Sometimes Your Heart Needs More Time to Accept What Your Mind Already Knows

bed1I haven’t been writing on www.demezw.com as much as I have in previous years, focusing on finishing up a couple novels but sometimes you see a quote that’s so perfect you have to get an article out of it. “Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.” Perfectly sums up what a lot of people are going through in everyday life.

I’ve gotten back to my roots of being more of a reader than a writer in the past couple months. Whether it’s novels, articles or blogs; I’ve allowed my mind and imagination to become a sponge. I see a lot of articles on relationships and what you should or shouldn’t accept. So much of it is black and white. When the truth is, relationships are rarely black and white; the same can be said for most aspects of life.

We are not robots or computers that can act without emotion. Pain, pleasure, passion, heartbreak, love, depression, these are all traits that make us who we are and sometimes traits that override common sense or the logical choice.

Knowing what you need to do is completely different than actually doing it. I can quote song lyric after song lyric about the woman that’s in love with a man she shouldn’t be in love with. Whether it’s Country Music, Rock, Blues, Hip Hop or R&B. That feeling is universal because love is a universal language. I’ve watched Operas that were in Latin or French and couldn’t understand a word but through music and emotion I was able to feel it.

The “feeling it” aspect to life and love isn’t something you can quantify or control. It grabs you and smothers you until it decides to let you go. That’s your heart telling your mind, “I know what we have to do, I just need a little more time.”

Peace

Some people blog to get discovered.

Some blog because they want to have a voice or they love a certain facet of life and want to talk about it.

I blog because I like letting people know that they aren’t alone with their thoughts. That they aren’t the only ones in the world feeling like they’re feeling at that specific moment and time.

I wish I had some calm, some peace, a sanctuary. No matter how hard I try and find it, it doesn’t come. I’ve never been on a battlefield, I’ve never seen a man die or a plane bomb a building but in my imagination I feel like that’s what’s going on inside of my head and heart at the moment. I feel like a battle is taking place and I don’t know how to get off the battlefield.

I don’t even listen to music when I drive anymore because it’s where I do my best thinking. It’s quiet, the windows down, I can talk to myself without looking crazy. I don’t know when I started doing it, I just know my iPod has been dead for almost two weeks and I haven’t even tried to charge it up.

College and high school teach us a lot. We learn math, history, science and now they even have religion and cooking classes. But there’s no class on life. No class on how to fight the demons and how to overcome fears and struggles. The only class is the battlefield. The only class is learning how to deal with as you’re going through it.

At times I wish I wasn’t a writer, I wish I didn’t internalize and think things over and over and over again. A moment of calm, of peace, of clarity. I lie in bed at night dreaming of those moments, wondering if they will come.

I fear they never will. IMG_0148

3 Years Ago Today

baby angel Three years ago today she told me she was pregnant. A part of me knew she was lying but another part of me wanted it to be true, needed it to be true. I’m a man that fully expects to not have my first child until I’m married but there’s a cost for unprotected pleasures. If I had to pay that cost I was more than willing.

That night I didn’t feel fear or regret or anxiety. I wasn’t upset or excited or numb. All I felt was love, love for someone that would need me, love for a child that was probably no bigger than a mustard seed. It wasn’t a perfect situation but God doesn’t make mistakes right?

I knew in my heart she didn’t want to have my child. I knew it wasn’t a part of her plans the same way it wasn’t a part of mines but I was willing to do whatever it took. She wasn’t, she didn’t want to keep it and no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, I couldn’t.

Driving home, her blowing my phone up, I pulled over and cried. I cried like I’ve never cried before for a life I would never know. That’s the downside to being creative you know, to having this imagination that’s explosive. I see things simply by thinking about them.

That night was the first night I experienced hate. How could I not hate a person that wasn’t willing to accept life? Today she/he would have been close to three. When it’s quiet and I feel alone I wonder what that child would be like, I wonder if he’d look like me or her. Would it be a little girl that always talking back or laughing?

Women say that men have no rights when it comes to what happens to a fetus, “Stop trying to regulate our vaginas!” I suppose I understand that but how can you not understand what it’s like to know a woman is going to erase someone that could have been your world? When a man feels a woman’s stomach, when he’s reading to her or singing or playing music that baby knows he’s there.

Three years ago today I felt as alone as I do today.

Three years ago today made me realize I may never trust a woman again.

It’s my fault. I should have been able to talk her out of what she did. I should have been in a better position to persuade her to keep that child. I wasn’t and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about three years ago today.

~ Demez F. White