Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others

Don’t Lose Yourself In the Expectation of Others
One of the easiest things in the world is to allow the weight of expectations to leave a permanent imprint on your life. You can want so badly to do right by everyone else that you forget what makes you happy and even worse, maybe you never knew what made you happy in the first place.

For me it’s always been writing, it’s always come so natural to me that I don’t believe I appreciated it like I should have. Over the past couple years money has become the motivation and I will be the first to tell you. Every cliché quote you’ve ever heard about doing something for love vs. doing it for money is true.

When I was writing for love, writing for Facebook likes and blog likes and just wanting people to absorb my words, I could write all night. I could barely sleep because I was so excited just to wake up and put words on this computer screen. Once it became an obligation, once putting words on this computer screen became contracts and deadlines, I wasn’t so anxious to get up and write anymore.

What I had to learn, what I’m still learning is that I have to make time for the passion. I have to close the screens that I’m obligated to and open the screens I need. And if that isn’t a microcosm of life I don’t know what is.

It’s okay to take a break from your obligations and feed your soul.

I plan on doing a lot more of that in the year of 2019.

 

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Stop Blaming Social Media or Outdated Stereotypes for Bad Behavior

385448_213663785373354_118911191515281_532154_1408080341_nI’ve been in a relationship for about two years now. You know how many women that I was friends with or that I knew casually have approached me in a manner that’s flirtatious or disrespectful? None. Not one. Every text, phone call or message has been to congratulate me or simply to catch up or say hello. Women don’t find men in relationships more attractive; often times men in relationships let the world know they’re still available.

There’s perception and then there’s reality. You can’t flirt and be accessible and friendly and then complain that women or men aren’t accepting of your relationship. I have some amazing friends that I’d hang out with. Happy hours, long conversations, dropping them off at the airport. Once I got in a relationship or they got in a relationship that friendship dynamic changed. They had a long day, they call their man. They go to happy hour or talk about it, with their man. The same for me. They aren’t acting funny or being fake friends, it’s just called growing up.

I want to ask a serious question. Have you ever seen someone that was in a dope relationship talk about other people’s relationship or problems? I don’t mean casual pillow talk with your man or woman. I don’t mean casual gossip with your girls. I mean, it’s every day and it’s not just one or two couples but it’s all the time. You don’t see that type of behavior out of people that are good. But you see it out of people that are lying to themselves.

If a woman compliments my writing at 2am and I respond in her inbox, “Thanks, I love when women are up late reading my words.” With that one sentence I just told her I was available. I can try and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem with women these days, they think every guy is flirting, etc. But I’d be lying to myself. There are lines you don’t cross and you shouldn’t want to cross. Not if you’re happy with what you have at home.

Trying to Keep My Faith

IMG_0001It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. Awhile for me is a week or so. I just woke up this morning with the desire to put my words down. For me faith is knowing something is going to happen or believing in something even though it hasn’t happened yet.

I have really good days and I have bad days. More good than bad but if I’m being honest there haven’t been too many good days lately. The funny thing is because of these bad days I keep feeling like I’m losing my faith but once I take a step back I realize my faith has been keeping me going.

Growing up my grandparents always told me to watch the company I keep. They told me that I didn’t need to travel in packs. “If you’re going to get in trouble, get in trouble by yourself.” My grandfather loved saying that even though I never actually got in any trouble. I regret that now. I regret not being more open to friendships.

There are times when I just need to talk, have a beer on the back of my truck with a friend and just talk. I never cultivated those friendships so here I am. That scares me.

I’m at a point in my life where I have no doubt I will be a success professionally. My writing is evolving, my readership is growing every day. I’m going to put out three novels this year and all of them are different. I’m at a point in my life where I’ve always wanted to be and sometimes I wonder if there’s a trade-off? Did me being a loner help me with my writing but made me anti-social with everything else in my life?

I once read that every great artist is tortured. That you can’t be a writer without pain. I always thought that was written by people who didn’t know how to write. Now I understand it. Now I understand that in order to find the words you have to live in the darkness.

