Stop Blaming Social Media or Outdated Stereotypes for Bad Behavior

385448_213663785373354_118911191515281_532154_1408080341_nI’ve been in a relationship for about two years now. You know how many women that I was friends with or that I knew casually have approached me in a manner that’s flirtatious or disrespectful? None. Not one. Every text, phone call or message has been to congratulate me or simply to catch up or say hello. Women don’t find men in relationships more attractive; often times men in relationships let the world know they’re still available.

There’s perception and then there’s reality. You can’t flirt and be accessible and friendly and then complain that women or men aren’t accepting of your relationship. I have some amazing friends that I’d hang out with. Happy hours, long conversations, dropping them off at the airport. Once I got in a relationship or they got in a relationship that friendship dynamic changed. They had a long day, they call their man. They go to happy hour or talk about it, with their man. The same for me. They aren’t acting funny or being fake friends, it’s just called growing up.

I want to ask a serious question. Have you ever seen someone that was in a dope relationship talk about other people’s relationship or problems? I don’t mean casual pillow talk with your man or woman. I don’t mean casual gossip with your girls. I mean, it’s every day and it’s not just one or two couples but it’s all the time. You don’t see that type of behavior out of people that are good. But you see it out of people that are lying to themselves.

If a woman compliments my writing at 2am and I respond in her inbox, “Thanks, I love when women are up late reading my words.” With that one sentence I just told her I was available. I can try and tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong and that’s the problem with women these days, they think every guy is flirting, etc. But I’d be lying to myself. There are lines you don’t cross and you shouldn’t want to cross. Not if you’re happy with what you have at home.

4 Reasons You Don’t Want A Good Man

If you made it pass the title and are reading this, I won’t play with your emotions. This isn’t a blog about why women don’t want “good men,” it’s a blog about why being a good man is becoming as cliche as saying, “I’m giving 100%.”

You want to know what kind of man constantly has to remind the world and women that he’s a “good man?” The sort of man that sweats insecurity and has to mask it by letting the world know he is who he thinks he is. I’m not a good man, if I’m being honest, I’m probably more flawed than most. But what I am is a man that recognizes my faults and is willing to try.

Four- I said it earlier but if a man is constantly telling you how good of a catch he is or how he’s this great guy you should probably run. It’s sort of like those women that put, “Kim ‘Beautiful’ Jones as their Facebook name. Do women that get 10 inboxes a day and have exes from 2007 still sending text like, “So what do you want for Christmas?” Have to say, “I’m beautiful? Nah. If you’re that dude or that women, people know. Believe me.

Three- Good guys have the tendency to be “yes men.” A lot of women think they want a man that’s going to cater to them but it’s sort of like eating a food you love every night of the week. Eventually you’ll just get tired of it. Guys that cater to a woman’s every need forget one thing. Half the time women don’t know what they want themselves and they need aggression, conflict, tension, force. They need for a man to take control and say “I told your ass no! You’re not going out tonight. Now take off those clothes, get back on this couch and let’s watch this episode of Empire we DVR’d.”

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Two- Good guys let the better man win. Or sometimes he doesn’t even have to be the better man. He could just be the man that’s going harder for her affections than he is. It’s the “honorable” thing to do. Women aren’t playing games or trying to make you see how valuable she is when she decides to entertain another man. Sometimes it’s as simple as, men get comfortable and stop being the man that we were when you got her. It’s okay to fight for the woman you believe is destined to have your children. It’s okay to let your testosterone ring and tell that guy, “If you call my girl again, I’ll beat your ass.” Being a man isn’t always about taking the high road or being a good guy. Sometimes it’s just about letting that animalistic instinct out and being a man in our most primitive form.

One- Good guys worry about hurting women. Every man should want to worry about hurting women but when you love hard, when you love on a level that has no boundaries. Sometimes there are casualties. Good guys take off clothes slowly and wait till she’s had a shower and is comfortable. It’s necessary sometimes to rip the buttons on that blouse she loves, to kiss her and push her up against a door after she’s been at work for 9 hours. It’s okay to tell her the truth and make her cry when all she needed was for you to lie to her while she vents. Love isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always nice and good. Sometimes love is harsh and rough and nasty but that love is perfectly imperfect.

My Only Sin Was Loving You Too Much

IMG_0629Sleep felt foreign at the moment, laying down, closing his eyes, it just wouldn’t come. Getting out of bed as not to disturb her he walked out the bedroom and lied on the couch. Not knowing how long his eyes had been closed he could hear her in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge. Running water in the sink, letting water out of the sink. His temper and stress had her walking on egg shells and her trust issues and the intensity of her love had him not knowing how to approach her at times. Not knowing how to explain to her that her doubts and fears were unwarranted.

His phone sitting on the kitchen table, he made no effort to go get it. If she was going to look through it, she was going to look through it. It’s the nature of women he thought to himself, curiosity killed the cat.

