Stop Underestimating How Important It Is to Like the Person You’re With

IMG_0001Love. Love is a word we love to use when describing relationships.

“When is the moment you realized you were in love with someone?”

“What do you love most about him or her?”

We are infatuated with romance and love stories, so much so that we forget liking someone is far more important than loving them. Love is emotional, passionate, an all encompassing feeling that can take over your entire life. Love can be based on how someone makes you feel sexually or spiritually. Love can come from someone being there for you when you were at your lowest and they saved you.

Love isn’t always forever. We aren’t robots, the same way you fall in love with someone, you can easily fall out of love with them. What’s just as important, if not more important, is liking the person you choose to give your heart to.

We all have bad habits, some of us leave hair in the sink, some of us leave clothes lying around. Others of us wake up with bad morning breath or bad attitudes. Either way the thing about liking a person is that you can deal with their “stuff.” We all have “stuff,” none of us are perfect but when you genuinely like someone, you can live with their stuff. You want to be around them even when that passion and intensity isn’t there.

For every romantic dinner and intense night of love making there’s five nights of “what are you we going to eat for dinner” and cramping. These are the nights where liking her makes you want to take care of her and go get food or cook because you know she doesn’t feel well. When she’s your friend it’s easy to do, when she’s your obligation you’ll still do it but it isn’t because you want to. It’s because you know you have to. And obligations have an expiration date.

Every man in the world gets annoyed at his woman. It can be her constantly being on the phone, it can be her leaving her clothes lying around the room and playing sick when you ask her to get them up. But liking her makes you laugh and smile at who she is. Liking her makes you forget about the mess and want to hold her, knowing that you can clean the house up over the weekend.

Love is that feeling that makes men tear down castles and write love songs that last a lifetime. But liking her is the feeling that makes you want to spend six hours in a car driving to New Orleans knowing that talking to her is better than anticipating her. One of the reasons we love the feeling of first meeting someone is that we get to anticipate them. The first kiss, the first shower, the first trip we take together. But you have to remember that there’s life after anticipation. The first time is sexy and fun, can it still be fun when it’s the 34th time?

Joe Budden was talking about his relationship with his son and he said something I’ll never forget. He said it’s just different when you love the mother of your child. It doesn’t mean that you love your child any less but the experience of each moment is just different. You’re sharing those moments in a way you can’t when you don’t love her, let alone like her.

Sorry I’ve been away for so long with the writing. I’m back.

Dreams At 23; Reality At 33… Life Happens

IMG_0001I remember being 23 and feeling like I had all the answers. I was a year away from being a Civil Engineer, smiled a lot, thought I knew exactly what I wanted. 33 seemed like a lifetime away but when I saw 33 I saw a wife, a couple children, a career, stability. I was a “good guy,” you know the type. Never in any trouble, parents liked me, always did what was right. I was happy but it’s hard to explain what happiness feels like when it was a mirage. I figment of my imagination.

I hate math, I hate numbers so why was I going to be an engineer? I hate test, I’ve never tested well but I picked a career where in order to succeed you have to take and study for countless test. It made no sense but it felt right.

Sitting at my desk at 4:30am, the house quiet, not hearing or feeling any sounds other than my fingers hitting my keyboard those 23 year old ambitions feel like a lifetime ago. Instead of building homes or bridges I build people, I use words to tell stories that I hope make someone smile, cry, laugh, get aroused, want to fight. I’m not sure I know what happy is anymore or where to find it but I know this path is where I’m supposed to be.

Nothing is happening how I planned it and that scares the hell out of me. I’m the guy that washes dishes and makes up my bed before I go to work in the morning. I pause television shows before dramatic scenes to prepare myself like I know the characters on the screen. I read novels and send personalized emails to the authors thanking them for giving the world their art.

