“I’m Not Your Ex, I’m Not Your Father, I’m Me” Words Every Woman Should Hear and Feel

People are the sum of their experiences.

Let me say that again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

How can a man expect a woman to have faith in him if every man before him has let her down? Not specifically dating but in life. Imagine being a little girl and your father breaks your heart by not being there, making promises he didn’t keep. Imagine having brothers that you love to death and they didn’t protect you, used women, lied. These are her experiences with men and this is all before she even starts to date.

Women love on a level that men rarely do.

Women love on a level that’s selfless, there’s very few conditions past being loyal and nice. So think about it, you’re this woman that’s trying her best to be a good girlfriend or wife and what happens; your trust is broken.

So we’re talking men she’s grown up with letting her down and men she’s dated letting her down. I haven’t even touched on the guy friends. The ones that pretend they want friendship or the best for her and then when she gets a man or goes on a date he flips. Decides to bare his soul and hate her because she should have known he was in love.

So let me say it again, “Human beings are the sum of their experiences.”

That brings me to my original point, how does a man expect a woman to have blind faith in him when all she’s ever known is disappointment from men?

You can’t. It may be frustrating, it may be annoying, it may feel as though she doesn’t know you. But the simple truth is, you’re going to have to show her. You’re going to have to keep being the man she wants but isn’t expecting. You can’t let pride get in the way.

If every guy she’s ever trusted has ran, not kept his word, she’s protecting herself. If her friends and family have experienced the same thing, she’s protecting herself. She’s thinking about what they’ve been through and what’s she’s been through. Maybe she sees something in you that scares her, that reminds her of men in her past.

Ease her mind, her fears, be the guy that shows her rather than argues with her.DSC_0341(1)@authordwhite on all social media platforms.

Confident Black Men and Women Scare America

I have written about LaVar Ball since he popped on the scene because in the beginning I felt like it was a click bait story. You want to get a couple shares, a couple retweets, write about LaVar Ball. So I stayed away from it but then something happened. I started to see the hypocrisy in the way we society views black men and independence. Let me give you a couple of examples.

  1. Nike exec George Raveling on LaVar Ball: “The worst thing to happen to basketball in the last hundred years.”
  2. Unnamed NFL Coaches, “Colin Kaepernick is a traitor and I would never want him on my team.”
  3. Republican Congressman, “Obama took 400,000 for a speech; we need to take his pension.”

What do all three of these things have in common?  The black men involved weren’t docile enough.

kanye

Why is that whenever I hear about Lavar Ball I never hear that he’s been convicted of any crimes? Why is it that I’ve never heard of his sons getting in trouble or of him hitting his wife? Why is it that I haven’t seen one piece on him being a good father and mentor while I’ve seen two hundred stories on black boys and them surviving without fathers? That’s not the story they want to put out there, they’d rather focus on how bad of a guy he is because he doesn’t want to take their handouts.

Now let’s talk about Kaepernick, teams were saying he’s asking for too much money and most people were happy to accept that was the truth. Meanwhile he comes out and says, “No one has talked to me or returned my calls so how would they know what I’m asking?” Guys have beat their wives, killed people drunk driving, fixed games and the worst person in the league is a guy that took a knee to bring awareness to cops killing black men and women?

Lastly, President Obama was criticized and attacked more than any President in history when there was no basis for it. The worst thing he probably did was wear that tan suit that time. After eight years of this Republicans lost their minds seeing him on vacations and smiling. They lost their minds that he and his wife got this huge book deal and they lost their minds even more when it came out that he was getting 400k for a speech. I live in Texas, ex-politicians and athletes have been getting paid for years to give speeches but now it’s a problem?

Confident Black Men scare America because they hate our strength. When Tiger Woods was winning Majors he was “Blasian,” I’d honestly never heard that term in my life. When he got caught cheating, he was a black man. When Kanye West said, “Yeezy’s will jump over Jordan’s,” we laughed and said no one buys Adidas. Now you can’t find a pair of Yeezy’s anywhere, they stay sold out.

kap

Lavar Ball says, “If the Lakers draft my son, they’ll make the playoffs next year.” He didn’t say they’ll win a Championship or that his son will be the best Laker of all time. He said a team full of young talent with a pass first point guard could make the playoffs. People are literally hostile at that. He has confidence in his son and that makes you uncomfortable? Just because Archie Manning wasn’t on TV every day doesn’t mean he wasn’t behind the scenes making sure his sons were taken care of.

