Holidays, Social Anxiety and Being An Introvert; the Gift That Keeps On Giving

Do you know anyone with dyslexia? It’s not that they can’t read or write it’s that they literally see the words differently than we see them? They learn differently, interpret differently. If no one takes the time to diagnose them they could spend their entire life feeling like they can’t read or that they’re dumb.

That’s what being an introvert is like, it’s being in a room where everyone is reading and writing and you want to learn, you want to read but you see the words differently. Whether it’s being around people or hating crowds or noise you never get comfortable.

I’ve been a loner most of my life. I remember turning eighteen and my mom bought all this food and a DJ and when no one showed up to the party she looked sad for me and I felt so bad telling her that I didn’t tell anyone. The two friends I had that showed up looked at me like I was crazy, “Why didn’t you tell us? Everyone would have come.” Even then I just liked being alone, at least that’s what I thought it was.

Now here I am years removed from that moment and it hasn’t gotten any better. I don’t really maintain friendships well, my body language is horrible and even when I have to talk to people I can come off as cold or uncaring.

 

Something I rarely write or talk about is the perception people have of me. Since I was a child I’ve been called everything from gay to arrogant to mean to stuck up to anti-social, even crazy; the list goes on. I usually ignore most of it or use humor or insults to push back. The truth is though, often times all I wanted was to fit in. To not be the guy that walks into a room and doesn’t talk to anyone or tries to start conversations and people feel as though you’re mocking them or uninterested.

It’s as if you’re locked inside of your own mind. You know the right things to say and do but your hands and face and energy give off this vibe that betrays what you meant. I’ve spoken to people for hours at a time and even with that I can tell they aren’t comfortable around me.

What makes it worse is that I’m smart and funny. I don’t say those things in an arrogant way, I say them because it’s confusing to people. How can you be an introvert when you don’t have a problem talking to women or making a crowd laugh if you’re talking about your book or giving an interview? How do you explain to people that you have to force yourself to do those things? That your heart is beating out of your chest and you find solace in the quiet after the storm.

Holidays just amplify it, even family look at you as though you think you’re better than them. They wonder why you don’t come around or leave early. Everyone takes you so seriously that even when you joke it’s taken as sarcasm or being an asshole.

I’ll end this with a story. It was a couple years ago, my grandfather passed away that January and I took it hard. There wasn’t anyone to talk to or grieve with, everyone just sort of assumed I would be okay. A couple months later my aunt died and after the funeral I just didn’t want to be alone. I went over my cousin’s house because I knew that’s where a lot of my family would be and literally everyone there was surprised to see me. People I’d grown up with and had sleepovers with acted as though it was the weirdest thing ever. I listened to inside jokes from years of them hanging out, I watched people speak to me as though I was their neighbor that went to college and was coming by to give my condolences. How do you make a situation more awkward? You tell people, “Hey! I’m right here! I’m trying!” I wasn’t going to do that. That’s what my world is like.

That ladies and gentlemen is a rare glimpse into unfiltered Demez. It’s wanting to stop by a friend’s house on a Sunday afternoon and not, it’s looking at your phone all Thanksgiving and realizing not one person text you to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’ It’s calling someone to say “I’m sorry for your loss” and they laugh at how uncomfortable you are. It’s knowing there’s a good chance most of your relationships will fail because your tormented by the need for affection and the curse of isolation. It’s seeing people enjoy life and wondering why you weren’t invited knowing that if you were there, they wouldn’t be having the fun they’re having.

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

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One Man’s Missed Opportunity Is Another Man’s Gift

What you want do another man will? That’s one of the more popular articles I’ve written. There’s another side to that story though, there are a lot of men with women they only have because the man she wanted and probably still wants wouldn’t act right.

There are a lot of men right now that are i

Wear my shirt so I know it's real.

Wear my shirt so I know it’s real.

n relationships with top 10% type women simply because they’re acting right. Women that are beautiful, funny, smart, ambitious, sexy, fashionable. Women that other men dream of and other women envy. Two, three years ago she would have never looked at him but because the man she was in love with wasn’t acting right she got tired and gave some guy a chance.

Ask a woman about the man she loved the hardest, the one she cried over and helped pay bills and would do anything in the world for. Rarely is she still with that guy because those guys never grow up, they never step up and accept responsibility. Let me not say never but rarely. They may grow a beard and wear better clothes and cologne but they still have those same habits that cause heartbreak and sleepless nights. Women get tired of that and they’re willing to sacrifice certain things for respect, honesty, sincerity and knowing a man is who he says he is.

