Scottie Pippen Is A Better Man Than Me

102216-sports-future-larsa-scottie-pippen I don’t write a lot about pop culture or celebrity gossip but is something really gossip if all the parties involved acknowledge it happened? When your woman is on social media all over a guy you really can’t blame anyone else but her. Don’t get mad at the paparazzi or blogs for reporting on a fire that her and Future started.

Why is Scottie Pippen a better man than me? I’m not one of those guys that’s going to pretend like I would never take a woman back for cheating. I’ve never had to make that decision but I can imagine that if you love a woman enough anything is possible. See, it’s not the cheating, it’s the flaunting it to the world that would close that door for me. Allowing another man to basically say, “This isn’t my woman, just a lil something I’m messing around with right now.” I can’t do it bro. Call it pride, call it arrogance, I don’t care. I mess up and you go out and get in another relationship, that’s on me. I mess up and you become a full on groupie? Girl bye.

Future has become our generations fu*kboy idol. I really do wish I could use a better term and believe me I racked my brain trying to find one but this is the most accurate term possible. He raps about drugs, how little value women have and hates the mother of his child because she moved on and found happiness. And before I get the, “It’s just music” crowd commenting. It can’t be just music when you not only rap about taking another man’s wife but you snapchat it and tweet about it and take pride in it. There are a generation of tattoo’d, skinny jean wearing, penicillin taking guys that idol the ain’t shi*ness of Future. Your wife leaves for him, you just have to throw the whole wife away and get a new one before Trump bans her country.

To be fair, I’ve never been married so maybe I don’t understand the love and energy it takes to fight for a marriage when you know you’ve both done wrong. Regardless of all of that, can’t do it bro. I wish Scottie the best and I hope Jordan forgives you for bringing this sort of energy to the legacy of the Bulls.

Men Don’t Have Biological Clocks That Tick But That Sense of Urgency A Week From Your Mid 30’s May Beat Here and There

I’m turniI feel young 34 in about a week and a half and though I don’t believe men have a biological clock I very much believe that men get to a point in their lives where they start to want to move forward. I used to write about wanting a son often in my earlier blogs years ago. I let social media bully and manipulate me into stopping.

“You’re thirst trapping with the whole nice guy routine.”

“If you wanted a good woman you could have had one by now.”

The list goes on and on. So I stopped. I stopped writing about wanting a wife and a son and the house with the neighbors my age and good public schools. Just because I stopped writing about those things doesn’t mean I don’t still very much want them. It doesn’t mean that with each day that passes by I don’t come to realization that I won’t have four or five children. I literally sit at my desk at five am and think to myself, “Self, you’ll need to get married in the next year and you’ll need your wife to get pregnant every year so that she isn’t 40 plus popping out babies that have a 50% chance of having birth defects.”

Do I have a biological clock that pounds a little harder every time I see a picture of a cute baby or see someone that shouldn’t be having children having them with ease? I doubt it but I do have a sense of urgency creeping up on me just as fast as the number 34 is.

Men and women have been profiting for ages trying to tell people what husband or wife material means. Writing definitions and standards that will lead you to the promise land of the alter and a perfect life. The truth is it’s all a lie. What you want is what you want and if that’s shallow and materialistic then that’s what it is. And if it’s beautiful and passionate then that’s what it is. Someone can be the ideal image of perfection to 93% of the world and to you they aren’t. You have to let them go because no matter how hard you try and convince yourself otherwise; you can never make apple juice out of lemons.

I’m not good at being friends with women. At least I wasn’t in the past. Maybe I flirted too much, maybe I made them feel as though they were more than friends. It could just be that I wasn’t a good friend myself and didn’t realize it. Either way what I’ve realized is that I need my wife to be that friend. I need to like her, I need to want to share good news with her. I need who she is as a woman to make me smile. I need to trust her above all else. Things I didn’t think about when I turned 30 or even 32.

My writing has shifted over the years. I don’t really give my opinion anymore about relationships and dating. I simply write about what I’m feeling or going through. Maybe someone reading will relate and find their voice in my words.

