You Don’t Have to Put Her Down to Lift Her Up

182240_562470723185_118401058_31406809_1126638_n I don’t often talk in absolutes but this is the one instance I will. Some of us are really bad at being adults. What does that mean? We don’t know how to be mature and view things from the standpoint of “Everything isn’t about me.”

If you’re the type of man that has to put down the woman you used to claim to love in order to make another woman feel better about herself than the simple truth is you probably aren’t capable of loving the woman you’re putting her down for. Some relationships aren’t going to work. No matter how hard we try or how much we want it; they just don’t happen. That doesn’t mean that the love that existed between the two of you vanished. So telling the world how much he or she sucks or is worthless says more about you than the person you’re trashing.

I’ve seen people that were head over heels in love with someone in December talk about them like a dog in February. I’ve seen people that couldn’t stop letting us know when they were on a plane together or at their favorite restaurant look at that same person in disgust. When breakups first happen, they hurt like hell. There’s resentment, anger, jealously, rage, depression but at some point the sun is going to come out. That’s when you have to decide whether or not you’re going to move on.

Putting down someone us to let another person know how dope they are just isn’t cool and ask yourself one question. Should the foundation that you have with her be based on what you didn’t have with someone else?

Invest In Happiness. Invest In Good Karma. Invest In Yourself

You're important. I know you are!

You’re important. I know you are!

It doesn’t make you a hater or a bad person if someone gets the job you want and you feel like you should have gotten the job. If you went on a date with a woman and she wasn’t feeling you but the next guy she goes on a date with she’s posting about him on Facebook. “It’s great when you meet a man that is who he says he is.” “Had the time of my life tonight.” “When a man smells great you don’t won’t that hug to end.” If you read all that and feel like, “I hope they break up or don’t make it,” that’s okay. All of this is okay because it’s your first reaction. What makes it not okay is if you feel that way tomorrow or the next day. If you delete her page or make salty comments or wish for people’s unhappiness.

I don’t care if you’re a Christian, Atheist, Israeli, Palestinian, an Alien, Buddhist or just someone that has your own set of beliefs and doesn’t exactly know who you are. Karma is a living, breathing part of all of us. Being happy for someone that’s doing well, that’s doing better than you means you’re an adult. We all find happiness at different points in our lives. We all find it for different reasons.

The other day I saw this Instagram post where this really attractive woman posted a picture of a woman that’s not considered as attractive by certain standards. Her caption was, “How does she have a man and I don’t? Look at her.” Of course there were some “lol’s” and “I feel you girl” but they all meant what they were writing. She’s “ugly” so she shouldn’t find love and happiness before me. In what world does that logic make sense? That may actually explain why you’re single. Be happy for people, smile and laugh at the fact that some man saw something in her beyond the physical. Invest in a good spirit and fill that Karma based piggy bank.

I see a couple about to get married, I send my congratulations. I see a teacher decide that her teaching career is over and she wants to pursue other avenues in life; I thank her for her service to our community and wish her the best. A guy I hated in high school has changed, seems to have grown and become a better man. I attribute it to him learning and I want him to be that man for his family. Watching people find happiness is like watching something beautiful.

Life is too short to harbor all that bitterness and jealously. It’s okay to smile and to be kind to people. It’s okay to compliment someone. I’ve never sent a man a social media message about his woman because there’s no point. He knows he has a good one but I’ve ran into guys at places and when they’re significant other came up in conversation, I’ve said, “You have a good one, God looked out for you.” No animosity, no undertones, no shade. Just me letting him know she is a blessing in his life and I hope he realizes it. Being happy for someone and sincere reflects not only you but who you’ll attract.

~ Demez F. White

Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

20140701-070314.jpg Maturity and Honesty Are Worth It

When I was younger I tried to justify lying. The logic was if the truth was going to hurt someone; lying couldn’t hurt them. They would never find out the truth right? I’m not just talking about dating but in a lot of aspects of life.

The truth can be awkward, it can be uncomfortable but the truth is also liberating. Once you take the route of lying to yourself and others, you have to keep lying. Maybe the truth never comes out but most of the time; it will. Maturity means accepting responsibility and dealing with that awkwardness and accepting the consequences.