Being passionate is great but rarely does life take place in the extremes and passion is an extreme. The older we get the more we crave consistency, thoughtfulness. We laugh and smile at the sex in parking lots and the spending bill money on trips when we’re young but as we grow so does the nature of what makes us happy.

For some reason there are men and women that get pleasure out of using terms like, “You can have my leftovers” or “I went out with her a couple years ago.” Implying since they had that person first it means something. What most of those people don’t want to mention is that they usually called, text’d, begged to try and get them back and once none of that worked they simply resorted to slander. We don’t believe you and even if we did why does it matter?

Saying you had someone first is nothing to brag about. You can’t be over the age of 23 and not have been with someone in your life on a physical or emotional level. Whenever I see a guy bragging that he “hit” a chick in 2006 or a woman who just has to tell her friend that a guy “tried to talk to her” in 2010 I’m wondering their motivation? You know what’s really sexy, what’s really cool, moving on. Leaving the past in the past. I’m pretty sure when I get married there will be men that have seen my wife naked, as long as they aren’t currently seeing her naked. Enjoy the memories, I have the real thing.

~ Demez F. White

Everyone Dies But Not Everyone Lives

If I told you, you were going to die in a month, would you be satisfied with the life you’ve lived?

Would you cry over the kisses you didn’t attempt? Over the gigs you didn’t give?

Would you feel sorrow over not working enough or working too much?

If life is truly a gift why treat it like a burden? If every breath we take is a present from God why do we act as though its annoying?

To live life is to feel! To live life is to feel the sting of emotions happy and sad.

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to die alone. To die unaccomplished. Death is but the footnote. The story, the novella is what we do with this gift called life we have been given.

What shall you do with yours?

~ Demez F. White

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If I Buy You Lingerie; We Go Together

20140327-200825.jpgIf I Buy You Lingerie; We Go Together

Lingerie is a unique gift because the simple truth is if you hand a woman a bag with something sexy in it, she’s not putting it on right then and there. You hand her that bag and you’re saying, “I want you to show up to my house in this when I least expect it.”

You buy a woman red roses and you’re saying, “I’m starting to fall for you if I haven’t already.” You buy a woman chocolate and you’re saying, “I wanted to make you smile so here’s something sweet; sort of like your kisses.” But if you buy a woman lingerie you’re saying, “This Fredrick’s, this Victorias Secret, this La Pearla is because you’re amazing in bed and even though this is coming off as soon as I see you in it; I just think your body would do this justice! And…. We go together!”

I’m a guy that very much believes in romance in its most dramatic form. I’m not to cool for stomach kisses and chocolate and champagne. I don’t think sending you a text and asking you to wear that dress that I love and that lingerie I got you is controlling. I feel like that’s sexy and what we’re supposed to do. The same way if it’s cold and rainy and I have to leave my house to get you Chinese and deodorant isn’t you being controlling.

I get frustrated at times with certain segments of society because they feel as though you can’t have extreme passion without simplicity. They work together, they always have. Black lace and thigh high boots on a Friday don’t mean sweats and fuzzy socks can’t happen on Sunday.

Lingerie is perfect and I haven’t bought any for anyone in a while. Spring is here, summer shortly after. I’m looking forward to showing up with that bag in my hand.

14 Perfectly Romantic Valentine’s Ideas

vday idea 14 Perfectly Romantic Valentine’s Ideas

14- Get a list of about 30 songs, some hip hop, some love songs, some oldies. Buy a couple aprons and her favorite liquor and make a pizza and hot wings together. You can get a recipe online or buy the dough already made. You avoid crowds and make a mess, good times.

13- Give her a bunch a money in a card when some heartfelt words. Women love money, they love words. The sex will be great and you can go out on the 15th when flowers are regular price again.

12- Hire a masseuse to come in and give you two a massage. They’re a lot cheaper than you think. Invest in some candles, some thick plush white towels and make a day of it.

11- Take her to a restaurant that you’ve never been to that you know will be packed but make reservations. Hold her hand, walking through the crowd and while everyone else is waiting you go straight to your seat. She’ll be beyond turned on.

10- Go the fun route, go to the gym and workout together, it’ll be empty. A lot of people get this idea that Valentine’s Day has to be romantic, sometimes it just has to be a good day.

9- Today marks a week before it’s Valentine’s, ask her to take a half a day next Friday and meet you at a hotel. Get some takeout, some wine and have hotel sex. I don’t know why but it just feels different. But remember to stop and get her some fancy soap. Women love fancy soap.

8- Role playing is underrated. Of course you have the sexy nurse and cat burglar type of roles but I’m talking something simpler. Showing up and pretending to be two strangers, letting the stories roll. You have to have an artistic personality and be creative but it could be fun with the right approach.

