My Only Sin Was Loving You Too Much

IMG_0629Sleep felt foreign at the moment, laying down, closing his eyes, it just wouldn’t come. Getting out of bed as not to disturb her he walked out the bedroom and lied on the couch. Not knowing how long his eyes had been closed he could hear her in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge. Running water in the sink, letting water out of the sink. His temper and stress had her walking on egg shells and her trust issues and the intensity of her love had him not knowing how to approach her at times. Not knowing how to explain to her that her doubts and fears were unwarranted.

His phone sitting on the kitchen table, he made no effort to go get it. If she was going to look through it, she was going to look through it. It’s the nature of women he thought to himself, curiosity killed the cat.

When she walked in the living room and put the TV on mute he knew tonight wouldn’t just be another sleepless night but another night without peace. He knew what the look meant before any words came out of her mouth. The look of fear mixed with anger, passion mixed with uncertainty.

“I know you want me to forget about it, to get over it but I still have questions. Why is it okay for you to just dismiss what’s important to me? What did the message say? Are you going on dates? Are there other women? I saw you looking up restaurants online, you took off work. Is there someone else Ron?”

The more she talked, the more he tried to put himself in her shoes but the more he tried to understand her, the more he just couldn’t. Though he loved women, though he never made it a secret about his past relationships he’d changed for her. Gone were the late night text and phone calls. Gone were the happy hours and friends that couldn’t except he wasn’t the man he used to be. Every one around him saw it, so why couldn’t she see it?

Why were tears of pain falling from her eyes at 3:00am instead of tears of pleasure? He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it was going to be alright but his pride ran deep. His love for her was unquestionable so why couldn’t her faith in him be unwavering?

Before he knew it the glass in his hand shattered against the living room door!

“Why don’t you ever just shut up?! You have to pick a fight every night because of your got damn insecurities?!”

Turning his back and walking towards the kitchen he could hear her footsteps behind him. Standing in a pair of panties and holding her wine glass she pushed him in the back and as soon as he turned around he felt the wine hit his face!

“You don’t talk to me like that! I’m not afraid of you and you will not disrespect me!” His hand was around her neck before she finished her sentence. Letting her go, she gasped for air as he backed up.

Wiping the wine out his eyes with his shirt he wasn’t fast enough as the glass she was holding connected with his mouth. The taste of blood on his tongue and the immediate swelling on the tips of his fingers. Their fights had always been bad but the pint up hostility, aggression, resentment. It boiled over to a place it had never been to before. The aggression a substitute for desire. Rage a substitute for words that needed to be spoken.

Seeing his mouth bleeding she could muster no compassion, not for the man that had taken everything from her that made her, her. Her love for him was in direct conflict with the independence and control she had in her own life. The deeper he penetrated her heart, the more she felt helpless in just how much control he had over her mind, body and soul.

As they kissed he bit her lip and looking into his eyes she licked the blood off his mouth. As their tongues intertwined she ripped open his shirt and he pinned her against the wall. Hunger being replaced by hate; the intensity of him needing to be inside of her being replaced by the urge to grab his keys and never see her again.
Her legs wrapped around his waist, her hands in his hair, her eyes glazed over.

“I love you sooo much. I need you sooo much! If you’re going to leave me, do it now because I won’t be okay if you drag this out knowing it’s not what you want.”

He didn’t know why he was crying. Part of him wanted to believe it was because she felt like Heaven in his arms but a part of him knew it was because the intensity of their love scared him just as much as it scared her.

Love this deeply rarely works because the fire tends to consume everyone.

Finding the Perfect Pieces

Lauren

L

I saw what the world saw. I saw the dimples and soft lips. I saw the smile that made strangers say hello at the grocery store; that made men offer to pay for everything from Tequila Sunrises to Starbucks. When we are out and I open the door for her I smile every time I see the definition of her ass. Doesn’t matter if it’s a dress, jeans or shorts. I just smile and think, “Damn, I’m going home with her?”

There are these moments where she’s articulating herself, making her points and the world just sort of revolves around her. She has a way of listening to people and using their words to not only validate what they’re saying but to make them realize her point is probably right.

That’s what the world sees, that’s what I see when we’re out there but when the curtains close and the heels come off. When she gets tired of being superwoman I see that part of her too. When she feels like being goofy and dancing around in panties and a tank top. When she wants to lie naked in my arms and just wants to be held, just wants to feel loved and needed and to talk. I see that, I am her Clark Kent, her Superman by just understanding.

She found a gray hair and actually cried. She drank too much wine and couldn’t bounce back like she usually does. We spend a lot more Saturday nights trying new restaurants and finding live music then we do turning up or taking shots. She doesn’t feel beautiful all the time and that’s okay because when she has those moments all she has to do is look in my eyes and she knows. She knows I don’t need her to wear the mask, to be “that” woman. I don’t need her to be on. I just need her to exist here with me right now.

Sitting at the kitchen counter, coffee steaming, fresh bagels on the bar. “Good morning,” she always says it with a smile, looking me in my eyes. Even though we wake up next to each other we never say good morning until we drink our coffee.

I’m sure ten years ago couples read the paper in the morning. I’m on my laptop, she’s on her iPad. Every couple of minutes she sneaks a peek at me and smiles. I sneak a peek at her and she licks out her tongue.

“You stick that tongue out again and you may lose it.” I feel younger when we laugh a lot.

“It all depends on where I lose it to.” Standing up, walking towards me, her robe falling to the floor. That first kiss is everything!

“I love you.”

“I know you do.”