Dreams Are Just Reality Waiting to Happen

My actual writing career started with Facebook notes. I would write them every morning before work. I literally mean every morning. I had this whole routine where I couldn’t sleep so I would just lie in bed and look at the TV on mute; then I would get up, go to my computer and write a story.

The first six or seven months no one really read them and I would tag people and talk about it but nothing and then something really cool happened. I was at work and my phone started to blow up and one of the stories I’d written was getting shared. Now I would wake up and write and people would look forward to my words.

I could literally see them sitting in traffic or at their desk, drinking their coffee or orange juice and reading my words, my words. I would live and die with every like, share and comment.

Those Facebook notes at the crack of dawn got me a book deal, a blog that does good numbers and changed my life. If I’m being honest I have no idea if I would be writing on the level I am if it wasn’t for that.

I didn’t take any literature or English classes. I still confuse sentence structure and tenses to this day. I never loved writing because I thought it would be cool to have my name on a book or it might get me cute shy girls. I loved writing because it always came so easy to me and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Don’t ever give up on your dreams.

Changing My Brothers Fate

20140703-065049.jpg“Where is he?” It had been at least two years since I’d seen him. Maybe longer than that. There were about ten or twelve people in the room and I didn’t recognize any of them but his wife. She stood out from the rest of them, her posture and mannerisms were the first thing that gave her away. Even though she didn’t come from where we came from she still played the part. Asking them if they wanted anything to drink or fixing plates. A part of me knew it was all just to keep herself busy.

Rubbing her shoulder, trying to meet her eyes, I asked her again. “Where is he?”

“Why are you worried now? He blames himself you know. He still talks about you like you’re his bestfriend. I didn’t know bestfriends gave up on each other.” She needed someone to take her frustrations out on. I knew she missed me, they both missed me but I did what I knew was best. At least that’s what I thought, until looking in her eyes.

The woodwork in the kitchen was beautiful, hand crafted. The entire living room was glass on three sides. The last time I was here they’d just started construction and now it was everything she designed.

“Where is he?”

She slammed the glass down on the counter making a few of the men in the room look our way, the look she gave them let them know this wasn’t their fight.

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“One picture. He only keeps one picture in the garage. It’s not of his mother or his brother. It’s not of our children! Who I’m afraid to have around right now because some fool might come shooting! The only picture he has in his beloved garage is of us. You, me and him. It’s not just him you gave up on Alek! You gave up on me, on your godchildren. He’s in the garage. He wanted to be alone but his people aren’t going to leave him. They have their faults but their loyal.”

I know she needed to talk, needed to vent but today wasn’t about her.

They all grilled me as I walked across the living room but they were his dogs and his dogs wouldn’t bite unless they were instructed to. I didn’t recognize the young guys in the living room but the two at the door immediately started smiling and stood up when they saw me.

Aaron and Allen were twins and they’d grown up with us. We all played baseball together. My career ended in high school once I realized my fast ball topped out at 60 mph. Aaron and Allen were suspended for fighting and just said screw school. Niles was the best out of all of us. He could swing a bat like Ken Griffy Jr. and throw a ball like Roger Clemens but once the three of us stopped playing, so did he. I graduated to college and the three of them graduated to the streets.

Aaron and Allen lived Niles because he gave them purpose. They were just being thugs to be thugs but Niles gave them a reason to be thugs. He took pistols out of their hands and told them to use them only when necessary. He showed them how to save money and get what they wanted with respect and not fear. They were his soldiers and even though they were smiling I could see the disappointment in their eyes.

“It’s been a minute Alek, hate for this to be the reason you’re coming to see your man.”

“How is he?”

“You know Niles, he’s ice; but that’s mostly for the soldiers. It was his brother. Outside of us going to the funeral home and the service today, he hasn’t left the garage. The streets are waiting and the goons are getting antsy but we won’t do nothing until the boss tells us which way to rock.”

Stepping past them and taking the stairs down into the garage he saw why he spent so much time down. Calling it a garage was a disservice. There were three cars in there and a couple bikes but there was also a pool table, a bar, a couple couches and full bath. He was still wearing the suit he wore at the funeral, the sleeves were rolled up and his tie was loosened on his neck.

There was music playing in the background but he didn’t know the rapper. He was polishing the candy red Impala. There were two luxury cars and an SUV in the driveway but he was focused on the oldest car in the garage. The one he’d bought from his brother when he was only 16 for 600 dollars. They went all over Texas in that car and got stuck so many times they both learned how to work on cars.

Walking towards him he looked up and threw the rag on the ground before breaking out into a big smile. It started with a handshake before he pulled him in to a hug. They’d been friends since they’d both been forced to sit in church all day at the age of 5. They’d borrowed clothes, fought together, shared women and money. But at some point Alek had to make the decision that the life Niles was living was going to get him killed and he couldn’t watch his bestfriend go down that path. Walking away from his friend meant walking away from the wife he introduced him to and the godchildren he’d come to love.

