Don’t Call Her Insecure Unless You’re Willing to Call Yourself Insincere

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

What’s worse than being lied to? It’s having the feeling that you’re crazy. Some women call it intuition, some men call it having a feeling in your gut but it’s all the same for all of us. Those moments where you’re in the shower or driving to work and something just doesn’t feel right.

You can’t put your hand on it, you don’t have any real proof but whatever it is, is just nagging at you. A part of you wants to ask questions, investigate but you don’t want to be crazy. He’s already told you everything is okay, there’s nothing going on so why sabotage your own happiness?

As men and even women in some cases a well-placed or timed lie that you think does no harm makes all the sense in the world in that moment. “I don’t want to argue so let me just tell them what I think they want to hear.” The problem is maybe you can get away with one small lie but small lies often lead to bigger lies and now her insecurities are rooted in your insincerity. Insecurity and insincerity are like termites, constantly eating away and ripping at the foundation. On the outside everything looks fine, the house is clean and the dishes are put away but right beneath the surface is chaos.

In the past I’ve written about gender roles. Being a man isn’t about opening a door or buying dinner, of course those things will put a smile on her face but it’s more than that. Most women, regardless of how many articles or “love experts” tell you otherwise only want honesty. They only want you to be the man you were when they first met. They don’t want to have to guess at whether or not you’re going to be a different guy every day.

Making her feel like she’s crazy because she has doubts when you know you’ve given her reasons to have doubts is not cool. There’s a good chance you’ll lose her and is anything worth that?

~ Demez F. White

It’s Okay to Forgive Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

People often talk and write about forgiving others when they wrong you. Learning to take back control of your emotions, learning to trust and love again. You see it when fathers break the hearts of their children, you see it when men or women fall out of love with their spouses or lovers. Leaving them to pick up the pieces. It’s not an easy thing to learn to trust and live again.

This morning I want to write about another aspect of those scenarios though. I want to write about learning to forgive yourself when you do wrong to others.

I’ve treated people I loved badly, did things to hurt them. I’ve taken women I could have had great situations with for granted and watched them lose interest. Friendships have come to an end because of my pride and foolish idea of respect and what a man should be. I spent so much time trying to make these people understand I was sorry, trying to get back what I lost that I forget to forgive myself. All you can do, all any of us can do is say we’re sorry and ask for forgiveness or another chance. If that doesn’t happen: cry, scream, drink and if God can forgive you, then you can forgive you. You’ll never forget how you hurt them but remembering their hurt will allow you never to hurt anyone like that again.

Life is never going to be this black and white, right and wrong concept of humanity. This isn’t a Disney movie or romantic comedy. Life will and always will be lived in the grey. Doing the right thing often times isn’t the best thing for us. Sometimes to make one person happy or even yourself happy you’re going to have to hurt others. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an adult.

~ Demez F. White

Sunday Morning Thoughts: The Man vs The Writer

My cousin and I

My cousin and I

Good Morning World!!!

I am on the tail end of a really long work weekend and before I go home and crash I had some thoughts I needed to get out of my head.

Last night I had a really long and fruitful conversation with a friend, I’m saying last night, I should be saying this morning. She called my writing “fantastical” which is a real word by the way, who knew? What she meant by that was the way that I write isn’t who I am in real life. I took offense to that at first but the more she explained herself and the more I listened I realized she was right.

My writing takes place in a perfect world where situations always make sense and men and women are adults. I write about chivalry and responsibility and men taking women out on dates and paying for dates. I write about acceptance and understanding. Principles that I would like to think I live by, the problem comes in when people take my writing and apply it to everything I do and everything I am as a man on an everyday basis. That’s not fair because I’ve made mistakes. I’ll probably make mistakes in the future.

It’s not that I try to come off as perfect or having all the answers when I write. It’s that I want to set a higher standard and a lot of times that means I have to live up to those standards. I once went out with a woman and I had her meet me at Hooters. March Madness was on, it was a Friday, I thought it was going to be a good time, I knew she liked basketball and who doesn’t like wings? As we’re sitting there I could tell she was upset so I’m thinking in my mind if I did something to piss her off, instead of racking my brain I just asked her. She said, “You wrote an article about places a man should take a woman on a date. There was Top Golf, there was Hotel Sorella and there was some other really romantic place. Why are we at Hooters?” At that point I realized she couldn’t separate the writer from the man and that was my fault.