 

You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

lies You’re Not Where You Want To Be In Life; Don’t Worry, Few Of Us Are

We’ve had beautiful weather almost this entire month. Gas is cheap enough where with a hundred dollars in your pocket you can be in Kemah or Austin for a Saturday of drinks and laughs and crawfish or BBQ. I haven’t had to cut my AC or Heater on in my home in like two weeks which means my bills won’t be harassing me. It’s been a good month so why are there so many miserable people? So many unhappy/ I’m looking for a fight sort of people. It’s because people have a hard time accepting that their version of happy and their story isn’t going to match someone else’s.

You know something I’ve never fully understood? It’s adults that work and live in the real world that make fun of other adults that spend income tax money. I want to scream, “YOU DO REALIZE INCOME TAXES COME FROM TAXES TAKEN OUT OF YOUR INCOME!” And furthermore it doesn’t mean you make too much money when you get no taxes back. Do you own a home, have children, donate to charity, have student loans, the list goes on. So this idea that “I don’t need my income tax money because I’m good” is crazy! I go to work everyday and every month they take taxes out of my check. Do they hesitate to take that money? Can I say, “Chill for a couple months Uncle Sam, I will pay you all my taxes in a couple months.” Yeah, I can’t.

In the mid to late 2000’s I would see people I went to high school with graduating from college and all I could think was, “I graduated higher than them. That person could barely read. They asked me for help with that exam.” I’d see men that cheated or weren’t responsible traveling with pretty women and getting married. Maybe back then I wouldn’t have admitted this but that made me so depressed. There were weeks where I didn’t even log onto Facebook because I couldn’t see that. Ten years later I see the error in my logic. Their happiness wasn’t a condemnation on my value or self-worth. Instead of being happy for them, I was a hater. It’s impossible for a hater to be happy. My journey is my journey, good or bad, win or lose.

I remember being at 300 before it was this new bowling alley and a woman that worked at a law firm invited me to her companies bowling outing. I was working picking up dead dogs, cleaning the sides of the roads, flagging cars at intersections. I didn’t meet them in my work clothes, I didn’t even throw on some jeans and a sweater. I put on a suit and walked in there like I’d just left a board meeting. Gas tank on E, maybe 5 dollars in my pocket. When someone asked me why I was drinking water all night, I told them, “It’s an early morning and I live far.” What I remember most about that night is taking a picture and posting it online and having all these people say things like, “I see you.” “Looking good.” “I want an invite.” I was putting on for some likes knowing I was hungry as hell and wanted to take them up on their offers of drinks and food. Pride and insecurity are horrible combinations. You never know what people that look like they have it all together are going through. Love your journey and your struggle.

A Man Who Finds A Wife Finds A Life

Wife is Life

Wife is Life

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears The Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31:29-31

I’ve never claimed to be the most religious man in the world but what I am above all else is spiritual. I believe that treating people right, doing right by your family and friends and strangers matters in life. Above all else I believe that when a man finds a woman he wants to make his wife; he’s found a life.

The other day some people were talking about how men that have been divorced make better boyfriends, better husbands. Their logic was they’ve already made the mistakes so they know what not to do. I can’t say I fault their logic, isn’t it human nature to want a readymade product? I don’t see it like that though.

I’ve never been married and I very much want a wife, I want a family. Is there a possibility that I’ll be a bad husband, a bad father, a bad provider? No. There isn’t that possibility at all. I know most people will tell you never to be so decisive about who you are and in most cases I’d agree. Never say never. Not in this case though. I won’t fail her, no matter what it takes once I feel in my heart that I want to make this woman my wife I won’t fail her.

Ask any divorced couple you run across if they thought they would get a divorce on their wedding night? Ask a woman that gave every possible ounce of herself to save her marriage if she could have done more and she’ll look at you like, “You just don’t get it.” Ask a man that watched his wife fall out of love with him if he quit on his marriage, he’ll tell you, “It takes two to fight for that union and I was fighting alone.”

I stopped writing that my first marriage, my first wife, would be my only wife because I felt like I was saying that all the people that have been divorced weren’t willing to fight for their marriage. I felt like by saying I wouldn’t let her fall out love with me or give her a reason to not be happy that I know something all these other couples didn’t know. So for the longest time I stopped saying it, I stopped writing “When I get married, it’s God sending me what I’ve been asking for.” I was wrong. It’s not that I’m a better man than these men that have been divorced. It’s not that the woman I’ll marry is a better woman.

