Finding Motivation Is Key

I haven’t been writing a lot in 2018 on a personal level because I decided to focus more on the business side of writing. Though that wasn’t the only reason. I also felt like I’d run out of things to say. So often as creatives and writers especially you get your motivation from real life, I look at like a battery. The more you charge it, the more powerful it becomes. For me 2018 was a year of growth and learning. Taking in moments as opposed to sharing them.

I’ve become a father and when I tell you it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt, I’m not even sure that does it justice. Just holding him and looking at him and realizing that he’s a part of me is something that changes who you are as a man. Not just your priorities but I’ve never felt love like I feel love when I look at him.

I thought it would gross me out to change diapers or get spit up on but I find myself excited when he takes a poop because I know it means he isn’t constipated or gassy. When he spits up and looks at me and smiles, it’s because I know he got a good burp in or he ate too much and now he’s relieved. I’ll be driving to work and laugh at something he did and it brings joy to my life. Being a father is amazing and he can’t even play outside yet. I can just imagine what it’ll be like when he’s walking and running.

Having my son and living life has given me stories to write about, stories to focus on. Not just when it comes to my blog but when it comes to novels and scripts. Sitting back and watching, listening, ingesting the world around me.

I once saw this meme that said, “Be careful what you say around me, I’m a writer and anything you say or do may be used in a story.”

I have never related to anything so much in my life. 2018 pushed a button inside of me, a button which reminded me that life isn’t as short or long as we think it is. Life is just life. You live in the moment, you live in the day and before you know it, years have went by. What did you do with those years? What did you create? Who did you help? What did you inspire?

I’m sitting in my office writing this on a Saturday morning and before I know it it’ll be February and before I know it, it’ll be August. 2018 will be my last year viewing the world from the sidelines. I’m tired of playing it safe. I want to take risk and try new things. Write new genres and push myself professionally.

Being unhappy or unmotivated for the sake of it isn’t the move anymore. Make this last month of 2018 count.

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Six Months Ago Today

img_0173It’s been six months since we buried my grandmother and in my mind and heart it feels like it was yesterday. I still live next door and on more days than I can count I come home looking for her to be outside watering the plants or sitting on the porch. I see her so vividly rocking her feet, a hat on her head to shield her from the sun.

The vision usually last a second or two before reality hits me. If I’m being honest, things have not been easy since she’s been gone. With her death a certain peace and tranquility I felt when I found myself getting angry or disappointed is now gone.

There are nights I pray, days I pray, that I can get it back. At times I feel myself slipping from reality and those that love me. I find myself isolated and cold, even in a room full of people. My only outlet, my only relief being my writing.

Are these feelings me just stumbling until I get back to the man I was or are they feelings that will just grow over time and take whatever goodness and sanity I have left? We live in a 15 second world. People will give you a day or two to grieve but that’s all you’re going to get. After that they want you to be normal, to do your job.

Sleep has become a privilege I no longer have access to. At 3:30 this morning I found myself tossing and turning, then I found myself lying on the couch, then I found myself sitting outside. My body weary of drinking, no sleep medication because I have to be at work in a couple hours. So just there, hoping for rain, hoping for sunlight. Hoping for something that would allow me to feel something.

I’m behind schedule. I need to get back to work. Just some random thoughts from a random writer.

The Arrogance of A Man

dwhiteEven the smartest man can be a fool and not even know it.

Living life blind to the resentment, to the needs of those closest to his heart.

The arrogance of believing that Camelot won’t come crashing down.

The arrogance of believing that what was once pure cannot become tainted.

 

The best of intentions become clouded by the worst of judgements.

The most confident decisions become blinded by moments of insecurity and inadequacy gift wrapped in lies and deception.

The most memorable moments become soaked in insincerity.

The love becomes resentment.

 

Her own arrogance, her own ego, tell her what she needs to do. Tell her what she has to do. To not only win but to survive.

None of those are stronger than her heart. For heart betrays her and her resentment doesn’t push away love but embraces love and makes the hurt that much more painful.

“Do you know how many I have turned down?”

“Do you know how they look at me?”

“Do you know what you did to me?”

More questions than an SAT exam and not nearly enough answers.

More doubt than a tied football game in the closing seconds but there can be no winner.

 

Looking into her eyes, her tears tearing a hole in his soul, her anguish ripping at the fabric of his manhood.

Wanting to fix it all in one night, wanting to heal it all in one moment.

Needing to turn back the hands of time and give her the time she’d been cheated of. Give her the opportunities taken away from her like a thief in the night.

Wanting her to hate him so that she wouldn’t seem so perfect, even in her pain.

 

The arrogance of a man goes against forgiveness.

The love of a woman embraces it.

Knowing that a man could touch her or inhale her after him cuts like a sword through flesh and bone and hurts just as much.

Knowing that her love was no longer guaranteed.

His arrogance died.

You Can’t Appreciate What You Have If You Can’t Let Go of What You Had

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Author Demez F. White

Memories are incredibly dope. You can be sitting at work watching a screen and a memory can flash before your eyes like a bolt of lightning. You didn’t ask for the memory, weren’t thinking about the memory but low and behold it happened. A brief moment in an otherwise uneventful day. You look up from your desk and ask yourself the question, “Where the hell did that come from?”

