Dear God; I’m A Flawed Man

IMG_0128 Dear God,

I can be insecure at times. If I’m being honest at 4am on a Tuesday morning I can be insecure a lot of the times. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the writer I see myself being in my head. I wonder if I’m ever going to be the husband or father I make the characters in my stories out to be. My insecurities are masked by my talent, by my ability to stop people from getting close to me. My insecurities protect me from my fears.

Fears that consume me. Fears that I drown in the unrelenting sea of bottles that have come to comfort me. Fears that hold my confidence in their hands like the oceans hold fish and ships. Fears that I’m not sure I will ever overcome. Fears that aren’t based in race or religion or sex but fears that are based in emotional and mental uncertainty.

Why is it that I was created this way? Why is it that I can’t see what everyone else seems to see in me? Does it make me weak? Does it make me undeserving of the life you’ve given me? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m destined to be. Sometimes I don’t know just how much my life matters or is going to matter in this world. There are times I’ve looked for signs, prayed for guidance only to feel more lost than when I first fell to my knees.

Last week at this same time before the sun rose I stood on a beach letting the waves wash over me looking out into the horizon trying to see my future. Trying to see if I could be a man better than my father, trying to see if I can be a man better than the man I am now. As the sun rose and my eyes burned from the salt and the tears I couldn’t see it. Falling to my knees in that sand I felt as though. I felt as though I felt nothing which is the worst feeling in the world.

Will I lose everything dear to me, everyone I love? Will I forsake the love you have for me and fall to doubt, envy, insecurity, fear? Or will I rise. Will I grow into the King’s blood that pumps into my flawed heart?

I write about relationships and love. I write about life and responsibility. And even though I have an amazing woman in my life and an amazing family at times I feel as though they’re all an illusion. A dream that turns into a nightmare when I awake and they’re no longer going to be here.

For a man that prides himself on not really needing friends and being able to spend hours and days alone just writing; the thought of being alone in this world scares me more than standing on a beach with a sword waiting on a thousand ships with 10,000 soldiers bearing down on me. Death doesn’t scare me, war or tension don’t scare me. But the idea, the thought of dying unaccomplished or alone scares me to death.

This morning, I just want to talk to you God, write to you. To ask that you don’t give up on me. To ask that you don’t allow me to give up on myself. I will keep fighting with your help. I will keep living with your help. I just need you.

In Your Darling Son Jesus’s Name,


~ Demez

Ten Romantic Ideas For the Winter…

I’m at work and the day is moving sort of slow, my wifi just won’t act right and who really works on a Friday anyway. So I’m going to give the world or the 12.3 people that read my blog some tips on how to be original, charming and romantic in these upcoming winter months. Nothing over the top that the average guy can’t afford but nothing like dinner and a movie either. Chicks get tired of the norm so give them something they can brag to their friends about. These are the key concepts to always keep in mind. Know your woman and what she will and won’t take to. Liquor and humor are your best friends and if push comes to shove always compliment the parts of her body that appeal to her ego. Don’t tell her she has a nice ass if she knows it’s flat or that I love your hair if you both know she shouldn’t have cut it. She loves her breasts so talk about her boobs, simple right? So read up and enjoy.

Ten: Houston is not a cold weather city which means our Winter is like most people’s Fall. This is not a bad thing at all because it allows women to still rock Fall clothing but not actually freeze. And fyi, very few women like being teeth chattering cold, unless she’s from Minnesota or something. And you want a Southern boo in your life anyway. So picnics are the perfect way of life. You can get a basket from Family Dollar, ready made fresh food and fruit from a HEB and of course wine. Chicks love wine. It won’t be humid or hot, there won’t be crazy mosquitoes, the tress will have that Fall color to the leaves and most important… When is the last time someone took her on an actual picnic? 

Nine: Take her shopping. But somewhere that you’re comfortable spending money and somewhere that you know she’ll like. I personally can’t afford to take a woman to Neimans and ball out but I do know several boutiques that are quite reasonable and have really cute clothes. She won’t try and break you and 9 times out of 10 she’ll ask you how much she has to spend. Women are sort of upfront like that when you’re sleeping together. If you’re not having sex, give her budget so there’s no confusion. If you want her, do the things to show her.

Eight: Two words… “Road Trip” my friends… Give her two weeks notice so she can get her affairs in check and tell her, “We’re going to Austin or Dallas next weekend, I already made the hotel reservations and got us tickets to blah blah blah.” Two words turn women on like nothing else. Tickets and reservations. Look, you aren’t taking her to Cabo for a week or Spain for the winter but you’re giving her a break and that’s all she really wants. Will you be required to do more in the future, yes, but for now this will do.

Seven: Take advantage of living in a really big, really pampery city. Houston probably has more spas per square mile than anywhere because we have all these mega communities like the Woodlands, Pearland, Sugarland and Katy. You go online, find a spa special where she gets a massage and mud treatment for a couple hours. Maybe you spend 120 and she has like three months to use it. So when she’s had a long day at work or a bad week she’ll remember that spa certificate, go use it and you’ll get all the residual effects from her good vibrations.

Six: Set her up a photo shoot. I’m being dead serious by the way. She’s on Facebook or Instagram all the time seeing women she knows she looks better than posting “model pics.” So tell her you know a guy with a studio and you set her something up, makeup artist are a dime a dozen in Houston, pay a chick 65 dollars to do her makeup professionally and make her dinner and work on a concept with her. She’ll complain about needing to get in shape or not having time but believe me she’ll be excited. Most women haven’t had an actual photo shoot since they graduated High School or College. Every woman has an inner model.

Five: Paintball, indoor rock climbing, laser tag. That mix between having fun and exerting energy. Lounges are great, bars are better and restaurants are cool but they do get old and sometimes you just need to let her shoot you in the face with a paintball gun. Or push you off a fake mountain so she can beat you. It’s fun and it’s different and it’ll allow her to buy some cool paintball clothes. I started off this blog by talking about how perfect our Winters are, I meant that. Running around and being a kid in 55 degree weather leads to amazing early nights and “in house” competition. Wink wink.

Four: I can’t take credit for this one because I stole it from Whitney while we were having a conversation but do you know how much time goes by when you’re playing with her iPod or she’s playing with yours looking at playlists, reminiscing about old songs. Making new lists and laughing about why this is on there or what happened to that guy. Music is so Universal, corporate women love Jeezy and UGK. The hardest guys love Al Green or Prince. A bottle or two of her favorite wine, a small bottle of Patron, a pizza and talking about and listening to music all night. You can’t make up those sorts of memories.

Three: Do something selfless. Take a Sunday morning, make sandwiches, get a bunch of Gatorades and go downtown and pass them out. Go to a nursing home and play dominoes with the elderly, just talk to them. Charity is going to allow you two to really appreciate how good you have it and by appreciating that you’ll appreciate each other more. This time of year is hard for a lot of families, helping them is going to give that relationship or courtship life.

Two: Take her to the gun range. Simple, efficient and you can’t imagine how much a woman will love shooting a gun until you see her shooting a gun.

One: Kiss her. Kiss her when you get in the car to go somewhere. Kiss her when she’s getting out the shower. Kiss her when you’re standing at the stove and she tries to steal a fry or carrot. There is power and love and lust and perfection in those stolen kisses.