Dear God; I’m A Flawed Man

IMG_0128 Dear God,

I can be insecure at times. If I’m being honest at 4am on a Tuesday morning I can be insecure a lot of the times. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the writer I see myself being in my head. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the husband or father I make the characters in my stories out to be. My insecurities are masked by my talent, by my ability to stop people from getting close to me. My insecurities protect me from my fears.

Fears that consume me. Fears that I drown in the unrelenting sea of bottles that have come to comfort me. Fears that hold my confidence in their hands like the oceans hold fish and ships. Fears that I’m not sure I will ever overcome. Fears that aren’t based in race or religion or sex but fears that are based in emotional and mental uncertainty.

Why is it that I was created this way? Why is it that I can’t see what everyone else seems to see in me? Does it make me weak? Does it make me undeserving of the life you’ve given me? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m destined to be. Sometimes I don’t know just how much my life matters or is going to matter in this world. There are times I’ve looked for signs, prayed for guidance only to feel more lost than when I first fell to my knees.

Last week at this same time before the sun rose I stood on a beach letting the waves wash over me looking out into the horizon trying to see my future. Trying to see if I could be a man better than my father, trying to see if I can be a man better than the man I am now. As the sun rose and my eyes burned from the salt and the tears I couldn’t see it. Falling to my knees in that sand I felt as though. I felt as though I felt nothing which is the worst feeling in the world.

Will I lose everything dear to me, everyone I love? Will I forsake the love you have for me and fall to doubt, envy, insecurity, fear? Or will I rise. Will I grow into the King’s blood that pumps into my flawed heart?

I write about relationships and love. I write about life and responsibility. And even though I have an amazing woman in my life and an amazing family at times I feel as though they’re all an illusion. A dream that turns into a nightmare when I awake and they’re no longer going to be here.

For a man that prides himself on not really needing friends and being able to spend hours and days alone just writing; the thought of being alone in this world scares me more than standing on a beach with a sword waiting on a thousand ships with 10,000 soldiers bearing down on me. Death doesn’t scare me, war or tension don’t scare me. But the idea, the thought of dying unaccomplished or alone scares me to death.

This morning, I just want to talk to you God, write to you. To ask that you don’t give up on me. To ask that you don’t allow me to give up on myself. I will keep fighting with your help. I will keep living with your help. I just need you.

In Your Darling Son Jesus’s Name,

Amen

~ Demez

3 Reasons Spirituality Matters More Than Religion 

Faith is knowing you will make it no matter what. 



1. Being A Good Person- Being a good person still matters in life, at least to me. Regardless of what God you pray to I respect character and a moral code. That’s the thing about faith, you aren’t handcuffed to a set of rules that make you a hypocrite and bigot. 

2. Taking A Moral High Ground- There’s no problem with holding people to the same standards you hold yourself to. To being more moral than those around you. Morality isn’t judging others for their actions but making our actions above reproach. Not being perfect but not hiding behind “we all make mistakes.” 

3. Hating the Sin; Not the Sinner- Whether you agree with homosexuality or not isn’t the issue. It’s how you deal with and approach those that are homosexual or lesbian. Hate, anger, disgust, these aren’t Christian or spiritual values. Did Jesus ever mention hate? Did he ever shy away from those that needed his help the most?

Be a better man or woman than you were yesterday. That’s all any of us can hope for. 

The Pure Essence of Love

Essence

Essence


There’s a purity when the foundation of whatever we’re trying to accomplish is built on love.
The essence of happiness, lust, forgiveness, faith, trust can all be traced back to love.
I want to be a better man, a man that walks in that pure essence of love.

It’s 4:30am and as I sit here with the quiet and my thoughts as my only accomplices I can’t help but smile. Smile because I know that love isn’t lost because it’s not present right now.
Love isn’t this mysterious or hidden riddle that I will never discover. Love is always present because that love is in my heart.
The essence and warmth that sustains me when I feel low, that warmth that covers me is love. The love God has for me, the love I have for myself, the love that is ever present in my soul.

My sins don’t define me. My past regrets are not to ghost that haunt me. The pure essence of love is what helps me get up when I fall down. That love, that essence, it’s universal.
There are nights I cry when I pray. Nights I feel these walls closing in on me and in those moments it’s God’s love that wipes my tears.
Learn to embrace the essence of love. Learn to not gamble with your heart but love with your heart. Unconditionally.

~ Demez F. White

If You Don’t Have Faith In Him; How Can He Have Faith In You

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_n Today I found out someone I used to know is married. I spent the better part of my afternoon sitting in my office just sort of thinking. I often question why things happen the way they happen and in the midst of my thoughts one thought always comes to mind. If God wanted it for me it would be for me. Faith isn’t easy, it doesn’t come with perfect confidence. Not for me it doesn’t. For me faith comes with a lot of praying and a lot of sacrifice. Faith is knowing that he has my best interest in heart even when I don’t.

When we lose faith, in essence we’re severing our support system with God. It’s easy to be happy and to be a believer when everything is going well. When the woman you think you’ll marry is happy and you look forward to going to work. Our faith is tested when that woman marries another man, when you look at your cell for 15 minutes before work wondering if you should call in. The easiest thing in the world is to give up, is to feel sorry for yourself but why give up when he has never given up on you?

