Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

FB-Ring.jpgIt’s in poor taste to ask a woman her age.

It’s sort of not cool to ask a married couple when they’re going to have children.

Why do we really care when someone is going to move out of their parents’ home?

I can list a dozen different questions in a dozen different areas of life that aren’t probably the coolest questions to ask but people ask them anyway. Let’s add one more to the list.

“When are you going to get married?”

There are several reasons why people ask.

  1. They can be family and friends that are generally interested in your happiness and they want chubby babies to hold and put on Facebook and Instagram.
  2. They can be friends that think he/she is wasting your time and they’re asking you the question so that you can see he/she is wasting your time.
  3. Their relationship sucks and they are married or aren’t married but either way they see in you two what they want so it makes them want it for you.
  4. People are just nosy.
  5. If you’re too impressive in life it intimidates people. They start to look for reasons to pick you apart. If they can’t do it on a singular level they’ll do it on a relationship level.

 

I’m not naïve to the fact that friends have conversations. That guys talk at work or in the barbershop and girls talk in group text and over drinks. I’m not blind to any of this at all, so I know the question will get asked, especially when you’ve been dating someone for a while. What I don’t get is when it comes from complete strangers or people you aren’t cool with.

My mom wants to ask me why we haven’t gotten married, it’s my mom. Her aunt or best friend wants to ask me, those are people that love me. A random co-worker that sees a picture or reads a blog wants to ask me? Who sent you? I’m not cool enough to insert meme’s into my writing but if I was I’d insert one here.

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This may sound cliché but there’s no right or wrong way to do marriage or love. I’m sure you’ll read a hundred different experts tell you they have the answers. Most of those experts have been divorced three times and probably don’t slap their wife on the ass when she’s leaving the house. Some people get married in 3 months and they thrive and some get married in 3 years, either way it’s their decision. I get it, believe me I do, we let people in our lives via Social Media and they care. I know it’s become cool to “give no f*cks” and to say, “I’m not on social media like that,” but if you have a smart phone and have to deal with Houston traffic, you probably are on social media like that.

The next time someone that doesn’t know my middle name or wouldn’t call me if they hadn’t or from me in a month asks me, “When are you going to get married?” I’m going to start to ask some questions back. “When are you going to stop commenting on pictures of women that look nothing like your wife?” “When are you going to tell your kids to stop asking to play with my phone? My games are for me, not them.” “When are you going to respect your marriage?” Nothing to shady but just enough so they understand that it’s not okay.

The Cowboys lost last night and the Texans won so that’s always good too.

Saying Goodbye… For Now

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Dear Mama,

I saw you for the last time today on this side. I know that wasn’t you in that coffin, not really, but today I said goodbye to you and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Before the viewing, before the funeral, I was there as soon as the church doors opened. I just needed to talk to you, to see you before everyone else. I needed to be strong for our family and the only way to do that was to get my tears out of the way early.

Tears don’t make you weak, you taught me that.

What makes you weak is not knowing when it’s okay to cry and holding that in. What makes you weak is not putting your faith and strength in God to get you through the tough times. You would have been so proud of us, so proud of the family. We stuck together, stayed with each other most of the day. I even drove half way around the world to be with Kelecia and Alexis tonight. We haven’t hung out like that as adults in forever. I’m not sure we have to be honest with you. It felt good, it felt right.

I find myself coming home looking at the house next door, wondering if you’re looking out the window and then it hits me like a mountain falling on an ant that you’re not there anymore. You knew when I was sad without me having to say a word. You knew when I was broke without me having to say a word. You knew when I needed a hug or just needed a friend.

Everyone probably feels like they have the best grandmother in the world and you can add me to that list. I don’t know if I’m a good man, I believe I am but even when I wasn’t, it was you that held me down and made me understand what I could be.

You’ll never see my children play in the yard or dance at my wedding. You’ll never see me walk across the stage and get that degree. You’ll never… Actually, I’m wrong. You’ll always be watching, always be my guardian Angel. I have so many words, so many stories but in the end, only three word stories matter most. I miss you. I love you. I’ll look out for everyone.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Love Always and Forever,

Mez

I Need To Vent

This has been a bad week and I need to vent. There isn’t really anyone to call and I believe I’m past that venting on FB or Twitter stage so what’s the point in having a blog if I can’t come here and give my thoughts a voice. So here I go.

It all started on Friday when I asked a friend to lunch, to be honest it was someone that’s more than a friend. Not in an intimate sense but just someone I’d come to care about, feel close to. She told me she was sick and couldn’t make it, I understood but maybe she didn’t like my tone. I haven’t spoken to her sense, I’ve called, I’ve sent text. Either she’s fallen off the face of the earth or simply decided she wants nothing to do with me.

I have literally spent the entire year of 2013 working and intentionally trying not to build relationships or friendships. I can’t do it anymore, people just let me down and I know why. I set this standard, I answer every call, I answer every text, I’m always there and when I’m not they can’t handle it. I know what about myself, I know I get attached to people easily so I try not to get attached.

Talking to her everyday about work, life, religion, the future. You forget how much you miss having someone to share those things with. There was never anything physical but it was just the feeling of knowing someone cared about my day. That’s over now, that was the start of the bad week.

Second… We’re at a grade level meltdown at my job, what should have been a seven thousand dollar simple mistake has now turned into a forty nine thousand dollar mistake. It wasn’t my fault, literally I was just following orders but my name is all over this screw up and it’s stressing me the hell out. I almost asked one of these guys for a cigarette.

