Two Voices: One Relationship; One Year

Her Words

Paradox. Thru my eyes my first year in this relationship is summed up in one word: Paradox. This year has been the most beautiful ugly I have ever experienced. We weren’t supposed to be; two tortured souls on different sides of the fence. I’m not even sure we were supposed to be friends. A slave to pain, I knew I loved you the fist time you hurt me. I needed someone to love, I needed someone to gift myself to.

His Words

I’m not even sure what the word paradox means, even though I’m a writer I suck at spelling and am horrible with definitions. If I had to sum up this first year in one word it would be, scary. I’ve spent my entire life being responsible to myself, to my own feelings. Learning to be responsible for someone else’s feelings, someone else’s heart, it scared me. I’m not sure I wanted a girlfriend or even someone to seriously date. I think I just needed a best friend. I needed that Love and Basketball, Brown Sugar, No Strings Attached type of friendship. How do you prepare for needing one thing and falling into something else?

mr-and-mrs-smith2

Her Words

I’ve learned so much in the first six months, like how it’s possible to love again. How the definition of love stays the same but the connotation changes. The expressions of love are all individualized. The allocation of love is circumstantial; and my love for the man that fell into my life was unconditional. I had never lived away from home let alone with someone. To see him have my back everyday despite fights, personal feelings, and dealing with his own demons, made my respect for him grow. All while hating his flaws and mistakes.

His Words

I should write a how to manual. How to be a jerk in six months time, how to push someone in six months time, how to lie and be unapologetic in six months time. What do you call it when you’re not a boy but you’re not a man? When you’re responsible and logical and respected but spoiled, insecure and demanding? You call it the first 6 months of this relationship. It’s not that I didn’t love her, it’s not that I didn’t want her around, it’s that I didn’t know how to return the all engaging love I was being given. Is it possible to resent someone for wanting the best for you, for seeing the best in you? Is it possible to want her to see your flaws so that your words don’t break her heart?

Her Words

The last six months unveiled myself to me. How would I deal with REAL temptation? How would I hold up under real adversity and trials? I’ve let myself down a lot over this past year. But I would redo it every time. Some are not privileged to experience what I have experienced in this past year. To find love once is rare. To experience it on this level; even more so. This year was crazy beautiful and painfully sweet. This year wasn’t fair to me. This year broke me, scarred me, aged me, contradicted me, taught me, soothed me. This year gave me valuables.

His Words

For most of my life I’ve prided myself on being a better man than my father. On being a better man than most of the men I know. This last six months have shown me that every man is one mistake, one relationship, one loving or forgiving woman a way from his own self destruction or self reflection. I have no regrets because each fight, tear, loss has lead me to this exact moment right here. In a generation of women that seem to want everything ready made it’s rare to find a woman that wants to fight the war with you and doesn’t just want the kingdom. She still talks a lot and wears waaaaay too many of my good shirts to lounge in but I wouldn’t exchange her for the world. Well, maybe the world but not a city or country or something 🙂

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White

You’re A Great Woman But…

You’re a great woman but… you have no idea how to placate a man’s ego, I’m not saying be fake or let him believe he’s right when he’s not! I’m saying it doesn’t hurt to give a not so sincere compliment or to send a text explaining how great he is. We like to hear that, I can’t speak for most men but I’m pretty vain.

You’re a great woman but… you treat sex like it’s a weapon to be used at your disposal, you don’t send sexy text because that might leak on the internet if you break up. You don’t have sex when you’re mad because he’s on punishment, you don’t have sex when you’re tired, because… you’re tired. You don’t have sex before you go out because you might sweat out your hair. The thing about sex is this… It’s not that big a deal when it’s a healthy relationship, but once sex becomes an issue, it becomes like 90% of the problem. Basically a microcosm of what’s wrong with YOU! And I won’t even talk about oral tonight…

You’re a great woman but… you think you have the right to be comfortable. Old nightgowns on a Thursday night, big ugly socks on a summer’s night and don’t even get me started on panties… I hear this all the time, “everyone can’t wear thongs!” That’s perfectly fine, but don’t they make like a 100 different cuts and cute shapes that don’t fit like dental floss? Being comfortable in a relationship leads to trouble, it leads to coming home and wanting to lay down in the most relaxing outfit possible. And maybe that’s your two year old high school gym shirt… BUT THAT ISN’T SEXY!!! AND THAT IS GOING TO GET YOU PUT IN THE “My girlfriend is boring zone, let me see who’s on Facebook.”