The surreal thing about life is that no matter what you tell yourself, no matter what you tell other people, you know the truth. And as cliché as it sounds, the truth will always set you free.

There’s A Difference Between Giving Up and Knowing When Something Just Isn’t Working

Who Doesn't Want This?

We all want this but life isn’t perfect.

happy

That difference between true love and love.

“I’m never getting divorced.”

“People in our generation don’t know what loyalty is.”

“A man should take care of a woman like my grandfather and father did.”

We throw these phrases around in 2015 without actually thinking about what we’re saying. You notice how it’s always single people that make statements like, “I’m never getting divorced!” Or that say things like, “People don’t want to work for relationships anymore.” I respect any couple that can go through the ups and downs of life together for decades but let’s be honest about something. A lot of those women and men put up with things our generation would never put up with and why is that a bad thing?

If you work at a job for a year and realize you suck at it; no one blames you for quitting and finding a new job. If you buy a car because it’s sleek and pretty and realize the gas mileage sucks and it floods too much in Houston for something so low to the ground; no one judges you for trading it in for something that’s more practical. So why is it that we are so judgmental of people that realize a relationship or marriage isn’t working and decide to move on? If you give someone your all for six months and realize the differences are just too great to overcome would it be easier if you gave them a year, two years? Who are any of us to judge whether or not someone gave their all? Tell me if this makes sense: Be unhappy for a decade but you can say you were married for ten years or be unhappy for a year or two and spend the next eight enjoying your life and maybe actually finding someone that makes you smile.

For the longest time people would ask me about past relationships and I would say with pride, “I was with my ex for eight years.” But as I’ve gotten older I realized it didn’t make me strong or better than someone else for being in a relationship that long when I knew neither of us was happy. It made me a man that was afraid. Afraid of accepting that not being with her would mean uncertainty. It would mean maybe she would find happiness without me or maybe I would feel guilt for giving up on her. Fear of time wasted or guilt can’t be the cornerstone of a relationship. Being honest with yourself isn’t quitting, it’s being an adult.

How arrogant is it for people that are in marriages they resent or single people that have never even been engaged to make statements like, “People don’t try anymore.” Every marriage, household, relationship is different. You think that man or woman that you feel like just gave up went into their marriage with the idea they would get divorced? Every story is not the same and it’s okay to say, “This isn’t working, let’s be happy.”

Living Life In the Shadow of Not Wanting to be My Father 

  I have fairly high expectations for the man I want to be. I’ve literally lived my life trying to do everything the right way. I don’t have any stories of drunken house parties while my parents were away or sleeping in the drunk tank on spring break. I have never concerned myself with what’s popular if it wasn’t right. I wish I could say I was doing this because I have this high moral compass or because I’m inherently good but that’s not the case at all. 

I am who I am because I promised myself I would never be my father. My fist time meeting him was my 4th or 5th birthday, at least that’s my first time remembering meeting him. My mom and family threw me this smurfs themed party. I loved the smurfs. He showed up with a car truck. Not the electronic type but the hot wheel kind. He didn’t hug me and barely spoke. I just remember feeling like he was a stranger and I never wanted to feel that way again. I never wanted to feel irrelevant. 

Sometimes I wonder what type of father I will be. I don’t worry whether or not I’ll be there for him or her or whether or not I’ll provide. I worry that I won’t be able to give them the emotional support they need. That I won’t be the man I always invisioned myself being. It’s a scary feeling being unsure about something that’s supposed to come so natural. 

Will I be the type of husband that just knows when my wife needs a break? The type of father that just knows when my child needs a hug instead of a spanking. My father didn’t teach me these things and in trying to be everything he wasn’t I’m afraid I’ll become some of the things I hate about him. Nature vs. Nurture.  

Stop Talking About What You Want In A Wife and Start Talking About What You Want To Be As A Husband

  It’s really easy to talk about what we want in someone. I want a woman that’s fine and smart and sexy and giving, etc. I want a woman that’s caring and beautiful and fashionable. What we forget though, what matters more than what we want is who we are and what we attract. 

That leads me to the point of this article. Instead of constantly talking about what you want; talk about what you want to be. We attract what we are, it’s that simple. It’s easy to say we have bad luck or attract the wrong people but that’s not the case. We give people the time of day because there’s something in them that we see in ourselves.