There’s a chance I’ll never have a Christmas tree in my home again. There’s a chance my children will never know what it is to sit on the front porch with their hands over their eyes while I plug in the Christmas lights for the first time. Something I did with my grandmother since I was old enough to remember. This time of year when the leaves start to change and the weather gets cooler I feel so far removed from who I was at 23. It’s a good thing and it’s a terrifying thing.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve come home from work and walked into a house with food cooking and that smell making me miss home. There’s so many days I just sit in my driveway and wonder if this is where I’m supposed to be. No one knows my innermost thoughts. People would rather group chat or text or be on social media than sit on the back of a truck drinking a beer or whiskey and talking about life. I hold my secrets and fears close to my heart because that’s the world we live in.

Questioning if I’m any better than the people that choose the love and attention of strangers on social networks just because I choose wordpress or novels. I fear for my sanity, for my health, for my happiness.

Just some random thoughts from a guy that can’t sleep and is craving a breakfast that doesn’t consist of leftover food from last night. I’ll sip this drink and go make that happen. Thanks for reading if you are.

Why Is My Generation Producing So Many Weak Men?

dwhiteI remember sitting in the garage as a kid and listening to my grandfather and our next door neighbor talk about everything from their wives to work. Men have always talked to each other and has conversations, gossiped but it was usually with each other. One man to another, not six or seven guys in a group chat.

I’m not going to sit on this computer and be that guy that’s mocking men for wearing skinny jeans and sweat pants that look like they belong to a 12 year old girl running track. Maybe that’s the style now and it’s a generational thing but I am going to condemn men for no longer wanting to be men.

This isn’t about being gay or straight or transsexual. That’s not what I mean by not wanting to be a man. I simply mean, we have too many guys out here that take more pleasure in taking selfies or arguing online than they do taking out the trash.

I’m sure women get messaged on social media all the time but ask most women when is the last time a man walked over to them, introduced himself. Started a conversation and was interesting and funny and at the end of that encounter, asked for a phone number or a date? It rarely happens anymore, guys would rather argue online about why women suck than actually pursue them. Comment on pictures and get mad when they don’t get a response. It’s not okay and it’s getting worse.

My father’s generation of men dropped the ball. I know too many men and women in their late 20’s to early 40’s that have no relationship or screwed up relationships with their father’s. Men that don’t know what it means to be strong because they never saw it. I know too many guys that have moved from their mothers house to their woman’s house and the only difference is they respect their mom.

It doesn’t make you weak because you don’t make the money your woman makes or because you’re going through a hard time. It makes you weak when you aren’t trying and when you’re too proud to accept help and it’s at the expense of your relationships well being.

You ever been siting on the couch watching a game and your women comes out the room and asks, “How do I look?” She does a little spin and smiles and you give her that look like, “You aren’t wearing that out this house or if I’m not with you.” She knows it’s not coming from insecurity or being controlling. The respect she has for you and your opinion makes her go in that room and change, she respects your strength, even if she feels like the dress isn’t that short or tight. She’ll do it for your peace of mind. When you’re a weak guy, you can’t make those types of request. Asking her to change, to cook when she’s tired, to come home early because you miss her. You can do that when she knows you hold her down.

You Can’t Be the Source of Her Tears and Wonder Why You Aren’t the Source of Her Happiness

FB-Ring.jpg You Can’t Be the Source of Her Tears and Wonder Why You Aren’t the Source of Her Happiness

Have you ever seen a woman cry? Have you ever seen her not be able to control her tears because she loves you that much and she’s hurting just that badly?

As men we have to be leaders and protectors and that’s not hard to do. You hear a strange noise outside, you tell her to lock the door and you grab the bat or gun and go see what it is. You see a mouse, you don’t jump on a chair, you kill it. You see it’s been raining all week and now it’s a beautiful Saturday; wash her car. What we seem to be failing to protect more than anything is hearts.

A lot of men look at tears as weakness or heartbreak. That’s not true. If a woman still loves you, she’ll cry for you and fuss at you and hate that she loves you. Her tears aren’t tears of, “I can’t do this anymore.” They’re tears of, “Why can’t this man just realize I love him like I’ve never loved another?” You can’t ask her to stop crying when you’re the reason she’s crying. You can’t ask her to be happy and forget about that argument last night because you’re the reason you argued.