“They shot him like a dog in a ditch A! They caught him leaving home and going to work and hit him over 24 times. My brother wouldn’t about this life! You know that shit! Everybody know that shit! The police acting like this over a bitch but what nigga you know do ambush him and hit him that many times and be that clean getting away if it was over a bitch?”

He grabbed the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label off the bar and poured us both a glass before he picked up a football and started throwing it in the air.

“He asked about you a lot. He thought maybe you tried to creep with my wife or some shit like that. Everyone asks about you, even my kids and you know… I don’t have answers for none of them because like them I’ve spent so much time trying to realize why my bestfirend got ghost on me when I needed him the most! When his bestfriend, my wife needed him! I buried my brother today but I buried my other brother the day you walked out on us!”

“You know why I had to leave bro. You have enough money, you got the house and the wife and the businesses, why the streets!? If you don’t get got by whoever hit your brother or the cops, it’s going to be one of those young boys upstairs that want your spot!”

He threw the football at the wall and got in his face.

“They don’t want my spot! They just want to be on a winning team! They know loyalty, unlike you A. What do you want man? What do you want?”

Putting his drink down on the table he straightened his own tie and looked Niles in the face.

“I know who killed your brother.”

To Be Continued…

My Only Sin Was Loving You Too Much

IMG_0629Sleep felt foreign at the moment, laying down, closing his eyes, it just wouldn’t come. Getting out of bed as not to disturb her he walked out the bedroom and lied on the couch. Not knowing how long his eyes had been closed he could hear her in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge. Running water in the sink, letting water out of the sink. His temper and stress had her walking on egg shells and her trust issues and the intensity of her love had him not knowing how to approach her at times. Not knowing how to explain to her that her doubts and fears were unwarranted.

His phone sitting on the kitchen table, he made no effort to go get it. If she was going to look through it, she was going to look through it. It’s the nature of women he thought to himself, curiosity killed the cat.

When she walked in the living room and put the TV on mute he knew tonight wouldn’t just be another sleepless night but another night without peace. He knew what the look meant before any words came out of her mouth. The look of fear mixed with anger, passion mixed with uncertainty.

“I know you want me to forget about it, to get over it but I still have questions. Why is it okay for you to just dismiss what’s important to me? What did the message say? Are you going on dates? Are there other women? I saw you looking up restaurants online, you took off work. Is there someone else Ron?”

The more she talked, the more he tried to put himself in her shoes but the more he tried to understand her, the more he just couldn’t. Though he loved women, though he never made it a secret about his past relationships he’d changed for her. Gone were the late night text and phone calls. Gone were the happy hours and friends that couldn’t except he wasn’t the man he used to be. Every one around him saw it, so why couldn’t she see it?

Why were tears of pain falling from her eyes at 3:00am instead of tears of pleasure? He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it was going to be alright but his pride ran deep. His love for her was unquestionable so why couldn’t her faith in him be unwavering?

Before he knew it the glass in his hand shattered against the living room door!

“Why don’t you ever just shut up?! You have to pick a fight every night because of your got damn insecurities?!”

Turning his back and walking towards the kitchen he could hear her footsteps behind him. Standing in a pair of panties and holding her wine glass she pushed him in the back and as soon as he turned around he felt the wine hit his face!

“You don’t talk to me like that! I’m not afraid of you and you will not disrespect me!” His hand was around her neck before she finished her sentence. Letting her go, she gasped for air as he backed up.

Wiping the wine out his eyes with his shirt he wasn’t fast enough as the glass she was holding connected with his mouth. The taste of blood on his tongue and the immediate swelling on the tips of his fingers. Their fights had always been bad but the pint up hostility, aggression, resentment. It boiled over to a place it had never been to before. The aggression a substitute for desire. Rage a substitute for words that needed to be spoken.

Seeing his mouth bleeding she could muster no compassion, not for the man that had taken everything from her that made her, her. Her love for him was in direct conflict with the independence and control she had in her own life. The deeper he penetrated her heart, the more she felt helpless in just how much control he had over her mind, body and soul.

As they kissed he bit her lip and looking into his eyes she licked the blood off his mouth. As their tongues intertwined she ripped open his shirt and he pinned her against the wall. Hunger being replaced by hate; the intensity of him needing to be inside of her being replaced by the urge to grab his keys and never see her again.
Her legs wrapped around his waist, her hands in his hair, her eyes glazed over.

“I love you sooo much. I need you sooo much! If you’re going to leave me, do it now because I won’t be okay if you drag this out knowing it’s not what you want.”

