Late Night Thoughts…

I often wonder what’s the matter with me?

What is it about me that pushes people away?

I’m sitting here and I can’t stop thinking about why I’m not in bed with someone. The dating, the randomness, the same conversations over the same drinks at the same restaurants. It’s just getting old and I’m losing my mind.

Slowly but surely I’m losing my mind.

My grandparents are having their 50th Anniversary dinner tomorrow, I’ll be there dateless and thinking that even if I get married on Sunday the odds of us being married for 50 years are slim. The odds that I’ll ever get married are looking slim.

No woman has ever said I wasn’t a good man or a good person but they all say the same thing, ‘Demez, you’re just so withdrawn, afraid to commit.’ I wish they were wrong but the truth is they aren’t. I am afraid to commit because I’m not like most guys.

And I’m aware that most men say that but I’m actually serious, I love women and I take every woman I’ve ever dated or slept with or loved so seriously. The last two women I talked to and it went bad it almost broke me; I honestly don’t know how I made it. I suppose the grace of God.

 I just can’t do that again, I can’t be that into someone and it doesn’t work out because I’ll lose it. My passion makes me a great writer and a good friend and a son and brother and cousin that people can always depend on. But it has a downside, a dark side. My passion can be so deep and involved that it scares people.

It scares me…

I don’t call people or text people or write on FB walls to make claims. I’m not built like that. So when I fall I have all this energy, all this love, all these words and I put my pride to the side. But now I’m just starting to think none of it is worth it anymore.

I used to think my biggest fear in life was not being successful or not having a son. My biggest fear is that no one will mourn for me when I die, that no woman will keep me in her heart when that day comes. That scares me to death.

I’ll crash and burn sooner than later. I just hope I find peace of mind before that happens.

Rainy Day Thoughts…

On days like to day I usually experience two emotions. The first being lust. I love rainy cold days and what they mean when it comes to sex. The foggy windows, the sound of the water hitting the roof, lazy days of snacking and fucking. It’s like the perfect formula for making you remember why you’re with someone.

Now in the spirit of honesty it’s been awhile since I’ve had one of those days but I still hold out hope that I’ll have plenty of them in the future. So I won’t complain.

The second emotion is a little more on the deep side, when it’s like it us outside. When Christmas lights are up and toy commercials pop up every fifteen minutes I really ask myself who misses me?

And I’m fully aware that we all have families, I have a huge family. But I’m not really talking about my family because they’re almost obligated to miss me if something happens to me. I mean if I died tomorrow who would mourn me? I have no wife, no child, I’m not close with anyone on a bestfriend level.

I would like to think that I’m a good man, that I treat people right but at the end of the day does that matter if you don’t have a real connection with anyone? I joke sometimes that I’m just going to get a ‘baby-mama’ then at least I would know I’d have a son in this world and I would know she cared enough about me to have a child with me.

Now I’m a pretty smart man so I know that logic sounds silly as hell but it’s just how I’ve been feeling lately. Like, when it’s like this I just need to know that I’m wanted or missed or even thought about. I think that’s why I started writing in the first place, to be relevant.

Writing allows me to share my thoughts with people, to have people be just as invested in me as I am in myself. And as much as I love writing, I know it’ll never fill the void I have, maybe nothing will fill this void.

You know why I stopped writing on FB; it wasn’t because I want to get sponsorship money for my blog or because my publishers or PR people were telling me to stop writing so much. I stopped writing on FB because I want people to read my writing because they want to, not because they were tagged or see some likes. It’s the same reason why I don’t talk about Walking Down the Aisle constantly, having people read because they’re excited about my words is important to me.

Having someone be excited about me is important to me.

And that terrifies me also because I’m not stupid, I realize that if women see how much I need this void filled someone is going to take advantage of it. But do I even mind if they do is the question I ask myself?

Anyway, these are just some Sunday afternoon thoughts, I guess I’ll get back to the Texans now.

 

Demez F. White

Prayers of the Forgotten…

Dear Heavenly Father…

 You made me so you get that I’ve always been better at writing my thoughts out than just speaking them. I’m writing to you tonight because I could really use your help at the moment, I could use your clarity. Nights like tonight I just don’t get where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing?! Nights like tonight I feel like I’m the only person in this world! And I just don’t get it! I really don’t!

I don’t like complaining to you because you’ve really blessed me with an amazing life and an amazing talent but who else am I supposed to turn to! Who else am I supposed to talk to about this!? What has it been, five, six years maybe… Since Ash and I broke up and I haven’t had a girlfriend since? Countless women in and out of my life and I feel empty.

As I write this the Hennessy is literally burning my throat, my father is an alcoholic. He has 13, 14 children he’s never done anything for. Some nights I wonder if that’s my fate?! If I’m going to be that man! You know me, you know how hard I try and not be that person! How much I want more for myself!

But you took her from me! You took my son from me and I just don’t know anymore! I just don’t know how much longer I can be this person you want me to be! How much longer I can fight these urges to sleep with groupies or drink myself to sleep every night! I feel like I’m losing my mind at times and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I once read that some of the most talented men were some of the most tormented. I now get that! I asked you for success when it came to my novel and you’ve given me that. I literally can’t keep a book in my hand before they’re sold out. You’ve given me this amazing mind and imagination, you’ve given me health and life!

Now I’m coming to you and asking you for her! I need her! I’m no good alone and you know that! Whoever she is, just give me a chance for an introduction. I get so tired of all the talking, I just want to sit on a couch and have her lie on my chest. I just want to know she’s holding me down for me and not for what I can do for her. I just want her to be beautiful! Am I asking for too much?! Am I!!!!?

I share my thoughts with the world! My fears! My ambitions! I have no desire to hide who I am or how I feel. You’ve given me the ability to express myself and I’m using it!

I need to hear the words ‘I love you,’ I need to know I’m not in this alone because right now I feel like I’m in a room full of people and they’re all there and clapping and happy and they’re looking thru me!

I went to church, I got on my knees and asked for your help and I felt like you abandoned me! I wake up every morning looking at my phone, my email for a sign that I didn’t make her up! For a sign that it matters to someone!

I’m writing to you because writing to them eased my mind, knowing people read my work and care about my words makes me feel like I’m worthy! But they can’t help me with what I need tonight! It’s easy to smile at work, to smile at home but right now I don’t feel like smiling! I feel like I need a friend, a shoulder, a kiss!

Just give me a sign, give me strength, just let me know I’m not losing my mind. I can’t take anymore heart breaks, I won’t make it thru the next one.

In Your Darling Son Jesus’s Name…

Amen