In my heart I know that I’m far from perfect, I know that I have so many ways I could better myself. My faith doesn’t allow me to dwell in my imperfections, in my fears, in my rejections. My faith gives me the strength to see past the bad dates or promotions I didn’t get. My faith gives me hope that everything I desire may not come when I want it but it will come. If it doesn’t it’s because God is protecting me from something I didn’t need anyway.

If you don’t have faith in him, how can he have faith in you? Remember that the next time your fears outweigh your convictions.

You’re Not Broken… God Sent Him to Heal You

They say a woman’s heart should be so deeply rooted in God that a man has to know him before he can get to her. I don’t know who ‘they’ are but I do know they have a point. Faith goes to character, faith goes to passion, faith goes to compassion. A love for God is a love for people, for life and for herself.

How can a person know what they like if they’ve never dated? How do you know you love artistic men if you’ve never been out with one? We can be miserable people. How do you know you want to be a stay at home wife if you get bored when you’re off for a week?

I’m not the guy that takes it personal when a woman has lived life. Traveled the world with different lovers, went on dates and to All Star Weekends. Go live life and find out what you want, what you need and get it out your system. When I find you I’m willing to fix whatever bruises your heart has because God doesn’t make mistakes. And him putting us in each others path is very much intentional.

I write for a living, it’s my life. So I get the power of words but I get the power of actions even more. It’s easy for a man to tell a woman, “I’m different,” but show her! Showing her is healing her. It’s making her forget about all the liars, manipulators, users and creeps that broke her down so that I can put her back together.

Losing Blessings By Pretending…

391690_132115926895533_100002913805424_167373_1571942060_nUntil you get rid of the mindset of where you’ve been, you’ll never seize where you’re going.

~ Reverend T.D. Jakes

I listened to a sermon today in which he talked about David and I knew the story of King David. He killed a giant, he was a great king and general and picked up where Moses left off. And I also knew about him taking a man’s wife while sending him into battle. What I didn’t know is that as punishment for having her husband killed and taking a married woman God took the child that came from that union.

David begged and pleaded and promised he would never do it again but God said there had to be retribution for your sins. And that punishment was the death of his child. David cried and mourned and cursed God but in the end he learned from his mistakes and made another son which would end up being one of the greatest leaders in the bible, Solomon.

The message I got from that parable was that sometimes we just have to take our punishment and move on. Told harp on it, don’t carry it like a weight for the rest of your life, just accept that you sinned and that you paid a price.

We tend to judge ourselves harder than anyone and when we’re finished judging ourselves we want to become someone we’re not in order to make up for those mistakes. But how can you truly be sorry if you can’t even accept that the person who made those mistakes is real?

How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing that you’re a lie, a fraud?

When you pretend you’re taking away blessings and you’re stopping your own growth.

A couple years ago I got demoted at work. I kept my same pay but I went from running twenty million dollar construction projects, being my own boss to picking up dead dogs and changing out old stop signs and speed limit signs. I was taking orders from men I’d literally ignored for years, saw them and didn’t even speak to them. I prayed and asked God why this was happening to me and I got no answer. But what I did get was humbled. I learned to talk to people and learned how to follow, to take criticism and instruction. What was a low point in my life became a strength and opportunity and when I realized it all I could do was smile and say, “Thank you God.”

When you have so much pride and such a high opinion of yourself you’re setting yourself up to take a fall. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment because you decided to get on that high horse. You miss out on blessings because you feel like you are the blessings.

I have a lot of growing and a lot of learning to do but what I can say is that I am growing and learning. I’ve missed a lot of blessings in my life fronting and lying, there’s no other way to put it. I’ve lost amazing women and probably hurt so many more. I’ve disappointed family and myself but I can take solace in the fact that God has forgiven me, in the fact that my family has forgiven me and in the fact that what I lost in one woman I’ll eventually gain in another.

Just be you and watch the blessings flow…

Demez F. White

Mid Day Prayers…

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to you today not to ask anything for myself but to pray for the country I love with all my heart. You’ll blessed us with peace, prosperity, resources, freedom and so much more. So when I see the division and hate and fear that’s tearing her apart it breaks my heart.

Only you know what awaits men that have chosen to love other men and women that have chosen to love other women but while they’re here on this earth you created I ask that you give them strength to fight the hate. I ask that you create peace inside the hearts of those that hate them so.

Dear God… I ask today that you heal the disease of racism that’s running rapid. The blacks that hate the whites, the whites that hate the blacks, the hispanics that feel ostracized and neglected; that live in fear of deportation or assault.

I’m praying today that you calm the sexual exploitation of the women I love so much. That you put a sense of value and love and self worth in their heart! That you protect them against those that want to use and abuse them. From the youngest of them to the most mature of them. You didn’t create them for that purpose and I pray they see that.

My family dear God… I won’t be selfish and ask that they live forever but I do ask that you heal them of the pain their feeling. That you allow for the time they do have left to be prosperous and beautiful.

And last but not least I ask that you bless my future wife and give her hope and faith that I’m not only thinking and writing about her but that I’m looking for her.

In Your Darling Son Jesus name.

Amen