My Only Sin Was Loving You Too Much

IMG_0629Sleep felt foreign at the moment, laying down, closing his eyes, it just wouldn’t come. Getting out of bed as not to disturb her he walked out the bedroom and lied on the couch. Not knowing how long his eyes had been closed he could hear her in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge. Running water in the sink, letting water out of the sink. His temper and stress had her walking on egg shells and her trust issues and the intensity of her love had him not knowing how to approach her at times. Not knowing how to explain to her that her doubts and fears were unwarranted.

His phone sitting on the kitchen table, he made no effort to go get it. If she was going to look through it, she was going to look through it. It’s the nature of women he thought to himself, curiosity killed the cat.

When she walked in the living room and put the TV on mute he knew tonight wouldn’t just be another sleepless night but another night without peace. He knew what the look meant before any words came out of her mouth. The look of fear mixed with anger, passion mixed with uncertainty.

“I know you want me to forget about it, to get over it but I still have questions. Why is it okay for you to just dismiss what’s important to me? What did the message say? Are you going on dates? Are there other women? I saw you looking up restaurants online, you took off work. Is there someone else Ron?”

The more she talked, the more he tried to put himself in her shoes but the more he tried to understand her, the more he just couldn’t. Though he loved women, though he never made it a secret about his past relationships he’d changed for her. Gone were the late night text and phone calls. Gone were the happy hours and friends that couldn’t except he wasn’t the man he used to be. Every one around him saw it, so why couldn’t she see it?

Why were tears of pain falling from her eyes at 3:00am instead of tears of pleasure? He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it was going to be alright but his pride ran deep. His love for her was unquestionable so why couldn’t her faith in him be unwavering?

Before he knew it the glass in his hand shattered against the living room door!

“Why don’t you ever just shut up?! You have to pick a fight every night because of your got damn insecurities?!”

Turning his back and walking towards the kitchen he could hear her footsteps behind him. Standing in a pair of panties and holding her wine glass she pushed him in the back and as soon as he turned around he felt the wine hit his face!

“You don’t talk to me like that! I’m not afraid of you and you will not disrespect me!” His hand was around her neck before she finished her sentence. Letting her go, she gasped for air as he backed up.

Wiping the wine out his eyes with his shirt he wasn’t fast enough as the glass she was holding connected with his mouth. The taste of blood on his tongue and the immediate swelling on the tips of his fingers. Their fights had always been bad but the pint up hostility, aggression, resentment. It boiled over to a place it had never been to before. The aggression a substitute for desire. Rage a substitute for words that needed to be spoken.

Seeing his mouth bleeding she could muster no compassion, not for the man that had taken everything from her that made her, her. Her love for him was in direct conflict with the independence and control she had in her own life. The deeper he penetrated her heart, the more she felt helpless in just how much control he had over her mind, body and soul.

As they kissed he bit her lip and looking into his eyes she licked the blood off his mouth. As their tongues intertwined she ripped open his shirt and he pinned her against the wall. Hunger being replaced by hate; the intensity of him needing to be inside of her being replaced by the urge to grab his keys and never see her again.
Her legs wrapped around his waist, her hands in his hair, her eyes glazed over.

“I love you sooo much. I need you sooo much! If you’re going to leave me, do it now because I won’t be okay if you drag this out knowing it’s not what you want.”

He didn’t know why he was crying. Part of him wanted to believe it was because she felt like Heaven in his arms but a part of him knew it was because the intensity of their love scared him just as much as it scared her.

Love this deeply rarely works because the fire tends to consume everyone.

4 Reasons Why Loving One Woman Is Cooler Than Chasing A Hundred Women

  It’s always been important to me that I be the man I write about. Let’s just be honest, we live in an age where most men aren’t what they “post to be.” It’s easy to hop online and tell everyone what you’d do if you had a wife or girlfriend but what’s not easy is actually being that man. Sacrificing, putting aside pride and just humbling yourself in the name of love and commitment. 

One- Being romantic and talking about your woman or relationship doesn’t make you weak; it makes you an adult. I’m not saying post a dozen selfies a week of your mate or constantly talk about them but I’m saying it’s okay to let the world know how special someone is to you. So many men feel like they’re losing when they commit. Losing female options, freedom, etc but we tend to forget treating a woman right, being the man she adore because you’re sincere means you’re winning. 

