Great sex covers a lot of dysfunction but that fades. Friendships are different though, friendships can withstand so much more than relationships.

A relationship without a friendship means that problems, concerns, insecurities that she has, that she needs to talk about. She won’t be talking about them with you because she doesn’t see you as a friend, as someone she can confide in. That’s why so many people are getting divorced and living these superficial relationships because it’s all about appearances. We look good in pictures together, we look good on date nights but that’s hollow.

A couple should be able to sit on the couch or on the porch and just talk. No filters or sugar coating but actual conversation about any and everything. No judgment, no anger. Sure, there may be an awkward moment but you should be able to laugh it off. She should be able to sit on your lap and cry and in that moment feel better about her situation because you’re there.

I once wrote that nothing compares to a woman that’s in love with you praying for you. It’s different from your mother, sister, grandmother or daughter because there’s an intimacy there that by nature can’t exist with anyone else. That bond that you share with the woman you love makes her not just want to see the best in you but she wants the best for you. Friendships are the same way. The friendship you have with a woman you love doesn’t compare to her girls or mother or some guy friend from college. There’s no competition because that friendship is the base for that relationship.

That Awkward Moment I Realized My Friend May Hate Women

That Awkward Moment I Realized My Friend May Hate Women

I’m a fan of Law and Order SVU, I can watch that show every day, re-run after re-run. There’s just something really interesting about the criminal mind to me, how are you wired so differently from the rest of us? I see characters that are rapists, murders, molesters, serial cheaters and in most cases they genuinely hate women. There’s no hope for these men, the honest truth is either you lock them up or they’re going to hurt people again.

So when I write about my friend “hating” women I’m not talking to the extent of Ted Bundy or one of those weirdo’s that sleeps with women to give them HIV. I’m talking on a level I can’t quite understand but I’m starting to see more and more.

Women are talkative by nature. You put a group of women at a girl’s night or in a beauty shop and they’ll gossip. I’ve always felt like there’s nothing the matter with it, it’s just what they do. Men should be different though. Don’t get me wrong, we talk to each other, we share things that we probably shouldn’t be sharing but it’s usually with guys we’re cool with. Our brothers, best friends, guy’s we work with everyday. When I see men start to develop the same habits women have I have to question why? There’s this anger, this resentment that’s bubbling and I just don’t get it.

This is what every guy understands from the 2nd grade on; when the pretty girl with the two perfect ponytails doesn’t get you a lollipop for Valentines. All women aren’t going to like you, they all aren’t going to find you attractive or funny or charming. They’ll be some that just don’t like you period, they may not even know why they don’t like you. What you can’t do is take it personal. What you can’t do is take it out on “all” women. Don’t be that guy that throws around generalizations and bitterness and is just angry. For every woman that doesn’t return your call or that calls too much there’s several that will get it just right. I’m willing to give my friend or any man the benefit of the doubt after they’ve been betrayed or hurt or lied to or lied on but at some point you can’t be that guy that hates women.

What I’ve learned and of course it took me awhile is that the best thing you can do when you feel rejected or played or frustrated is be cool. Some woman lied on you, laugh about it. You ask two women out and they happen to be friends, apologize and keep it moving. You won’t win going back and forth, do you want to be that guy that’s arguing with women that you don’t even like?

Do I know for a fact my boy hates women, of course not but I do know something just isn’t right. I hope he finds his way in life and gets past whatever this is that makes him write stupid comments on Facebook or post tacky pictures on Instagram.

Until then we shall see.

Four Signs She Wants Back In Your Life

Conversations Between Adults

Conversations Between Adults

There’s phases to everything in life. Moments where you feel the excitement of new beginnings and moments where you feel the heartbreak of endings. Often times before that end comes there starts to be signs, moments in which things just aren’t what they once were. I’m writing this from a male point of view but I’m sure some of these same things can apply to women.

One- The “Hey Stranger” text. For months, maybe even years you haven’t spoken to her because she was in a happy, committed relationship. There may be the occasional Happy Birthday text or random small talk but you knew you two were never really friends so not talking didn’t bother you. Then all of a sudden you get that “Hey Stranger” text at nine, maybe ten pm. Not too late to be disrespectful but late enough to where you know she’s thinking about you. Late enough to know she wouldn’t be texting you if her man was around. It always starts with a “Hey Stranger” or “How have you been?” Her coming back to communicate with me means she’s falling back when it comes to him.