7- Just ask her what she’d like to do.

6- Write her a love letter for every special day you have shared. Maybe some of the days she doesn’t even remember. Like the first day you saw her, the first day you kissed her, the first day you made love to her. Write to her about a moment where you were having a horrible day and she saved you, made you smile. Give them to her while you’re driving and then drive far, let her read them in the passenger seat with music playing and memories spinning.

5- Take a trip. Tell her to pack a bag and you’ll be gone for three days. If she trust you and feels safe she’ll roll with it. Big is always great but a small road trip is good too. Don’t let money dictate how much fun you can have.

4- Slow dance at the top of a parking garage.

3- Take her shopping and let her model the clothes for you.

2- Send something to her office that she can share. Women love bragging even if they’re modest. Send cookies or cupcakes or food to her job, enough where she can share. Where all her co-workers can see. Let other people know she’s loved.

1- Kiss her a lot, cuddle on the couch, order Chinese, bit her thighs, lick her stomach. Enjoy the moment.

5 Steps to Turn Your Woman’s Bad Day Into A Perfect Day

a pink gift box All women have bad days, some are simply days where she feels down or tired, others are truly bad days. Someone she loves gets sick, her boss tells her they’re downsizing, she tries to put on her favorite pair of pants and they are so tight she can barely breathe so she’s forced to hang them back up and vow vengeance against all sweets and hit the gym.

Regardless of the reason for her sadness it’s up to you as her man to fix it.

So here is a five step process I’ve only done once in my life for someone but in my mind a million times. I’m going to go with my preferences and what I’d think she’d like, some things can be substituted depending on the woman you’re with.

Five- Let her vent, a lot of women get leery of always feeling like they’re complaining so they may want to hold it in. Let her know you’re there to listen, that you care about how she’s feeling. Let her text her heart away and call you and curse out whoever is the cause of this bad day. Don’t try to give this great and reasonable advice, just listen and let her know you haven’t put the phone on mute or are getting bored. The more she talks and lets it out the better she’ll feel.

Four- Depending on the time of day and the woman that she is send her lunch. A pizza, a salad, Chinese, there’s always places by her job that deliver. It just takes a little time. If this happens past lunch, don’t sweat it. Send her flowers or a gift certificate to her favorite dessert place. We live in an age where technology makes life so convenient. You can get a gift certificate from anywhere with the click of a mouse or smart phone and a credit card. No matter how bad her day is going that small gesture will let her know at least one person is in her corner.

Three- You have to know your “her” and take advantage of what it is she loves. If she’s a workout woman, buy her some new running shoes and hit the track with her. Go to the gym and bet her she can’t beat your calorie burns on the elliptical. If she’s a drinker, find a happy hour that’s new and hip, somewhere she’s never been but you know she’ll love. Or maybe she’s just one of those, “When I get off work I want to take a shower and sit on the couch women.” Cool, buy her a couple of magazines and a bunch of candy. Know your “her,” and adapt to what makes her smile.

Two- In my ten years of dating and my four years of dating as a man that understands women a little better than most I’ve come to the realization that women love food. I’ve personally never met one that didn’t. Some eat a lot more than others, some have way better pallets than others but they all love a good meal. If she’s the type that loves going out, text her right before she leaves work and tell her you’re coming to get her at 8 for dinner. If she’s the no going out on work nights type, bring the dinner to her. Even women that love cooking hate doing dishes and even if you’re a man that likes to cook she’ll still appreciate the effort. They don’t call them foodgasms for nothing.

One- Take control of the situation. If she’s so depressed that none of the other things work just pick her up, sit her on your lap and tell her that everything will be alright. Don’t be the guy that walks in the other room while she’s in the bedroom sleeping and crying. Don’t be the guy that goes home because you did all these romantic gestures and she’s still mad or sad, it’s not always about us. Inconsistency scares the hell out of women and if you can’t be strong when she needs you for a small crisis, what do you think she’s thinking if some real shit jumps off?

Breakup Sex or Engagement Sex… Candy Cane Tales

“Why are you pouting?” He knew why I was pouting, a month of Christmas shopping for everyone from cousins to my mama and all I got was a couple gift cards and a ugly ass sweater! Hell yes I was pouting! I couldn’t do it around my family.

“I’m not pouting!” He laughed and got up to pour himself another drink.

“What would you call it then?” I snatched the drink out of his hand and walked over to the Christmas tree. I worked hard and paid my bills on time, if I wanted something I could just go buy it but it’s the thought of opening up a gift that just makes Christmas special.

