Desires and Nightmares…

There have been a lot of sleepless nights in 2012 and I’ve accepted that’s my life.

I’m self destructive in a sense. I tend to push people away and then try to wheel them back in. I really don’t know why. I just can’t get close to people, I’m bad at it.

I charmed her and was falling in love with her and then I just pushed her away. And now I’m up nights wondering how I can fix it. How I can balance the passion and time I put into my writing into making things work.

There are nights where I just stand in the door and look at my bed. Two or three days in a row where I don’t even sleep in it. The only time I’ve ever slept comfortable is when there was someone in the bed with me.

My fear is that I’ll end up like my father. Everytime I take a drink actually it crosses my mind. Everytime I break a woman’s heart.

I need to kiss someone on New Years. I need to press her body against mines and feel her heart beat as the clock strokes midnight.

I just want to sleep…

Why I Love Women….

Ten: No one else has the ability to make me feel better when I’m feeling down. My boys can take me to a strip club and to get some drinks, my family can cook a good meal and tell me their proud of me. But there’s nothing like a woman smiling at me and telling me everything will be okay. I just believe her, pretty faces, smiles and sweet smells are my kryptonite.

Nine: Body Parts: This may be very mannish of me but I just love female body parts. Of course the obvious, a nice ass, perfect cleavage but it’s way more than that. The way a woman’s hair falls over her ear, the way a necklace lays across a collarbone. The way dimples or freckles sit on a cheek. There is something so erotic, so tempting about looking at a female body.  I could write about each layer and never run out of things to say.

Eight: A Feminine Voice: Every woman has a melody that is unique to her. A way she talks that’s its very own language. When she says hello or good morning or good night the waves just sync and everything feels like it will fall into place.

Seven: The Passenger Seat: Going out of town, going to a movie or even if it’s just us doing some parking lot creeping. Having a woman sitting in my passenger seat is like winning the lottery no matter how many times a day or week it happens. The definition in her thighs, her back against the passenger door. The smile on her face when the console comes up. It’s pretty cool.

Six: Fashion: I wrote a status earlier in the week about this woman in front of me at Chick Fil A that got her breakfast paid for because of the pencil skirt and heels she was wearing. I was dead serious by the way! I love well dressed women almost as much as I love writing. Almost… Seeing a woman fit a pair of jeans with a cute blouse or a pair of tights and a form fitting workout shirt. It doesn’t matter, if it looks good on her and is tasteful or slutty in the right situations, I’m all in…

Five: Motivation: The love of my life will never truly want me because I’m not paid. I know this and I know she wants to be comfortable, she doesn’t like working and she hates the idea of doing it until she retires. Her pretty ass isn’t the only reason I work as hard as I work but her and women like her or a big part of it. I understand it’s a man’s place to provide if his woman doesn’t want to work and seeing her, talking to her, getting an email from her. I know that I have to do better, I have to make more and make a bigger name for myself. Women are motivation.

Four: The Hennessy Connection: This was my attempt at word play… Liquor and women just go together, I’m talking go together like peanut butter and jelly or Bobby and Whitney. When I’m taking shots with a beautiful woman or popping open a new bottle of wine. When the conversation is flowing and the liquor is adding to our flirtiness I don’t want the moment to end.

Three: Round of Applause: If a woman can dance she can get whatever. Point. Blank. Period.

Two: My Heir: Women have the ability to give me a son. There isn’t a greater ability in the world. I want to be married and in love when I have a child but it’s more than that. I know me and I know I would be the worst “baby daddy” in the history of life. I’m incredibly jealous by nature and a little mean, I’m crazy about who I’m crazy about, it engulfs me and drowns me and love isn’t strong enough of a word. When a woman has my child she will by extension become the most important person in the world to me because she’ll be holding the most important person in the world to me.

One: My Writing: Every story. Every novel. Every thought. They’re all usually based off some woman and how she makes me feel. Women are the reason I’ll be on the New York Times Best Sellers List one day!

Morning Manifestos

Do you ever sit and ponder, sit and wonder about where you are? About why you’re here at this exact moment?

I do, often, I think about the mistakes I’ve made. I think about the sins I’ve committed and whether or not the people I love will pay for my mistakes. I think about the women I’ve loved, I still see all their faces, I remember all their laughs. Over the past year or so I’ve turned a corner with my writing, it’s become more than writing. It’s become art.

I can see the words, the paragraph, the chapter before I even write it. Creating characters with different voices and different desires has become my escape, my world. It’s not easy not being able to show your pain or sorrow to the people you love because you have to be strong for them.

“Why are you single?” Is a question I get asked more and more and I always give the same response.

“Just haven’t met the right one.”

But that’s not the answer, the answer is I’m still single because I’m terrified of bringing a woman into my life and breaking her heart. Not because I’m a cheater or user or liar but because I need her to go thru these growing pains with me. I’ll be angry and reclusive and sad and I need her to be strong enough to deal with all that, to not resent me for pushing her away but have open arms when I come back.

How can I ask any woman to do that? To swallow my pain and still love me? That’s not fair so I smile and say what needs to be said to have others smile because the truth isn’t something people really want.

They want the truth if you’ve mislead them or have used them but they don’t want the truth when they don’t know how to handle it. As I sit at my desk writing this, the sun rising, the sky calm, my eyes burning from another night of not sleeping. I wish that I was a different man, one that didn’t think about the day after tomorrow and just thought about tonight.

People think they know me, they think I write the things I write just to write them. I believe that romance and love cures lives, that the laughter and warmth of a woman is going to heal me.

Pressure.

Pressure bursts pipes but it also creates diamonds.

Is it fair to ask a woman that I don’t even know exists to deal with what’s in my head and heart, to deal with the massive talent and ego I posses but also deal with the temper and hate I have? I’ll be the guy that cooks and massages feet and pays bills but I’ll also be the guy that needs you to stay up with me because some nights I’m afraid to sleep for fear that I’ll wake up to news I know I can’t handle.

Men say there aren’t any good women, they’re either lame or full of shit. I’ve met dozens, I’ve went out with just as many and they want to be wives and to be there but I pushed them away for their own good. Because I knew I would just ruin them. They deserved to be happy, to not have to live with the shadow of who I am.

I have no doubt I’ll be a great writer because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and bleed those emotions on paper.

My son will be better than me if I have one. He’ll be smarter and have a father and mother that adore him. He won’t be left to figure out this hateful world for himself. My daughter will know what it’s like to see a man love a woman more than he’s ever loved himself. She’ll sit up with her mother while she’s getting ready to watch her father take her out. She’ll know what to expect from the men that will want her. I’ve sort of given up on being happy in life, if I can create a family and have my wife and children be happy I’ll be content. That’s my atonement for my sins.

Don’t mind these ramblings of a writer. Good Morning and be safe today.

Demez F. White