2:00am In Houston: The Fears of A Writer

Memories

Memories

I’m at work right now but even if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. I got some news today that someone I love has a medical condition, it’s not just that they have cancer but the cancer is spreading. When they told me I had to be strong for them but my heart was breaking inside. I’m over questionnig God, it doesn’t help anything. I’m not the first man to wonder why loving and good people get sick or struggle and the evil prosper.

I had a choice on Sunday morning. I was up all night writing and didn’t really sleep. Part of me wanted to go to the church, needed to go to church. The other part of me just wanted to get drunk. Tha part of me that wanted that drink won. I hated myself as soon as I took the first sip but I needed it because without it I think the voices in my head would never go away.

There’s no doubt I can write. I’ve been doing it my entire life and I’m only getting better at it. I’m actually starting to get paid for it on a consistent basis. A guy came to me with a script idea, he said every other writer he’d spoken to needed six months for “creative” purposes. I told him I could do it in a month because I can. I see the story in my head before I wrote one line, one scene. I’ll be up at 3am talking to these characters like they’re my best friends.

It worries me sometimes. The fact that I’m drinking more and writing more like I need them to go together. In my mind and heart one can’t work without the other. I miss my friends, the ones I did have at least. I’m telling these secrets and fears to readers instead of calling one of them.

There’s so much isolation in ambition. So much dissapointment in success. You want to know what’s ironic? I have no doubt I’ll reach levels as a writer very few men have. I only doubt that I will be around to see it.

~ Demez F. White

Wanting To Be Better For You

me

Dear Son,

In my mind one when you’re old enough to read this the internet will be replaced by some virtual reality world that makes Google and Facebook look like the slowest things on earth. Until that day comes though I want you to know something, I’m trying my best to be a better man for you. I want you to have a father you can be proud of.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve gradually toned downed the drinking, I’m eating apples for breakfast instead of bacon. Today after work I’m going to get some mint, cucumbers, limes and water to make some drink that’s supposed to make me feel better. I want to show you how to throw a baseball, how to grip a football. I want to be there when you read your first words and write your first letter.

I’m 31 so depending on when I meet your mother there’s a good chance I’ll be in my 50’s when you’re a teenager. I can’t let you beat me in basketball until you’re at least 16. In order to do that I have to do better, I have to be better. Most of my life I’ve let writing consume me. The late nights, the missed meals, the drinking, it’s all been so that I can be a better writer. I suppose I never thought about what sort of man it was making me.

I never had a father that expected anything from me because he didn’t expect anything from himself. I don’t fault him for that because it just wasn’t in him, when I was younger it made me cold. Now it gives me perspective, responsibility. I look forward to placing expectations on you, not to be what I want you to be but to be happy. To know you’re loved and cared for. I’ll expect good grades and for you to eat your vegetables and say yes maam and no maam because that’s what I’ll teach you, that’s what we will teach you. I write these letters because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. If I die when you’re a child, I want you to read these and know you were loved before I ever laid eyes on you.

Let me get to work now so that I can keep getting better.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Father

Why Raising Another Man’s Child Can Be Just As Rewarding As Raising Your Own

Family

Family

What are traits about others that people admire?

Being Selfless,

Passionate.

Happy.

Loving.

All those traits apply to single mothers. Of course we all know examples of bad mothers but most of the women I know lose their mind when their child is sick. They go without if their son or daughter needs a little more to eat or drink even though they know the kid is full. They take off work in order to make sure the kid isn’t at school sick when they know the child was probably never sick to begin with.

Mothers are selfless, passionate, happy and loving as hell when it comes to their children. The good ones are but the great ones are all in.

I recently had a friend tell me that she stopped talking to a guy that she was crazy about because he treated her two daughters differently. He wasn’t abusive or molesting them but the youngest girl was a daddy’s girl so she had an attitude towards him. So he would do things for the oldest girl and not for the youngest. These children were like 4 and 7 by the way.

She said, “Mez, he was being indifferent to my youngest daughter instead of just giving her time to adjust. He bought my oldest some candy, when the youngest asked where hers was, he said; ask your daddy.’ What sense does that make? So I dumped him.”

