I’m Demez and I’m Having A Midlife Crisis

“It took me becoming “midlife” to realize what midlife crisis really meant. It isn’t losing your mind or chasing your youth; it’s getting to an age where your responsibilities outweigh your passions and you have to decide to give them up.” – Lennox’s Dad

A midlife crisis isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t some emotional or mental breakdown where you feel unstable or ashamed. It’s a crossroads moment that every man and woman deal with. It’s that moment where you decide to either settle into a comfortable living and forget about your dreams or you keep pushing and risking the future of your family. 35-40 is that age where you have to decide, do I keep working for a company I hate because I need that retirement or do I not take that promotion because the more hours I spend here, the less hours I can devote to my craft. It’s a real question and it’s a crisis in the middle of your life.

When I was younger I’d see the guy that was about to turn forty and he’d have a little grey coming in, his hair was going away and he’d go get that sports car or motorcycle. Everyone would whisper or joke with him, “Look at Bill, going through a midlife crisis.” I told the same jokes.

When you’re 18 or 21 and feel like you have everything planned out, it isn’t that you think 35 or 40 is old, it’s that you think it’ll be different for me when I get there. I’ll have my dream home and dream car and be a bestselling writer. I won’t settle or give up on my dreams. And then life happens, bills pile up which means you have to take a promotion you don’t want to make more money. That promotion comes with more hours at work. Maybe you have a child or get married and now you’re responsible for lives. Instead of investing that thousand dollars into your passion, you have to save it in case your child gets sick or your woman’s transmission goes out. And slowly you start to realize you haven’t done what you loved in days, then in becomes weeks, then you stop all together and start to focus on your “career.”

There’s this point where it hits you, it has to, I can only speak for myself obviously but very few people were dreaming about making 50k with good benefits when they were twenty two. Your dreams were probably so much bigger than that.

The real definition of a midlife crisis isn’t chasing youth or feeling old. It isn’t seeing grey in your beard or hair and dying it. A midlife crisis is being 35 or 40 and looking up and realizing you’ve been at that job you hate for 5 years and you convince yourself that you may as well work 5 more for the benefits. A midlife crisis is not finishing that book or not starting that food truck because you have to choose responsibility over passion. Imagine dreaming about becoming someone your entire life and now you realize that may never happen. That’s a crisis of life.

Why do you think so many people in our age bracket are walking alcoholics? Our generation makes fun of crackheads and the old guys that get a 40 after work but we’re worse. We literally invented days just to drink. Brunch and Mimosas, Taco Tuesday, Steak and Beer Thursday. The drinking, the fear of commitment, the starting a new relationship and abandoning your family, that’s because we’re going through midlife crisis’s and don’t know it. We look at that as something that happens when you’re 50, not 35 but how many people do you know that die at a 100? I can name you a bunch that die at 70.

All I’m saying is, don’t let obligation or responsibility stop you from pursuing your passions. If you have to take that new job that means you’ll be working 7 days a week, sacrifice your football games or social media time and chase your dreams. Do not let life rob you of what you love because that’s what “we’re supposed to do.” Keep pushing, keep putting out content, keep believing in yourself.

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If Your Woman Can’t Tell the Difference Between You Being Controlling or Assertive; You’re the Problem

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@artbysu via Twitter

What’s understood doesn’t have to be spoken in most instances but sometimes it’s good to offer reminders.

Women love tactfully aggressive and assertive men. It’s been that way since the beginning of time. The problem is too many men are trying to be assertive with women that have no interest in them. You’re mad she won’t return your good morning text when you should be texting good morning to a woman that actually wants you to text her.

When a woman likes you, I’m not even talking about love, but simply likes you. You can call her on Wednesday or Thursday and say, “I’m taking you out on Friday night, wear that black dress you wore to your bestfriends birthday dinner and I love your hair over your shoulder.” No woman that knows you’re a quality a guy is going to take that as controlling.

What I tend to see most is men feeling like women may not accept them taking the lead. You ask her out, tell her you’re going to surprise her and you take her to a Chinese spot when she’s allergic to MSG or an Italian spot and she can’t eat cheese. Unless she flat out told you and you forgot, it’s okay. That’s why you have backup plans, that’s why you can get a bottle of wine and go get a pizza and she won’t feel like she got dressed up for nothing because you’re understanding, good company and she’s wearing the black dress for you, not to be seen. Assertiveness does that for you. Not being sure about yourself, does nothing for you.

