Who Do You Run To?

Life is defined by moments. dwhite

In-between going to work and making up the bed and brushing our teeth there are moments that shape us. Moments that make us who we are and stay with us. When you’re having a bad day, when you’re having a good day, when you just need to talk to someone. Who is it that you run to?

For some it’s their best friend, for some it’s their mother or sister. For most people in a relationship it’s going to be their significant other. That moment you get good news, he or she is the first person that pops in your mind. He or she is the only person you want to share that news with.

If they aren’t, they should be. It’s not just good news though, when your heart is broken and you need someone to help you put it back together, that man or woman you say you’re in love with; that should be the person you go to first. The person you talk to. If it’s not, then they don’t need to be in your life.

Accepting truths aren’t always easy because feelings get involved, comfort levels get involved. But if you’re more comfortable texting a friend or a random guy on twitter than you are the person you’re with; you just aren’t with the right person. Sometimes we get so caught up in who someone is that we don’t stop and think about how that person makes us feel.

Two Voices: One Relationship; One Year

Her Words

Paradox. Thru my eyes my first year in this relationship is summed up in one word: Paradox. This year has been the most beautiful ugly I have ever experienced. We weren’t supposed to be; two tortured souls on different sides of the fence. I’m not even sure we were supposed to be friends. A slave to pain, I knew I loved you the fist time you hurt me. I needed someone to love, I needed someone to gift myself to.

His Words

I’m not even sure what the word paradox means, even though I’m a writer I suck at spelling and am horrible with definitions. If I had to sum up this first year in one word it would be, scary. I’ve spent my entire life being responsible to myself, to my own feelings. Learning to be responsible for someone else’s feelings, someone else’s heart, it scared me. I’m not sure I wanted a girlfriend or even someone to seriously date. I think I just needed a best friend. I needed that Love and Basketball, Brown Sugar, No Strings Attached type of friendship. How do you prepare for needing one thing and falling into something else?

mr-and-mrs-smith2

Her Words

I’ve learned so much in the first six months, like how it’s possible to love again. How the definition of love stays the same but the connotation changes. The expressions of love are all individualized. The allocation of love is circumstantial; and my love for the man that fell into my life was unconditional. I had never lived away from home let alone with someone. To see him have my back everyday despite fights, personal feelings, and dealing with his own demons, made my respect for him grow. All while hating his flaws and mistakes.

His Words

I should write a how to manual. How to be a jerk in six months time, how to push someone in six months time, how to lie and be unapologetic in six months time. What do you call it when you’re not a boy but you’re not a man? When you’re responsible and logical and respected but spoiled, insecure and demanding? You call it the first 6 months of this relationship. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s not that I didn’t want her around, it’s that I didn’t know how to return the all engaging love I was being given. Is it possible to resent someone for wanting the best for you, for seeing the best in you? Is it possible to want her to see your flaws so that your words don’t break her heart?

Her Words

The last six months unveiled myself to me. How would I deal with REAL temptation? How would I hold up under real adversity and trials? I’ve let myself down a lot over this past year. But I would redo it every time. Some are not privileged to experience what I have experienced in this past year. To find love once is rare. To experience it on this level; even more so. This year was crazy beautiful and painfully sweet. This year wasn’t fair to me. This year broke me, scarred me, aged me, contradicted me, taught me, soothed me. This year gave me valuables.

His Words

For most of my life I’ve prided myself on being a better man than my father. On being a better man than most of the men I know. This last six months have shown me that every man is one mistake, one relationship, one loving or forgiving woman a way from his own self destruction or self reflection. I have no regrets because each fight, tear, loss has lead me to this exact moment right here. In a generation of women that seem to want everything ready made it’s rare to find a woman that wants to fight the war with you and doesn’t just want the kingdom. She still talks a lot and wears waaaaay too many of my good shirts to lounge in but I wouldn’t exchange her for the world. Well, maybe the world but not a city or country or something 🙂

Destination Wedding! Memories To Live For!

Paradise Wedding

Paradise Wedding

I know a lot of people but I don’t have a lot of friends. I’ve become comfortable with that. You have a circle of people you can depend on, talk to, love and the rest are simply associates. Knowing this about myself and of course depending on the woman I marry; I have no desire to have this huge wedding where we’re feeding 300 strangers and stressing out over flowers and bridesmaids and whether or not we should have an open bar because, well, receptions are just better with open bars.

I still make mistakes, a lot of them, but over the years the one thing that I don’t do anymore is compare who I am to who other men are. If a guy has 12 fraternity brothers or played football and is still cool with most of his teammates maybe he wants that big wedding. If a woman works at a hospital and knows every nurse at St. Luke’s maybe she’s looking forward to having 12 bridesmaids.