I could tell she missed him but she did what was best for her child and that made me smile.

My point is this, as a man when you can find it in your heart to love, care for, respect, play with, encourage, teach and just grow with the one thing in this world that that woman loves more than anything else. You’re going to win in life.

I grew up with a generation of people where a lot of us didn’t have father’s in the household. I know a bunch of women my age that aren’t with the men they have children with. My grandparents grew up in a generation where you got someone pregnant and married them, forget that you didn’t love her or that she wasn’t the woman you saw yourself with. You did it because it was right, because being there for her and your children was more important than dating and trying to find ‘perfection.’

When you take on the responsibility of a woman and her child or children; she knows the sacrifice you’re making. She may not talk about it or bring it up but she’s aware that they’re plenty of childless women out here. She’s aware that her child is going to have an adjustment period. She’s aware that the child’s father is either going to be in their life or is in their life and at the end of the day it will be ‘ME’ that has to be the bigger person.

I’ll be the one having to bite my tongue if they’re arguing about child support or insurance. I’ll be the one that has to pick up the pieces if he doesn’t come to get that kid for the weekend and she’s hurting because her baby is hurting.

Once the smoke settles and she realizes I’m not going anywhere, she’ll love me more than she’s ever loved anyone because I’ve handled loving her and that child like they were the most important things in the world to me.

I grew up without a father, my stepfather was a bum. So I don’t know what it’s like to have someone care about me, come to games, come to recitals, pick me up from school and have that man on man talk. If it would have been my stepfather I would have loved that man to death despite his short comings. That’s the thing about children, they aren’t slow, they aren’t blind. They simply want to know that you’re there, there for them. There for their mom, there for that family.

I want a son more than anything in this world but I want a wife first. I want a bestfriend first and I want financial security first.

Being with a woman that has a child isn’t a handicap, it’s a blessing in the sense that I’ll be able to not only touch the life of my future seed or that woman but I’ll be able to touch the life of a child that needs it. I respect women and I understand doing what you have to do to raise your child.

A woman can’t raise a man and a little girl needs a father. She needs to see a man treat her mother like a Goddess no matter how cheesy that sounds. I loved a woman whose daughter looked just like the child’s father, I mean they could have cloned this kid. Every time I tried to kiss her or hug her, the little girl would jump in-between us or look at me like I was evil. I thought it was the cutest thing in the world because I would want my daughter to do the same thing.

We’re adults for a reason, we have to be the bigger people. Children need adjustment periods and when they do adjust they’ll love you just as much as they love their biological father. I firmly believe that but you have to be a man, you have to be real and you have to be sincere.

The friend that I mentioned earlier, we aren’t that cool but if we were I would have went to the doctor with her, I would have went to the Lamaze classes and helped her out with cravings. Not because I want a relationship with her, I don’t know her like that but I would have done it because every woman deserves to have someone there with them and because her child’s father is unworthy. I would hate for those vibes to sink into that womb.

So I don’t know how many male readers I have but if you do read this, give a woman with children a chance and to all the women out there just know that some man will love you and want you not just because you’re fine as hell but because he wants to be an asset to you and your child’s life.

That Awkward Moment I Realized My Friend May Hate Women

That Awkward Moment I Realized My Friend May Hate Women

I’m a fan of Law and Order SVU, I can watch that show every day, re-run after re-run. There’s just something really interesting about the criminal mind to me, how are you wired so differently from the rest of us? I see characters that are rapists, murders, molesters, serial cheaters and in most cases they genuinely hate women. There’s no hope for these men, the honest truth is either you lock them up or they’re going to hurt people again.

So when I write about my friend “hating” women I’m not talking to the extent of Ted Bundy or one of those weirdo’s that sleeps with women to give them HIV. I’m talking on a level I can’t quite understand but I’m starting to see more and more.

Women are talkative by nature. You put a group of women at a girl’s night or in a beauty shop and they’ll gossip. I’ve always felt like there’s nothing the matter with it, it’s just what they do. Men should be different though. Don’t get me wrong, we talk to each other, we share things that we probably shouldn’t be sharing but it’s usually with guys we’re cool with. Our brothers, best friends, guy’s we work with everyday. When I see men start to develop the same habits women have I have to question why? There’s this anger, this resentment that’s bubbling and I just don’t get it.

