Having Daughter’s Isn’t God Punishing You For Being A Womanizer; It’s Just Your Guilty Conscience

father and daughterYesterday was Mother’s Day and I spent it at my cousin’s house with family. As we were outside talking about life and kids and responsibility we started to talk about children. And how it was a consensus among all the men that having daughters was somewhat terrifying. Not because little girls are worse than boys or grow up to be angry women but because of our guilty consciences.

For all of my life, even before I started dating I knew there were double standards for boys and girls. Men are often times praised for having multiple conquest and women are shamed for it. A guy can be a whore is entire life and if he changes to be faithful to one woman and love her right; the whole world applauds him. On the other hand, if a woman is a whore, that stigma never leaves. That’s an entirely different conversation but just as example.

I’m not sure when this became a thing but it’s probably been around for centuries. Somewhere along the way men got it in their heads that God or fate was cursing them by giving them daughters. Especially if that man was a womanizer. You want to know something funny and sad at the same time? Watch a grown man project all of his guilt and sins and tortured conscience onto an innocent child. Not because she’s doing anything wrong but because in her he sees every woman he ever lied to, cheated on, misused or abused. In her he sees fear, the fear that he’ll have to dry her tears because a man breaks her heart.

As much as we want to believe that having a daughter is karma for the bad you’ve inflected on others; a much easier thought to believe is that maybe there’s no secret revenge plot by God and fate but it was just the sperm that made it first. Maybe instead of projecting your insecurities onto your daughter, you could give her confidence and not let the double standards and misogyny that you were raised with live in how you raise her. Maybe you raise a daughter strong enough not to ever let a man disrespect her like you disrespected women. All of that takes looking inside of yourself.

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A Love Letter to My Mother

My Mother and I

My Mother and I

Dear Mother,

Last week I was texting a woman I’d met and she asked me if I’d ever written any love letters. I told her of course, I’ve written several, a lot more than several, considering I’m a writer and romance is something I take pride in. Her next question caught me by surprise. She asked, “Have you ever written a love letter to your mom?” I put my phone down and laughed because the question seemed weird. “A love letter to my mom?” However, when I really thought about it, I realized nothing in the world makes more sense.

You were the first woman I really loved before I even knew what love was. There’s no bond like the bond between a mother and child. When you really think about it, I was in your stomach, I grew from something the size of a pea to who I am today because you nurtured me. What you ate I ate, what you read, I read, what you listened to, I listened to.

Our relationship hasn’t been what a lot of son’s relationship is with their mother but don’t think I don’t love you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I remember when I was in the 9th grade on the bus school and you called the 97.9 to brag on me. I remember you were 8 months pregnant walking around the campus of Sam Houston when I first went to college. I had no people skills and you and my aunt found me a roommate.

The very first job I had was an internship at your company and I was horrible. I almost caught a sexual harassment charge though that girl wasn’t even cute and was sort of evil, I scanned the wrong documents, I came to work late. With all that you covered for me.

I know I can be cold at times, standoffish, but I need you to understand that’s not a reflection of you. I think you’re an amazing woman and an amazing mother. That’s just something inside of me. Something I have to fix and deal with on my own. My little sisters look up to you. I look up to you.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be affectionate or call everyday but I will always be there for you because you are my mother and I do love you unconditionally. The way a son loves a mother. So now the next time I talk to a woman and she asks me if I’ve ever written a love letter to my mother, I can tell her.

Of course. I wrote one my Mother’s Day.

Love Forever and Always,

Your Son Demez

She’s Smiling Down on You From Heaven

20140422-013941.jpgDear Son or Daughter,

I know today can’t be easy for you. Whether you lost your mother when you were six or sixty, whether it was cancer or a car accident. Today can’t be easy because I know you never forget her calming words when you were sick or her smile when you were sad.

Today can’t be easy for you because today everyone around you is celebrating their mother and it makes you remember yours. The conversations after school when she answered a question or solved a problem that you didn’t think could be solved. That time when she got a t-shirt or pair of shoes you didn’t think she would. That Christmas where you couldn’t wait to go outside and show your friends what you got.

It was never about the Christmas gifts or food at Thanksgiving or clothes on the first day of school. It was about watching her cook and sing, cook and talk on the phone, cook and ask you to taste this or taste that. The older you get the more you appreciate how happy she was to see you happy. The older you get, the more you remember what she taught you.

I know you see a picture of her and cry sometimes, not wanting to question God but doing it anyway. Wondering why you couldn’t just get one more day, one more hour, one more minute with her. Another hug, another conversation, a phone call just to tell her about your day because no one could understand like she could.

Our mothers are our Guardian Angels, they carried us for nine months and sheltered us, sacrificed for us, went without for us. Just because she’s not here doesn’t mean she still isn’t doing that. When you have those moments where you feel like no one understands, it’s her that’s the voice in your head, in your heart. When you have heartbreak, when that person that should have been there for you during the bad times falls short; it’s her whispering, “You deserve better.” The moments she shared with you, no matter how brief they may seem now made you the person you are.

The love you have in your soul for your mother can never be filled, it will never be replaced but understand it doesn’t have to. Let that love make you great, let that love flow to your children, your husband or wife, your passions and ambitions. She still watched over you, I swear.

Your mother is proud of you and so am I. Stay strong and if you need to talk I’m here.

Sincerely Yours,

Demez

Dear You…

379994_610579043725_118401058_31642843_1262844695_nDear You,

Yesterday was Mothers Day and I couldn’t help but be reminded of what life will be like once you’re the mother of my children. I was in Crave buying some Mothers Day cupcakes and I saw this woman in line, she had on a grey dress, her hair was sort of auburn and long. Heels, she was pretty. I almost went and talked to her but I didn’t want to lose my space in line or embarrass her so I didn’t. Once she left I wondered if you were her.

After that I went to Victoria’s Secret in Rice Village, I passed by this store next to Express, the name escapes me and I saw this beautiful woman working in there. I thought maybe that was you but I had no reason to go inside.

You get the gist of what I’m saying, I made maybe four or five stops today and with each stop I saw someone that caught my eye but at each stop I told myself the same thing. “Do you really want to be the man that hits on every pretty woman you see?”

The thing is I don’t want to be that guy, not if I can help it.

Today a friend told me that a lot of men talk about wanting to be in a relationship but she really believes that I want to be in one. Sometimes I ask myself that question. Do I want it as bad as I say I do or am I just talking, just hoping and dreaming?

Anyway, Happy Future Mothers Day if you read this. Don’t go out having any children or anymore or getting married. I don’t think I have it in me to talk to a married woman.

Sincerely Yours,

Demez