Having Daughter’s Isn’t God Punishing You For Being A Womanizer; It’s Just Your Guilty Conscience

father and daughterYesterday was Mother’s Day and I spent it at my cousin’s house with family. As we were outside talking about life and kids and responsibility we started to talk about children. And how it was a consensus among all the men that having daughters was somewhat terrifying. Not because little girls are worse than boys or grow up to be angry women but because of our guilty consciences.

For all of my life, even before I started dating I knew there were double standards for boys and girls. Men are often times praised for having multiple conquest and women are shamed for it. A guy can be a whore is entire life and if he changes to be faithful to one woman and love her right; the whole world applauds him. On the other hand, if a woman is a whore, that stigma never leaves. That’s an entirely different conversation but just as example.

I’m not sure when this became a thing but it’s probably been around for centuries. Somewhere along the way men got it in their heads that God or fate was cursing them by giving them daughters. Especially if that man was a womanizer. You want to know something funny and sad at the same time? Watch a grown man project all of his guilt and sins and tortured conscience onto an innocent child. Not because she’s doing anything wrong but because in her he sees every woman he ever lied to, cheated on, misused or abused. In her he sees fear, the fear that he’ll have to dry her tears because a man breaks her heart.

As much as we want to believe that having a daughter is karma for the bad you’ve inflected on others; a much easier thought to believe is that maybe there’s no secret revenge plot by God and fate but it was just the sperm that made it first. Maybe instead of projecting your insecurities onto your daughter, you could give her confidence and not let the double standards and misogyny that you were raised with live in how you raise her. Maybe you raise a daughter strong enough not to ever let a man disrespect her like you disrespected women. All of that takes looking inside of yourself.

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5 Life Lessons I Learned In the Last Week of 2015

photo(1)This has been a tough week. My grandmother passing hasn’t really hit me yet, at least I don’t think it has. So, I’ll do what I do best and write. Even though it’s only Tuesday, we only have two days left in 2015 and these are the life lessons I’ve learned.

5- Life isn’t about what happens when someone is sick or dying or gone. Life is about the moments when they’re here. The moments you have an opportunity to do right by them. It’s easy to cry once their gone but it’s even easier to talk to them and make them laugh and be there for them when it’s inconvenient. Anyone can be a good grandson or husband or boyfriend on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when the Texans aren’t playing. Can you be a good person when you’ve just gotten off work, your feet hurt and you have to fight traffic? Give people their flowers while they’re living or you will regret it.

4- Character is who people are when they’re scared. You ever see the zombie movies where two people are running and one of them pushes the other down so they can get away. That’s sort of what life is. You’re either willing to be a good person and do the right thing when your heart is beating out your chest and you feel like your back is against the wall or you’re not. Sometimes being a good person won’t pay off right away but it will pay off. Karma is a living, breathing thing.

3- You should always be honest but not everyone deserves or appreciates it. Giving someone a piece of your mind or checking someone may make you feel good for a moment but we don’t always have to keep it real. Sometimes smiling and walking away hurt people so much more than yelling at them or “checking them.” It won’t feel good to bite your tongue. It won’t feel good to see someone doing wrong or going down a wrong path and knowing you can’t stop them. That’s life though, some people only learn by getting burned.

2- Build your own home before you try and help others. I see so many good natured people that give and give and give and then they look up and don’t have anything? You can’t help people if you haven’t taken the time to look out for yourself. My grandparents weren’t wealthy, my mother and father aren’t wealthy. Anything I build in this life, I will build not because of handouts or luck. I will build based off the life lessons I was taught. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither are wealth, families, friendships. You want a garage, start with a screwdriver. You want a office, start with a pen. No one is obligated to help us. We have to help ourselves.

1- Be a man that gives more than you take. I can’t take care of a woman at this point in my life. I’m okay with that but what I can do is take on a bigger burden. Maybe I don’t pay all the bills but I pay the biggest bills. Maybe I don’t always clean up but her car stays clean and I take out the trash. Have a home, don’t move in a with a woman. Go to work and if you have children, let them see you treating their mother like a woman that means the world to you.

Invest In Happiness. Invest In Good Karma. Invest In Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

It doesn’t make you a hater or a bad person if someone gets the job you want and you feel like you should have gotten the job. If you went on a date with a woman and she wasn’t feeling you but the next guy she goes on a date with she’s posting about him on Facebook. “It’s great when you meet a man that is who he says he is.” “Had the time of my life tonight.” “When a man smells great you don’t won’t that hug to end.” If you read all that and feel like, “I hope they break up or don’t make it,” that’s okay. All of this is okay because it’s your first reaction. What makes it not okay is if you feel that way tomorrow or the next day. If you delete her page or make salty comments or wish for people’s unhappiness.