This is what every guy understands from the 2nd grade on; when the pretty girl with the two perfect ponytails doesn’t get you a lollipop for Valentines. All women aren’t going to like you, they all aren’t going to find you attractive or funny or charming. They’ll be some that just don’t like you period, they may not even know why they don’t like you. What you can’t do is take it personal. What you can’t do is take it out on “all” women. Don’t be that guy that throws around generalizations and bitterness and is just angry. For every woman that doesn’t return your call or that calls too much there’s several that will get it just right. I’m willing to give my friend or any man the benefit of the doubt after they’ve been betrayed or hurt or lied to or lied on but at some point you can’t be that guy that hates women.

What I’ve learned and of course it took me awhile is that the best thing you can do when you feel rejected or played or frustrated is be cool. Some woman lied on you, laugh about it. You ask two women out and they happen to be friends, apologize and keep it moving. You won’t win going back and forth, do you want to be that guy that’s arguing with women that you don’t even like?

Do I know for a fact my boy hates women, of course not but I do know something just isn’t right. I hope he finds his way in life and gets past whatever this is that makes him write stupid comments on Facebook or post tacky pictures on Instagram.

Until then we shall see.
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I’m A Great Guy But…

Author Demez F. White… I would rather lie to you than disappoint you. I know, I know… The truth is the most important thing in the world and from my own experiences I can tell you that the truth usually comes to light over time. That doesn’t stop me from lying with conviction and sincerity. Does that make me an evil person, I would hope not. I think it just makes me someone that despises seeing the look of disappointment on your face.

I’m a great guy but…. I take things to personal. I will seriously stop talking to you if I feel that you’ve offended me in any way. No matter how big or how small, it could be ignoring a Facebook comment, it could be a text message or phone call in which I took offense to. I over think everything and since I don’t really keep people close to me, losing people doesn’t bother me. Well, let me stop lying, it does bother me. Especially now that I’m older, all the dismissals, the people I ignored or dissed. It’s starting to come back to me, dating is cool, but sometimes you just need a friend and the lack of importance I placed on friends over the years is coming back to hunt me.

I’m a great guy but… I flirt waaaay to much! I was in a relationship for 8 years; it was almost illegal for me to even look at another woman. So, now that I’m single I can’t help but to enjoy the spoils of that. One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to stop once I do find someone. The writing hasn’t helped tame this either.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the love of my life because of my insecurities and because of that I push anyone that gets the least bit close away; I’m compounding one relationship mistake I made with bad decision after bad decision in the way I approach women. I see it happening and in my mind I want to stop it but I just keep repeating it.

I’m a great guy but… I set the bar so high that it’s impossible for anyone to live up to my expectations and if by a miracle they do… I’ll set it even higher because I’m afraid to love anyone on a level that could make me weak.

I’m a great guy but… I listen to entirely too much slow music, too many love songs, too many sad songs… I don’t think I’m heart broken anymore and I’m not in love but what I am is a hopeful romantic, looking for that “Hitch” “27 Dresses” “Love Jones” sort of connection but the thing is, that’s not real life. Romances and relationships aren’t created in 1.5 hours with bad storylines and a lot of chemistry. The situation will never be PERFECT; it’s up to me to start thinking more logical.

I’m a great guy but… I’ve never kissed a woman on the first date! I’ve never had a one night stand or even a one night freak fest and I think this has hurt me. Men should get out and sleep around at a certain point in our lives. There’s a reason why they call it sewing our wild oats because you need to get that out your system. I don’t want to be the 50 year old man creeping around trying to re-live something I never had.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the best friend I ever had because I couldn’t accept the fact that she was getting married. Chatting on Facebook for hours at a time, amazing phone conversations, she loved Politics and helping people. She had her own business and was ambitious and she was my friend. A real FRIEND! And I sabotaged our friendship because I would rather end it SWIFTLY then to watch her fade away from me. I still think about her everyday, I think about her because she represents what’s broken in me. She represents the lies I tell myself when I say all I need is my desire to be successful in life.

