Desires and Nightmares…

There have been a lot of sleepless nights in 2012 and I’ve accepted that’s my life.

I’m self destructive in a sense. I tend to push people away and then try to wheel them back in. I really don’t know why. I just can’t get close to people, I’m bad at it.

I charmed her and was falling in love with her and then I just pushed her away. And now I’m up nights wondering how I can fix it. How I can balance the passion and time I put into my writing into making things work.

There are nights where I just stand in the door and look at my bed. Two or three days in a row where I don’t even sleep in it. The only time I’ve ever slept comfortable is when there was someone in the bed with me.

My fear is that I’ll end up like my father. Everytime I take a drink actually it crosses my mind. Everytime I break a woman’s heart.

I need to kiss someone on New Years. I need to press her body against mines and feel her heart beat as the clock strokes midnight.

I just want to sleep…

Do You Think About Me?

228263_581014860585_118401058_31484293_5420516_nIt’s 5:51am at the moment. I got a good three hours of sleep before I woke up and decided to have a drink. That’s turned into several and now it’s the dawn before Christmas Eve and I’m sitting on the porch writing wondering why I’m alone.

I’ve done everything right. No children, no wife, my own place, a career and a second career. But it’s like no matter how much I do women just aren’t crazy about me like that. That scares me to be honest.

It scares me because this time last year I said I would be engaged by now. I’m going to be 30 in a little over a month and I’m still single? I know so many women and most of them either want to make me their guy on the side or they’re in situations with men that aren’t me.

As I sit here I do wonder if any of those women think about me. If they’re lying in bed wondering what I’m doing right now.

To be honest I’m just tired of writing to myself.

I need to know someone is thinking about me.

I just need to know that.