Two- Body Language. Body language is so official. We’ve all heard the term “church hug.” Where a woman sort of gives you that half shoulder, half arm, “stay away from my breast and pelvis” hug. You get one of those, you’re done homie. A lot of women aren’t overtly flirty. They don’t whisper in your ear and rub your thigh. There’s no, “I’m going to the restroom,” and then she sends you a freaky text and walks back to the bar or table like nothing happened. It’s all in her body language. Sitting on your side of the booth, making a lot of eye contact and facing you. Hugs that are tight, There’s a certain energy that radiates off her body, a heat that lets you know she’s not playing. When a woman has a man that body language is reserved for him. Once she opens it back up, all rules are off!

Three- Conversation. I saw this picture awhile back of the faces women make when they’re talking to a guy and he’s being too aggressive or cheesy. She says, “I’m about to take a shower,” and he asks, “Can I join?” She says, “I’m lying in bed,” and he asks, “Can I join?” We know that’s tacky but let’s not pretend women don’t get the biggest smile on their faces when the right man asks those same cheesy questions. You can talk to a woman for months and it be strictly fun and interesting and plutonic and then one night you ask her what she’s doing and the answer is no longer just, “I’m lying in bed.” It’s now, “I’m just lying here naked,” or “with panties on.” One small detail that changes everything. It’s deeper than just sex though, when you ask her how her day is going and two months ago it was, “It went okay.” Now it’s “I had a presentation today and I’m not sure I did so well,” or “My mom has been feeling sad lately, I think she’s lonely.” When she starts to entrust you with information important to her, real feelings. She wants back in.

Four- Marking Her Domain. When a woman is really into you she has her own way of letting people know. Dropping hints in conversations with mutual friends. Liking comments that certain women put on your social media. Asking questions about where you’re going are who you’re talking to, questions she didn’t ask before. A certain level of jealousy is normal, it’s actually appreciated. Once she stops being that women for the next guy; she’s going to want to be that woman for you.

Naked Attractions

Photo-0105 How many years did Adam and Eve run around before they realized they were naked? She often wondered that when she would open the door naked, sleep naked, go to the kitchen in the middle of the night with nothing on but nail polish. For as long as she could remember it never bothered her. Men she dated thought it was because she wanted to be sexy, friends thought she wanted to get a shock out of them but once they got to know her, really know her. They just realized she loved her body and didn’t see it as anything worth hiding.

She always wore her robe when the children were around but since their rooms were upstairs and hers downstairs as soon as they were sleep the robe came off. Lying in bed, her attention divided between Instagram and a book she heard the knock on the door. Not thinking twice she got up to open it, her friend told her she was on her way.

Pulling the door open her smile faded. Her eyes red, the overnight bag in her hand. A baseball cap covering her curly hair, she knew she wasn’t in a good place. Pulling her in for a hug, they just stood there in the doorway. Squeezing her, rubbing her back, she had no idea what the warmth of her body was doing the woman. How her scent entwined with her friend’s vulnerability created a tension masked as sadness.

There were four bedrooms in the house, her children each had a room and there was a guestroom. She Melissa needed to talk so she didn’t think twice when she followed her to her room and got in the bed with her. Watching her friend take off her cap and jeans and climb in the bed she felt guilty. Their relationship wasn’t what it used to be and a lot of that was on her. Work and kids demanded time, time she didn’t have to be the friend she once was.

“Is he still at your apartment?” The covers were under the covers together, thigh to thigh, she didn’t answer right away but she knew she’d heard her.

“He left a couple days ago. I’ve been at work mostly, spent a night at my moms, then my sisters, now I’m here. Every time I climb into that bed I feel him inside of me, is that weird? That my body is reacting to a man that’s not even there? I go in the kitchen and I see beer in the fridge, I hate beer. I’m so used to sleeping in his t-shirts it felt weird putting on a nightgown.”

She was venting, ranting but she knew what it was like to lose someone that mattered. Those first couple weeks it was like you couldn’t imagine what life was like before that person.

“Can I tell you something crazy.” She turned on her pillow facing her, the sheets falling to her waist.

“What?” She smiled, having gotten used to the braces.

“He told me I was in love with you.” She started laughing, laughing so hard tears came to her eyes.