He didn’t know why he was crying. Part of him wanted to believe it was because she felt like Heaven in his arms but a part of him knew it was because the intensity of their love scared him just as much as it scared her.

Love this deeply rarely works because the fire tends to consume everyone.

Doubts As A Writer; Insecurities As A Man

IMG_0701It’s not realistic to me sometimes that I’m going to be anywhere near who are what I want to be. To some this might be perceived as a lack of self-confidence or confidence in my writing or abilities but to be it’s just the hand I’ve been dealt when it comes to my mental and emotional makeup. This one quote sticks in my mind constantly since I’ve heard it. “Almost every writer as one book in them, almost no one has two books.” I get asked at least once a week where the sequel is to my first novel. It’s been almost 4 years now. There’s always a reasonable excuse but the truth is every version I write just doesn’t feel good enough.

For a man like me that’s incredibly confident in most things I do, it’s almost impossible to explain what it’s like to be hesitant about something that I know I’m great at. If Tom Brady was born to throw a football and Kobe was born to shoot a basketball and Shakespeare was born to write plays, I was born to write novels. So why is it that I have this weight of the world type fear in my heart when it comes to something that I love to do so much?

I wrote my first novel when I was in the 11th grade. It was front and back on a 70 page notebook tablet. I’d broken up with my girlfriend and used her and her friends and myself and my friends as characters. Because this was in the age before social media and blogs the way it got read was that it got passed around from person to person. People trying to figure out which character was which and what was reality and what I’d made up in my mind. It was at that moment, at that juncture in my life that I knew I could write. That I knew this wasn’t going to be a hobby for me. So now 14 years removed from that moment I feel as though my spirit is breaking at the thought that I won’t fulfill my destiny.

Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m incapable of ever truly opening up to someone. Incapable of ever loving someone in a way that will allow me to be vulnerable. Saying things like, “I miss you” or “I love you” or “I need you” have always been easier to put in a letter or write in a book then they have been to say out loud. When you find yourself not able to open up to someone on any level, what happens is all of that “stuff” in your head manifest itself into self-doubt, self-loathing, the inability to accept the shoulder or hand someone that cares about you is offering you. That inability is what makes me the writer I am but that inability is what makes me the writer I’m not.

In the dawn of the morning all I want some days is for her to hug me and tell me that I am everything I believe I am. No real drawn out conversations, no pretty words. Just my head on her stomach and her looking down on me with those eyes that say I need you and I believe in you. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that, not if I’m being honest. I’ve had people say those things to me and say those pretty words but that moment when I know that they believe in me just as much as I believe in me. That’s priceless.

These are just the ramblings of a writer in the morning hours of a Saturday. Letting whoever reads this know that you are not alone if you feel those doubts, if you feel alone.

Demez F. White

Expectations and Life…

385448_213663785373354_118911191515281_532154_1408080341_nThere are often times when I wondered why God hasn’t given me the wife and son I desired so much and then blessings or opportunities happen and I sit back and laugh at my own naivety. He did give me the wife I want, those are my novels and short stories. He has given me the son I craved, those are the scripts that will be on movie screens or television series in the next year or so. Sometimes I’ve been so busy looking for the forest that I didn’t see the trees.

Opportunities don’t fall out of the sky; we create them with hard work, with faith, with support and with our God given abilities! There’s the moments you feel down, the times you feel let down and the times you’ll be beaten down but all of those only lead to feeling that much more redeemed when success happens.

Expectations are a tricky thing, they sort of sneak up on you before you know it. One minute you’re talking about what you want and the next minute you’re living it. I remember when I used to write for Facebook likes and I’m not being funny by the way. I would write a story, tag several people and when someone would like it or comment on it I’d feel like I’d just won the Pulitzer Prize. Those were simpler days…

Now I have all these people that need me to write for them and they need it to be great! They’ve invested business plans, money, time, energy and their all into success and my writing is the last cog in the wheel. They know what they want, now they need my writing to sell it. I adore those expectations but I also fear them. And what I’ve learned is that fear is a great motivating tool, especially the fear of regressing. I’m literally a couple pages away from seeing my name in film credits, in TV credits, you know how cool that feels? But to be this close and it not to happen, that would hurt worse than the worst heartbreak I could imagine. So I’ll make sure the writing is everything it has to be and more!

These past couple of years have taught me that business is just business, there are no friendships or honor in the career I’ve chosen. Because in the end and there will aways be an end, money trumps all. Egos, arrogance, reputation, checks, they break any perceived friendships and I’ve come to accept that.

In my mind, I have accepted the fact that I will be a great writer.

With great expectations comes great responsibility and I will SMASH both!

2010 was the foundation.

2011 was the introduction.

2012 was a lot of lessons.

2013 will be the start of the evolution.