Two- I’m vulnerable at times. Wait a minute. I said that too low, I’M VULNERABLE AT TIMES! You hear me now? It’s okay to say that you need someone to talk to. That you need that person to see you at your worst and not judge you. There’s nothing cool about being in a dark place and not having one woman to call because you’ve treated them all like options. Why should or would a woman give you her all when you’re constantly making it clear she’s just not that important? Does that make sense?

Three- Life is not a movie. There are no James Bonds in real life. If there were he’d be in dialysis from drinking too much or probably have HIV from sleeping around. For as much as music and memes tell us that women love being side chicks and aren’t loyal… That’s sort of bullsh**. Women are quite loyal and hate guys that cheat. So if you want your stock to go up, if you want women to admire you. Be faithful. Don’t text at 3am, don’t meet them for drinks, don’t be that guy that’s taken and acts single. Be a good man. You fight with your girl, don’t vent on FB, get a bottle and go outside and drink until you’re ready to apologize. The American way. Women adore good men and if the day comes when you’re single. They’ll remember the man that loved his woman and did right by her. Not the cheating asshole. 

Four- Have you ever seen someone smile because you’re smiling? Have you ever did something really small and it made her day? Have you ever had a toothache or been constipated and she made it better? You don’t get that comfort level, that feeling of “I’m hurting so she’s hurting” bouncing from woman to woman. When I was younger I was a horrible boyfriend. When we broke up and I was single I was a horrible guy to date. I lied a lot, drank too much, was selfish and more importantly messed over too many good girls. I can’t change who I was but what I can do is tell other men it’s never too late. It won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it. 

Nights Like This I Wish

20140803-095704.jpgNights like tonight I cut off my porch light and open my blinds and just watch the rain fall. The candle light illuminating the background, the sounds of mother nature brining me comfort in a way that even this writer can’t explain. On nights like tonight I wish…

Nights like this I wish that my mind wasn’t always so cluttered, I wish that I was a simpler man. That I didn’t think so much and overanalyze everything and every situation.

Nights like this I wish a warm body was enough, I wish that the feel and warmth of a thigh or the warm smell of a freshly bathed woman was enough. Nights like this I wish I could tune everything out and just lose myself in pleasure, lose myself in that violent yet sensual touch.

Nights like this I wish I was a better writer, I wish that my words touched more people than they do. Nights like this the doubt consumes me, consumes me in a way that creates a storm in my heart and soul that I can’t control.

Nights like this I just want to stand in the rain and scream that I’m good enough as a writer, as a man, as a lover, as a friend. I want to scream me to the world but who am I trying to convince? The world or myself…

~ Demez

Seeing Tomorrow Today

My peace

My peace

I was working in Crosby today and right as the rain started to fall I had to take a phone call so I pull over on his old Fm road called 1942 and as I’m taking the call I look up and see this beautiful home being built in the distance. Now because it’s raining and I have no crews working I cut off my truck, put on my rain coat and start to walk towards the property. Close enough to get a look but not close enough to walk onto the property. The first thing that crossed my mind (and this is probably the construction guy in me) is that they had to build the entire home from scratch.

Not plug into the existing plumbing or water or gas or lights but literally build everything from scratch. That’s how it is in places that aren’t annexed. The more I’m looking at the detail of this house the more I’m impressed. Three stories, a beautiful golden color, lots of land around the house, at least two acres. I thought to myself, “What do these people do for a living that they can build such a beautiful home in the middle of the country but just twenty minutes away from the third largest city in the country?

Standing there, soaking wet, day dreaming but completely aware I just watched the guys rush to put up equipment and find cover and I wondered what it would be like to come home from work and stand where I’m standing watching them build my home, my family’s home?

One of my favorite movies is the Notebook, mainly because I’m a romantic and I won’t try and take up for the overly dramatic acting but I love the story it told. The story that true love isn’t about romance or desire but it’s about building something and sacrifice. Are you willing to build that dream home in hopes that your love is strong enough to withstand any storm that comes forth?

As I stood there realizing my phone was about 43 rain drops from being destroyed and my truck was about to get stuck in the mud I thought all this beautiful home is missing is one of those decks that wraps all the way around. I want one of those decks and I want to build one of these homes from scratch.

I love writing because it gives me the ability to go anywhere in the world at any given time with anyone I choose. But I also love writing because it will give me the ability to go anywhere in the world, at any given time with anyone I choose…. And I’ll have my perfect home in the country to come back to.