The truth means the door is always open even if it’s only cracked. Relationships can become fractured, friendships broken but if you’re honest anything’s possible. Maybe you can’t fix it today or tomorrow but overtime the fact that you were honest will mean something. When you lie though, it’s a mirage. A figment of your imagination. You feel like everything is fine but there’s an expiration date on that happiness.

Free yourself from that bondage that comes with lies. Maturity comes with a peace of mind you can’t imagine. If the truth means you’ll lose some friends, a job, a man/ woman then so be it. It’s better than living a lie or lying to get some ass.

~ Demez F. White

I’m A Great Guy But…

Author Demez F. White… I would rather lie to you than disappoint you. I know, I know… The truth is the most important thing in the world and from my own experiences I can tell you that the truth usually comes to light over time. That doesn’t stop me from lying with conviction and sincerity. Does that make me an evil person, I would hope not. I think it just makes me someone that despises seeing the look of disappointment on your face.

I’m a great guy but…. I take things to personal. I will seriously stop talking to you if I feel that you’ve offended me in any way. No matter how big or how small, it could be ignoring a Facebook comment, it could be a text message or phone call in which I took offense to. I over think everything and since I don’t really keep people close to me, losing people doesn’t bother me. Well, let me stop lying, it does bother me. Especially now that I’m older, all the dismissals, the people I ignored or dissed. It’s starting to come back to me, dating is cool, but sometimes you just need a friend and the lack of importance I placed on friends over the years is coming back to hunt me.

I’m a great guy but… I flirt waaaay to much! I was in a relationship for 8 years; it was almost illegal for me to even look at another woman. So, now that I’m single I can’t help but to enjoy the spoils of that. One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to stop once I do find someone. The writing hasn’t helped tame this either.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the love of my life because of my insecurities and because of that I push anyone that gets the least bit close away; I’m compounding one relationship mistake I made with bad decision after bad decision in the way I approach women. I see it happening and in my mind I want to stop it but I just keep repeating it.

I’m a great guy but… I set the bar so high that it’s impossible for anyone to live up to my expectations and if by a miracle they do… I’ll set it even higher because I’m afraid to love anyone on a level that could make me weak.

I’m a great guy but… I listen to entirely too much slow music, too many love songs, too many sad songs… I don’t think I’m heart broken anymore and I’m not in love but what I am is a hopeful romantic, looking for that “Hitch” “27 Dresses” “Love Jones” sort of connection but the thing is, that’s not real life. Romances and relationships aren’t created in 1.5 hours with bad storylines and a lot of chemistry. The situation will never be PERFECT; it’s up to me to start thinking more logical.

I’m a great guy but… I’ve never kissed a woman on the first date! I’ve never had a one night stand or even a one night freak fest and I think this has hurt me. Men should get out and sleep around at a certain point in our lives. There’s a reason why they call it sewing our wild oats because you need to get that out your system. I don’t want to be the 50 year old man creeping around trying to re-live something I never had.

I’m a great guy but… I lost the best friend I ever had because I couldn’t accept the fact that she was getting married. Chatting on Facebook for hours at a time, amazing phone conversations, she loved Politics and helping people. She had her own business and was ambitious and she was my friend. A real FRIEND! And I sabotaged our friendship because I would rather end it SWIFTLY then to watch her fade away from me. I still think about her everyday, I think about her because she represents what’s broken in me. She represents the lies I tell myself when I say all I need is my desire to be successful in life.

I’m a great guy but… I’m nowhere near perfect, as a matter of fact! I’m lost at times, but I know I’m not a stereotype or deadbeat. I don’t have children running around; I don’t live off my family or sleep around. I’m a great guy but I’m growing 🙂

As I Grew Older by Langston Hughes

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Langston Hughes

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Losing Provides Necessary Lessons

20131119-220624.jpgTransparency is a word I don’t often use but it’s a word that describes my writing perfectly. I try my best to be as honest with my words as I can while still trying to keep some things sacred. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend, one that will haunt me and keep me up at nights but it will also make me a better man.

Intentions matter just as much as our actions do. It’s easy to use “I’m single” as an excuse to be selfish but our actions and intentions have to match. If I tell a woman I’m single and I should be allowed to date or do what I want those are intentions. If my actions are courting her and talking to her and making her care about me then those are my actions. No matter what I’ve said I’ve done enough that she’s invested now. So it’s up to me to either go all in or fall back, there can’t be a middle ground.