2017 has been the year of the engagement and it’s not even April yet. The one thing most of the men have in common is that they didn’t play it cool, they didn’t see her text and decide, “I’m going to look thirsty if I answer to quickly.” They didn’t text her five times asking, “WYD” hoping that she’d be the one to make the plans because he was afraid of rejection. You don’t need dating books to tell you one simple truth. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. You like her, initiate a conversation, find out who she is, what she likes and plan something off that conversation that you think she may enjoy. I can’t tell a man how to be a good husband but I can tell you how not to shoot yourself in the foot.

This picture isn’t really relevant to the story but I believe there’s something magical about couples celebrating brining a life into this world.

Scottie Pippen Is A Better Man Than Me

102216-sports-future-larsa-scottie-pippen I don’t write a lot about pop culture or celebrity gossip but is something really gossip if all the parties involved acknowledge it happened? When your woman is on social media all over a guy you really can’t blame anyone else but her. Don’t get mad at the paparazzi or blogs for reporting on a fire that her and Future started.

Why is Scottie Pippen a better man than me? I’m not one of those guys that’s going to pretend like I would never take a woman back for cheating. I’ve never had to make that decision but I can imagine that if you love a woman enough anything is possible. See, it’s not the cheating, it’s the flaunting it to the world that would close that door for me. Allowing another man to basically say, “This isn’t my woman, just a lil something I’m messing around with right now.” I can’t do it bro. Call it pride, call it arrogance, I don’t care. I mess up and you go out and get in another relationship, that’s on me. I mess up and you become a full on groupie? Girl bye.

Future has become our generations fu*kboy idol. I really do wish I could use a better term and believe me I racked my brain trying to find one but this is the most accurate term possible. He raps about drugs, how little value women have and hates the mother of his child because she moved on and found happiness. And before I get the, “It’s just music” crowd commenting. It can’t be just music when you not only rap about taking another man’s wife but you snapchat it and tweet about it and take pride in it. There are a generation of tattoo’d, skinny jean wearing, penicillin taking guys that idol the ain’t shi*ness of Future. Your wife leaves for him, you just have to throw the whole wife away and get a new one before Trump bans her country.

To be fair, I’ve never been married so maybe I don’t understand the love and energy it takes to fight for a marriage when you know you’ve both done wrong. Regardless of all of that, can’t do it bro. I wish Scottie the best and I hope Jordan forgives you for bringing this sort of energy to the legacy of the Bulls.

Effort Is A Reflection of Interest…

a pink gift box“I’ve just been so busy with work.”

“If you can’t understand that I had a life before you…”

“I got your phone calls; I answer every third time you call.”

People can make up hundreds of excuses as to why they aren’t available when you need them to be available. But what we all know whether or not we want to admit it is that when someone wants to be around us they will find a way. Now this doesn’t mean if I call tonight I’m seeing her tonight but it does mean she’ll make the effort to see me sooner rather than later.

When I was younger I can admit I was all about playing the game. I get your number on a Wednesday, God forbid I call you on a Thursday. We have a really good date on a Friday, how dare I ask you out on that Sunday? That was the young me, the me that didn’t want to seem to pressed or anxious, the one that didn’t want to be called a “bug a boo” this was pre-thirst era. Now, I could really care less because of she’s worth my interest she’s going to be worth my effort and even a little bit of my pride. I’ve never met a woman that didn’t like a tastefully aggressive and assertive man. Playing this, “if she likes me, she’ll call,” role isn’t for us. Because the effort that we’re too cool to make, another man that doesn’t even have her interest will get a foot in the door while we’re trying to be cool.

I read something today that someone wrote on a post and I couldn’t agree with it more. When a woman thinks you’re funny, handsome, charming, interesting, etc… Texting her at 2am or calling while she’s getting ready for work makes her day. But if you’re that borderline guy that’s only getting her attention because the man she wants is not living up to his promise, those calls and texts become so annoying. That’s why I always laugh on the inside when guys buy books on, “How to get women.” There’s no formula, if she thinks you’re worth her time, she’ll make the effort. Even if that effort is just talking to you for five minutes outside of the gas station or reminding you that she see’s all the flirting you do. Be yourself and be confident and watch.

What I wish I would have known five years ago, hell, two years ago. Those moments when I was broke or needed a haircut or wasn’t happy I ignored some really cool women, blew them off because I couldn’t “impress” them. And now I realize that making an effort to simply let your interest be known matters way more than appearances. Some of my best encounters have been meeting and walking at the park, eating candy and people watching. Going to happy hours with twenty dollars in my pocket and two dollar margaritas. When you make the effort and you’re confident and honest and she see’s that you’re not where you want to be but everyday is a step forward. She’ll appreciate it and you may have only spent 15 dollars plus a tip but you paid the bill and were wearing really good cologne while doing it.