I’m not the place blame or point fingers type, even though it wasn’t my fault I was still accountable. I understand that and I will accept that but that doesn’t mean it isn’t bothering me. I grew up in a place where you didn’t snitch and corporate America just isn’t like that. These guys will sell out their own mothers if it means the blame doesn’t get placed on them. How can you live like that?

Compounding this problem is the fact that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Someone will read this and think that means call me or what about me but it’s not that simple. There’s always someone to talk to but that person that you feel gets it and you feel comfortable with. That’s not easy.

Third… My grandfather, he isn’t getting better and that scares the hell out of me. I get I have to be strong for my family, strong for myself but I’m afraid he’s going to die. Every time I get a phone call at 4am I take a deep breath before answering. Last Monday he had to be rushed to the hospital and my heart was in my stomach. I can’t even see him, I go up there to take my grandmother and I’m in the room but I’m not really looking at him. This man was so strong, so dependable and now it’s almost like he’s a child. I know it’s age, the cycle of life but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I miss kissing.

That’s my venting for today. Thanks for reading.
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Fatherless Sons…

imagesCALO9ZIKI often wonder if I would be a better man had I had my father in my life. Would I be more evenly keeled emotionally and spiritually? Would I be able to hug my grandfather when I see him in the hospital? No matter what substitute a mother can come up with, no matter how many aunts and uncles and stepfathers… There’s really no equal to the love and admiration a son wants to have for his father. The man you share DNA with, the man that helped create you regardless of the situation.

You know what terrifies me? As much as I try to be the exact opposite of him, I see so much of him in myself. How do you rectify that? How do I fight what’s in my blood, what’s in my genetic makeup? How do I stop drinking or stop pushing people away when they get too close? Do you know how many hearts I probably broke in 2012? How many women were disappointed because I wasn’t there enough or didn’t call back after a date?

The easiest thing in the world to me is making a woman smile and putting words together. There are times where I feel like that’s what God put on this earth for but there’s a catch to that. When you’re given great talents often times they come with great responsibilities. I write about sex and emotion and passion. There are times when I feel like I should be writing about injustice and freedom and love. You know how cool it would be to pick up the phone and ask my father what he thinks I should do? To tell him I met a woman and I really like her but I fucked up. To tell him that my grandfather is sick and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Boys become men and men still have questions…

What if I have a son and I’m like him? What if I become what I hate? You know how many nights I sit up at night and think about that? How many women I’ve discarded because I felt like their lives would be better with men that could give them their all.

I’d never kill myself, I love life too much. But there are moments when I go way to hard for way too long knowing that I might not make it. I’m smiling as I think about those moments because who else was it but God that saved me from myself?

In the barbershop the other day my brother told me that my father wanted my phone number. He didn’t give it to him because he knows me, he knows that I’m not a very forgiving person, I’m sort of heartless at times. Other men our age were listening to our conversation talking about how they forgave their fathers for not being there. They talked about being the bigger man and forgiving them because maybe our fathers didn’t know how to be men. How to raise sons… I listened to them, to the sincerity in their voices and you know what I thought? I thought they were weak for forgiving. I thought our fathers don’t deserve redemption. And as I sit here alone and on the verge of being drunk for the night… Maybe I’m the one that they should pity. Because a man that can’t forgive is a man that will never be capable of loving.

Men Cry In the Dark…

228263_581014860585_118401058_31484293_5420516_nWhen you’re a man you have to wait until the doors are locked and the lights are off and your emotions and feelings don’t affect those around you.

For as long as I could remember my grandfather has been one of the strongest men I’ve known. He’s been the rock of not just my family but for so many people and to see him in such a vulnerable state breaks my heart.

I watched my grandmother cry tonight for maybe the second time in my life. She sat with her head in my lap and cried really hard because we found out some bad news about my grandfather. It took everything in me not to cry with her, not to break down with her. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t because I have to be strong for my family.

 

It breaks my heart because I know how prideful he is, I know how much he loves being outside and working on cars and lawnmowers and generators. And now it will be a struggle for him to do those things and I’m afraid. I can’t admit this to my family, there’s no friends or woman to admit it to…

But I’m afraid that he’s going to give up, that this is going to break him and I know I can handle it. I know I’ll be alright if God calls him home but what I also know is that my family isn’t ready. My grandmother loves that man on a level that I don’t think a woman will ever love me. My mother and aunts have been protected by him their entire lives.

My ex girlfriend told me awhile back that I didn’t do bad well, she told me that people didn’t like telling me bad news because I became withdrawn and distant. I thought about that these past couple of weeks when I’ve been anything but distant.

It’s not when I’m around people that I worry about myself, it’s times like this when all I have is my writing and my words and the thoughts and fears start to taunt me and sleep becomes harder and harder without a pill or bottle of something.

In six hours my grandfather has surgery and in six hours I’ll have to put back on this mask. I’ll have to be the strong one and the one that makes them laugh and smile and be encouraged that everything will be alright. But tonight, right now… I don’t have to wear that mask.

Right now all I want to do is lie on her lap and feel the warmth of someone that knows the pain I’m feeling. Right now I just want to take a hot shower and lose myself in the steam. Right now I just want to fuck away my frustrations. Those aren’t options so I’ll listen to this music and drink this drink and watch this Christmas tree.

Pray for my family and good night.