When I think about the type of husband I want to be I don’t think about what my future wife would want or be attracted to. I think about what type of woman would be attracted to the man I’m becoming; the man I am. Part of being a good husband or boyfriend is becoming a good man first. Not how I look with my shirt off or my ambitions as a provider but having the type of soul, standards, morals and heart that will stand adversity. Six packs become kegs, wavy hair becomes a receding hairline. A great job becomes Exxon Mobil laying off a 1000 people on a Tuesday. Commitment has to be deeper than that. Commitment has to lie at the heart of the man you are. 

This isn’t the point where I rattle off a list of traits and characteristics where women ohh and ahh. This isn’t the point where I take shots at other men they still have a lot of growing to do in their relationship. This is the point where I say, “Just because you fall short today doesn’t mean you can’t stand tall tomorrow. Just because you aren’t the man or woman you’d want your son or daughter to marry tonight; that doesn’t mean you can’t be that man or woman two months from now.” The reason couples seem so perfect today and they’re divorced tomorrow is because they dated, fell in love with and married representatives. You can’t bare your soul to a representative. Look inside yourself and there you will find the reflection of who it is you want in your heart. 

I’m A Christian, A Black Man and I Believe Marriage Is Between A Man and A Woman

Today I’m coming out the closet, not that I was exactly ever in the closet but I feel the need to tell the world. I DEMEZ WHITE LOVE GOD, MY FAMILY AND WOMEN! Over the past weekend I was emerged in everything Bruce Jenner. He’s courageous, brave, strong, doing what’s best for him! As a society it’s almost blasphemous to say anything negative about a gay or transgender person. And to be honest I don’t have anything negative to say other than to say, “Why should I care?”

The media tries to portray a lot of Christians and hateful hypocrites. “How can you think being gay is a sin but you have sex before marriage or cheat on your wife?” Being imperfect doesn’t mean that you can’t have your beliefs.

It pains me to turn on CNN or MSNBC or Fox News and see 24/7 coverage of Bruce Jenner but just a snippet of the young man that was murdered in Baltimore. I get it, ex Olympic star connected to the Kardashians is a juicier story than a another black guy getting beaten and dying. It may be a story that gets more hits but believe me it’s nowhere near important.

Someone called on the radio today and said, “If you aren’t gay or transgender than you don’t know what it is to be discriminated against.” I suppose being black is okay now because we don’t experience any of that discrimination anymore, not since we have a black President.

The more I listen to music, watch television or read articles the world is asking me to be more tolerant of those that are gay, bisexual, transgender or anything other than the norm. I don’t have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with though is the idea that being gay or transgender makes you a hero. You’re a hero for being yourself?

I believe that the day I stand in front of God, my beautiful bride to be, our family and friends will be the happiest day of my life. I believe that the female body was perfectly made for who I am as a man. That’s why we can create little perfect human beings that feed from her breast and have my eyes and her nose. I believe that not only as a man, but as a black man it’s my job, my duty to pick up my brother when he’s down, to teach my cousins and nephews and my future sons how to be good men. I take pride in being a black man, in pumping gas or cutting a yard or working hard. I know that Jesus Christ died for my sins and because of that I take pride and privilege in being a Christian. Knowing that if I live my life right, treat others with respect, pray, love those who not only love me back but despise me; I will end up in Heaven.

I feel youI don’t want anyone to read this and think I have a problem with people who don’t share the value system and faith I believe in.

 

 

How to Discredit A Black Man? Just Call Him Angry

Kanye West and Eddie Murphy

Kanye West and Eddie Murphy

This morning Kanye West gave an interview on the popular morning radio show the Breakfast Club and almost immediately the reactions started to pour in. Everything from he supports child molesters and slut shaming to he’s crazy for loving his wife. Now to be fair you also had the “he’s a genius crowd,” which is also understandable.