And just as soon as it was there, it’s now gone. After lunch and a phone call you don’t even think about it anymore. We’re all human and we all have thoughts we can’t control. Thoughts that could mean everything and thoughts that could mean nothing. That’s really up to you, it’s up to any of us what we give our time, effort and energy to.

This is the thing though, if you stay in the past, stay living in memories. It’s impossible to appreciate your present. Not fully. Not whole heartedly. How can you when stories and moments of times gone by are still playing like trailers on a movie screen in your head.

This week I made the decision to sell something that was a huge part of my past. I found myself holding on to it because it belonged to people that were very special to me. I’ve started a business, I need capital. I could hold on to something that gives me a good memory every now and again or I can let it go and use it to build on my present and future. Go into debt or make new memories with my old memories as a foundation. It’s an easy choice.

We can use a million different excuses as to why we want to live in the past but the simple truth is it’s an easy choice to make or not make. When you see someone making the decision to walk through old doors, to give time and attention to old memories. You have a choice to make. You talk to them and let them know or you give them room to embrace those old memories.

A Person You Used to Know

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Have you ever been trying to find an email or some information so you’re looking through old messages and you come across someone you used to talk to everyday? When you think back to that moment in your life you would have thought it was unimaginable that you’d never talk to that person again. But it happened. Now they’re just a part of your history, memories that will fade as you get older and someone new has taken their spot.

One day you’re sitting at work wondering what you can do for her to make her smile. One day you’re worried because her stomach won’t stop hurting or she has these headaches that won’t go away. So you read somewhere that taking too much Tylenol is dangerous so you’re googling green tea recipes’ and different ways for her to get better. You go from all this to nothing, not even a text on a birthday or a card when you find out someone important to her has died.

In those moments right after it happens you’re sick, sick that you ever met her, sick that you ever loved her, sick that you still want her. In those moments you literally can’t imagine life without her but guess what happens? Time happens.

A week turns into a month. A month turns into several months, a year turns into making different memories. Instead of planning a wedding you’re planning a trip alone. Instead of game night you’re at a sports bar talking to strangers like you’re bestfriends.

Caring about someone more than you care about anyone on this earth and in the blink of an eye you aren’t even on speaking terms. That’s going to leave a bruise but bruises heal. It’s going to hurt, you’ll want answers some nights, some nights you’ll want to hold them, some nights you’ll want to fight them and then one night you’ll stop dreaming about what could have been. Part of being human is having feelings. It’s not just feeling and tasting the beauty but also the hurt.

Maybe it’s right person, wrong time.

Maybe it’s right time, wrong person.

Maybe you just messed up.

Either way, life goes on.

Who Do You Run To?

Life is defined by moments. dwhite

In-between going to work and making up the bed and brushing our teeth there are moments that shape us. Moments that make us who we are and stay with us. When you’re having a bad day, when you’re having a good day, when you just need to talk to someone. Who is it that you run to?

For some it’s their best friend, for some it’s their mother or sister. For most people in a relationship it’s going to be their significant other. That moment you get good news, he or she is the first person that pops in your mind. He or she is the only person you want to share that news with.

If they aren’t, they should be. It’s not just good news though, when your heart is broken and you need someone to help you put it back together, that man or woman you say you’re in love with; that should be the person you go to first. The person you talk to. If it’s not, then they don’t need to be in your life.

Accepting truths aren’t always easy because feelings get involved, comfort levels get involved. But if you’re more comfortable texting a friend or a random guy on twitter than you are the person you’re with; you just aren’t with the right person. Sometimes we get so caught up in who someone is that we don’t stop and think about how that person makes us feel.

One Year Later; I Still Suck At Being A Boyfriend

Bell and I I’m not sure if I’ll be a good husband, I’m not even sure I will be a good father. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m a great man but I know for a fact I’m not a great boyfriend. I can be cold when I need to be caring, I can be quiet when I need to talk. I can be loud when I should be listening. I could go on forever but you get it.

Through all of that this woman has put up with it. Put up with it is the wrong word, she’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend but she loves me regardless.
Let me say that again. She’s accepted that I suck at being a boyfriend and she loves me regardless.

There were a lot of post yesterday about love and relationships. Engagements and admiration. This is my truth. I have never argued as much with anyone about anything than I have argued with this woman this past year. I have never had so many memorable moments and so many moments that I wanted to take back. We haven’t lived a fairytale where I’ve been Prince Charming but most importantly; we haven’t given up on each other because we see the value in each other.

We’ve walked hand in hand on foreign beaches watching the sun rise and we’ve driven 45 minutes not speaking to each other for some of the pettiest reasons you can imagine. There’s been private ballrooms at Perry’s and then there was nights were there were gourmet hot dogs with sliced bread and those wieners that have 23 different types of meats in them. Happiness isn’t perfect moments and perfect chemistry because life can never be those things all the time. Happiness is knowing that a Walking Dead Marathon and cheap wine are just as special as the best steak in the world because it’s about the time spent more than anything.
Yesterday marked one year of me being a horrible boyfriend.

And you want to know something, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world! You can have your perfect love stories with your perfect scripts and I’ll take chaos, passion, hope, talent and endurance.

She’s an incredibly dope woman that will do incredibly dope things and I’m just happy I have a front row seat for it.