Forever Isn’t Long Enough

flowers Sitting at my desk listening to Teddy Pendergrass, drinking this last bit of rum and juice seeing my forever in front of me I can’t help but to smile. I’ve sort of gotten away from writing about love and marriage and being lonely. I’ve made an effort not to write about how much I’m looking forward to seeing you walk down the aisle.

I’ve stopped writing about how I’ve thought about everything from how I’ll propose to you to where we’ll make love for the first time as husband and wife. In the limo after the ceremony. In the hotel room on the floor. Will your dress be too fluffy for me to bring you to ecstasy while you have it on? Will it be different, will it feel different? I started pretending like my novel isn’t about marriage and commitment. I stopped being me because I was worrying about what people would think. Is he lonely, is he sad, did someone break his heart? I couldn’t be that guy you see, I didn’t want to be perceived like that. Why not though? What’s the matter with being the guy that wants a wife? What’s the matter with being the man that looks forward to watching you stress about flowers and bridesmaids and who’s going to move in with who?

Stairway to Heaven is playing as I’m typing and I can’t stop smiling, I can’t stop bouncing my leg and bobbing my head to the music. Maybe I’m drunk, I don’t think so, but maybe. I can see you standing in front of my desk, slow dancing, smiling, twirling and almost falling. I can see the happiness in your eyes, I can see your bare feet on the hardwood floors. “Put your hand in mine and come on this stairway to Heaven with me.” There’s no question mark because I’m not asking, I’m telling.

My entire life I’ve felt alone. Never really had a bestfriend, I didn’t get to know my brother until I was in my 20’s. My family is the coolest and most supportive people you’ll ever meet but even with them I’ve just always had a spot inside of me they couldn’t get to. A spot that I’ve always known is reserved for you, a spot that’s reserved for our love. My family is my family and that will never change! But my forever, my life, my heart, my bestfriend and lover and secret barer will be you. I’m 30 and I’ve never been completely honest with anyone in my life.

I can’t wait to sit up on nights when we can’t sleep and just talk. That’s all really. You’ll think I’m crazy but do you know I’ve never just sat up and talked with a woman all night. No sex, no falling asleep with her head on my lap. I’d like that, I want that. To just talk about old movies, old loves, our parents. I feel like I’m an orphan at times, not physically but mentally. A father that sees me and doesn’t know who I am, literally doesn’t know who I am because he’s so drunk. A mother that wasn’t ready to be a mom when she had me. I want to rub your stomach and tell you about how that made me fell. I need to listen to you talk about when you were at your lowest point so that I can never take you to that place. So that I can protect you and hate who you hate, love who you love, appreciate who protected you before me.

Forever isn’t long enough because I’ve already spent 30 years without you. You understand that right? I need you to understand that babe. I need you to get that I wouldn’t be ashamed to cry if I met you and lost you. I wouldn’t be afraid to show up and tell you that I waited for you so long that I can’t imagine life without you. That shit scares the hell out of me! Knowing that when that moment comes my life won’t be my life anymore. It excites me but scares me at the same damn time! I’m ready to be in love, to really be in “you love me like I love you love.”

It’s 1am, who’s up reading at 1am? Maybe you are, hopefully you are. Maybe you aren’t but who cares right. I’m speaking it into existence. People like my writing, people really read it and enjoy it, I take pride in that. I want you to be proud of me, I want you to motivate and inspire me. I want your naked body to be my muse. I need your skin to be my canvas, I need my tongue to be a paint brush. I like giving oral, I haven’t written that before, not as me. But I really like knowing the woman I’m with is pleased. I haven’t done it in awhile, do you know why? I realized I don’t want to be the guy that’s fucking and licking on someone that isn’t you. It’s you I want on the tip of my tongue, it’s you I want naked sitting on my desk when you’re horny. I want to put a son into you!

I’ll chill now before I say too much, before too much of who I am comes out in these words.

I Love You Until Forever Isn’t Forever…

Writers Block…

“What’s the matter with you? You were sitting at this computer when I left for work this morning, you were sitting here when I got home and you were sitting here when I left for my jog. All you have is ten pages? Let me read them?”

Her shirt was soaked and her sweats were hugging her hips and sweaty too but I got up anyway and let her sit down. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been sitting here until she brought it to my attention, my stomach reminded me.

“Are you going to stand over me while I read, go get something to eat. I hear your stomach growling. As a matter of fact, you need to get out this house before you drive yourself crazy. I’ll order from that Thai place down the street, take a drive. Get a bottle of wine, clear you head.”

