Find Someone That Can Help You

IMG_0629When I was growing up my grandfather and uncles would always tell me to “find a woman that can help you.” And I never really understood what they were saying because for the most part they all worked and paid all the bills. Were they telling me to get a woman that would “take care of me?” Were they telling me to be a leech? That literally made no sense to me, especially coming from them.

Now that I’m older I’m starting to understand what they meant and it has nothing to do with a woman “taking care of you.” I believe it has to do with finding a woman that understands she has to be someone that knows what she has to do. That knows it not only takes more than one income but knows how to make moves that will benefit the relationship.

This is the thing about life. If you aren’t going forward, you’re going backwards, because even if you’re standing still you aren’t progressing.

I’m at work listening to this new Drake album and one thing stands out to me. He keeps referencing that “I did this all by myself.” And it’s music so I won’t take it literally but I have noticed that our generation has this mindset of, “I’m doing this alone and that makes me cool.” The thing is though, none of us do this alone. No man or woman is an island and what’s important is that you find someone who wants to not only help you keep your island afloat but who wants to make your island the best island ever.

I never write about marriage because I’m not even engaged nor have I ever been married. I’d feel like a snake oil salesman trying to tell a woman how to be a wife or a man how to be a husband. But I do often write from my own mistakes. I have been with women that weren’t doing so well and instead of being supportive or calming I was an asshole. Dismissive, belittling, impatient. Everything I tell men not to be. Finding someone that can help you isn’t just finding someone to split bills with. It’s finding someone that will understand when there’s no money to split bills with. That will still see your worth after life happens. Anyone can help with a check, can you help when the light at the end of the tunnel feels 500 miles away?

Are They Looking For Help or Falling In Love?

perfect love The difference between someone loving you and someone trying to escape the prison they’ve set up around their heart is barely visible to the human eye. As a matter of fact it could take years for you to actually realize that they were looking for help and not looking for love.

A lot of people associate looking for help with financial situations. They’re looking for someone to help pay bills or to get some money from but when someone is looking for help it can often be emotional help. When someone has been damaged or hurt often times all they need is a good person in their life to balance out all the heartbreak and lies they had to deal with before.

This isn’t always a bad thing but it isn’t always a good thing either. What happens is you become a glorified stop gap. Someone to heal them but does healing equate to loving?

It’s not necessarily a bad thing you know. Someone needing you to help them opposed to falling in love with you. We can’t dictate why people need us in their lives; all we can hope is their intentions are genuine.
There are plenty of people out here looking for help for all the wrong reasons and karma always comes back on those people.
~ Demez

4 Ways to Help Him Through A Quarter Life Crisis

20140822-233539.jpg I’d never complain about being a man. I have no problem saying I’d suck at cramping or being pregnant and I definitely wouldn’t take to constant Facebook messages or sexual harassment too well. No, I love being a man but there’s one thing that we can all admit. It’s not okay for a man to show weakness or to be vulnerable with everyone. Don’t mistake this with it’s okay to not have emotions or to talk, it’s just not okay unless she means something to you.

Expectations are an amazing thing. They often force us to reach heights we didn’t even know we could reach but there’s also the weight of expectations that can be heavy on our pride and mental makeup. You reach a certain age and you aren’t feeling as accomplished as you should be, it’s not an easy thing to deal with. You can become withdrawn, depressed and some may see it as feeling sorry for yourself but it’s bigger than that. You don’t stop living or working, you just stress more. Having a woman there to take some of that stress away, some of that edge away, that makes all the difference in the world.

“I’m Proud of You.” This may seem small or insignificant but hearing this from the right woman when you’ve had a bad day or bad month or didn’t reach a goal you set for yourself. It fixes everything in that moment. You look at her eyes or hear her voice and you just feel as though you can take on the world in spite of any obstacles that come your way. “I’m proud of you,” means you believe in me. It means you see the small steps I’m taking and are just as excited about those as you are about the big steps.

“Dance With Me.” I love silly, serious women. That’s a thing. Women that are about their business and work and are busy but when she’s with you she has that silly side, that playful side, that laugh that you know not too men have gotten to see. She sees you at your desk writing or sitting on the couch sulking and she grabs your hand and shakes her hips and says, “come dance with me Mez” and in those moments where you’re feeling her body and her energy and holding her waist her hands or grabbing her ass you feel better. Holding her, dancing with her is better than alcohol, sex, Crave cupcakes. It’s better because it’s organic, it’s in the moment, it’s intimate in the most non-sexual but sensual way.

“I Told Someone About You.” There are a lot of ways to show a man you love him or care about him. There are a lot of ways to show affection or to cheer someone up. You can never go wrong with sex or a bottle of his favorite liquor or his favorite meal. But for me nothing puts a bigger smile on my face than knowing a woman wants professional success for me just as much as I do. When she calls or text saying, “A friend told me they needed a writer so I mentioned you.” Or “I know you haven’t been happy where you are so I was looking online and I saw this,” and she sends me a link to a company or opportunity. Those little gestures have such a huge impact because you know she’s selfless and your happiness means that much to her.

“Come to Bed.” One of the first things to go when you’re stressing or not happy is sleep. Some men drink themselves to sleep, others take whatever pill they can find. Some just scroll social media all night or try and work. When a woman comes and rubs your neck or back and pulls you off the couch or out of your office and says, “come to bed” you do it. Maybe she doesn’t want to sleep alone, can’t sleep without your warmth but more than that she just wants to have you close. There’s so much intimacy in those before dawn conversations about life, work, family, stresses. Her semi naked body wrapped around yours, her head on your chest and that conversation is therapy. Maybe it ends in earth shattering sex but it’s not about that. It’s about that connection, that bond that’s being strengthened. Even if you only get a couple hours of sleep there’s comfort in knowing she can’t sleep without you.