There has been so many times that in the middle of a conversation a woman has literally quoted something I said and shut me up because how do I argue with my own words? That’s the problem when you put your voice and thoughts out there, you run of risk of being a hypocrite if you aren’t the man you’re telling the world you are. I’ve written about loving women that are girly, dresses and heels not realizing that if I’m dating a woman that isn’t girly that could be offensive. I’ve written about the proper way to date when I’ve sent text asking women to go get a drink knowing two days earlier I said that men should call and schedule. I was held accountable and it made me better.

A Man Who Finds A Wife Finds A Life

Wife is Life

Wife is Life

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears The Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31:29-31

I’ve never claimed to be the most religious man in the world but what I am above all else is spiritual. I believe that treating people right, doing right by your family and friends and strangers matters in life. Above all else I believe that when a man finds a woman he wants to make his wife; he’s found a life.

The other day some people were talking about how men that have been divorced make better boyfriends, better husbands. Their logic was they’ve already made the mistakes so they know what not to do. I can’t say I fault their logic, isn’t it human nature to want a readymade product? I don’t see it like that though.

I’ve never been married and I very much want a wife, I want a family. Is there a possibility that I’ll be a bad husband, a bad father, a bad provider? No. There isn’t that possibility at all. I know most people will tell you never to be so decisive about who you are and in most cases I’d agree. Never say never. Not in this case though. I won’t fail her, no matter what it takes once I feel in my heart that I want to make this woman my wife I won’t fail her.

Ask any divorced couple you run across if they thought they would get a divorce on their wedding night? Ask a woman that gave every possible ounce of herself to save her marriage if she could have done more and she’ll look at you like, “You just don’t get it.” Ask a man that watched his wife fall out of love with him if he quit on his marriage, he’ll tell you, “It takes two to fight for that union and I was fighting alone.”

I stopped writing that my first marriage, my first wife, would be my only wife because I felt like I was saying that all the people that have been divorced weren’t willing to fight for their marriage. I felt like by saying I wouldn’t let her fall out love with me or give her a reason to not be happy that I know something all these other couples didn’t know. So for the longest time I stopped saying it, I stopped writing “When I get married, it’s God sending me what I’ve been asking for.” I was wrong. It’s not that I’m a better man than these men that have been divorced. It’s not that the woman I’ll marry is a better woman.

Faith means you can’t look at what may go wrong. Faith means just because one out of two married couples are getting divorced, that doesn’t mean you carry around a mindset like, “Let me prepare myself if this doesn’t work.” My mindset is that my first wife, the woman I have my first child with, the first woman I propose to. She’ll be it. We’ll have this life where we build a home, raise a family, help each other grow. I won’t apologize for wanting and believing that we can get it right the first time. A man that finds a wife finds a life because we aren’t meant to do this alone. Life isn’t a fairytale but that doesn’t mean we can’t have happy endings.

~ Demez F. White

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White

Love Letter #9

Dear Future Wife,

a romanceI hope you slept well last night. I hope you had dreams that took you to a place of fantasies and peace. Sitting in my office waiting on this concrete to cure so I could open this road I couldn’t help but think about how incredibly lonely I feel when I’m working at night. There’s no people talking, no phone ringing, no traffic or doors opening.

It’s mostly just me and these thoughts. A hug, a hug would be nice when I get off. A kiss would be better. Knowing you were in bed thinking about me, praying for me, that matters you know.

You want to know what I miss most about having a woman in my life. Not a wife because I’ve never had one of those. Not a girlfriend because I haven’t had one of those in awhile but just a woman I’m talking to that I know cares about me. I miss her being worried. That text at 3am just making sure I’m okay. That call at 5am if she had a bad dream and just wants me to stay on the phone with her until she falls back to sleep.