Let’s talk for a minute about what Kanye is. He’s a man that’s pretty open about his faith, one of his biggest hits was “Jesus Walks.” He’s a man that dropped out of college to literally become one of the biggest musical stars in the world. Something we praise Mark Zuckerburg and Steve Jobs for. He’s never been in prison or fathered a bunch of children. He’s never glorified the selling of drugs of pimping and killing of women or children. Everyone that works with him talks about his work ethic and passion.

Let’s talk about who Eddie Murphy is. This is a man that at 19 saved Saturday Night Live. A writer, actor and director that has always hired black people not just in front of the camera but behind the camera. Everyone he’s worked with raves about his loyalty and comedic timing.

Both are proud and talented men who’ve recently been given the “angry” label. Eddie Murphy chose not to make fun and mock a man he’s looked up to for all his life so he’s “angry.” Kanye talks about his love for his wife, defends his best friends wife, makes a song dedicated to his daughter and late mom. He isn’t passionate or a standup guy he’s angry and emotional.

We diminish black men’s thoughts and concerns by reducing them to temper tantrums. We allow the media and trolls to highlight a sentence here or quote there and turn a valid point into a catchy punch line.

I’ve often been accused of being too serious but the world lacks serious men. Everything can’t be about getting a laugh or fitting in. You have to stand for something. And if you decide to stand for something and have a voice people will try and silence that voice.

I Want to Catch You Everytime You Fall- Love Letter #14

2015/01/img_0629.jpgDear Future Wife,

On this Valentine’s eve I just want to say good morning, I know it’s early but I couldn’t really sleep last night. I’ve read so much about Valentine’s Day this week and about whether or not it’s relevant to a relationships interest. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I love the idea of celebrating love. I love the idea of celebrating anything.

This is the thing, I’m the sort of man that takes pride in making my woman fall every chance I get. You get a two dollar raise at work and call me at lunch, we’re going to dinner that night. You get an A on a test I know you’ve been studying hard for, I’m buying you a cupcake with a candle just so you can make a wish that you make an A on the next test. Love isn’t perfect and it’s unique to every situation but one thing that love is; love cares more about us than it does them. Maybe Valentine’s Day is commercial and exploits the loneliest of us. I can see that but maybe it also brings out the lover in the best of us.

I will stumble and fall, I’m still learning to love, still learning to be the man I know I can be. The same way I’m willing to catch you when you fall and give you the world is the same way I’d hope you never give up on me. I have no desire to say goodbye. No desire to pretend that I’m this cool guy that doesn’t care or is excited at the thought of not spending any money on February 14, 2015. I’d rather be spending tonight watching scary movies, grocery shopping so we can eat a dinner we prepared together and wake up seeing your face. A day to celebrate love, I’m here for that.

There’s no desire in me to try and convince anyone that they should buy flowers and candles and cuddle naked eating candy. No, that’s on each individual relationship. All I’d like for you to know is that when our day comes, when you and I are best friends and nothing or no one else matters in those moments we’re laughing and looking into each other’s eyes just know days like today and tomorrow when you’re not here are going to make me appreciate you that much more.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

Love Letter #12

Dear Future Wife,

Good Morning! I woke up in a really good mood this morning and I’d like to think you had something to do with that. I know you prayed for me last night, I know you slept alone dreaming about us. I can’t explain how I know, I just know.

Love is about realizing what’s important. It’s about waking up and smiling because the bills are paid and I know we’re going to go to church. It’s about seeing you wrapped in a towel and not wanting you physically but just smiling because you’re here, because I can feel you in the room. I’m not afraid of falling anymore, I’ve started to warm at the thought of it.

When I was younger I told myself I wouldn’t be ready for a wife until I could give her this seven thousand dollar ring and house and present her with a new car on our six month anniversary. My ideas of what love and commitment were, were childish, not childish because they aren’t great gestures but childish because love isn’t materialistic or based on what you can do for me and I can do for you. Love is simple and you build on it, you build on the small things until one day you look up and the big things are just there. Just here.

I would never give you a fake diamond because it looked like something really expensive. I know what you deserve and I will give you that one day but I have no problem falling to my knees with a one carat ring I got from a pawn shop. I would love to sit on the tail gate of my truck eating pizza and HEB wine with you while you’re wearing that ring proudly. There’s nothing fake about our future, nothing fake about the potential greatness of our love. Over these past couple of years I’ve prepared myself for you and I’m excited. I can see the growth and I can see us.