The Butterfly Effect (The Smallest Decisions Matter)

Author Demez F. White

Author Demez F. White

One of my favorite movies, not necessarily because of the acting, is the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher. A quick synopsis of the movie is: A professor or Kutcher builds a time machine and the machine allows you to go back and fix the smallest mistake that changed the course of people’s lives. It could be something as simple as going home instead of to the park or calling one person to hang out instead of another.

The movie got me to thinking about the decisions I’ve made in life. Now I won’t pretend that I’ve been to prison or made mistakes that will haunt me but I do think about small things that happened that may have seemed small but in reality they altered the course of my life. Whether it was not re-taking my SAT’s to get a better score or not doing a semester at sea.

There are so many and to think about them all would not make much sense but it doesn’t mean that occasionally I don’t wonder. It’s such an old concept that never really gets old when you think about it. Like what if great generals would have gotten shot right before the war started. What if Rosa Parks wouldn’t have gotten on that bus because she got a phone call that her sister was sick. The effect that one decision can make on who we become and our legacies are exponential.

If I’m being honest I can’t say I regret a lot of decisions I’ve made but I can say that as I get older I regret missed opportunities and where those opportunities could have taken me. The good thing about the Butterfly Effect and life in general is that with each day comes a new opportunity to make decisions that will shape our lives and effect not just us but so many people around us.

Struggle is sort of a foreign concept to me. I’ve had disappointments and setbacks but I can’t say I’ve ever really felt helpless or thought that things wouldn’t work out. That’s mostly because of family and the people I’ve had on my life but struggle scares me. Death doesn’t, we all have to die, I just hope I die accomplished and loved. But struggle, that’s not something I ever want to experience. It’s okay to lose occasionally, you aren’t going to win at everything you do in life but struggling and losing are just different. Losing means you gave your all and you have to formulate a new plan. Struggling is losing on a consistent basis. It’s feeling as though no matter what you’re doing things just aren’t working. That haunts me, the idea that anyone could get comfortable with struggling and not want to fight. Not want to win.

Stop Making Excuses For Bad Behavior

I hold men to a higher standard than I hold women because men are supposed to be less emotional, more in control. I’m fully aware that for a lot of men that isn’t the case, they are more feminine in a lot of cases than women are but regardless of that men still have to be men.

In holding men so accountable what I’ve also done is not address a significant elephant in the room. Women making excuses for bad behavior. I’m not a hip hop writer but earlier this week or late last week Rick Ross got engaged and in typical rapper fashion he’s marrying a stripper. What comes with rapper+stripper+social media? Foolishness. His fiances mother said, after a woman accused the rapper of sleeping around, “It doesn’t matter what he does in the streets, men will be men. What matters is that he’s taking care of home.” People killed her on social media for that mindset but in reality they were just killing her for saying it online.

I want everyone that’s reading this to be honest with yourself. You don’t have to comment or tell the world but just be honest with yourself. How many women do you know that are married or that are in a relationship and they overlook questionable or bad behavior by their man. They overlook it because the good qualities out way the bad. They overlook it because he keeps whatever he’s doing a secret and he’s not embarrassing her. Let’s be honest. Our grandmothers, our mothers, they may have never said this was okay but we know they accepted it. We know they turned a blind eye and in turn they created a generation of women that think it’s okay.

I’m here to say it’s not okay. I don’t care if a man is taking care of home. I don’t care that he’s a good father or good husband of good boyfriend. Do you know how much of a hypocritical statement that is? How can a man be a good father when he’s unfaithful to the mother of his children? When those children here her crying or see her sad even though she thinks they don’t see it. How can a man be a good husband if he’s so weak that he is constantly seeking the attention of other women. Today I won’t put this solely on the men that are screwing up. Today I’m holding the women accountable that accept less than. That accept a man being less than a father, less than a husband, less than a friend.