I don’t care if you’re a Christian, Atheist, Israeli, Palestinian, an Alien, Buddhist or just someone that has your own set of beliefs and doesn’t exactly know who you are. Karma is a living, breathing part of all of us. Being happy for someone that’s doing well, that’s doing better than you means you’re an adult. We all find happiness at different points in our lives. We all find it for different reasons.

The other day I saw this Instagram post where this really attractive woman posted a picture of a woman that’s not considered as attractive by certain standards. Her caption was, “How does she have a man and I don’t? Look at her.” Of course there were some “lol’s” and “I feel you girl” but they all meant what they were writing. She’s “ugly” so she shouldn’t find love and happiness before me. In what world does that logic make sense? That may actually explain why you’re single. Be happy for people, smile and laugh at the fact that some man saw something in her beyond the physical. Invest in a good spirit and fill that Karma based piggy bank.

I see a couple about to get married, I send my congratulations. I see a teacher decide that her teaching career is over and she wants to pursue other avenues in life; I thank her for her service to our community and wish her the best. A guy I hated in high school has changed, seems to have grown and become a better man. I attribute it to him learning and I want him to be that man for his family. Watching people find happiness is like watching something beautiful.

Life is too short to harbor all that bitterness and jealously. It’s okay to smile and to be kind to people. It’s okay to compliment someone. I’ve never sent a man a social media message about his woman because there’s no point. He knows he has a good one but I’ve ran into guys at places and when they’re significant other came up in conversation, I’ve said, “You have a good one, God looked out for you.” No animosity, no undertones, no shade. Just me letting him know she is a blessing in his life and I hope he realizes it. Being happy for someone and sincere reflects not only you but who you’ll attract.

~ Demez F. White

Nothing Casual About Sex…

I can’t tell you what Eric Jerome Dickey book it was but there was this quote that said when you sleep with someone a piece of your soul goes with them and the more you sleep with them the more of you they have. Even if you think it’s meaningless your souls are now connected. And then last night I was on Facebook and saw a friend make the statement…

Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone the deeper the connection and the more their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life. “Never sleep with someone you don’t want to be.” ~ Ebony Griffin

My point on this beautiful Friday is that there is no such thing as casual sex. There is no such thing as meaningless sex. Even if you aren’t a religious person you have to understand that our bodies are temples. Whether it’s the food we eat, the things we drink or the intimate moments we share. Something as simple as a kiss is your energy, your DNA, your essence being inhaled into another person. We can’t attach the words casual or meaningless to an act that can create a human life.

I’ve written this week about sexually loose people changing, I’ve written about fathers not in the home and all those are tied to sexual experiences that took way more from those people than it gave them. There’s nothing casual about your essence. This is the thing, I’m not judging the women that sleep with men for money or the men that sleep with women for the thrill of the hunt. That’s not my place, I’m not without sin. What I’m simply doing is pointing out that even if you think there’s a purpose for you giving your body to someone that purpose probably isn’t worth it. I saw a status the other day that said…

“As long as a woman as a mouth and a pu**y she should never be broke.” That saddened me so much because when you put a value on your body you’re diminishing your brand. Is your body worth a 200 dollar cable bill? Is it worth a 147 dollar light bill? Or is it worth someone co-signing for you a car? I get times get hard and morals have to be sacrificed, sins have to be committed but with every sin you commit using your body you’re demoralizing your body.

Sexual expression and freedom may be your thing, if you can give yourself to people in that way that’s between you and your God but when you’re doing it physically but in your mind and heart you don’t want to be there. That’s the shit that damages your soul. These movies come out, “No Strings Attached,” “Friends with Benefits,” and they sort of glorify the whole idea that you can be friends with a woman and still have this really intense, nasty sex. That’s simply craziness people! I’m the sort of man that has jealous tendencies, if we’re sleeping together, we’re serious. Point. Blank. I’m not going to be lying next to you on the couch naked and you set up a date with another guy or tell me “thanks buddy.” I don’t believe in casual sex or one night stands. Sure, I flirt a lot and I do my fair share of going out but that’s not sleeping around. And any man that sleeps with you but then claims to be cool with you talking to other men is horrible for your aura and you better run because he could care less about you. And if it’s a woman you really better bounce because she’s been thru some stuff.

This is the first day that I can remember that it’s going to be cool most of the day. The wind blowing, a nice jacket, hot chocolate and Bailey’s. Don’t waste days like this on people that don’t deserve your aura, your spirit, your body. I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to give yourself to those sort of negative spirits but now is definitely not the time. You’re worth the wait, that’s what I try to get across to people. If someone wants you, they’ll wait until you’re comfortable.