You’re a great woman but… you have entirely too many male friends on Facebook. There is a big difference between a woman being cool with a man from work or with an old college friend and her being cool with 3000 random guys from across the USA and maybe overseas too! Every picture, every status, every link. They comment, some say crude things, some just flirt… and maybe you don’t oblige them, but you did add them. And you do keep adding them, so what is it? Do you just want the attention? Or are you advertising?

You’re a great woman but… YOU’RE BITTER AS HELL! All black men aren’t your ex or your child’s father or the guy you went out with for a week and he stalked you for a year. All guys aren’t the guy that never took you out or never paid for anything. All black guys don’t love white women and want you to cook for them 24/7 and all white guys won’t make you a Princess and put you in a Castle! Judge each man on his own merits, on how he treats you when he talks to you or when he see’s you. Is there a chance that he might change, switch it up… Of course there is, but love and relationships are about risk and carrying around that animosity and hate isn’t going to make the man want to work harder, it’s going to make him run!

You’re a great woman but… YOU’RE CHEAP AS HELL! Somewhere along the way you got it in your head that a man was supposed to pay for everything… From the dinners, to the desserts, to the drinks. And maybe you offer to pay here and there but you, I and the waitress or bartender knows it isn’t sincere. I’m a gentleman, I don’t mind picking up the check on a very regular basis but it’s all about give and take and it’s about being happy to do it. It’s one thing to do it because you know it’s necessary, it’s another to have the same enthusiasm you have when I pay… Just because you pay for one meal doesn’t mean I’m going to start asking you for money or leaving my wallet at home.

You’re a great woman but… You’re playing both sides of the fence, you want a good man, a guy that treats you right and goes to church and looks at you like you’re the only person in the world for him but you still text the asshole that couldn’t even get you RedBox and Popeyes. “He’s just my friend” or “I never call him, he’s calling me, I don’t want to be rude.” Why don’t you want to be rude exactly? You don’t owe him anything… Men are territorial, we accept certain friendships and we’ll even tolerate Social Networks but male associates that want to BANG you… that’s just not cool AND IT’S NOT SMART!

You’re a great woman but… Your friends make you look bad. We know they’re your girls from way back, we know they’ve had your back thru thick and thin but they’re slutty. And they have reputations and skanky pics online, it’s not so much that I care what people think. But perception is reality and “birds of a feather flock together.” So, when you get drama in your life and you wonder why men look at you this way or look at you that way, it’s because when they see you… They see your friends, so there’s no need to treat you like a potential wife or girlfriend.

You’re a good woman but… You have an image of a man that isn’t realistic… The average height for a male in the US is 5’ 9.2”, but you’re constantly talking about this 6’2 guy? So, you meet a great guy and he’s funny and smart but he isn’t tall enough or his stomach isn’t quite flat enough. You call it settling to give that man a chance so you don’t… Instead you stay home lonely and watch him marry your friend next year. You should be looking at him like a blank canvas, you can’t make him taller but you can feed him healthier foods and go to the gym or jogging with him. Quality time doesn’t have to be looking at a TV or going to a restaurant!

You’re a good woman but… You complain a lot… I MEAN A WHOLE LOT!!! It’s the first date; you have a problem with your job, your home, your ex, your family, your hair… just your life in general. You spend the entire night talking about how work drains you. This isn’t good conversation; this is you either pushing him away or you just not getting “it!” Complaining is one of those things that should be done in very little moderation. There’s a big difference between opening up and keeping it real and just venting for 2 hours…