Make the effort and take a chance at doing better in life because regardless of what you think. Women do make us better!

Find Someone That Can Help You

IMG_0629When I was growing up my grandfather and uncles would always tell me to “find a woman that can help you.” And I never really understood what they were saying because for the most part they all worked and paid all the bills. Were they telling me to get a woman that would “take care of me?” Were they telling me to be a leech? That literally made no sense to me, especially coming from them.

Now that I’m older I’m starting to understand what they meant and it has nothing to do with a woman “taking care of you.” I believe it has to do with finding a woman that understands she has to be someone that knows what she has to do. That knows it not only takes more than one income but knows how to make moves that will benefit the relationship.

This is the thing about life. If you aren’t going forward, you’re going backwards, because even if you’re standing still you aren’t progressing.

I’m at work listening to this new Drake album and one thing stands out to me. He keeps referencing that “I did this all by myself.” And it’s music so I won’t take it literally but I have noticed that our generation has this mindset of, “I’m doing this alone and that makes me cool.” The thing is though, none of us do this alone. No man or woman is an island and what’s important is that you find someone who wants to not only help you keep your island afloat but who wants to make your island the best island ever.

I never write about marriage because I’m not even engaged nor have I ever been married. I’d feel like a snake oil salesman trying to tell a woman how to be a wife or a man how to be a husband. But I do often write from my own mistakes. I have been with women that weren’t doing so well and instead of being supportive or calming I was an asshole. Dismissive, belittling, impatient. Everything I tell men not to be. Finding someone that can help you isn’t just finding someone to split bills with. It’s finding someone that will understand when there’s no money to split bills with. That will still see your worth after life happens. Anyone can help with a check, can you help when the light at the end of the tunnel feels 500 miles away?

4 Reasons Relationships Should Be Boring

Desserts from Perry's

Desserts from Perry’s

I’m boring.

Like I’m the guy that would rather have dinner at home or at a nice restaurant than go to that sky diving place or drive to Galveston in the middle of the night and jump in the water.

I’m simple.

It’s easy to hit home runs in a relationship. Buying plane tickets and hotel rooms for a vacation, coming home and surprising her with a new pair of shoes or flowers. It doesn’t take all that much energy or effort to be the man that hits home runs. What’s not as easy to do is to be consistent and nice and boring.

Relationships don’t thrive because of excitement or energy, it isn’t the ups and great moments that keep you wanting to come home right after work. It’s the good and boring moments that build that that friendship.

I- Modern Family- Quality time makes all the difference in the world when it comes to relationships and dating. It’s easy to spend time with someone but making the time matter is what builds a foundation and makes it interesting. One of our favorite things to do is sit down and watch Modern Family on DVR. A bottle of wine, some popcorn and laughing really, really hard. It’s not a date night on the water or putting stamps in a passport but it’s time spent that will put a smile on your face the next day.

II- Dancing- If there’s one thing in this world I know for a fact it’s that God did not put me on this earth to dance. On a scale between Chris Brown and George H. W. Bush I’m pretty sure I’m closer to President Bush in the dance department. Like I have no idea how I didn’t even accidentally bump into some rhythm. Saying all that I still love to dance. In all my silly and un-choreographed glory. So whether it’s a car ride or cooking dinner or just sweeping the porch we’re always dancing and she’s always laughing. Mainly because I can’t dance but also because who in the hell doesn’t like laughing with the person they’re spending quality hours with.

III- Career Building- Every couple or courtship isn’t going to align along career lines. I get that but on the rare occasions when it does take advantage of it. Sitting in an office brain storming, sending emails back and forth, arguing about points and counterpoints isn’t a picture perfect moment. They are moments that will lead to promotions, raises, funding, business plans, sponsorship’s and so much more. Writing scripts and episode treatments in sweats at midnight isn’t a bowling at Dave and Busters with your friends but it is worth it. Boring moments lead to great moments.

IV- Sleeping Together- When I was child my grandparents did not believe on working on Sundays. They wouldn’t cut the yard, work on a car, they wouldn’t even go to the grocery store. It was church, Sunday dinner, football for my grandpa, cleaning up the aftermath of the Sunday dinner for my grandma and then they’d take a nap. It was clockwork every Sunday. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how cool naps were. Thirty minutes on the couch before I have to be somewhere. Twenty minutes in my office with the door locked. None of those naps compare though to taking a nap with someone you want to be around. No cuddling, no clothes on the floor. Just a “I have to be in the office at 10, I have a meeting at 11. Let’s take a nap.” So at 8:15am you both get in the bed or on opposite ends of the couch and sleep for an hour or two. No phones, no passion, just good and boring sleep to give you energy for what the day brings.