I’m always writing about respect and accountability. Men need to step up and be men. I don’t want my words to be hollow and in a way they have been. Being honest is easy, people respect honest but just because you’re honest doesn’t mean you’re right. Part of being a man, part of growing up is realizing that options are overrated. There will always be available women, there will always be opportunities to meet a woman that has something the woman you’re with or dating doesn’t. We have to decide is losing someone that matters worth options? On Friday I would have wrote some bullshit answer. On today that answer is no. It’s not worth it.

Lessons aren’t meant to be kind to us. If they were most of us wouldn’t get the full impact. Lessons need to hurt, they need to make us cry and curse and fear. When we’re children our parents popped us on the hand for touching the oven or outlet because they knew it was better to get popped on the hand then to get burned or electrocuted. We’d remember that sting and stay away. Dating, relationships, they work the same way. You screw up, you lose someone special, you get burned. That lesson will stick with you so much longer and teach you so much more because it hurts.

My writing sets a standard so in turn I have to live up to that standard. In 2013 I got better at it but I still fell short, as I write this there will be times where I let people down that care about me. There will be times I hurt people I had no intentions on hurting but what do intentions matter if my actions are what matters.

Demez

10 Things I Wish My Generation Understood

a trini10- It’s okay to have secrets. Everything isn’t meant for social networks or even friends and family. What happens between a man and a woman should stay between a man and a woman. If you’re creeping, cheating, keep that between the two of you; whether it’s right or wrong is between you and God but if you’re going to do wrong do it right.

9- Your reputation matters. This is something our grandparents and even parents understood. It’s not cool being an asshole, it’s not funny making fun of people. Cursing, using the word nigga, bragging about a woman paying for a date or how many women you have. It shows a lack of character.

8- Women should act like women. No matter what society says we respect ladies. In 1776 if a guy slept with a lot of women but was good at his job no one cares, it’s the same way in 2013. In 1776 if a woman slept with a lot of men she was a whore no matter how good she was at her job. It’s the same way in 2013. Women and men are not the same, have tact.

7- Modesty is a valued commodity. We live in a world where the middle class is dying, where people are living pay check to pay check. Bragging online will get you robbed, it will have people jealous and envious and more than that it’s just tacky. You don’t have to talk about how much better your life is then everyone else’s, if it is people will just see it.

6- Just because Twitter and Instagram say you have followers, doesn’t mean you have followers. Huey P. Newton had followers, Bobby Kennedy had followers, President Obama and Ted Cruz have followers. 90% of the people that “follow” us on social networks just like looking at pictures or socializing. What makes you relevant isn’t a status, post or picture. What makes you relevant is “Are you touching or impacting lives with your actions or words?”

5- Women aren’t as tough as they pretend to be. Most women are doing it on their own because they don’t have any other options. She may know how to change a tire or mow the yard or wash her car; she’s trying her best to teach her son how to ride a bike or shoot a basketball but that’s because that man isn’t there. It’s more than that though, we have to watch how we talk to women around children. They’re listening, they’re emulating, they will do what they see us do. No matter how hard she pretends to be it’s hurting her.

4- The best way to deal with a situation is being upfront and honest. Leading people on, ignoring situations, ignoring problems. It just leads to confusion, resentment and lies. If you have a service I want and I can’t afford it, I’m just going to tell you I can’t afford it and I will give you a call when I can. I don’t want a discount but I also don’t want to hold you up. If I’m not interested in you romantically I’m going to tell you I don’t think we’re compatible. It won’t be easy but clarity combined with respectable honesty breeds respect.

3- Failure is underrated. Our ancestors took big risk and they lost big but they also won big. That’s how life works, if we only do what we think we’re good at we’ll never reach our potential. We can’t be a generation that makes all these jumps and leaps from a technological standpoint but is afraid to move out of our mothers home.

2- Reading and Writing make us better.

1- Small talk can be the start of some of the best memories of our lives. I make it a habit when I’m out now not to take out my phone unless it rings. If I see someone sitting at the bar alone I’m going to make conversation. We get so caught up in technology that we forget how cool life was when conversations mattered