Friends With…. Out Benefits

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_nEveryday 1 out of 3 men are friendzoned. “I really like you but I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” or “This just isn’t a good time for me but we can still be friends.” In that span of seconds a guy goes from wondering if she’s wearing boyshorts or thongs to wondering where he went wrong to get friendzoned. On the same token, everyday 1 out of 4 women get datezoned, it’s when a man they really like tells them they aren’t looking for anything serious. “You’re a great woman and I want you in my life buuuuut I’m afraid to hurt you, I’m just not ready. Can we still be friends?” This is different than friendzoning because in this case the man still wants her to have sex with him, cook for him, listen to him. He just wants to do this stuff with other women also.

This is the problem when a woman friendzones a man or a man datezones a woman. A lot of times they still want the benefits that come with their previous title. If a man is dating you he’s picking you from your home no matter how far you live. He’s taking you to nice places, events, concerts, restaurants, places that men take women when they want to impress them. You’re a priority because he thinks this can go somewhere. Once you friendzone him you have to understand that things change so maybe he becomes your friend but all those benefits of dating STOP! The same goes for men. You can’t tell her “we’re moving too fast, I don’t want a relationship,” and then still expect the benefits you get when a woman knows you’re either her man or close to it. That’s selfish.

There is a big difference between being someone’s friend and someone’s lover. There’s a difference between being cool with a person and thinking that you have a romantic future with a person. Most friendships don’t come with home cooked meals and backless aprons while she’s naked. Most friendships don’t come with surprise gifts on a Saturday night just because you were thinking about her. When you make the decision to make a person your friend you’re making the decision to be on a level playing field.

I’m not going to treat you like I treat the woman that may one day have my children. I’m not going to cancel a date with someone I really like to hang out with a friend. Why? Because friends understand. If I tell my home boy that we can’t go watch the game tonight because I have a date with this fine ass woman I met last week. He’s going to say cool and ask for details the next day. That’s what friends do. Friends don’t get mad because they aren’t getting the romantic date themselves.

There are consequences to wanting to be treated like one of the guys. Remember that and live that.

Demez F. White

@authordwhite on twitter

Why You Can’t Respect Her Without Respecting Her Relationship…

black woman crying Whenever I’ve dated a woman I’ve always had one rule when it came to male friends. If you knew him before you knew me I have no right to tell you who you can and can’t be friends with; I owe it to you to trust your judgment. However, if you meet the guy on a Tuesday at the gas station I don’t want to hear about you making new friends. That’s my logic and it mostly works. Sure, you’ll have the guys that hang around pretending to be friends waiting on you to mess up but the truth is if they had it in them to get her they would have gotten her a long time ago.

That’s me when I’m the boyfriend but what about when I’m the other guy. When I’m the friend that women lean on when their man isn’t acting right or when she just needs a male perspective. Do I tell her the truth and bash the hell out of the guy she loves because he deserves it? Do I lie and make her believe that everything will be okay and it’s just a rough patch? Or do I respect what they have and give her advice that will make her happy and help save her relationship?

The point where men mess up is they think by hating or bad mouthing her man they’ll get in good. They’ll fill the void she has when she breaks up with him but that’s a loser way of thinking. The truth is no matter what you tell her she’s not leaving until she’s ready so all you can do is be honest with her. Talk about his good qualities, talk about why she loves him and needs him. Her friends will talk bad about him, she will talk bad about him. When it’s over and she’s crying and hurt all she’ll remember is that you were the one that didn’t judge her or judge him. And in those moments where she’s just looking for someone that understands her you’ll be the one left standing. Now I doubt you’ll get anything sexual from her if that’s what you want but what you will have is her respect and her loyalty.

Women love hard, they always have and they always will. No matter how good of friends you think you are with a woman you can never win. The winner, the man she chooses will always be the man that’s in her bed, the man her heart belongs to. No matter how bad of a person he is if she loves him that’s where her loyalty will lie no matter how much you’ve done for her. So as a man you have one decision to make. Respect her relationship no matter how much you dislike him or walk away. No one will fault you for either one. If you walk away maybe she breaks up with him in six months and shows up at your door crying or maybe she marries him and the only time you talk to her is on FB when she sees you online. Either way, accept that the heart is greater than the mind when it comes to man/woman relationships.

You don’t get a win for being nice. Women like sweet and caring and secure but they don’t get wet for sweet, caring and secure. They get aroused for the men that protect them, take control of situations and allow them to feel like women. The guy that says, “Whatever you say babe,” is not getting as much ass as the man that says, “…..” and gives her a look or pushes her up against a wall and makes her shut up with his tongue. You didn’t become the “friend,” because you’re nice, you became the “friend” because she’d rather talk to you than f*ck you. Respect that and learn from it.

Demez White