Be careful in this rain.

~ Demez

How to Discredit A Black Man? Just Call Him Angry

Kanye West and Eddie Murphy

Kanye West and Eddie Murphy

This morning Kanye West gave an interview on the popular morning radio show the Breakfast Club and almost immediately the reactions started to pour in. Everything from he supports child molesters and slut shaming to he’s crazy for loving his wife. Now to be fair you also had the “he’s a genius crowd,” which is also understandable.

Let’s talk for a minute about what Kanye is. He’s a man that’s pretty open about his faith, one of his biggest hits was “Jesus Walks.” He’s a man that dropped out of college to literally become one of the biggest musical stars in the world. Something we praise Mark Zuckerburg and Steve Jobs for. He’s never been in prison or fathered a bunch of children. He’s never glorified the selling of drugs of pimping and killing of women or children. Everyone that works with him talks about his work ethic and passion.

Let’s talk about who Eddie Murphy is. This is a man that at 19 saved Saturday Night Live. A writer, actor and director that has always hired black people not just in front of the camera but behind the camera. Everyone he’s worked with raves about his loyalty and comedic timing.

Both are proud and talented men who’ve recently been given the “angry” label. Eddie Murphy chose not to make fun and mock a man he’s looked up to for all his life so he’s “angry.” Kanye talks about his love for his wife, defends his best friends wife, makes a song dedicated to his daughter and late mom. He isn’t passionate or a standup guy he’s angry and emotional.

We diminish black men’s thoughts and concerns by reducing them to temper tantrums. We allow the media and trolls to highlight a sentence here or quote there and turn a valid point into a catchy punch line.

I’ve often been accused of being too serious but the world lacks serious men. Everything can’t be about getting a laugh or fitting in. You have to stand for something. And if you decide to stand for something and have a voice people will try and silence that voice.

I Want to Catch You Everytime You Fall- Love Letter #14

2015/01/img_0629.jpgDear Future Wife,

On this Valentine’s eve I just want to say good morning, I know it’s early but I couldn’t really sleep last night. I’ve read so much about Valentine’s Day this week and about whether or not it’s relevant to a relationships interest. I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I love the idea of celebrating love. I love the idea of celebrating anything.

This is the thing, I’m the sort of man that takes pride in making my woman fall every chance I get. You get a two dollar raise at work and call me at lunch, we’re going to dinner that night. You get an A on a test I know you’ve been studying hard for, I’m buying you a cupcake with a candle just so you can make a wish that you make an A on the next test. Love isn’t perfect and it’s unique to every situation but one thing that love is; love cares more about us than it does them. Maybe Valentine’s Day is commercial and exploits the loneliest of us. I can see that but maybe it also brings out the lover in the best of us.

I will stumble and fall, I’m still learning to love, still learning to be the man I know I can be. The same way I’m willing to catch you when you fall and give you the world is the same way I’d hope you never give up on me. I have no desire to say goodbye. No desire to pretend that I’m this cool guy that doesn’t care or is excited at the thought of not spending any money on February 14, 2015. I’d rather be spending tonight watching scary movies, grocery shopping so we can eat a dinner we prepared together and wake up seeing your face. A day to celebrate love, I’m here for that.

There’s no desire in me to try and convince anyone that they should buy flowers and candles and cuddle naked eating candy. No, that’s on each individual relationship. All I’d like for you to know is that when our day comes, when you and I are best friends and nothing or no one else matters in those moments we’re laughing and looking into each other’s eyes just know days like today and tomorrow when you’re not here are going to make me appreciate you that much more.

Love Always and Forever,

Demez

As Long As We’re Still In Love When We Fall Asleep

2015/01/img_0486.png As Long As We’re Still In Love When We Fall Asleep

No matter what happens just know when we close our eyes to go to sleep I won’t let you not fall asleep in my arms.

No matter how angry we are there’s no guarantee we’ll both wake up in the morning. For that reason alone we will talk about whatever is bothering us, hurting us, driving us apart and fix it before your head lies on my chest.

No matter how late I come home or what you don’t cook. No matter how many tears you cry or what words I say I won’t let you give up on our love because I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on our love.

Life is too short to let pettiness come between us. Life is too short to hold a grudge with a woman whose skin I adore, whose taste I’ve become addicted to. Whose essence and scent have become as much a part of me as the blood that flows threw my veins.

We will not go to sleep mad at each other. On my life and everything I am as a man I swear this.