When she walked in the living room and put the TV on mute he knew tonight wouldn’t just be another sleepless night but another night without peace. He knew what the look meant before any words came out of her mouth. The look of fear mixed with anger, passion mixed with uncertainty.

“I know you want me to forget about it, to get over it but I still have questions. Why is it okay for you to just dismiss what’s important to me? What did the message say? Are you going on dates? Are there other women? I saw you looking up restaurants online, you took off work. Is there someone else Ron?”

The more she talked, the more he tried to put himself in her shoes but the more he tried to understand her, the more he just couldn’t. Though he loved women, though he never made it a secret about his past relationships he’d changed for her. Gone were the late night text and phone calls. Gone were the happy hours and friends that couldn’t except he wasn’t the man he used to be. Every one around him saw it, so why couldn’t she see it?

Why were tears of pain falling from her eyes at 3:00am instead of tears of pleasure? He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it was going to be alright but his pride ran deep. His love for her was unquestionable so why couldn’t her faith in him be unwavering?

Before he knew it the glass in his hand shattered against the living room door!

“Why don’t you ever just shut up?! You have to pick a fight every night because of your got damn insecurities?!”

Turning his back and walking towards the kitchen he could hear her footsteps behind him. Standing in a pair of panties and holding her wine glass she pushed him in the back and as soon as he turned around he felt the wine hit his face!

“You don’t talk to me like that! I’m not afraid of you and you will not disrespect me!” His hand was around her neck before she finished her sentence. Letting her go, she gasped for air as he backed up.

Wiping the wine out his eyes with his shirt he wasn’t fast enough as the glass she was holding connected with his mouth. The taste of blood on his tongue and the immediate swelling on the tips of his fingers. Their fights had always been bad but the pint up hostility, aggression, resentment. It boiled over to a place it had never been to before. The aggression a substitute for desire. Rage a substitute for words that needed to be spoken.

Seeing his mouth bleeding she could muster no compassion, not for the man that had taken everything from her that made her, her. Her love for him was in direct conflict with the independence and control she had in her own life. The deeper he penetrated her heart, the more she felt helpless in just how much control he had over her mind, body and soul.

As they kissed he bit her lip and looking into his eyes she licked the blood off his mouth. As their tongues intertwined she ripped open his shirt and he pinned her against the wall. Hunger being replaced by hate; the intensity of him needing to be inside of her being replaced by the urge to grab his keys and never see her again.
Her legs wrapped around his waist, her hands in his hair, her eyes glazed over.

“I love you sooo much. I need you sooo much! If you’re going to leave me, do it now because I won’t be okay if you drag this out knowing it’s not what you want.”

He didn’t know why he was crying. Part of him wanted to believe it was because she felt like Heaven in his arms but a part of him knew it was because the intensity of their love scared him just as much as it scared her.

Love this deeply rarely works because the fire tends to consume everyone.

5 Relationship Goals for the 21st Century Man 

  

  Relationship Goals 
1. It’s okay to be silly. Laughing at her if she thinks she’s cute and had lipstick on her teeth. Laughing at yourself if you are trying to be stern but your pants are unzipped. Never take yourself too seriously. If you can’t have fun with the one you love; who can you have fun with?

2. Traveling is to relationships what oil changes are to cars. I don’t care if it’s a bed and breakfast an hour away from where you live or a 5 star hotel over looking Amsterdam in the Fall. You have to call her, ask her if she’s free this weekend and just take a trip. Anywhere. Role play. Have her meet you in the lobby and give her a different name, let her be creative, imaginative. Overlooking a foreign city on a balcony in hotel robes is life. 

3. Find ways to work together. It could be either one of your passions but find a way to help each other build on a legacy. It’ll be hard at first, you’ll both feel like you’re right. She’ll be passionate, you’ll be calm. You’ll get angry, she’ll laugh. But once it all comes together you’ll have created something you love with someone you love. 

4. Overdress for no reason at all. I mean get gala fancy in the middle of July to go to a reverse happy hour. Everyone at the restaurant is going to think you’re coming from somewhere special but you know what? It doesn’t even matter what they think. Maybe you don’t have money for a 5 star restaurant or a 200 dollar a plate dinner. Let her put in a gown, you put on your best suit and eat hotwings and mozzarella sticks and slow dance in a parking lot with the radio being the DJ. 

5. Don’t let arguments go to waste. If you’re going to fight, argue, make sure it’s worth it. Don’t go to bed angry over foolishness. Don’t not hold her or kiss her over pride. We’re all only guaranteed so many days and nights with the person that makes our hearts skip a beat. Don’t waste those moments. 

Stop Dating Guys Prettier Than You

 

 You can log onto the internet any time of the day and find a post or two or four million about dating or marriage. Most of them focus on the why; why aren’t people getting married, why are people getting divorced, why, why, why. There are smarter people than me that research that and can give you great answers that go to the core of whatever perceived problem there is. According to some people there’s no problem at all.