Can I talk to you about someone? I need to get this off my chest. I found out someone I used to be intimate with is getting married, it didn’t really bother me at first because it’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I sort of put it out of my mind until tonight when I saw a picture. It was of her being proposed to, at that moment it became real to me. Not that I loved her or that I missed her but that she was finding happiness before me? I’m aware of how selfish that makes me sound, that’s why I’m telling you and not a friend or co-worker. I’m telling you because I know you’re the type of woman that gets my heart. That knows why I feel how I feel.

The past year or so I’ve been an asshole to so many women. Women I know were ready to fall in love with me, be there for me, I can’t even explain why. I just knew in my heart they weren’t for me and it was easier to push them away then to keep pulling them in with my actions. I miss intimacy, I miss having conversations that mean something and aren’t superficial but I can’t do those things with just anyone.

I stopped drinking today. A friend asked me to so I did, I just felt like it was time. It’s not a permanent thing, just a couple of weeks but I need to do this to get my mind right. I think my grandmother is doing better, There are days when I look at her and I can see how sad she is but you don’t get over losing someone you were married to for 50 years. My little sister went to the prom last weekend, she was beautiful, looked so grown. Ethan and Erin are getting so big, they’re so smart. They remember and repeat everything. I don’t share any of this with anyone, I should be sharing it with you.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

My Definition of Being a Man

Demez

Demez

I’m positive if you asked 100 men what their definition of being a man was you’d get 100 different answers. Some would sound alike and some might sound completely different. I was raised in a home with my grandmother and grandfather where the roles were traditional. That’s where I get my thinking. I don’t expect for everyone to agree with me, we were all raised differently. What makes me proud, what makes me feel as though I’m making my grandfather proud may not be who you are. As long as you take care of your family, respect those around you, can look a man in his eyes and be accountable. I can respect you.

Using My Hands– Being a man means you can use your hands. I’m a romance writer for the most part, I can accept that but that doesn’t stop me from being able to change a tire. That doesn’t stop me from being able to change a battery or wash a car.

If I hear something in the backyard or on the roof it’s my job to go out there and see what it is. If a mouse runs across the floor I can’t scream and jump on a chair with my girlfriend. I need to be the one to find it and kill it. This isn’t up for debate, being a man means certain things just need to be inherent in you.

Accepting Responsibility– Boys lie to avoid arguments. There are so many men that told women they had to work this weekend or that they didn’t have any money. “Hey babe, can we go out Saturday because all these restaurants are going to be so packed on Friday.” Being a man requires that you have uncomfortable conversations. I know plenty of guys that talk to several women, that doesn’t impress me. You want my respect, be the guy where each woman you date knows she isn’t the only one.

If you have a problem with another man, address him. Don’t get loud or gossip, pull him to the side when no one else is around and let him know what the problem is. Men respect straight forwardness. Social media has made men as catty as women. That’s not a trait my grandfather would be proud of.

Taking Care of Home– I don’t condone cheating, it happens, I won’t judge the men that do it. However, don’t take food or resources from home to accommodate your guilty pleasure. You have a woman on the side find another way to finance that. You like to go to the casino or buy games or shoes or clothes, do that with the money after you’ve brought groceries and paid bills and asked the people you live with if they need anything. There’s such a thing as “doing wrong right” and that means taking care of the people that will be there for you when you have nothing.

Don’t Forget Where You Come From– My generation has a habit of wanting to live like the rich and famous on an everyday budget. If you can afford to hire maids and servants and get your car washed and oil changed and have someone else cut your yard more power to you. If you can’t there’s nothing the matter with doing it yourself and being honest about it. I see it every day, people lying about where they come from or what they have. Be proud of what you have, don’t exaggerate because there will come a day when the truth will come out. Men understand this and accept where they are in life and appreciate each moment they rise.

Accepting Your Part– I’ve always said never trust a person that’s always the victim. Every relationship, date, job, family situation that goes wrong is never their fault. We all play a part when things go wrong. Being a man is owning the part you played and sometimes more. It won’t be fun having all that responsibility and blame placed on you when it wasn’t your fault but its what men do.