I constantly hear stats about women outnumbering men or men having more options and maybe in a sense that’s true but you want to know what’s not true? It’s not true that men always reach for the low hanging fruit. It’s easy to convince yourself that a little bad, a little ain’t shitness is okay. But in convincing yourself of that what you’re ultimately doing is lowering your standards and being an active participant in your own broken heart.

I am one of those guys that would say, “If a man is going to cheat, that’s between him and his woman. What does that have to do with me?” I was wrong man, it’s my place to tell that guy whether he’s a friend or an associate that he’s wrong. That no woman deserves to be passed around or be forced to share. Too many men have become followers and have become afraid to lead, even if it’s only by example. And too many women have become afraid of being alone. Let me tell you something as a man that has done my fair share of screwed up things. There’s no solace, no peace in having half a man. Whatever pleasure you feel from an orgasm will quickly be replaced by the guilt and depression of feeling like you aren’t enough. Hold yourself accountable.

If your grandmother put up with your dad cheating and your mother put up with your father cheating what do you think is going to happen to your son or daughter if you put up with it? They are going to grow up feeling like it’s okay and it’s not. These kids are already exposed to more by the age of 10 then we were by 18. So why expose them to habits that will lead them down paths of unhappiness? Part of being a man is deciding that the love of one woman is worth a million women. Part of being a woman is deciding that the love of yourself is worth not accepting less than what you deserve.

~ Demez F. White

4 Reasons Relationships Should Be Boring

Desserts from Perry's

Desserts from Perry’s

I’m boring.

Like I’m the guy that would rather have dinner at home or at a nice restaurant than go to that sky diving place or drive to Galveston in the middle of the night and jump in the water.

I’m simple.

It’s easy to hit home runs in a relationship. Buying plane tickets and hotel rooms for a vacation, coming home and surprising her with a new pair of shoes or flowers. It doesn’t take all that much energy or effort to be the man that hits home runs. What’s not as easy to do is to be consistent and nice and boring.

Relationships don’t thrive because of excitement or energy, it isn’t the ups and great moments that keep you wanting to come home right after work. It’s the good and boring moments that build that that friendship.

I- Modern Family- Quality time makes all the difference in the world when it comes to relationships and dating. It’s easy to spend time with someone but making the time matter is what builds a foundation and makes it interesting. One of our favorite things to do is sit down and watch Modern Family on DVR. A bottle of wine, some popcorn and laughing really, really hard. It’s not a date night on the water or putting stamps in a passport but it’s time spent that will put a smile on your face the next day.

II- Dancing- If there’s one thing in this world I know for a fact it’s that God did not put me on this earth to dance. On a scale between Chris Brown and George H. W. Bush I’m pretty sure I’m closer to President Bush in the dance department. Like I have no idea how I didn’t even accidentally bump into some rhythm. Saying all that I still love to dance. In all my silly and un-choreographed glory. So whether it’s a car ride or cooking dinner or just sweeping the porch we’re always dancing and she’s always laughing. Mainly because I can’t dance but also because who in the hell doesn’t like laughing with the person they’re spending quality hours with.

III- Career Building- Every couple or courtship isn’t going to align along career lines. I get that but on the rare occasions when it does take advantage of it. Sitting in an office brain storming, sending emails back and forth, arguing about points and counterpoints isn’t a picture perfect moment. They are moments that will lead to promotions, raises, funding, business plans, sponsorship’s and so much more. Writing scripts and episode treatments in sweats at midnight isn’t a bowling at Dave and Busters with your friends but it is worth it. Boring moments lead to great moments.

IV- Sleeping Together- When I was child my grandparents did not believe on working on Sundays. They wouldn’t cut the yard, work on a car, they wouldn’t even go to the grocery store. It was church, Sunday dinner, football for my grandpa, cleaning up the aftermath of the Sunday dinner for my grandma and then they’d take a nap. It was clockwork every Sunday. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how cool naps were. Thirty minutes on the couch before I have to be somewhere. Twenty minutes in my office with the door locked. None of those naps compare though to taking a nap with someone you want to be around. No cuddling, no clothes on the floor. Just a “I have to be in the office at 10, I have a meeting at 11. Let’s take a nap.” So at 8:15am you both get in the bed or on opposite ends of the couch and sleep for an hour or two. No phones, no passion, just good and boring sleep to give you energy for what the day brings.