Faith means you can’t look at what may go wrong. Faith means just because one out of two married couples are getting divorced, that doesn’t mean you carry around a mindset like, “Let me prepare myself if this doesn’t work.” My mindset is that my first wife, the woman I have my first child with, the first woman I propose to. She’ll be it. We’ll have this life where we build a home, raise a family, help each other grow. I won’t apologize for wanting and believing that we can get it right the first time. A man that finds a wife finds a life because we aren’t meant to do this alone. Life isn’t a fairytale but that doesn’t mean we can’t have happy endings.

~ Demez F. White

5 Ways to Make Her Monday Better

President Obama and First Lady Most people think that Mondays suck because someone doesn’t like their job or they don’t want to go back to work. I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason at all. The reason is weekends can be incredibly fun, incredibly busy. There’s usually running around, alcohol and just good times. So on Monday morning when that alarm clock goes off and she’s thinking about the dress she wore or the good times, all she wants to do is lie down and rest.

Not because she hates Monday but because she’s coming off that weekend high. So whether you’re her boyfriend, her husband or just a guy that wants to be more here are some tips to make that Monday go by just a little bit faster. Tips to make her Monday just a little bit better.

Five- Smart phones make being romantic and chivalrous so much easier in the 21st century. Women love food and what do they love more than food? Free food. I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again, romance isn’t about how much money you spend, it’s about the impact of the gesture. A ten dollar gift card to Starbucks or Chik Fil A sent to her phone at 4am so she gets it as soon as she wakes up is going to make Monday so much more enjoyable for her.

Four- Being silly takes the edge off not just Mondays but any day if the week. I’m not talking dressing like a clown or being a joke but just making her laugh. A funny text, a funny story. Laughter is good for the soul.

Three- Take her to lunch. Even if she tells you my Monday is crazy and I can’t leave, just bring her lunch. Drop it off with a hug, a short note reminding her she’s the truth and let her go back inside. While she’s sitting at her desk rubbing her eyes she’s going to smile knowing you care.

Two- Gossip. Now I know it isn’t tactful for a man to gossip but women love a good story. Calling her and telling her about a co-workers affair or a fight someone had over the weekend. It’s like a soap opera but real life. Conversation rules the nation!

One- Let her know you’re cooking dinner. Her favorite meal or a version of it. Ask her to stop and get wine so she feels involved.

Bonus: Tell her you love her but only if you mean it.

You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

conversation You Can’t Have A Relationship Without A Friendship

“You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.” ~ James Michael Sama

When I was younger I had a bad habit of putting women on pedestals. Everything needed to be perfect; we didn’t go on dates in sweats and t-shirts. There was never any bad hair days or moments where we were super comfortable and honest. I may have been a good boyfriend but I was a horrible friend. So in essence all I was; was a boy. It doesn’t take a lot to be romantic but romance fades. Great sex covers a lot of dysfunction but that fades. Friendships are different though, friendships can withstand so much more than relationships.

A relationship without a friendship means that problems, concerns, insecurities that she has, that she needs to talk about. She won’t be talking about them with you because she doesn’t see you as a friend, as someone she can confide in. That’s why so many people are getting divorced and living these superficial relationships because it’s all about appearances. We look good in pictures together, we look good on date nights but that’s hollow.

A couple should be able to sit on the couch or on the porch and just talk. No filters or sugar coating but actual conversation about any and everything. No judgment, no anger. Sure, there may be an awkward moment but you should be able to laugh it off. She should be able to sit on your lap and cry and in that moment feel better about her situation because you’re there.

I once wrote that nothing compares to a woman that’s in love with you praying for you. It’s different from your mother, sister, grandmother or daughter because there’s an intimacy there that by nature can’t exist with anyone else. That bond that you share with the woman you love makes her not just want to see the best in you but she wants the best for you. Friendships are the same way. The friendship you have with a woman you love doesn’t compare to her girls or mother or some guy friend from college. There’s no competition because that friendship is the base for that relationship.