This isn’t about “my way is better than your way,” it’s simply saying I’d rather spend 30k on a trip to paradise, living like royalty for two weeks and maybe enough for a down payment on a new car or home. Seeing her in the dress is important but the only reason is because it’s her in the dress. Not the lace or the fit or the designer. Let’s use that dress to make memories I can place on my desk while I write, I can look at on my phone when I’m mad at you and remember why I need to go home instead of to happy hour.

Men aren’t supposed to care about these sorts of things but believe me when I tell you I do. Taking underwater pics, me in my tux, you in your dress. Jumping off a cliff into a waterfall representing us jumping into our marriage fearlessly! Cake on your chin, icing on your dress. Sand on our toes, we’ll look and feel a mess but the pictures and memories will be worth it. I have no doubt about that. A destination wedding is the way to go!
under wedding3

It’s His Loss I Promise

20140316-204426.jpg Life can be ironic in this sense. Most men at some point in their lives screw it up with a woman that’s perfect for them but convince themselves it wasn’t meant to be. Those same men can watch another man screw it up with a woman and say, “I can’t believe he let her get away.

I usually write in 3rd person because I was told by a great writer to never make the writing about you. Tonight I’ll ignore his advice just this once. I have no earthly idea how or why he let you go but he’s a fool. Maybe he did something that’s unforgivable or maybe he just doesn’t get it but he will regret it. Whether its tomorrow, a month from now or a year from now. You are the definition of the woman men not just want but need and I promise you this is his loss.

What makes you so utterly amazing? You have this huge heart, you’re a great friend, you have this dope relationship with your father that gives you warmth and character. Your faith shines through you and beautiful isn’t a word I’d use. More like stunning or enchantingly gorgeous. No person is perfect but all your traits make you damn close. I’ve met celebrities, business tycoons, authors I grew up reading and the only time I’ve gotten star struck is when I got to speak to you.

Sensuality isn’t tangible. It’s not a tight dress or bouncy hair. It’s not the way you walk or look when you’re in deep thought. Sensuality is a feeling, a vibe that follows you wherever you go. It’s that thing that makes men stare and think, “Damn.” To be sensual is to command a room with a smile and confidence similar to a Geisha in a Japanese Garden. Your sensuality impresses me and I’m a romance writer.

It’s his loss and for that its out gain. I was wondering what I was going to write tonight. Thanks for the inspiration and I wish you the best. Broken hearts heal by the way.

What Love Isn’t?

woman in rain Love shouldn’t have you feeling anything but amazing. So often people mistake hurt, loneliness, lust for love but the truth is when you’re really in love it gives you more than it takes from you. It becomes such a big part of you that it changes you.

One- You should never feel lonely. Even when the person you love is away there should always be a part of him or her that’s with you. It’s okay to miss someone or to need to feel them or see them but that need should never make you feel empty.

Two- Love is happy, you laugh more, you lose track of time when you’re on the phone having dinner. Text and inside jokes that wouldn’t be funny to anyone else in the world is funny to just the two of you. People around you see that happiness, some resent it, some envy it, some want it. Either way they see it, it shows in our walk, our voice, our actions.

Three- Love is giving. You never really ask, “what about me?” It becomes what can I do to make this person happy. You can have this mindset because you know that they’re going to do everything in their power to make you feel the same way. You can’t wait to kiss her, to buy a gift, to cook a dinner. She can’t wait to surprise you in the morning or buy tickets to a game. The more you feed into love the more it gives back to you. Especially when it’s genuine.

Four- Love isn’t shameful or sneaky. I always smile when I hear people say they hide their relationship because they don’t want others in their business. I haven’t been able to share my love with the world in the past and it fucked me up. When you’re in love you want to tell the world about how great she is, about how everything she does is just dope! You take a bunch of cheesy pictures, you look rough when you’ve spent the weekend over there because you didn’t want to go home. Going home meant less time you could spent together. If she’s sick and needs me, I’m there because love says I need to be there. I want to be there.

Five- Comfort. The best sleep in the world is when you’re sleeping next to someone that you know has your back. You have a bad day at work, there’s no worrying because the worst day at work doesn’t compare to a simple day with her. Ten hours of bullshit and meetings and whatever is wiped out by her smiling and asking what you want for dinner.

Love is a lot more things but it’s almost time for me to go home so I’ll pick this up at a later date. Love is really cool during the Holidays by the way!