It’s the ‘right’ thing to say, “Christmas is all about giving.” “I’m just happy I could see a smile on my nieces and nephews faces.” But what woman doesn’t want to open a gift and know someone… just one person knows her well enough to know what she really wanted!

“I’m not pouting!” I sat back down on the couch and tried to get into being nosey on FB but all these damn engagements and cute pictures weren’t doing anything for my Grinch like spirit. I shut my laptop and decided that today would be a great retail therapy day.

I wanted to throw a candle at him, watching him stand at the counter and stare at the watch he’d been talking about for a month. Three separate times I had to convince him not to buy the damn thing because I’d already bought it and he shows up with one of the ugliest sweaters I’ve ever seen in my life. And had the nerve to smile about it like he did a good thing!

I just couldn’t take it anymore… “I’m going to the mall.” He stopped me.

“Wait a minute babe, can you stop and get me some batteries for the remote?” Really!? Really?! That’s why he’s stopping me? Asshole! Little did he know I was taking this ugly ass sweater back and I had half a mind to curse the sales lady out for someone not telling him how hideous this thing really was!

“Sure I can take the sweater back Alec!” He just stared at me, damn! Did I say take the sweater back? Fuck!

“So you didn’t like it? Why didn’t you just say something?” He leaned against the bar and folded his arms. Great, this is all I needed, now I was going to seem ungrateful.

“It’s just not my style and I figured you would have known my style by now. There’s no shame in having someone take a gift back. Stop being so damn dramatic!” I snatched the bag with the sweater in it off the couch, along with my purse and reached for the door! He snatched the bag out of my hand and threw it across the room!

Was he losing his damn mind?!

“What the hell is the matter with you!?” He just smiled at me like it was the funniest thing in the world. Now I was getting pissed off!

“What is your fucking problem!? So I don’t like the sweater! You don’t have to be an asshole!”

“I don’t need this Kerri! I try and get you a nice gift and you’re around here acting like a child! I’m getting my shit and leaving! Do what you want with the sweater I don’t even care!”

He walked into the bedroom and I could hear him in the closet. Was he really getting his things? What the hell?! Hell no! There is no way he could get this pissed off over me taking a sweater back unless he was already planning on leaving anyway! He has me fucked me if he thinks I’m going to sit here and let him act a fool in my house?!

I kicked my shoes off and threw my purse on the couch! I walked into the bedroom my fist balled and my heart beating a mile a minute, if he wanted to act stupid we could both act stupid! My mouth dropped and the tears started falling before I could do anything about it!

“Asshole! I hate you!” I ran to the bed…

www.demezw.com for the part II

Arden B.

Neiman’s

Victoria’s Secret

MAC

And boxes that were wrapped so I couldn’t see what was inside. I didn’t know where to start! I started hitting his chest and hugging him at the same time!

“So you knew that sweater was ugly as hell and you made me walk around pissed off all Christmas morning when you had all this stuff the whole time?! I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face even though I wanted to choke him to death! Why would you play with me like this?!” He picked me up and sat me on the dresser, wiped my face with his thumbs. He kissed me and between the gifts and this change in emotion I kissed him back like it was NYE.

“You’re spoiled baby and I just wanted to see how you were going to act not having the perfect Christmas. You still gave me my gift, you still gave all your family their stuff and smiled the entire day. That’s when I realized why I loved you so much. I’m sorry for fucking with you. But before you open all the stuff on the bed, I have one more gift I want to give you first.”

He reached in his pocket and pulled out the light blue ring box. My heart stopped beating…

“It’s not the one I wanted to get but if you hang in here with me I promise I’ll upgrade this as soon as I can. I’d rather get this one from Tiffany’s than get something from a store that isn’t worthy of being on your finger.” I was picked up and he stood me up, dropped to one knee and asked.

“Will you marry me Kerri? Will you let me put a bunch of little spoiled, pretty, smart babies in you and drive you crazy and love you and make love to you and… Will you allow me to spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel like you make me feel everyday?”

I laughed… I laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. He looked at me like I was crazy, I shouldn’t have laughed.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I feel to the floor with my fiancé! “I’m laughing baby because I just realized I’m going to be one of these cheesy women on FB with a picture of all these gifts on the bed and this fly ass ring on my finger!

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I stood up and started to strip. They say you should always hold a little something back for your husband, you can’t give away all the tricks. Well, he proposed so he was about to see all the tricks.

“Engagement sex is better than make up sex; take off your clothes so I can show you!”

Part III tonight only on www.demezw.com Engagement Sex!!!