“He said what?! Men really are a trip, he cheats and gets caught so he makes some shit up in his head? Asshole.” It wasn’t until she looked at her friend’s face that she realized she wasn’t laughing or even smiling.

“Lissa, tell me he’s crazy.” The silence made her wish she was wearing clothes, at least a pair of panties.

“I wish I could say he was lying.” She put her hands in her head, wondering if she’d noticed something before. A look, a smile?

“You’re beautiful Elle, you’re funny and sexy and you’re always here when I just need a friend. I pleasure myself to you. One night I stayed over and you and Tim were having sex. I guess because all the other rooms are upstairs you two had the door cracked. I just came down for some water but when I heard the moans I came in and saw you riding him. The way your hips moved and your hair falling. Your ass bouncing. I just watched and wondered when it would feel like to have you on top of me like that.”

A part of her knew this was real, she had some wine and was a little sleepy but there was no doubt in her mind her friend of six years was really saying this to her. Flashbacks of the one time she’d ever been with a woman erupted in her mind. It was the first time in her life she’d had an orgasm. No man had touched her the way that woman did but she threw up immediately afterwards and felt like it was wrong regardless of what her body told her.

Was she giving her friend signals without knowing it? She was naked, inches from her in a bed as they were talking.

“Say something. You’re not blind, you know I’ve been with women before. You’re lying in bed with nothing on. Opening the door with nothing on! I could kiss you in places and do things to you that no man can!”

Before she knew it she was standing up with the sheet wrapped around her. Not feeling comfortable with the way she was looking at her. Watching her take off her tank top, step out her panties and come towards her she gripped the sheet and backed up towards the door.

“You need to go upstairs and sober up and put your clothes back on. No matter what you think this isn’t happening! We’re friends and I’m not feeling you like that.”

Sitting on the bed crying she wanted to console her friend. She wanted to be there but now she just didn’t know.

To Be Continued…

I Need To Vent

This has been a bad week and I need to vent. There isn’t really anyone to call and I believe I’m past that venting on FB or Twitter stage so what’s the point in having a blog if I can’t come here and give my thoughts a voice. So here I go.

It all started on Friday when I asked a friend to lunch, to be honest it was someone that’s more than a friend. Not in an intimate sense but just someone I’d come to care about, feel close to. She told me she was sick and couldn’t make it, I understood but maybe she didn’t like my tone. I haven’t spoken to her sense, I’ve called, I’ve sent text. Either she’s fallen off the face of the earth or simply decided she wants nothing to do with me.

I have literally spent the entire year of 2013 working and intentionally trying not to build relationships or friendships. I can’t do it anymore, people just let me down and I know why. I set this standard, I answer every call, I answer every text, I’m always there and when I’m not they can’t handle it. I know what about myself, I know I get attached to people easily so I try not to get attached.

Talking to her everyday about work, life, religion, the future. You forget how much you miss having someone to share those things with. There was never anything physical but it was just the feeling of knowing someone cared about my day. That’s over now, that was the start of the bad week.

Second… We’re at a grade level meltdown at my job, what should have been a seven thousand dollar simple mistake has now turned into a forty nine thousand dollar mistake. It wasn’t my fault, literally I was just following orders but my name is all over this screw up and it’s stressing me the hell out. I almost asked one of these guys for a cigarette.

I’m not the place blame or point fingers type, even though it wasn’t my fault I was still accountable. I understand that and I will accept that but that doesn’t mean it isn’t bothering me. I grew up in a place where you didn’t snitch and corporate America just isn’t like that. These guys will sell out their own mothers if it means the blame doesn’t get placed on them. How can you live like that?

Compounding this problem is the fact that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Someone will read this and think that means call me or what about me but it’s not that simple. There’s always someone to talk to but that person that you feel gets it and you feel comfortable with. That’s not easy.

Third… My grandfather, he isn’t getting better and that scares the hell out of me. I get I have to be strong for my family, strong for myself but I’m afraid he’s going to die. Every time I get a phone call at 4am I take a deep breath before answering. Last Monday he had to be rushed to the hospital and my heart was in my stomach. I can’t even see him, I go up there to take my grandmother and I’m in the room but I’m not really looking at him. This man was so strong, so dependable and now it’s almost like he’s a child. I know it’s age, the cycle of life but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I miss kissing.

That’s my venting for today. Thanks for reading.