You can take her to her favorite restaurant and buy her something to wear with shoes to match. You can book plane tickets to Egypt or Belize and take a dozen pictures of her soaking in the sites, sounds and people. You can try and do everything to make her smile, to make her laugh. The ironic thing is, all you need to do is be the man she’s crying over.

Texting the most inappropriate and flirty things as soon as you leave the driveway for work. Recording her singing in the kitchen or snoring, when she swears she doesn’t, and sending it to her in the middle of the day with a caption like… “If you don’t go out with me tonight I’m going to let the world know you snore.” Getting her to understand and feel as though you’re her bestfriend and loving her, hearing about her day, laughing at her corny jokes. That all those things, all those small things, add up to her not crying and being happy.

4:00am Thoughts From Houston: Fight or Flight

Stop Waiting

Stop Waiting

I have a hard time saying, “I love you.”

Not saying it in the sense that I have a hard time falling in love but just saying the words. I feel like every time I say them too often it loses it’s meaning a little. Those three words are meant to be said during those special moments where your heart skips a beat.

Saying that out loud as I wrote it made me sound Kenny G soft but you get what I mean.

There’s a point in every relationship where you have to make a decision to fight or flight. I’ve been listening to 90.9 KTSU all day while I’m at work and they’ve been playing these old R&B songs. As I listen to them, really listen to them I hear these men talking about these women in a way that men rarely do today. Men talking about loving women that have husbands, men talking about loving women that have moved on but they only want one night.

Music isn’t like that today. Guys brag about sleeping with another mans’ woman but how often do you hear a guy sing about being in love with another mans’ woman? So it made me think, why don’t guys talk about fighting for women anymore? Is it pride? Is it arrogance? Is it feeling that women are replaceable and if she won’t act right another woman will?

Normally I would write in 3rd person as to shift this away from myself but tonight I’ll use me as an example. I think I told myself I would never fight for a woman because how could she truly love me if she allowed another man into her world, into that space where it was even a competition? I get competing for her affections if we’re dating but if we are a couple then how did it make it pass that place that should only be reserved for me?

That was my logic in my younger days and even just a couple years ago but what I came to realize is that thinking like that means you’ve stopped seeing what everyone else sees. Look at a relationship like an NBA season. You could play your ass off and win a championship and enjoy the spoils of that trophy but one day you have to wake up and play that season all over again and the joy you felt from that ring will be eclipsed by the disappointment of not even making the playoffs. So when you get a woman and you win her heart, the season may be over but you still have an entire career worth of Championship moments. Are you willing to compete or are you going to say, “I already won so why am I still giving my all?”

If you push her away or stop being the man you were when she first met you there are repercussions to those actions and life is really cool in this way. Most of the decisions we make are ours to make. Whether you fight or flight; just know in the end you’re the one that has to live with that choice.

Stop Expecting Her to Accept Your Apology; Start Expecting Her to Be Happy

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

Women have more respect for you when you’re genuine and this goes for every aspect of life. Do you love her? Do you want to protect her from anyone that talks about her or wants to do wrong by her? If the answer to those questions is yes, then why be insincere? If your woman puts on a dress that’s not flattering or a pair of jeans that do nothing for her shape, why tell her what you think she wants to hear? Do you want her going out with her friends, going to work, looking a mess? Because if you look her in the eyes and say, “Baby, you look amazing!” She’s going to believe you. When she walks into that office looking like a fool, that’s on you. Just be honest, “I don’t like the way that’s fitting you, what about that purple dress?”