Don’t ever get so caught up in what you see online or what you think dating or relationships are supposed to be like that you miss out on a blessing. Every moment isn’t going to be Instagram worthy. Some of the best meals are grilled cheese that look horrible on foil because you don’t feel like washing dishes. Some of the moments where she’s her most beautiful will be when she looks a mess because she’s been up working all night and you’re just proud of her drive. Boring is changing a headlight or tightening battery cables. Things that matter.

Houston Restaurant Week, Russell Wilson, Why Aren’t Women More Romantic and Rose

  Houston Restaurant Week is Christmas in August. It’s finding your favorite movie on Netflix when all you were looking to watch was your favorite episode of Sons of Anarchy. Every year they add more and more restaurants and every year I gain 10 pounds eating desserts because I feel obligated to finish my 3-course meal. I only have 3 suggestions, you ready to copy and paste this? 

1. Go somewhere you’ve never been before and ask your server what’s the best dish out of the options they’re giving you. 
2. Instead of taking a date just because, go alone. This way you get two restaurant week experiences for the price of one date. 
3. Don’t take pictures of your food or even use your phone while you’re there. Simply enjoy yourself. You can tag the restaurant and Houston Restaurant Week afterwards, social media isn’t going anywhere. 

Russell Wilson and Future were sent to us from the social media Gods in order for us to have random debates about modern families that really make no sense. Think about all the riveting conversation that comes from this clash of NFL QB’s and Hip Hop Royalty (at least to people that like dreads, drugs and hate wearing condoms.) 

1. Is Cierra wrong for introducing her son to the man she’s dating? 
2. Is Future an IHOP or Waffle House guy after he leaves the studio? 
3. If Russell Wilson was dating Cierra during the Super Bowl would he have gave the ball to Marshawn Lynch instead of passing it? 
4. Will little Future become the first kid to win a Heisman and a Source Award?

 

Tune in next week to find out!!!!! (Que trailer music to your favorite show)  
I heard a commercial on the radio today and the woman said, “Today is the anniversary of the first time you washed my car so I’m making you breakfast in bed.” I thought that was so efffing Romantic because it’s such a creative way to remind someone of the fact that you recognize what they do and mean to you. I’m a romantic and I love surprises. Cool surprises though, nothing like, I hit a parked car while I was driving your truck. Women are caring, sweet, reliable but ,last women aren’t really romantic. Do we as men or society ask them to be? Probably not. But it’s been over 95 degrees 22 days in a row so if he washed your car the least you can do is not record over his favorite shows on DVR. That and bacon, bacon is love! 

Rose is my 7 month old pit bull and she’s a terrorist. I’m not sure who her parents are but it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s related to those dogs that chase people on bicycles. (Fyi: Stay out the lanes of traffic on those bicycles. Cyclist are terrorist too!) Anyway, back to my possessed and spoiled blue eyed devil of a dog. She refuses to drink her water if it’s not exactly 56 degrees Fahrenheit or less. She barks at weird noises but doesn’t actually go see where the noise is coming from. Will Smith’s dog on I Am Legend fought a zombie dog for him; mines only fights my GAP flip flops and a has a viscous street beef with my couch pillows. Rose in essence is Debo on Friday without the flannel jacket. Saying all that, she did protect her mom from a pack of wolves while they were jogging so maybe I’ll keep her for like 3 more weeks 🙂 So in essence does that mean “I’m in love with a terrorist?” (You have to read that in the “I’m in love with the CoCo” voice) 

Stop Talking About What You Want In A Wife and Start Talking About What You Want To Be As A Husband

  It’s really easy to talk about what we want in someone. I want a woman that’s fine and smart and sexy and giving, etc. I want a woman that’s caring and beautiful and fashionable. What we forget though, what matters more than what we want is who we are and what we attract. 

That leads me to the point of this article. Instead of constantly talking about what you want; talk about what you want to be. We attract what we are, it’s that simple. It’s easy to say we have bad luck or attract the wrong people but that’s not the case. We give people the time of day because there’s something in them that we see in ourselves.

When I think about the type of husband I want to be I don’t think about what my future wife would want or be attracted to. I think about what type of woman would be attracted to the man I’m becoming; the man I am. Part of being a good husband or boyfriend is becoming a good man first. Not how I look with my shirt off or my ambitions as a provider but having the type of soul, standards, morals and heart that will stand adversity. Six packs become kegs, wavy hair becomes a receding hairline. A great job becomes Exxon Mobil laying off a 1000 people on a Tuesday. Commitment has to be deeper than that. Commitment has to lie at the heart of the man you are. 