I’m a great guy but… I’m nowhere near perfect, as a matter of fact! I’m lost at times, but I know I’m not a stereotype or deadbeat. I don’t have children running around; I don’t live off my family or sleep around. I’m a great guy but I’m growing 🙂

If You Can’t Be Their Everything: Then How About You Be Their Nothing

20140422-143306.jpg There’s a point in every dating situation where you come to your Rubicon. That point where you want more than what you and that person currently have. In some cases it’s, “I want to be a wife and you still want to play this house/girlfriend-boyfriend game.” In other cases it’s. “I want a relationship, a commitment and you still want to date/talk.” Compromise is cool, being patient is even better but at some point if someone doesn’t want you to be their everything, then they have to be your nothing.

You can’t be a man like me, a man that lives by these values that endear women to you without having had conversations in which women want more. In my younger year I’d stall them, put them off, tell them what they wanted to hear only to have them realize it was never going to happen and end up hating me. I thank God he removed me from that mindset.

There is a certain calm that comes with releasing a person from mental and emotional bondage. If you know they like you more than you like them it’s selfish to hold onto them knowing you can never give them what they want. Sure you’re content because it isn’t affecting you and in most cases you genuinely like the person but will you ever genuinely love them?

I can’t take credit for these words because I found them online somewhere but I once read, “Sometimes a man’s job is to make the woman he’s with better for the man she’ll eventually marry.” I can’t tell you how many times I read that and thought about all the women I’ve dated and loved than seemed to find true happiness once I left their lives. That didn’t mean I wasn’t a good man, it just meant I wasn’t meant to be their man. I couldn’t be their everything so I ended being their nothing and in that initial hurt they realized they deserved better and they found better. How can I not respect that?

Know your worth and if you really want something, hold out for it.

Demez F. White

Love Letter #9

Dear Future Wife,

a romanceI hope you slept well last night. I hope you had dreams that took you to a place of fantasies and peace. Sitting in my office waiting on this concrete to cure so I could open this road I couldn’t help but think about how incredibly lonely I feel when I’m working at night. There’s no people talking, no phone ringing, no traffic or doors opening.

It’s mostly just me and these thoughts. A hug, a hug would be nice when I get off. A kiss would be better. Knowing you were in bed thinking about me, praying for me, that matters you know.

You want to know what I miss most about having a woman in my life. Not a wife because I’ve never had one of those. Not a girlfriend because I haven’t had one of those in awhile but just a woman I’m talking to that I know cares about me. I miss her being worried. That text at 3am just making sure I’m okay. That call at 5am if she had a bad dream and just wants me to stay on the phone with her until she falls back to sleep.

Can I talk to you about someone? I need to get this off my chest. I found out someone I used to be intimate with is getting married, it didn’t really bother me at first because it’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I sort of put it out of my mind until tonight when I saw a picture. It was of her being proposed to, at that moment it became real to me. Not that I loved her or that I missed her but that she was finding happiness before me? I’m aware of how selfish that makes me sound, that’s why I’m telling you and not a friend or co-worker. I’m telling you because I know you’re the type of woman that gets my heart. That knows why I feel how I feel.

The past year or so I’ve been an asshole to so many women. Women I know were ready to fall in love with me, be there for me, I can’t even explain why. I just knew in my heart they weren’t for me and it was easier to push them away then to keep pulling them in with my actions. I miss intimacy, I miss having conversations that mean something and aren’t superficial but I can’t do those things with just anyone.

I stopped drinking today. A friend asked me to so I did, I just felt like it was time. It’s not a permanent thing, just a couple of weeks but I need to do this to get my mind right. I think my grandmother is doing better, There are days when I look at her and I can see how sad she is but you don’t get over losing someone you were married to for 50 years. My little sister went to the prom last weekend, she was beautiful, looked so grown. Ethan and Erin are getting so big, they’re so smart. They remember and repeat everything. I don’t share any of this with anyone, I should be sharing it with you.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez