It’s Not Your Fault You’re Not Her

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_n Jazmine Sullivan has a song called, “In Love With Another Man,” which is sort of self explanatory. The song is dope because she’s saying what most women know but don’t like to admit. You may be a better man, you may treat me better and love me harder but I’m in love with him and not you. The ironic thing is men feel the same way at times, it’s just not easy for us to express.

It’s not hard to make someone fall in love with you. If you have it in you to be what they need you to be it’ll happen and it’ll happen fast. In my younger years I would always say, “It’s not my fault you caught feelings. I was upfront with you.” What I didn’t want to admit is that I was doing things that endeared me to her. You can’t treat someone like they matter when that’s not what you want from them.

The hardest conversation in the world to have is telling an amazing woman that I know you’re great and you know you’re great but I just don’t want you. No matter how much you sugarcoat it or make it about your shortcomings, all she’ll hear is, “You don’t want me.” A million reasons and excuses may come but what you really want to say is… “It’s not your fault you’re not her.” I don’t dream about you. I don’t cut off conversations at work when I see your name on my phone. I don’t cancel plans to see you. I’d do those things for her and you’re just not her. It’s harsh but it’s the truth and this is some more truth. The only way to get over not being with the person you want is to find someone better than them. Not a knockoff of who they are, not someone that’s going to do what they weren’t doing but a person that’s simply better than them.

You want to know why so many women were hostile today? It wasn’t because their child’s father isn’t in their life. It’s because most of them still haven’t found a man to replace him. They may have boyfriends, in some cases husbands but the man they’re with doesn’t make them feel like the man that shares DNA with their child. Love turns to resentment and resentment turns to hate.

It’s not that man’s fault that the woman he loves is in love with another.

Just like it’s not a woman’s fault that the man she loves only wants the woman he loves.

5 Reasons Why I Deserve You More…

I’m not big on comparing myself to other men because me wanting you has nothing to do with them.

Women are attracted to different things, different traits in men. I can be a better person but not a better fit.

I understand that but I also know that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I’ll walk away if that’s really what you want but not before you know that I deserve you more than him.

Five: I’d never ask more of you than I’m willing to give myself. I’d never take more than you’re willing to give. Not mentally, not emotionally and damn sure not physically.

Four: You’ll never have to meet me somewhere or come pick me up. You’ll never worry about me needing to borrow your car or use you. I’m a man and my job will always be to protect you.

Three: For better or worse I will put you on a pedestal. I’ll hold you to expectations that no man probably has. When you have a bad day I’ll be there with wine and flowers and love. Because I know that I’m blessed to have you in my life. Because you deserve to be happy and I deserve to see you smile.

Two: He may tell you what you want to hear. I’ll take a bullet for you because life before you wasn’t life. It was life.

One: I’m capable of writing a dozen bestsellers. With you on my side, on my team. A dozen would be on the low side. I deserve to be great so that I can give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of!

I deserve you more than him. Now I just have to meet you 🙂

Just Watch… (Explicit Content)

At first I thought it was a dream, the knocking at the door. But then I remembered I’d left the gate open, my cell was on the floor next to the couch dead, there was no clock on the cable box and once the sun was down there was no telling 10pm from 3am. The Remy martin 1738 and ambien had me knocked out since six, I could hear the doctors voice in my head telling me Michael Jackson died from trying to find rest in his sleep with the wrong combination but it was just two pills and two glasses.

Rubbing my face, tasting the dryness of my tongue the knocking at the door wouldn’t stop, it wasn’t a dream. Looking out the blinds I saw her car, parked behind my truck, clean has usual, her passenger side tires on the grass. That told me she was tipsy. the bugs were attracted to the light hanging over the door, she was swating them away, cursing under her breath. I opened the door and she walked right past me.

Standing at the fridge she drank orange juice straight from the carton, took a bite of a peach without rinsing it off. Wiping the juice from her mouth and smiling.

“Your phone was going to voicemail, I was hoping you had a bitch over here so I could make her leave but you disappoint.” She shook her head and took another swig of orange juice. A white sleeveless dress with a plunging neckline, gold accessories and her hair sitting over her left shoulder.

She was the only woman I knew that could and would come over unannounced.

“Go sit on the couch and cut on my playlist and before you look stupid, I know you have a playlist with my name on your iPod.” She walked into the bathroom and left the door open. The rest of the house was dark except that room and the TV on mute. I cut on her playlist, it was everything from Dipset to Beyonce. My bottle and glass were still on the floor, I poured myself a shot and let it roll down my throat.

Heels in her right hand, steaming towel in her left hand she stood inbetween my legs and leaned down kissing me on the forehead.

“You’re drunk… I’m drunk, drunk people don’t make love. They fuck. Don’t touch me, just watch.” She sat on the ottoman with her legs open. Inching up she raised her dress to her stomach and stuck her middle finger out for me, I caught it in my mouth and sucked it, she put that same finger in her mouth and then she found that spot between her legs that made life worth living.

“I like when you watch, you try to act so calm but you know you want to taste this. It’s Memorial Day Weekend, you know there are no panties allowed until Tuesday. It may take me a little longer to do this with my fingers, I’m used to my toys or your tongue.” Her eyes open she sucked me in, licking her wet lips and moaning my name, saying my name, whispering my name I saw her move her manicured nails faster and faster. The pink polish stood out against her brown thighs.

“It isn’t cheating if I don’t let you touch me.” I was fighting the battle of my life on the inside, I could see me bending her over the couch, burying my face inside of her. Pushing my hardness inside of her.

He owned her whether she would admit or not and to touch her would be a betrayal she wasn’t prepared for. Her eyes were daring me to take the chance, they were daring me to say fuck her rules and take what she was putting in front of me. But to take that tonight and indulge in that pleasure would be to put her well being at risk and that wasn’t something I was willing to do so I just watched.

 

Desire Is In The Heart…

Gale

“Hey baby, it’s me, I haven’t talked to you in a couple of days. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing. I saw on Facebook that you got that promotion, I was wondering if you wanted me to take you out to celebrate? I won’t leave a long message, just call me back when you can, I miss you.”

Hanging up the phone I swear I felt like I was seventeen and not thirty one, why was I on the phone leaving voicemails for a grown boy? Sitting on the couch, my laptop on his FB page, I felt like I was stalking his movements. Why was it so easy for him to go out and date and meet new people and just live life period. I can’t eat, I’m always tired but I can’t sleep, it’s just not fair.

I’ve never been one of those women that looked in the mirror and couldn’t see my own beauty, I knew what men saw and I knew why they went crazy over me. But why couldn’t he see it, why couldn’t he act right.

“It’s Gale again… I was just wondering where you were, making sure you’re alright. I was looking thru my camera and I saw some old pictures of us in Miami, it seems like a lifetime ago but it was just last Christmas. I was thinking about going back for my birthday, I thought of you. Call me.”

I threw my phone on the couch and walked into the kitchen, I’ve never been much of a drinker but I swear this man was testing my tolerance. I looked in the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, one wine glass. I was fully dressed at seven in the afternoon on a Saturday with nowhere to go, a pair of tights, a cute sweater and my boots and socks on the floor in front of the couch. The apartment was spotless and I didn’t have an e-mail or call to return in the world.

The thing people don’t understand is that sometimes you can get so caught up in your relationship that you neglect other aspects of your life. For two years I blew off my home girls when they invited me on vacations or girls nights. I flaked on Happy Hours and shopping trips, all so I could be caked up on the couch with my “boo.” And instead of getting the ring, I’m left with a four year gap in reality?! Numbers are disconnected, I send an email or message or FB and it’s like I’m a stranger. Thank God I never lost touch with my mother or sister but the thing is, we never actually got along. Just too much alike I suppose.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice my blackberry blinking; I had a voicemail. I picked up the phone and decided against checking to see how called first, I just wanted to listen to the message. It had to be him, GOD!!! Why do I sound so desperate?!

“What’s up Gale, I thought we had plans last night, I called a couple of times and once again this morning. I hope you’re okay, if you need anything let me know. I’m free tonight if you want to do anything? A buddy of mine has tickets to the House of Blues if you want to see that Jazz Trio. You know the number, call or text me. This is Wallace by the way.”

I threw the phone back on the couch; this is the sort of shit that makes me think the Universe has something against me! Wallace is someone I met about two months ago, nice guy, cute, great dresser but he’s not Demez. We don’t have that same chemistry and I know that comes with time but the truth is I just don’t have the time right now. Mentally speaking; I didn’t even realize I stood him up last night, I just forgot about our date. He’s a cool guy to kill some time with but that’s all it’s going to be and now he’s offering me Coltrane and Duke Ellington covers at the House of Blues. I’m already dressed to go out… But what if Demez calls and says he wants to do something, then I’m stuck.