She Don’t Love You; She’s Just Lonely

She Don’t Love You She Just Lonely
Days like today when she calls you and says she just wants to hear your voice, days like today when she sends you a text smiling and asking you what you’re doing. Days like today is her being lonely, it’s not you or what you’re doing; it’s what I’m not doing.

I don’t doubt you’re a good man, I don’t doubt you care about her and love her and treat her better then myself or any man ever has. I don’t even doubt that a part of her cares for you but she’ll never love you because you aren’t me. She’ll never love you because no matter how good of a man you are you’ll never touch her soul like I touched her soul. You’ll never feel the pain, the warmth, the passion that we felt all those nights, all those mornings, all those rainy days. Her infatuation with you is because she’s lonely, it’s because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and her pride won’t let her forgive me.

At night when you go to hold her and she pulls away it’s not because she’s too warm, it’s because at night is when it’s hardest for her to lie to herself. In the morning when she closes the bathroom door while she’s brushing her teeth or taking a shower it’s because she isn’t as comfortable with you as she is with me. Those doubts you have in your head, those moments when you’re driving and you cut off the radio trying to shake that feeling, you can’t shake it can you? You can’t shake it because you know she doesn’t love you, she’s just lonely. Having you there is better than being alone. She doesn’t know any other way because all she knows how to do is love, all she wants to do is love.

Her guilt gets the best of her sometimes, she feels bad for allowing you to love her like you do. She watches you sleep or cook or talk about something that happened at work and she wants to scream, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” But then she’d have to be alone again and that scares her more then anything. Not because she can’t do it but because being alone means that she may call me, it means that the love she can’t control, the love that makes her crazy, the love that sucks her in and swallows her whole may take over her life again. She doesn’t know if she’s ready for that so she settles with you.

Regardless of my faults I’m a good man and because I’m a good man I would never try and ruin what you have regardless of the quicksand it’s built on. I won’t be her excuse for breaking your heart, I’ve already put more pain in her life then I can ever atone for and I won’t add to that by making her live with the regret of leaving you for me. So instead I’ll just wish you good luck in loving a woman that doesn’t love you but is simply lonely.

Don’t Let Insecurities Define You

One of the hardest things in the world is seeing ourselves the way others see us, especially if you’ve battled depression or anxiety. It’s no easy thing to find yourself after you’ve been in a place so dark you didn’t even know you could get out of. So don’t feel bad for moments of sadness or despair, they won’t last, not if you believe in yourself.

I’ve talked about this before but when I was child I had a misshaped head, it wasn’t horrible but it was noticeable. Though I’ve talked about that what I’ve never talked about is how it’s affected me as an adult. It’s an ongoing battle not to feel like that kid that was unattractive. There are days now where I don’t feel attractive and as a man that’s not something we’re supposed to talk about. It’s not something that men are supposed to think about but I do. I don’t feel bad or ashamed for facing those demons and getting better and more confident day after day. No one should. When you ignore your insecurities you give them an opportunity to grow under the surface.

I’ve often been an asshole or jerk or placed myself in seclusion because of my insecurities. Let me push others away before I let them tell me I’m not good enough. Let me shut people out because that’s better than not being loved. Being that man made me a better writer because I was spending so much time alone but being that man wasn’t making me a better man. Insecurities tell you that you don’t need friends but who do call at 3am when you just need to talk? Insecurities tell you that being an asshole is okay but being an asshole doesn’t compensate for the holes you have inside.

I’m not sure I’ll ever see myself as handsome and I’m finally starting to accept that that’s my insecurities talking. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have a big heart. It’s not always the easiest place to get to but with hard work, prayer, production and just living can help you grow each and every day.

~ Demez F. White

2015/01/img_0635.jpg

Do You Realize What You Have In Her?

IMG_0172.JPG Do You Realize What You Have In Her?

It’s a simple question really. Do you realize the way other men look at her? Do you still notice her smile, her laugh. Can you tell the difference between a sad smile and a freaky smile?

I cook myself dinner every night. I sit at this desk and write fairy tales and fables. I write pretty words that make others smile. She cooks for you, she does whatever it takes to make you happy. You know what I would give for that? For just one night of seeing her look at me like that?

The bible says though shalt not covet another mans wife. I live by that code because I believe in karma. I don’t covet her but I very much see her.

When you’re lying in bed with her, just watch her and appreciate that.

Demez F. White