She was always talking a mile a minute after she came back from jogging but she was right. Writers block wasn’t something I was used to and it came up on me with a vengeance. For whatever reason the first chapters were always the hardest for me, after I got past them it would flow like the Nile.

“Alright, I’ll be back, you want anything else?” She stood up and kissed me, sweaty and all.

“Yes… I want you to cheer up!” She shook my arms and kissed me again.

Running my errands all I could think is, ‘What if it’s gone?’ My mind was my greatest gift, my creativity, my ability to tell a story on the drop of a dime. And whenever I would struggle to get those first couple of chapters down that doubt would start to creep in.

Before she came alone I never shared that doubt with anyone. It was easy to be confident, arrogant, that’s what people like to see. Before she came alone I never let anyone read what I wrote before it was a finished product. Little did I know while I was in the shower or sleeping she would be up reading and critiquing.

It was annoying as hell at first but she wouldn’t back down. “You need a woman’s point of view and I’m going to give you that. Just listen and if people don’t like it. You can always ignore me.” She smiled and I agreed only to shut her up. But when people read the new product they loved it and I loved her.

Coming up the elevator with the food in one hand, the wine in the other my stomach was really growling now. “How long had it been since I’ve eaten?” I asked myself. When I walked thru the door I could see she’d printed out the ten pages and had them spread on the couch with that red pen of hers in her mouth.

No matter how many times I saw it I couldn’t help but laugh at that red pen. Wearing a black Conversations Between Adults t-shirt and her hair in a ponytail she was sitting Indian Style with Adele on in the background.

“What are you laughing about?” I didn’t know how I felt about her laughing, I wasn’t exactly writing a comedy.

“I’m laughing at your female characters. They all sound exactly alike, they all sound like me. I’m flattered but baby, you have to diversify them.” I took out some plates and wine glasses and tried to remember if they sounded like her.

“They don’t all sound like you…”

“Really, they don’t? You change the hair color and try and switch up their appeal but it’s the details you attach to all of them. The music they like, the way they sit or walk, it’s all here and it’s flattering babe but you have to switch it up. Think about old girlfriends or actresses.” She sat the sheets on the table and walked behind me, swiping an egg roll.

“I know you’re crazy about me, after your last couple of dedications the whole world knows.” She bit the back of my neck.

“But you’re writing block comes from you lacking the proper motivation. Go sit at your desk in front of your computer.” It was a loft so it was basically one big open space with the bedroom upstairs.

“We’re going to roll play tonight, as of this moment you’ve never touched, licked or even seen this before. So be your creative self and let me help you get past this hump! But before that, pass me that bottle of wine… ”

Role Play…

“Let me see it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive!”

I could see the look in her eyes, her mouth was damn near watering. I knew she was drunk and probably not in her right frame of mind but I was horny so all of my gentlemanly traits were out the window.

“You do know that once it comes out it just may change your life right?”

“I know that you’re doing a lot of talking right now instead of showing me what’s up!”

I took a step back and started to pull my shirt out my pants, I unbuttoned a couple to get comfortable. She was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, all her clothes on, her right hand inside her skirt.

“Don’t be scared, I won’t bite.”

Watching her hand move inside her t-shirt was like having someone jack me off at 3am. I pulled it out and she gasped, I smiled. I held it in my hand casually, comfortably.

“Is it what you expected?”

She opened her legs wider, her panties came off and she hit me in the face with them. I sniffed them and put them in my pocket without missing a beat with my motion.

“It’s…. “better” than what I expected. But just because you have the tools doesn’t mean you know how to use them!”

She stood up and walked towards me, her heels tapping on the hardwood floors. I could see her juices on her fingers, she put them to my mouth. I licked them, she moved my hand and took control of my dick.

“It’s nice, thick, pretty.”

I closed my eyes, she kissed my neck and started to rub harder! Faster! I gripped her neck.

“Kiss it! Kiss it!”

“You would like that wouldn’t you, you seem to be enjoying this.” Her hand felt amazing, I didn’t want to cum like this, I had no idea how much longer I could hold out.

My thighs were tight, my legs were shaking, I was biting my bottom lip. She was working my stick like it was a Mrs. Pac Man game. I was losing control, I was pass losing control!

“I don’t want to cum like this! I want to cum in you!”

“Say please….”


She stopped jacking me off but didn’t let go of it, she pulled me to the couch and pushed me down. She sat on top of me, all her clothes up minus panties and I felt Heaven in-between those legs.

“You said you want to cum in me, so cum!”

Her riding and motion was something any jockey would be proud of, the squishy sound has me gripping her ass, her hands were around my neck.

“I’m cumming girl! I’m cumming! I think I’m ready to write!”

“I bet you are but we’re not thru just yet…”