Love Is Addictive

Take a look at my lady, and my day began to shine.
Told her, “Baby being beautiful is a state of mind, and you are.”
So, had to let your mind and your heart know, as you grow, the more, the more I see God glow.
I know it’s probably strange, seeing your body change.
Can’t fit your clothes, nose ain’t the same.
But love still remains, it won’t vary with me.
Look at you and smile, thinkin’ Damn she carry a me!
A life we created, we can cherish forever.
You growin, but it’s sexy, the sex is even better.
But through thick and thin, pickles and peanut butter, is a divine mother, queen and supreme lover,
U still got it.
~ Common and Jamie Foxx “U Still Got It”
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I was listening to Pandora and this song came on that I hadn’t heard in awhile but for some reason I really listened to the lyrics today. Jamie Foxx can really sing but it’s more than just that. I heard Common’s verse and I just really listened to it. It’s about his wife being pregnant and how her body is changing and she’s a little self conscious but she’s still beautiful. Her nose spreads a bit and she’s gaining some weight but it’s okay because you’re caring a life we created together. I’ll never say that I wouldn’t date or marry a woman with children, that could be God’s plan for me. I do know though that I want to share that experience of having a child for the first time with someone. I want us to both be excited when we hear the heartbeat for the first time. I want to calm her when she can’t wear the pants she’s been fitting in for the past five years, I want to go out on the late night food runs if that makes her feel better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m old enough to know there’s some nasty stuff that can come with a pregnancy. It’s not all like the movies and baby shower commercials but when you love someone, like really love them, does it matter that she’s throwing up or breaking out or moody?

Music has a way of speaking to you even when you can’t quite relate to what the song is saying.

Demez

Love Is Not A Fairytale… It’s A Truth

20130710-053801.jpgThe Princess kisses a frog and he turns into a Prince. The poor peasant girl goes to the ball and ends up becoming Cinderella. The lowly soldier finds a sword in the weeds and becomes the greatest soldier the world has ever seen. You close your eyes and pray and the next day God sends you the person of your dreams.

All of those sound amazing and I’m sure so many of our lives would be so much easier if these stories were the norm but the truth is love is no fairytale. Love is incredibly dangerous and vicious and even at its best it’s scary.

When you love someone it’s impossible to be logical because there’s nothing logical about love. It’s easy to say we should always put our own best interest first, easier said than done. Let me ask you a question, if you let someone borrow your car for a day and they brought it back to you scratched and dented would you let them borrow it again? Probably not, you’d get it fixed and move on. If you let someone stay at your home and they scratched the floors and stained the furniture and started a grease fire in the kitchen you’d kick them out ASAP. We treat material things with such importance but we put our hearts thru hell! That’s because when it comes to love we take ourselves to limits even we didn’t know we had, limits that can literally break us.

Sex feels so good because God created it to reward us for marriage and creating life. We love these little people that look like us, we post pictures of them and would give our lives for them because they were created from those sexual unions. They were meant to be rewards not burdens. Society has turned that love that comes natural into fear. I’m not a parent but even I can see how just sending your child to school can be scary as hell.

Love doesn’t come without sacrifice, sacrificing your good sense because who in their right minds would put their happiness and sanity in the hands of another?

@authordwhite on Twitter.

Waiting on Perfect…

FB-Ring.jpgI believe in love at first sight.

I believe in lust at first sight.

For me they aren’t mutually exclusive. They go hand in hand and for that reason and that reason alone I knew she was the perfect woman from the moment I saw her in my mind. I think it’s selfish to ask God for my desires when I have so much, I’ve always felt that way. He still knows my mind, knows my heart. When he created her, I’m positive he did it for the sole purpose of making me one of the happiest men on this earth.

She’s the perfect woman because she wears her flaws like a badge of honor. She’s not insecure about those imperfections or worried what people will think, she knows what they think and she embraces it! Encourages it! It’s better to know and use their hate against them than to ignore it and pretend.

She’s the perfect woman because her smile turns lives around. People can’t help but to see her and realize that life isn’t so bad after all, that whatever is hurting or stressing or missing can only get better. Her smile makes me feel like I could write a 1000 bestsellers all before breakfast! Her smile turns me on to the point where I could make love to her on a loveseat in the middle of Toyota Center and not care who is watching.

She’s the perfect woman not because her body screams “f*ck me” but because she’s tone death to that scream! She doesn’t need ass shots on the bathroom counter or shorts that leave nothing to the imagination. She’s the most beautiful woman in the room in jeans and a t-shirt. She shows up to Happy Hour tired in a pencil skirt, blouse and heels and makes other woman self conscious. With all that she’s Ray Charles to the bullshit.

More than any of that, more than all of those great traits….

She’s perfect because she’s perfect for me. When I have writers block and can’t find the words her voice and touch bring me back to that place that allows me to be great! When I’m stressed or sad the image of her smile does more for me than praying ever has.

I once heard a pastor say that if you love anything more than you love God he will take it from you to prove to you that he’s almighty. I don’t doubt that for a second because I know with all my heart I love her more than any man has or ever will love a woman. When the day comes when I stand in front of our Lord and Savior I’ll look him in his eyes and tell him…

“You knew what would happen when you created perfection and if a second on earth with her gets me a lifetime in hell I’ll take that tradeoff every day of the week!”