Like I mentioned above, this isn’t about that, this is merely about what makes a man a man? And guys that take pride in being pretty usually make lousy boyfriends. I know someone will read this and think I’m attacking men that like to look good or take pride in their appearance but understand this; I have zero issue with grooming or cologne or making sure your edge up and outfit is on point when you leave the house. I do however have issue with men that want to be prettier than the women they date.

How do you know a guy wants to be prettier than you? What are the signs?

One- He lets you do things that men should naturally want to do. He doesn’t take out the trash when it’s sitting by the door, he doesn’t just go wash your car when he sees it’s dirty, he doesn’t take bags out of your hand when you walk in from the grocery store. There’s a chance he’s not doing it because he just lacks home training but if he’s a pretty guy he’s not doing it because he doesn’t think he has to. That’s worse.

Two- He thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants because you’re “lucky to have him.” You want to know something about men that demand loyalty and respect? We don’t have to demand loyalty and respect. Our actions will make that woman follow us because she wants to, because she feels good when she does. Look at the guy that is constantly taking selfies with his tight shirts or “the sun is in my eyes” eye squint. Look at the guy that has to remind you incisively of his social status or financial status; they all have one thing in common. They want you to know they’re important, they’re desired. See, I was raised to believe men shouldn’t have to do anything but the right thing and everything else will fall into place.

Three- Seeking attention when they can’t get it from you. Now I guy doesn’t have to be “prettier than you” in order to cheat or lie but what’s his intentions? I know men that work outside 12 hours a day and love female attention but it’s usually because they love sex or just being around women. That’s different than a man that needs constant reassurance. Those guys are dangerous because they’ll never be happy with themselves and in turn won’t be able to make you happy.

Four- Guys that simply think, “I’m the catch.” I’ve always lived be the premise that women love hard so as a man I should treat the woman I’m with like she’s a gift from God because she’s going to treat me like that regardless once her heart is in it. When she walks into a room other men are going to look, other women are going to admire, that’s a feeling I cherish. Knowing she’s the sun and I’m just a planet that’s lucky enough to revolve around her. When guys feel as though, “I’m me, look at me, you need to be thankful.” They’ll never get it.

Relationships fail for plenty of reasons, there’s no formula for success or failure but there has to be a baseline in which gender roles and mutual respect flourish. Men aren’t meant to be afraid of hard work or selflessness. Men aren’t meant to be pretty. Women usually are turned on the most when we’re fixing a broken sink or toilet or changing her oil or breaks. There’s a reason why sweat and dirty jeans still make her want to hug you. Don’t be pretty, be a man.

Don’t Call Her Insecure Unless You’re Willing to Call Yourself Insincere

Cute Sweatshirts

Cute Sweatshirts

What’s worse than being lied to? It’s having the feeling that you’re crazy. Some women call it intuition, some men call it having a feeling in your gut but it’s all the same for all of us. Those moments where you’re in the shower or driving to work and something just doesn’t feel right.

You can’t put your hand on it, you don’t have any real proof but whatever it is, is just nagging at you. A part of you wants to ask questions, investigate but you don’t want to be crazy. He’s already told you everything is okay, there’s nothing going on so why sabotage your own happiness?

As men and even women in some cases a well-placed or timed lie that you think does no harm makes all the sense in the world in that moment. “I don’t want to argue so let me just tell them what I think they want to hear.” The problem is maybe you can get away with one small lie but small lies often lead to bigger lies and now her insecurities are rooted in your insincerity. Insecurity and insincerity are like termites, constantly eating away and ripping at the foundation. On the outside everything looks fine, the house is clean and the dishes are put away but right beneath the surface is chaos.

In the past I’ve written about gender roles. Being a man isn’t about opening a door or buying dinner, of course those things will put a smile on her face but it’s more than that. Most women, regardless of how many articles or “love experts” tell you otherwise only want honesty. They only want you to be the man you were when they first met. They don’t want to have to guess at whether or not you’re going to be a different guy every day.

Making her feel like she’s crazy because she has doubts when you know you’ve given her reasons to have doubts is not cool. There’s a good chance you’ll lose her and is anything worth that?

~ Demez F. White

Are They Looking For Help or Falling In Love?

perfect love The difference between someone loving you and someone trying to escape the prison they’ve set up around their heart is barely visible to the human eye. As a matter of fact it could take years for you to actually realize that they were looking for help and not looking for love.

A lot of people associate looking for help with financial situations. They’re looking for someone to help pay bills or to get some money from but when someone is looking for help it can often be emotional help. When someone has been damaged or hurt often times all they need is a good person in their life to balance out all the heartbreak and lies they had to deal with before.

This isn’t always a bad thing but it isn’t always a good thing either. What happens is you become a glorified stop gap. Someone to heal them but does healing equate to loving?

It’s not necessarily a bad thing you know. Someone needing you to help them opposed to falling in love with you. We can’t dictate why people need us in their lives; all we can hope is their intentions are genuine.
There are plenty of people out here looking for help for all the wrong reasons and karma always comes back on those people.
~ Demez