Don’t ever get so caught up in what you see online or what you think dating or relationships are supposed to be like that you miss out on a blessing. Every moment isn’t going to be Instagram worthy. Some of the best meals are grilled cheese that look horrible on foil because you don’t feel like washing dishes. Some of the moments where she’s her most beautiful will be when she looks a mess because she’s been up working all night and you’re just proud of her drive. Boring is changing a headlight or tightening battery cables. Things that matter.

5 Relationship Goals for the 21st Century Man 

  

  Relationship Goals 
1. It’s okay to be silly. Laughing at her if she thinks she’s cute and had lipstick on her teeth. Laughing at yourself if you are trying to be stern but your pants are unzipped. Never take yourself too seriously. If you can’t have fun with the one you love; who can you have fun with?

2. Traveling is to relationships what oil changes are to cars. I don’t care if it’s a bed and breakfast an hour away from where you live or a 5 star hotel over looking Amsterdam in the Fall. You have to call her, ask her if she’s free this weekend and just take a trip. Anywhere. Role play. Have her meet you in the lobby and give her a different name, let her be creative, imaginative. Overlooking a foreign city on a balcony in hotel robes is life. 

3. Find ways to work together. It could be either one of your passions but find a way to help each other build on a legacy. It’ll be hard at first, you’ll both feel like you’re right. She’ll be passionate, you’ll be calm. You’ll get angry, she’ll laugh. But once it all comes together you’ll have created something you love with someone you love. 

4. Overdress for no reason at all. I mean get gala fancy in the middle of July to go to a reverse happy hour. Everyone at the restaurant is going to think you’re coming from somewhere special but you know what? It doesn’t even matter what they think. Maybe you don’t have money for a 5 star restaurant or a 200 dollar a plate dinner. Let her put in a gown, you put on your best suit and eat hotwings and mozzarella sticks and slow dance in a parking lot with the radio being the DJ. 

5. Don’t let arguments go to waste. If you’re going to fight, argue, make sure it’s worth it. Don’t go to bed angry over foolishness. Don’t not hold her or kiss her over pride. We’re all only guaranteed so many days and nights with the person that makes our hearts skip a beat. Don’t waste those moments. 

5 Reasons Relationships Struggle in the Selfie Generation

Social media validation is the equilivant to buying a stock that feels really hot and trendy but has no actual value. You can post a picture that has 200 likes but are those 200 likes from strangers and associates more valuable than a genuine compliment from one man that adores you? As a man I can post, “I cooked too much food and hate eating alone,” and get a woman or two messaging me. Does that mean as much as texting my girlfriend I cooked her favorite meal? Seeking outside validation will eventually find you on the outside looking in. 

1. Nothing is private anymore. If people aren’t posting their issues online, they’re telling their friends or associates. The idea that what happens between a man and a woman should stay between a man and a woman has become as outdated as the Blackberry that sits in my desk drawer. 

2. “Likes” matter more than intentions. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone sends me a picture and 5 seconds later it’s online. The idea that everyone needs to see this opposed to just one person is engrained in out generation. 

3. Having standby relationship alternatives. Your man doesn’t call you enough, cool, I have a homeboy I can talk too. Your woman doesn’t cook enough, cool, I have a homegirl that always cooks enough to get me a plate. We invite options into our lives and then wonder why we don’t want to fight for something that could be great. 

4. Pretending gender roles don’t exist. There is an entire generation of women that don’t value being a lady. There is an entire generation of men that think it’s corny to spoil, court, take care of. 
  5. We’ve taken the value out of boyfriends and girlfriends. I’ve been guilty of this myself. One of my biggest blogs was entitled, “You’re Single Until You’re Married.” That’s not accurate. It’s okay to be faithful to a woman while you’re in a relationship. It’s okay to claim someone and not entertain people you know want you. Be a boyfriend, get her a dog, let her spend the night so you know what she’s like once she gets comfortable. And if it doesn’t workout, cool, you gave it your all.