This isn’t the point where I rattle off a list of traits and characteristics where women ohh and ahh. This isn’t the point where I take shots at other men they still have a lot of growing to do in their relationship. This is the point where I say, “Just because you fall short today doesn’t mean you can’t stand tall tomorrow. Just because you aren’t the man or woman you’d want your son or daughter to marry tonight; that doesn’t mean you can’t be that man or woman two months from now.” The reason couples seem so perfect today and they’re divorced tomorrow is because they dated, fell in love with and married representatives. You can’t bare your soul to a representative. Look inside yourself and there you will find the reflection of who it is you want in your heart. 

Healing Her Heart

Happy

Happy

No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop smiling. The thought of him showing up had her dancing in her tank top and panties while she prepared dinner and double checked to make sure her apartment was clean. It had been a long time since she invited a man to her home for dinner. It took therapy, prayer and a lot of time to heal but she felt like he was the one.

The only reminder left of that night was a small scar over her eyebrow barely visible unless the sun caught it the right way. She thought he was coming over to propose, she thought it was going to be the happiest night of her life and instead it was the worse. To this day she still doesn’t know why he attacked her, why he beat her and did what he did.

The look in his eyes wasn’t the look of the man she’d known for a year, the man she would have done anything for. It was the look of a man that hated her. Lying on the floor, feeling like she was seconds away from dying her heart stopped when he pulled out the gun. It wasn’t for her though, he used it on himself.

“I want you to live with what you made me do. Why did you make me fall in love with you?”

Those words and the sound of the gunshot caused her more nightmares then she could have ever imagined. Even with her eye shut and her ribs broken she cried over his body, shaking him to be okay. To wake up!

That night changed her life, blinking her eyes, sipping the wine, she came back to reality. He was gone, Adam was nothing like him. He was sweet and smart and patient. Their love wasn’t intense, it wasn’t scary. When she was younger she would have never given a man like Adam a chance. He was attractive and had great qualities but they weren’t qualities she could appreciate back then.

Outside of her therapist she’d never told anyone about what happened that night, not even her family. The day she told him at the park she felt like it wasn’t her she was talking about. She could feel the tears falling and she saw it all in her head but she needed him to know. Squeezing her hand, wiping her tears, he listened to every word. She left nothing out, every detail, no matter how graphic.

The hardest part, the part she feared most, was telling him she couldn’t have children. The attack did more than brake her spirit, it broke a part of what made her a woman. Meeting his eyes, telling him what the doctors told her, what the specialist told her. “It’s why I can’t accept your love Adam, I know how much a child means to you and you say you’re okay with it now but I know you’ll resent me.” Pulling her close, unable to fight back his own tears. “I just want you. I haven’t regretted one moment we’ve been together and I don’t care how long it takes for you to heal or get comfortable with being with a man again. I’m here, I’m here. You don’t have to ever worry about me not being the man I am today. If it’s only the two of us for the rest of my life then God has given me more than enough.”

That spring afternoon was the cleansing the needed. Today she was ready. She wouldn’t hide her body, slipping off her jeans, opening the door. He stood there smiling, a bottle of wine, flowers. Taking the things out of his hand she pulled him inside, kissing him for what felt like the first time.

Today was a new day, today she would let love and happiness call her home.

A Letter A Week

Dear You,

Writing to you have me peace of mind. When I got my first magazine cover I wrote to you that night. I talked about how nervous I was, how excited I was. I heard your voice telling me you were proud of me.

The first time one of scripts got picked up I wrote about us celebrating over a glass of champagne. I can’t even remember the name of the woman I went out with that night but I remember the exact words I wrote to you.

It was a couple of weeks before my grandfather died; maybe a month. The ambulance workers knocked on my door at 5am. They were at the wrong house. I write to you that morning telling you how scared I was. How I didn’t want him in pain but I wasn’t ready for him to go.

Some weeks weren’t that serious. I’d just write about how I miss your sex appeal. Your flirting, the phone sex and pictures. How you’re the best muse I’ve ever known.

Other weeks were easier. Calmer. Those were the weeks I could think clearly with my mind and know we weren’t any good for each other. Know there was no trust between us.

I hesitate to call them love letters because I’m not sure I love you. I just think its easy to talk to you. This past year I’ve spent so much time alone that writing to a ghost is easier than cultivating a new relationship.

Today will be my last time writing to you. I need to let you go in my heart. I let you go physically a long time ago but mentally you’re still here. Until I do that I’ll never be able to give another woman a real chance.

I’ll still think about you from time to time when I see your bestfriend post pictures of you on Instagram. I’ll still pray for your happiness. I just can’t use you as a standard anymore. You’re not the best woman I’ve ever known, just the most influential.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

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