Different men prioritize different things. Some value money, some lust, some just want attention with no real motive other than filling a void. I value funny, I value soft, I value family and honesty and morals. Maybe if I would have written this letter two years ago I’d have been writing about morning sex when writing to my future wife, when writing to you. Now all I want in the morning is for you to wake me up for work and for us to talk while we get ready. Just to be loved by you and for you to know I’d lay down my life without hesitation for you.

So good morning beautiful and enjoy your day! Our day is coming soon, know that.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez F. White

2015/01/img_0656.jpg

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

Wake Up Calls

A lot of people think relationships are like romantic comedies. You meet someone, you realize you’re falling in love, you live happily ever after. The longer I was single the more I started to see having a girlfriend and potentially a wife as this perfect situation. When I met her and realized I was falling in love, realized I didn’t want her giving another man the feeling she was giving me it was the easiest thing in the world to make that commitment. To tell her, “Baby, I don’t want anyone else, you’re my world now.” That was in the beginning. Over time though we’ve settled into a routine and life happened.

We still have amazing sex but now it’s twice a week instead of damn near every night. I still wake up before her and watch her sleep at times but I don’t slide my hand under the sheets as much. We talk, we text, we laugh but the passion. The passion that came into our lives like a tidal wave just didn’t drown us like it did before.

Sitting in a meeting, trying to focus on work, all I could think about was how did we get here? I could live with arguing or fighting but this was different. We were becoming boring, comfortable. I wish I could say it was all her, she didn’t send the same pictures she used to send. “I’m not going to have a hacker having my ass on the internet. You see it every night so why do you need pictures?” She loves me, she still cooks and worries, there isn’t a selfish bone in her body but it’s just different. I still bring home flowers but now it just feels like a chore. Trying to remember the last time I picked her up in the middle of the day for lunch, I couldn’t. I used to do that for her once a week.

Seeing her name pop up on my phone with a video attached I put it back in my pocket. It was probably a video of a cat with a baseball cap on or a wedding dance that she thought was perfectly cute. Finishing the meeting, a little small talk, my phone vibrated again. “So I guess you didn’t like my video. I better send it to someone that does.” Wanting more than anything to avoid a fight I clicked on the video and my eyes immediately shot to the door because in a matter of seconds I couldn’t control what was happening in my pants. He woke up and anyone that would have walked into my office would have went to human resources with the quickness.

Where the bed was in our guest room was now replaced with a pole. A chair was sitting in the corner and music was playing in the background. “I know we’ve been in a funk lately, I don’t want us to be that couple. I’m saving a seat for you but until you get here I’ve learned a trick or two. So sit back and enjoy.” Sitting on the edge of my desk, watching my wife move her body to the music like she could perform at any club in Houston my mouth literary watered. A ripped up tank top and panties, she spun and bounced and dropped and when she sat in the chair and licked her finger and said, “I guess I have to get started without you.” What came next made me stop the video and tell my boss I had to go home right now!

Walking in the door, candles lit everywhere, the curtains closed. Music playing throughout the house; I walked to the guest room having to stop myself from running. Opening the door, seeing the pole, seeing the chair, handcuffs lying on the floor who was this woman because she wasn’t the wife I knew? Walking into the kitchen, seeing her on her tippy toes in that same tank top, in those same panties. Moving her body to the music while she cooked I just watched. She knew I was watching, the closer I got to her the harder she bounced it, shook it. Turning around and looking me in my eyes, “You must have watched the video. This isn’t free just because you’re my husband. Get on your knees and tell her you’re sorry for not waking her up in the morning like she’s used to. Tell her you’re sorry for not taking her to lunch once a week and after you tell her you’re sorry, give her a kiss.”

That half a day turned into us calling in the next day and rediscovering what we loved about each other’s bodies. Letting the nastiness settle in and the comfort level take us to places we’ve never went to. You don’t start looking for someone else when things go left; you fix what’s worth fixing. What’s worth fighting for.