You’re the perfect woman because you’re perfect for me; I’m just waiting to meet you.

 

Love > Pride… Some People Are Simply Irreplaceable

Through heartbreak we find out how strong we are. But it’s that same heartbreak that betrays us when it’s time to move on. Not every touch shoots the same current up your spine. Not every text or call receives the same smile before you answer or respond. Not every one is replaceable no matter how much Beyonce sings it or friends preach it.

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and had something so delicious that for the weeks following nothing you ate came close to satisfying you? Or maybe you have a date that’s flirty, cool, smart, attractive and for those 90 minutes you realize why you put up with all the bullshit; because of moments like this. So the next guy that you hang out with has lost before he started because he can’t compete with that perfect date.

Those feelings, multiply them times ten and that’s what it’s like trying to replace someone that you truly loved.

People use the word love effortlessly. I love Scandal, I love the Lakers, I love Pappadeaux or Morton’s. Even the people we date, the word love can flow from a person’s mouth in a matter of weeks but love isn’t a noun or adjective. It’s a verb. It’s an action word that derives from feeling like your heart is about to explode with happiness. Love is not sleeping because she went out and didn’t let you know she made it home safe. Love is smiling for no reason because you’re thinking about something silly she did.

Love isn’t fighting over her, love is fighting for her. Pride will make a man threaten or fight someone over a woman but only love can make you fight for her because love and pride cannot co-exist if you want her in your life. I say this not as a writer but as a man that has lost more than most people can imagine or bear because of my pride. Pride tells you that you can replace her, that what you’re feeling is weakness; but love tells you that sometimes you have to be weak and vulnerable in order to get to happy. Not all women are created equal and therefore some women are just irreplaceable.  

We tell are ourselves that no love is worth shutting down, that life happens and no matter how hard the pain hits you, there’s always a tomorrow. I’ve often said that God doesn’t take something out of our lives without replacing it with something better… But the truth is not all loves and romances and memories are created equal. And if they aren’t created equal how can you replace one with another? You’ll never get the same goosebumps, the same fear when they don’t call or joy when they touch you. Our minds can tell us that we can replace them but our hearts and bodies don’t lie in those moments where we lie unfulfilled and alone.

My Girl Has A Girlfriend…

“We’re not doing this in our bed. Don’t think too hard, don’t call me. Just meet me at the Magnolia Hotel, the front desk will tell you what suite.”

The note was pinned to the refrigerator. Written in red lipstick on pink paper. I read it three more times to get some clarity but the more I read it the more my mind was going crazy.

“We’re not doing this in our bed?” Was it syrup or whipped cream? Was it going to get that messy?

A quick shower, traded in my steel toe boots and polo shirt for a light sweater and slacks. Don’t call, don’t text is what she wrote. She wanted me to lose my mind thinking, she wanted me to be surprised.

Valeting my truck, ignoring the increasing thunderstorm falling down I walked in the lobby. Told the man behind the counter my name and he smiled and told me the suite was on the 5th floor. It was the only one on that floor so I couldn’t miss it.

For whatever reason his smile had me wondering what he’d seen that had him giggling.

Knocking on the door, smoothing out the cashmere, I stepped back from the door when a woman that wasn’t my wife opened the door.

“I’m sorry. I must have the wrong room.”

She laughed and reached for my hand, “You don’t remember me do you? We met at Whitney’s graduation party and we’re FB friends. You have the right room.” I let her take my hand.

“We’re not doing this in our bed.” The words made sense now. The woman in front of me who’s name I still couldn’t remember was gorgeous. A short hair cut, toned body, full breasts. She wasn’t naked but I could tell she wasn’t wearing much under the short silk robe. And from the two bottles of empty wine on the table I could tell she was tipsy.

“Where’s Whit?”

“She’s went downstairs for a massage. She wanted us to talk first, she wanted to make sure you like me. Said you may not feel comfortable?”

“I am a little surprised but I’m not uncomfortable. Did you and my wife do things like this before we were married?”

She sat on the bed and sat Indian style, she definitely wasn’t wearing anything under the robe.

“Your wife has always been the life of the party and the leader in the room. Me and Whit have had some adventures. After school I put up my laptop, cell and traveled the world. Half my family thought I was dead, I got back and found out Whit was yours and not mines anymore. I’m your wife’s ex- girlfriend and she brought me here today to give her husband an early Christmas gift.”

She stood up from the bed and let the robe fall to the floor. Like it was all planned or just perfect timing my wife walked thru the door and kissed me on the lips. Stepping out of her tank and sweats she pulled the woman close and kissed her like I’d only ever seen her kiss me. Turning her around, standing behind her I watched as she traced her body and and sucked her neck. She was in complete control. Don’t just stand there husband, she’s your too tonight.

To Be Continued…