But I know his lying ass isn’t going to call! At least I don’t think. I grabbed my phone.

“Mez! It’s Gale, I’m thinking about going out tonight so if you wanted to do something you should call me back or at least send me a text. Men are over here choosing and you’re fucking up! Just playing but I’m sort of serious.” I laughed. “I’ll give you like twenty minutes babe.”

Drinking my second glass of wine, I went to my iPod and turned on the song I’ve had on repeat since Tuesday. For some reason music has a way of literally speaking to the soul, conveying what you’re thinking or feeling.

Verse 1-

Two years since you walked away from me

Since all of our scattered dreams

Were just thrown away

I’m finally gettin back to what I used to be

Share my pain with my familyThink I’m on my way

I can sleep at night,

I don’t reach for you when I wake up

But it’s taken some timeI can live my life

Without praying that we could make up

I’m movin on, I’m feeling strong inside

-Chorus 1-

But sometimes I cry, babe

When I’m all alone

With this heart of mine

Sometimes I cry, babe

Although you’ve been gone

For a long, long time

The thing is it hasn’t been two years but it feels that long, when you get used to sleeping next to someone, feeling their body next to yours. It because somewhat addictive, you get use to the soap he uses and the cologne he wears. What time he gets up at night to go to the bathroom or what faces he’s making when you’re making love. Wallace is a very unselfish lover and it wasn’t bad sex but I’ve never been able to separate my emotions from my vagina. I need to be mentally stimulated and feeling something more than dick in order to get that big complete orgasm. I felt like I was cheating when I let another man touch me and how fucking stupid is that?! I look on his FB and all I see is “I’m going out tonight,” “I can’t wait to talk to her in the morning,” I mean, he isn’t talking about me obviously. So why is it so hard to let go.

“WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO!!!!???” I was yelling at the damn walls, I needed to get out of this house. ASAP!

I didn’t feel like Wallace talking me ear off nor did I want him coming over and my tipsy ass giving him some “Clear my mind sex” so I just sent a text. Don’t you just love technology…

“Hey Wallace, I got your message, I’m sorry about last night. I would love to go to HOB with your tonight; you know Jazz is my thing. But I have to pick up my little sister from work at like 2am so I’ll just meet you up there. Maybe we can even go to Lucky Stripe if we have time, my treat : )”

I sort of felt bad for lying to him but not really, I told him when we started dating that he should date other people. Not to put too many eggs in this basket. And yes, I am using him to get some drinks and listen to some jazz and get this man out of my system but can you really help where the heart wants to be?  My phone vibrated immediately.

“OKAY COOL! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! I really do hate that you have to drive in the dark but call me when you get close and that way we can park close to each other. See you in a few : )”

See, that’s the sort of shit I’m talking about, this man just met me a couple of months ago and he’s excited just to park next to me and I can’t get this asshole to even call me back?! I put on my boots, checked my hair and lip gloss in the mirror and smiled at what I saw, I was a beautiful woman… Fuck him!

“Hey Demez! So now your phone is off huh!? Well don’t worry about trying to get in touch with me, I have plans now. Good luck with your promotion and I’m tired of trying to get in touch with you, I just wanted to talk to you. I don’t deserve to be ignored; I thought we were better than that? Bye.”

I walked out the door, locked it and got in my car to have some fun and maybe… Just maybe Wallace might get some “Clear my mind sex” tonight! I’m single, I don’t owe anyone any explanations.

Driving down the street, getting on the freeway I couldn’t help but think about how fucked up memories were. When you’re making them they seem like the most special things in the world, the sex, the stolen kisses, the pictures that you share with the world and the ones you keep hidden away. And then when it ends, those same memories haunt you.

But they would haunt me no more…. FUCK THAT!

I picked up my vibrating phone out the cup holder; I just knew it was Wallace calling to make sure I was still coming. I guess I would do the same thing if I was him.

“Hello.”

“Hey Gale, I just got your messages. I was knocked out, I would love to celebrate with you tonight. I know it’s been awhile and maybe we’re just going in circles but I do miss you to. I know you said you have plans but if you can get out of them, I was thinking we could maybe drive to Kema tonight. Sort of like we did this summer?”

“Let me call my girl and cancel and you can come pick me up in about fifteen.”

“Okay…”

All that shit I was talking just went out the window that fast, I was going to feel horrible for calling Wallace and cancelling but that’s what text messages are far. The hardest part is letting go, that’s why sometimes you have to hold on just a little bit longer.