If you’re going to apologize to a woman you hurt; stop expecting her to accept it. Stop expecting that all will be forgiven because you now feel remorse or understand what you did was wrong. Apologies are meant to let someone know that you are truly sorry and remorseful for what you did. They aren’t meant so that you can get your foot back in the door. They aren’t tools for longer conversations that you hope turn into dates that you hope make her remember what you used to have. Women respect sincerity, maybe she’ll never look at you like she once did. Maybe she’ll never hug you and melt because of your cologne or watch you sleep but she’ll respect you. Sometimes an apology isn’t a “Maybe we can be friends” but it’s an “Now we can finally move on.”

You know the best apology you can give a woman? It’s not words, it’s showing her that you’re the man she always thought you could be. Women are so cool because unlike men, their love doesn’t die but it transitions. She can not want you but can be happy that you’ve grown and will never treat another woman like you treated her. That lets her know she mattered, that you learned from losing her and because of her you became this man that she once loved the idea of.

The day I knew I grew up was the day I decided that not every wrong deserves an apology. Not every broken heart deserves a love letter. Letting someone go, letting them be happy, that’s you saying, “I’m sorry and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness.” When you’re constantly trying to find ways to wiggle back into their lives for the same half -hearted apologies, you aren’t allowing them the chance to be happy.

Real love, that love that burns your chest when you can’t sleep. That love that causes food you used to love to taste like bile in your mouth. That love is reserved for the people we never want to see hurt. It’s reserved for the people that come into our lives like a tornado and rip away the memory of anyone that came before them. Love like that means you have to let them go.

5 Struggles That Only Guys Who Date Tomboys Will Understand

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

One- It’s not your hoodie girl! You want to know what an awkward feeling is? Putting on your favorite hoodie and it smells like jasmine tea, raspberry lotion and re-runs of Basketball Wives. Do you know how hard it is to be cool walking into Home Depot or the barbershop and you smell like you should be walking into Bed Bath and Beyond? “Why are you always staining my hoodies with your freshly washed body wash and shampoo? You have like four department stores full of clothes?” “I just look better in them than you do.”

Two- She’s not flirting, she’s just a Patriots fan. You’re having a nice family gathering or game night. All the women are in the kitchen or living room talking about whatever it is women talk about and all the guys are on the porch locked in a vicious battle for domino supremacy. In the mist of the Budweiser’s, whiskey, cigar smoke and vulgar jokes is this 5’2 terrorist that has hijacked the game with stories of how great Tom Brady is and how she knows all these domino rules no one has heard about. All the guys are laughing, she wants to know what’s up with James Harden not playing defense. You want to know why she’s not in the house knitting or exchanging peach cobbler recipes but did you really expect anything different? She’s a Tomboy and it’s just what they do. If you tried to tame her, she’d probably dunk on you while you’re getting a pot out the cabinet.

Three- Everything is a competition. No seriously, it’s like living with a mix between Mayweather and a cheerleader from Bring It Own. “Hey babe, have you seen my watch with the brown band?” “Whoever finds it first gets 10 dollars!” “What? I just want the watch because I have a meeting.” Loser has to wash dishes!” How me BBQ’ing turned into a BBQ death match; I will never know.

Four- Play wrestling will leave you scarred for life. If the future mother of your children and source of your stress grew up with a lot of brothers or boy cousins, there’s a chance she’s going to be a Tomboy. There’s also a chance she knows more wrestling moves than Hulk Hogan before he started hating black people. Sure, it all starts with boy shorts and tank tops and pillow fights until you throw her on the couch and now it’s a war baby. I think I came to work with a dislocated shoulder and broke fibula all because she thought it would be funny to hop on my back and choke me out since “You thought you could just pick me up and spin me around huh?” Webae told Namon in season 4 of the Wire, “You either real or you not Nae.” Well, when it comes to “play fighting” with a Tomboy, I may not be real in these streets son.

Five- Tomboys are pervs. Your ass is never safe. Bent over tying your shoe, she’s going to slap it. Opening up the fridge for some mouthwatering delicious Simply Lemonade, she’s going to grap your waist and give you the “got you!” I’ve never been to prison or in a locker room full of curly haired, colorful fingernail loving jocks but I imagine that’s about how it works. Protect yourself at all times.